when someone asks if you're Mormon

[Portia]

This question reminded me of my office mate who was like, "are you sure you can drink that Coke?" (I should have told him it was kosher as long as it had cocaine, like the original recipe. Haha)

The religion issue is difficult to avoid even now, but I think by being evasive I just make it into a weirder, bigger deal than it is to anyone else. "Well I went to college in ... Provo." [Meaningful cough. Looks in the middle distance. Tries to change topic.]

As to people pestering you why you drink or don't, I think people should mind their own business. You could always say you're a designated driver if you don't feel comfortable defending yourself to random people. Or say you're pregnant. With their baby. Haha.

Sometimes I like hanging out with Mormons because then they have the category of "Ex-Mormon" in their brain and feel that it's too testy a topic to bring up, unlike people who have no exposure to it and want to ask me all about my "history" there. A woman I like, the wife of a coworker, was telling me I should go to an LDS writing conference. Haha, I just told her I enjoy WIFYR and left it at that. Mormon writers are pretty chill usually but I think all my coworkers are unclear on what is up, and it's Lehi, so.

[Shrinky Dink]

When it comes to not doing certain things, I sometimes just say that I don't see a good reason to do that thing if I don't want to talk about the religious aspect of it. I'd rather wear more clothes and worry less about sunscreen and skin cancer. I don't like the taste of coffee flavored things, even though I think coffee actually smells good, I see no reason to drink it. I've spent enough time working in a restaurant to determine that alcohol generally smells bad and I don't care to know what type of drunk I am. I don't have the desire to worry about getting tested for STDs or worry about the condom coming off or something else bad happening from having sex outside of marriage. I think smoking is just plain stupid (if you're under 30, you knew smoking was bad before you started.) Etc

The list just goes on and on, and I usually do the same when it comes down to non-religious things. I don't drink energy drinks because I've seen how addicted a friend got and I don't want to have that happen to me. I think Mountain Dew tastes weird. I think that sex and nudity scenes in movies are unnecessary 99% of the time and actually take away from the story/character development (seriously, movie makers need to remember that it is possible to convey the message that someone had sex or was naked without showing the actual act). I'm more lenient with swearing and violence since there are many more situations that they can be used to help convey the emotions and drama of the story.

[Portia]

When it comes to not doing certain things, I sometimes just say that I don't see a good reason to do that thing if I don't want to talk about the religious aspect of it. I'd rather wear more clothes and worry less about sunscreen and skin cancer. I don't like the taste of coffee flavored things, even though I think coffee actually smells good, I see no reason to drink it. I've spent enough time working in a restaurant to determine that alcohol generally smells bad and I don't care to know what type of drunk I am. I don't have the desire to worry about getting tested for STDs or worry about the condom coming off or something else bad happening from having sex outside of marriage. I think smoking is just plain stupid (if you're under 30, you knew smoking was bad before you started.) Etc

The list just goes on and on, and I usually do the same when it comes down to non-religious things. I don't drink energy drinks because I've seen how addicted a friend got and I don't want to have that happen to me. I think Mountain Dew tastes weird. I think that sex and nudity scenes in movies are unnecessary 99% of the time and actually take away from the story/character development (seriously, movie makers need to remember that it is possible to convey the message that someone had sex or was naked without showing the actual act). I'm more lenient with swearing and violence since there are many more situations that they can be used to help convey the emotions and drama of the story.

Interesting. Do you think that these viewpoints are completely independent of your background, though? From my perspective, all of these are just experiences -- some have more fraught moral issues surrounding them than others, but still they're just choices.

Mountain Dewshine is great. I can use SPF to protect myself from UV damage and wear shorts that wouldn't cut it in the Testing Center. The most powerful films I've seen are probably either R- or G-rated (yay Pixar and Sundance). I see no point being paralyzed by fear when it comes to pre-marital sex, since the benefits outweigh the costs for me personally.

But these aren't choices I make because of a religious dictum, they're just choices I'm lucky to be able to make because I live in relative freedom and comfort and prosperity and autonomy in a way most women in most places of the world very much can't without negative consequences, up to and including death when it comes to sex. (Or gross regular Mountain Dew. No judge would challenge that. /s)

So if I have a religion I guess it's post-Enlightenment humanist morality. But I don't feel the need to, like, explain that to other people IRL, because why is it their business what clothes I wear or what films I watch?

I've always thought that it's interesting to see how people's lifestyles change when they either join or leave a religion. My father joined the LDS Church in his twenties, my fiancé left it, but in terms of their values, I think that my fiancé has a much more conformist, risk-averse personality in many ways. I just think that my father is a LOT more prone to ex post facto justifications of weird life choices he makes, and then does a 180 and does something else with a new relationship/religion/friend group.

[bobtheenchantedone]

I get asked all the time now why I don't drink, by people who are ex-Mormon themselves. I usually say that my body is messed up enough as it is; I don't need to make it worse with a recreational drug that is expensive to boot. This also usually happens at large-ish parties where one or more people are drinking for the first time, so sometimes I point out that it's a good idea for at least one person in the room to be completely sober at all times (I have had to help take care of a girl who did too much too fast before).

I do wonder how much the asker's fear is merely from her own perception, however. I've gotten along just fine with lots of no-Mos even when discussing religious dos and don'ts, and I think a lot of that comes from it happening casually and lightly as a point of general conversation rather than something to be feared, avoided, plotted for, and regretted. Most people, I think, don't actually care as much as we worry they do.

[Portia]

Most people, I think, don't actually care as much as we worry they do.

+1

[Zedability]

I've always found giving some sort of reason just invites argument. "Well, did you read THIS study that said that this was GOOD for your health..." etc. Whereas yeah, in my opinion, it's not really anyone's problem whether or not I do these things, so it's easier to just be like, oh, religion. "But this study - " "Religion." "What about - " "Religion." "Don't you want to - " "Religion."

Like, if people are genuinely curious I'm always happy to talk to them about it, but if people are giving me a hard time, I've found that the religion thing is the quickest way to move on in the conversation.

Of course, this is largely colored by the fact that most of my interactions with non-Mormons have been in a professional work environment

[Rainbow_connection]

That's a good point. I've been pressured to drink, including when I was heavily pregnant. "Oh, research shows one glass of wine a day during pregnancy is fine!" I don't think religion means that we close ourselves off to research or making rational decisions, but sometimes it is just easier to skip the debate, especially when there's no real reason that I should have to discuss what I'm not drinking.

[Zedability]

That's a good point. I've been pressured to drink, including when I was heavily pregnant. "Oh, research shows one glass of wine a day during pregnancy is fine!" I don't think religion means that we close ourselves off to research or making rational decisions, but sometimes it is just easier to skip the debate, especially when there's no real reason that I should have to discuss what I'm not drinking.

Basically. I worked with a bunch of scientists so if I tried to provide a "rational" argument they wanted me to send them the studies I'd read and then they'd read the studies over lunch break and then send me back studies that said the opposite and I was like...kay this is interesting but I'm still not drinking coffee.

[Portia]

That's a good point. I've been pressured to drink, including when I was heavily pregnant. "Oh, research shows one glass of wine a day during pregnancy is fine!" I don't think religion means that we close ourselves off to research or making rational decisions, but sometimes it is just easier to skip the debate, especially when there's no real reason that I should have to discuss what I'm not drinking.

Yeah, I somewhat recently read a Liane Moriarty novel, and the SAHM crowd in the book -- set in Australia -- have that attitude. I have never heard it in the U.S., though. I don't want to be pregnant but if I were I think I'd err on the side of caution, but in general, why are people so nosey??

[Shrinky Dink]

Interesting. Do you think that these viewpoints are completely independent of your background, though? From my perspective, all of these are just experiences -- some have more fraught moral issues surrounding them than others, but still they're just choices.

Honestly, I think absolutely none of them are completely independent of my background. Some are definitely more independent of religion, if I suddenly wasn't Mormon, I still wouldn't smoke, drink energy drinks, or mountain dew and I'd probably still wear clothes that cover my shoulders and knees. I could see myself having a drink on a rare occasion, probably something really fruity and sweet with very little alcohol. Same with coffee, I'd just get a ton of sugar and cream, it would probably still be only occasionally, and I would probably still prefer a hot cocoa or a hot apple cider.

I've already gotten more lenient on the movies as I've gotten older, but if I'm going to watch something that's rated R, I want it to have a good reason. American Sniper was good and well done, and honestly, it was rated R because that was the only way to tell the story adequately. The same goes for The King's Speech. I just feel that a lot of movies are getting worse and worse just because they can, and not because it helps tell the story.

Mostly, I've just found when someone asks, "Why don't you drink coffee?" an answer like, "I just don't feel like it." or "I don't like the taste." is usually a sufficient reason.