Transgender Sibling

[Integrating Editor]

Thank you for this, Zedability. I felt like you did a good job of balancing the reader's concerns with the reality of what the sibling needs.

Hormone therapy often make significant changes in appearance and vocal range in a matter of months, so the fact that the family didn't find out about hormone use for at least eighteen months suggests that they've been somewhat estranged from the transgender person for quite a while. But if the sibling is as financially dependent on family as the question suggests, it would seem like the family's in pretty regular contact with him/her. So I'm a bit confused, but I suspect that the reader doesn't really know all that much about the sibling's day-to-day life. I'd encourage them to not make a lot of worst-case-scenario assumptions about their sibling's reasons and future, especially without hearing them out first.

[larry_wayne]

I don't have much to say, but I wanted to point out the suggestion that was made here to "stage an intervention."

perhaps it sounds harsh, but if you really love your sibling, you will stop them from making such a rash decision in a compromised mental state

if you do love your sibling, you can't let them make a choice that you fear will lead them to suicide

The entire situation involved in this question is difficult, and I won't try to address a lot of the concerns that OP, sibling, and family have. However, there are quite a few interesting assumptions fueling the Comment Board post.
There's an urgent time constraint here, given that the surgery is scheduled in less than two weeks. So TJcools' suggestion that "I world [sic] STRONGLY URGE that long before transition surgery is considered, your brother/sister be brought to a counselor to deal with depression and anxiety" is problematic, in my opinion. It's as if TJcools is saying that the family members should already have so much influence over the transgender person's own choices that it's their choice as to when surgery "is considered," despite the fact that surgery has apparently already been scheduled without their knowledge. (Also, we really don't know the financial implications for the family as a whole.) Again, it's hard to know what I would say in this situation.
But I also wanted to thank you, Zedability, for an appropriately supportive and honest answer given the information available to you, and for your willingness to follow up on the Comment Board.

[Portia]

I don't know what the difference is between enabling and supporting when it comes to an adult child who's an alcoholic/addicted to drugs, but it sounds tough and I think they'd benefit from something more intensive than talk therapy alone. Not sure what resources are available.

[Whistler]

wow, yeah, that's a tough questions. The substance abuse makes the situation pretty disconcerting; I think trans people should be empowered to make decisions that help them feel like themselves in their bodies, and I also think that it's possible to make decisions one would regret while being under the influence of drugs. But trans people often struggle with severe depression, and understandably might use alcohol to cope with that. :-/ I wish this trans person's family could be more supportive of them emotionally, because it would help them. Personally I think it would be preferable to resolve alcohol abuse problems before making a decision like a sex change operation (but I've never been trans, so I don't know how this person feels). This trans person is an adult and they are allowed to make that decision when they want to!

[Shrinky Dink]

I feel the similar about having surgery to change your gender as I do about gastric bypass. In either case, I think the patient should be followed closely with a mental health professional before, during, and after the transition/surgery. Also, just like a family member can't force someone to eat healthier, they can't force someone to accept the physical gender they are now. You also can't force someone to see a mental health professional. Either way, the situation is out of the question asker's hands and the only thing they can do is be supportive and encourage their sibling to continue (or begin) talking with a professional about the emotional changes and the current substance abuse.

[yayfulness]

I thought about responding to the response but thought better of it. Nobody's mind was going to be changed by that discussion.

From the sound of the question, this person's sibling is a financially independent adult. I'm not sure what sort of "intervention" this reader had in mind, but I'm pretty sure that all possible interventions would fall into one of two categories: "interventions that do not work" and "interventions that are illegal."

This person's going to go through with their operation regardless of what their family says or does. The family has two choices. They can accept this person's decisions and open up channels of communication and love, or they can fight this person's decisions and ultimately cause estrangement if not something horrifically worse. Either way, the operation happens. But only one of the options leads to an increase in the amount of love and happiness in the world.

[Portia]

From the sound of the question, this person's sibling is a financially independent adult.

I took just the opposite conclusion, since the sibling is unable to reliably make rent or buy food, as far as we know.

[yayfulness]

Upon re-reading the question, I think you are right. This is what I get for going off of week-old memories.

That said, this just tells me that the only leverage anyone has is money: "cancel the operation or we'll quit helping you pay for food and housing." You can probably imagine all the warm fuzzy feelings an ultimatum like that would create.

[Portia]

Upon re-reading the question, I think you are right. This is what I get for going off of week-old memories.

That said, this just tells me that the only leverage anyone has is money: "cancel the operation or we'll quit helping you pay for food and housing." You can probably imagine all the warm fuzzy feelings an ultimatum like that would create.

That does seem like an ultimatum that could backfire, but I wonder what sort of leverage the parents might have when it comes to the ongoing employment/addiction problems. I don't think that their concerns about their child's ability to navigate through the world independently are unfounded or somehow only culturally conservative.

I don't think it's entirely fair to say that the only issue of friction here is their child's gender identity. It sounds like they have a large family and that this child is bringing more than their share of issues. I think a valid plan for self-support and ongoing treatment of some kind is important, and it's not even clear to me that the parents are in fact trying to hold the relationship hostage in the way the commenter described.

(I personally think that their plan sounds foolhardy, and that their parents have infinitely more patience than I, but I'm not privy to the details of their life.)

[yayfulness]

Also probably accurate. This was more a response to TJcools' "YOU MUST INTERVENE AND STOP EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW" attitude. There's really not enough in the original question to draw too many firm conclusions about the state of this person's relationship with their family.

[Portia]

Started wondering what such a surgery would entail. The joys of health insurance. Found this HRC article pretty comprehensive, on that side of the issue. Looks like the very definition of YMMV. I wonder if the sibling in question is on their parents' insurance or planning to pay (rent money?) out of pocket. Even the different terms used seem dizzyingly various and confusing.

I read the New York State coverage document since they mentioned the East Coast. I have to admit that the medical language wasn't familiar to me, but I feel like I learned a lot about what's required to be a candidate and (what the state of New York at least refers to as) gender dysphoria.

Hope the situation works out for the person, and for the family.

[Portia]

HRC being the Human Rights Campaign not our prez as of my birthday haha

[Arcaiden]

One thing that makes me a little nervous is I'm not sure we can trust the question asker to accurately diagnose their sibling as an "alcoholic and drug addict." In other words, there is a LOT of ground between not obeying the Word of Wisdom, and being an addict.

I have 2-3 drinks a week, usually on the weekend. Also, if I go out to a bar/club, I want to have a few drinks and enjoy myself. I can easily see some of my family classifying me as an alcoholic because of that behavior. Whereas by any other standards, that's just normal behavior. I don't do any other drugs, but it's not uncommon for people in my age group to be using pot, and experimenting with other drugs. Again, I think it is very likely that a church member would label anyone engaged in this kind of drug use as an addict, when that often isn't the case. Could there be legitimate addiction issues here, yes, but I'm not sold on that idea.

Also, I find it hard to understand why church members struggle so much with someone being transgender. Having an imperfect body is a pretty clear part of Mormon doctrine and yet when it comes to gender, there is this insistence that it's always perfect, even when we know that's not the case.

[Portia]

One thing that makes me a little nervous is I'm not sure we can trust the question asker to accurately diagnose their sibling as an "alcoholic and drug addict." In other words, there is a LOT of ground between not obeying the Word of Wisdom, and being an addict.

I have 2-3 drinks a week, usually on the weekend. Also, if I go out to a bar/club, I want to have a few drinks and enjoy myself. I can easily see some of my family classifying me as an alcoholic because of that behavior. Whereas by any other standards, that's just normal behavior. I don't do any other drugs, but it's not uncommon for people in my age group to be using pot, and experimenting with other drugs. Again, I think it is very likely that a church member would label anyone engaged in this kind of drug use as an addict, when that often isn't the case. Could there be legitimate addiction issues here, yes, but I'm not sold on that idea.

Also, I find it hard to understand why church members struggle so much with someone being transgender. Having an imperfect body is a pretty clear part of Mormon doctrine and yet when it comes to gender, there is this insistence that it's always perfect, even when we know that's not the case.

Those are great points!

[Amity]

I'm not sure what sort of "intervention" this reader had in mind, but I'm pretty sure that all possible interventions would fall into one of two categories: "interventions that do not work" and "interventions that are illegal."

This person's going to go through with their operation regardless of what their family says or does. The family has two choices. They can accept this person's decisions and open up channels of communication and love, or they can fight this person's decisions and ultimately cause estrangement if not something horrifically worse. Either way, the operation happens. But only one of the options leads to an increase in the amount of love and happiness in the world.

I had the same thought, too. If the sibling is a legal adult and has found a way to pay for the surgery, like, what can the family do to stop them? Physically restrain them from getting on the plane? Stand over the sibling's hospital bed and swat away any nurses who try to insert an IV?

Anyway, I'll add my kudos to Zed, who I think handled the initial question with sensitivity and handled the response on That Other Board with the firmness it required.

[bobtheenchantedone]

One thing that makes me a little nervous is I'm not sure we can trust the question asker to accurately diagnose their sibling as an "alcoholic and drug addict." In other words, there is a LOT of ground between not obeying the Word of Wisdom, and being an addict.

+1. My mother hasn't jumped to many conclusions because we live fairly close and see her regularly and she can see that my life is not falling apart, but if we lived far away and she got wind of my activities I'm sure "I've had a few sips of a few drinks" would in her mind become "I am developing a drinking problem."