http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/87398/
I've never had to consider what living in a mixed family would be like, so I really appreciated the honest and open answers from all the writers. It sounds like it could be really hard, but also could turn out to be very pleasant.
Is there anybody here who would feel comfortable sharing their experiences?
Mixed Families
Moderator: Marduk
Re: Mixed Families
I don't have half-siblings, but I do have step-siblings. It basically sucked growing up for various reasons I won't get into right now. But now that we're adults we've more or less made peace. My stepbrother and I don't have much of a relationship; we don't see each other much and don't go out of our way to see each other. When we do it's mildly awkward, like when you run into a friend of a friend that you've never been super close to even though you were invited to all the same parties growing up.
My stepsister and I are a bit closer because she lives near my dad and stepmom, so we often see each other when I visit them. I've also made a point of getting to know her kids, because it's not the kids' fault that our lives were weird before they were even born. I'm not as close with them as I expect I would be if my real sister ever has kids, though.
My stepsister and I are a bit closer because she lives near my dad and stepmom, so we often see each other when I visit them. I've also made a point of getting to know her kids, because it's not the kids' fault that our lives were weird before they were even born. I'm not as close with them as I expect I would be if my real sister ever has kids, though.
Re: Mixed Families
First off, I'd call them "blended families." "Mixed" usually means racially mixed, which I have no direct experience with.
I don't have step-siblings or step-parents, but I do have four half-siblings.
My late mom's husband adopted me and they had two kids together, raised in the same household as me. So they're just my siblings, and we're really close. I consider him my dad, but it's not rare for me to refer to both him and his parents by their first names.
My bio dad (who was an engineering student) has a wife and two children. I've totally Facebook stalked them and it's been weird and disappointing every time. I consider them my relatives for genetic purposes (the good news is that their genes are probably lower risk than my adoptive father's when it comes to physical diseases, although I wonder on the mental health side, ha) but not my "family," because that is the choice he went with, so whatever. I don't think I'd have much in common with them anyway because they come from such a different geographic background.
My dad didn't bother to tell his children he was seeing someone, and promptly remarried a woman with no kids but a giant obnoxious family I can't stand, at all. I don't consider her my step-mother, and although I now will spend holiday dinners with them cordially enough, it was a seismic, unpleasant event (again, he raised me from the age of 2). So we aren't so much a "blended family" as three kids who miss our mom, miss our dad spending time with us, and with the youngest biding her time until she can get out and go to college.
I tend to get all the masculine-engineering lack of warmth and clinical approach to communication from the men I date in my life rather than any father figures. Hahaha. :P
I'm close to my mother's mother's side of the family in the way you would think with family -- I enjoy hanging out with them, I keep up with them. They were the strongest influence on me as I was growing up, which makes a lot of sense, because they were the Mormon side, for one, and when we moved back to Utah, closer geographically.
My maternal grandma actually grew up in a blended family. Her father was killed in a mining accident when she was a baby, and her mother remarried after WWII and had two more children. The two men had quite different personalities and histories, but remarriage at that time wasn't particularly rare. From what I can tell, her birth father and his family was a lot like me -- outgoing, impulsive, not too traditional, life of the party types. They also weren't close (in the way Jack-Mormon families can be, which they were), and his grandmother, mother, and sister all had various sexual affairs/dramas.
My grandma's adoptive father was stern and reserved: he actually never said "I love you" and although she says it was generational, that is not the Callaway* personality at all. Her mom was big into piano playing and would tell me not to take it personally when my great-grandfather would yell at me to tone it down. It does seem fairly matriarchal, especially for a Mormon family, with all these dead, abandoning (my deadbeat grandfather, who offed himself, lovely), and absent male figures. Huh.
My grandma would consider all her siblings (her full brother and two younger half-siblings) her siblings. Her brother is athletic (like his birth dad) and probably one of the most successful, educationally and materially, of my extended family. Her younger sister went through a rebel phase and permanently left the Church but was the rock for their mother. The gay brother is estranged from the family and he's my favorite. :-(
Basically, I really do act more like/relate more to the people I'm related to by blood, which is fascinating to me, since some of them (my dead great-grandpa and the crazy Callaway women, my sperm donor father) aren't part of my life at all. I think that my leaving the Church, and my dad becoming more invested in it after his shotgun wedding, exacerbated the tensions. His parents and I get along swimmingly but I don't think I'm LIKE them I just think I can APPRECIATE them in their hippie nomadic atheism, which is different.
I know other people have a lot tougher experiences, and I don't feel guilty anymore about prioritizing my time with people I like! Also, I think my grandma's story is a success story overall, just make sure to tell your kids you love them!
*we're not Irish, as far as I know, her grandfather was an orphan who changed his name. There's a reason I'm writing this book! Haha.
**also bye anonymity oh well no one in my family reads the Board much less this Board.
I don't have step-siblings or step-parents, but I do have four half-siblings.
My late mom's husband adopted me and they had two kids together, raised in the same household as me. So they're just my siblings, and we're really close. I consider him my dad, but it's not rare for me to refer to both him and his parents by their first names.
My bio dad (who was an engineering student) has a wife and two children. I've totally Facebook stalked them and it's been weird and disappointing every time. I consider them my relatives for genetic purposes (the good news is that their genes are probably lower risk than my adoptive father's when it comes to physical diseases, although I wonder on the mental health side, ha) but not my "family," because that is the choice he went with, so whatever. I don't think I'd have much in common with them anyway because they come from such a different geographic background.
My dad didn't bother to tell his children he was seeing someone, and promptly remarried a woman with no kids but a giant obnoxious family I can't stand, at all. I don't consider her my step-mother, and although I now will spend holiday dinners with them cordially enough, it was a seismic, unpleasant event (again, he raised me from the age of 2). So we aren't so much a "blended family" as three kids who miss our mom, miss our dad spending time with us, and with the youngest biding her time until she can get out and go to college.
I tend to get all the masculine-engineering lack of warmth and clinical approach to communication from the men I date in my life rather than any father figures. Hahaha. :P
I'm close to my mother's mother's side of the family in the way you would think with family -- I enjoy hanging out with them, I keep up with them. They were the strongest influence on me as I was growing up, which makes a lot of sense, because they were the Mormon side, for one, and when we moved back to Utah, closer geographically.
My maternal grandma actually grew up in a blended family. Her father was killed in a mining accident when she was a baby, and her mother remarried after WWII and had two more children. The two men had quite different personalities and histories, but remarriage at that time wasn't particularly rare. From what I can tell, her birth father and his family was a lot like me -- outgoing, impulsive, not too traditional, life of the party types. They also weren't close (in the way Jack-Mormon families can be, which they were), and his grandmother, mother, and sister all had various sexual affairs/dramas.
My grandma's adoptive father was stern and reserved: he actually never said "I love you" and although she says it was generational, that is not the Callaway* personality at all. Her mom was big into piano playing and would tell me not to take it personally when my great-grandfather would yell at me to tone it down. It does seem fairly matriarchal, especially for a Mormon family, with all these dead, abandoning (my deadbeat grandfather, who offed himself, lovely), and absent male figures. Huh.
My grandma would consider all her siblings (her full brother and two younger half-siblings) her siblings. Her brother is athletic (like his birth dad) and probably one of the most successful, educationally and materially, of my extended family. Her younger sister went through a rebel phase and permanently left the Church but was the rock for their mother. The gay brother is estranged from the family and he's my favorite. :-(
Basically, I really do act more like/relate more to the people I'm related to by blood, which is fascinating to me, since some of them (my dead great-grandpa and the crazy Callaway women, my sperm donor father) aren't part of my life at all. I think that my leaving the Church, and my dad becoming more invested in it after his shotgun wedding, exacerbated the tensions. His parents and I get along swimmingly but I don't think I'm LIKE them I just think I can APPRECIATE them in their hippie nomadic atheism, which is different.
I know other people have a lot tougher experiences, and I don't feel guilty anymore about prioritizing my time with people I like! Also, I think my grandma's story is a success story overall, just make sure to tell your kids you love them!
*we're not Irish, as far as I know, her grandfather was an orphan who changed his name. There's a reason I'm writing this book! Haha.
**also bye anonymity oh well no one in my family reads the Board much less this Board.
Re: Mixed Families
I agree that getting a PhD is often overrated. But it also sounds like the question-asker wants to do it and have an adventure.