last name update

[Portia]

"Dark Chocolate" here (I don't feel like my secondary pseudonym from 2007 is some kind of state secret).

I'm the closest I've been to getting married since the (now ex) boyfriend mentioned in that question.

My flavor of the past three years has a great name. And I was surprised by my own vehemence with which I want to keep my surname, mouthful and all. Having in the meantime found my long-lost father, graduated, gotten a career, lost my mother, I think I've done plenty to keep me attached to it, even though it's not aesthetically pleasing.

There are always alternate plans, like changing to my mother's name that I was born with anyway (if I start a business, I think Her Surname & His sounds great), keep my legal name and write under hers or his, go with a moniker, like Obama, or Cher. I don't love having no middle name (I hate it), but I just have very different views than I used to on personal autonomy in marriage and what actually makes a "team," and honestly, if how I sign my checks is the only way he knows I'm in it for the long haul, we'd have larger trust issues.

But it was pretty weird getting bingoed about this by my teen sister.

The only people I'll even put up with asking is HR, and I hope I can say I'm a Lucy Stoner and that will be that.

(And the potential husband seems to think it's my decision, although he quite sensibly prefers his own name on aesthetic grounds. He goes by his middle name, and no one is like THAT'S NOT YOUR REAL NAME, CHANGE YOUR IDENTITY, IT'S TRADITIONAL.)

[NovemberEast]

i'm confused. If you don't like missing a middle name are you opposed to going by: first name - maiden last name - husbands last name? Not sure I read that correctly. Just wondering.

That's what I did because I'm quite attached to my family name. My MIL found this odd (even though it's EXTREMELY common and really none of her business) and wasn't sure what to do when she was monogramming something for me. I think she thought it was the same as hyphenation. But then, she came from a family she didn't like and was happy to ditch the maiden name as did the rest of her daughters. I found that kind of sad. Family name identity is kind of a big deal to me.

You could do some kind of combination of your names. I hear that's all the rage now...and has lead to some weird names that sound fake.

Sidenote on check signing:
Even after I changed my name, I never changed my signature card at the bank so my checks are still signed with my maiden name. It just feels more natural and who cares.

[Portia]

Thanks for asking!

Yes, I am opposed to it. This is the way I see it: my brother shares my surname (and unlike me, the genes that go with it). It's likely no one will ever expect him to shed his name (and by extension, his identity) regardless of his relationship status. I don't view it as our father's name. It's my name. It's his name. Not changing our names is the null hypothesis.

I'm not attached to my family identity whatsoever. I don't think I've chatted with my father for a month.

Not much a fan of invented surnames, except as noms de plume.

As to non-existent children, I refer you to this. I think it's basically a reflection of outdated proprietary "head of household" notions that a kid "must" have their father's name. You can keep your name as a woman and give it to your children, at least in the United States.

"It just feels more natural and who cares" sums up my feelings about staying with the null hypothesis. I think every couple who gets married, regardless of orientation or creed or whatever, should assume their fiancé is keeping their name and, if they opt for something else, discuss it, without whining.

[NovemberEast]

So since you don't share the genes associated with your surname, you'd like to change it to your moms? That makes sense. But doesn't that take more than just a trip to the Social Security Office and DMV? I remember when I changed my name there was something about needing to see a judge if I wanted to change it to something other than a combination of my legal name and his name. It seems ridiculous for it to take more than that since it was your MOTHER's name. I guess we must keep people employed no?

[Portia]

So since you don't share the genes associated with your surname, you'd like to change it to your moms? That makes sense. But doesn't that take more than just a trip to the Social Security Office and DMV? I remember when I changed my name there was something about needing to see a judge if I wanted to change it to something other than a combination of my legal name and his name. It seems ridiculous for it to take more than that since it was your MOTHER's name. I guess we must keep people employed no?

Yes, I agree that it is ridiculous that if I marry a guy, I can take his name no problem, but he can't take mine in many states without a brouhaha, but I can't simply revert to the name that was on my original birth certificate. (When I was adopted, I got a retconned one.)

I will be interested to see how legal gay marriage affects forms and bureaucracy in this way. I think one thing hyperconservatives got right is that marriage equality DID change straight people's conception of marriage. I know my view more closely matches Justice Kennedy's view than, say, the Mormon Church's.

[Portia]

From a Jezebel article (I won't link to it, as the language is probably more R-rated than most participants here care for, but you can Google:

Your name, by definition, is yours. It is your most YOUR thing. It's as much yours as your body. More, even, because you can change it at will. A lot of people are born with bodies that aren't right for them, and might never be right for them. But if you're born with the "wrong" name, you can make it right, and yours, in an instant. To take that away from someone—using a power as emotional and overwhelming as "tradition"— and to do it systematically to only one gender is sexist. You showed your hand, bros.

If you think I'm overreacting and exaggerating about the symbolic power of naming, then perhaps you'll listen to a more trustworthy source: the men of Men's Health. They're quite candidly fixated on it. Their clarity is indisputable.

“My name is part of who I am.” —Anonymous respondent, via a SurveyMonkey poll

“Call it pride or ego, whatever. It’s not happening.” —Anonymous respondent, via a SurveyMonkey poll

“It sounds like she’s trying to hang onto her “single person” identity and not identify with the fact that she’s married now.” —Anonymous respondent, via a SurveyMonkey poll

Translation: My name is part of who I am. To change it would be unthinkable. It would be like giving up my identity. My identity is too important to give up. It would be a sort of death. So here, women, YOU DO IT. His identity supersedes yours. And any desire to maintain your "'single person' identity"—your you-ness—is an insulting affront to the institution of marriage itself.

[Portia]

Oh, and this name I love so much I want to be published under? My mom got it from HER (mentally ill, completely messed up, never even met the guy) father. To say it's any less hers than his is just, I can't.

[Portia]

This made me happy:

The custom in Québec was similar to the one in France until 1981. Women would traditionally go by their husbands' surname in daily life, but their maiden name remained their legal name.[8] Since the passage of a 1981 provincial law intended to promote gender equality as outlined in the Québec Charter of Rights, no change may be made to a person's name without the authorization of the registrar of civil status or the authorization of the court. Newlyweds who wish to change their names upon marriage must therefore go through the same procedure as those changing their names for other reasons. The registrar of civil status may authorize a name change if: 1) the name the person generally uses does not correspond to the name on their birth certificate, 2) the name is of foreign origin or too difficult to pronounce or write in its original form, or 3) the name invites ridicule or has become infamous.[9] This law does not make it legal for a woman to immediately change her name upon marriage, as marriage is not listed among the reasons for a name change.[10]

[Shrinky Dink]

This Buzzfeed article had some good reasons why this woman regretted changing her name after getting married.

Personally, I changed my name because I was never given a middle name (so now it's First Maiden Last), and I've never been particularly attached to my last name. Funnily enough, both my husband and I have relatively common/easy last names so my switch was like switching from Smith to Johnson. One thing I do like about my husband's name is that it is higher up in the alphabet than mine was and I hated being at the end of the line for everything in elementary school. Also, my husband's immediate family all have alliteration with their first and last name and I think it would be fun to continue that with our own kids.

Overall, I think it's really a personal thing about whether or not a spouse will change their name. If you want to change for sentimental reasons like tradition or really liking his name better, or silly reasons like moving up in the alphabet, that is your business. If you don't want to change your name for sentimental reasons, or you just don't feel like it, that is your business.

[mic0]

I didn't know NY law was like that. In Utah, you can change your name after getting married, you don't have to do it when getting your marriage license. That said, I too regret changing my name. I changed my name from First Middle Maiden-Last to First Maiden-Last New-Last. I don't care about my original middle name, though apparently my mom was a little hurt I changed it, but I do miss my old last name and realize that I connect way more to it than to my new last name. I also 500% agree with these paragraphs:

"Every decision was made under pressure, against a deadline. I didn’t understand how much any of this stuff actually meant. A veil is something to wear for a few hours; did I need to feel like it accurately represented me? People like to tell you that it’s just a day. It’s just a few hours, it’s just a party, it’s just a dress. The dress is a metaphor; I did not need to feel crushed beneath the weight of every decision I made.

They’re right. I got over it. Of course I did. And I feel the same as I ever did. I feel like myself, obviously. I’m whoever I want to be, and it doesn’t matter what my name is. And while I know this, and I really do know it, or at least I know it on an intellectual level, I also know that if had another chance, I wouldn’t change my name."

EVERY DECISION WAS MADE UNDER PRESSURE. My wedding would be super different if I did it again and I wouldn't change my name and go through all that dumb hassle. It doesn't *matter*, it's not a huge life thing *really*, but still. I've considered legally changing it back, especially now that Mr. Mico is a citizen so we don't even have that reason anymore (it is slightly easier to "prove" your marriage if you have the same name, dumb as that is). But I just paid 100$ to get a new passport last year, and I don't want to apply for a name change (Texas makes it hard).

Thanks for letting me rant, guys. I think about this now and again.

[Portia]

No problem Mico! I still think of him as Mr. Mico! And yes I remember that buzzfeed article

[mic0]

Thanks

[Portia]

More good stuff.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/politics/ne ... 7220170779#_=_

[Portia]

If it's not a "huge life thing," men would do it 50% if the time.

Oh right, they were never subject to coverture laws.

[Emiliana]

The only place I go by my married name is on Facebook. Here's how that came about:

Marx and I talked about various options before we got married. I didn't want to default to taking his last name just because that's the (patriarchal) thing to do. But I did kind of like the idea of us having the same name to emphasize that we're family now. We discussed hyphenation, but our names didn't sound that great together. The name combination we actually liked the best was his mother's maiden name with my mother's maiden name, both of which are very lovely but not super common English names. But that was a bit too weird even for us. So eventually I decided to take his name.

In Texas you don't legally change your name until after the marriage. But just after the wedding, in the airport waiting for our flight for our honeymoon, I excitedly changed my name on Facebook! Because I was married now! And that was exciting!

But after the honeymoon, I was frantically applying for jobs and didn't want to go through the ordeal of changing my name at the same time. I also didn't want to cause potential employers any confusion that would make them think I didn't have a valid teaching license, either! So I figured I'd go through the hulabaloo of changing my name once that was settled.

I never got around to it.

It's now been more than two years and I've kind of decided that I don't intend to change my name. *shrug*

[NovemberEast]

More good stuff.

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/politics/ne ... 7220170779#_=_

The article has an excellent point. I HATE it when girls change their name on facebook and completely erase their old last name. It usually leads to me forgetting who they even were. So I probably shouldn't have been friends on fb with them...

I know the article seems to encourage the keeping of the full name but I think the way I did things serves a similar purpose. It's actually because of this that I include my full name (first maidenlast marriedlast) on linkedin (or any social media), business cards, email signatures, stationary, address labels, etc. That way, it's easier to link my maiden to married names. My mother did the exact same thing because of name recognition in her business. She ran her fathers business after leaving her lame corporate job and having me and the last name was just THAT important. While doing some family history, I noticed I have a long history of the women in my family doing the same thing. It made things WAY easier to figure out when doing fam-hist. And for that, I thank them.

BUT I also like the idea of keeping your maiden name legally and just socially going by your married name. But then what happens when you have kids? What name do you give them? Do you hyphenate it? Ok, but then what about when they get married....and have kids? I guess I'm getting ahead of myself. But really...what if they have your husbands name and not yours and you go to a parent teacher conference and the teacher thinks you're divorced and that your kid is acting out or whatever because of it. I know...I know....but that is where my mind goes.

IT ALL SUCKS.

[Portia]

I think policing your unborn children's name choices is a poor reason to make your own. If you hyphenate, they'll figure it out.

That shows some pretty low opinions of both the parenting skills of divorcés, and the perceived need for mothers to share their kids' last names on the part of the hypothetical schoolteacher. When I was a tutor, I never assumed on the parents' names. I feel like that should just be basic pedagogy.

[NovemberEast]

You misunderstood. It's not my opinion of any of these hypothetical people, or that any of those things will always necessarily happen.

Some people (me) (over)analyze how their (not even that important) choices *might* impact people later on down the road. Some people don't think it's a big deal. Either is fine, but I'm just pointing out that all the situations have pros and cons. And I was talking about how my mind works and how I make decisions not necessarily how anyone else does or should think.

I was trying to show this by throwing in things like "getting ahead of myself" and "how my mind works."

I guess that did not convey.