How we view relationships #90953

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vorpal blade
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How we view relationships #90953

Post by vorpal blade » Wed Mar 21, 2018 5:19 pm

100hourboard.org/questions/90953

I think Luciana’s problem is that she is looking at other people in terms of what they can do for her, as if life owes her people who care as much about her as they do themselves That is why she feels surrounded by arrogant and selfish people. She would be much better off if she just forgot about herself. Think about other people and what you can do for them. Then, like a butterfly happiness would come and land on her shoulder, when she is not thinking about it and trying to make it happen and blaming others when it doesn’t happen.

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yayfulness
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Re: How we view relationships #90953

Post by yayfulness » Thu Mar 22, 2018 11:18 pm

I tried to live by that philosophy on my mission. By doing so, I enabled my abusive companion to manipulate and even physically injure me without ever facing any consequences, and I convinced myself that I was a horrible person and was probably going to go to hell because nothing I did was good enough to make him not be horrible to me. It was one of the most miserable periods of my entire life, and it only ended when my surroundings changed.

I'm not saying you're universally wrong, but the philosophy you suggest is extremely dangerous if taken too far. People DO owe you basic decency. People DO owe you enough respect to not treat you badly. If they can't meet those standards, you have every reason to expect better of them. Always assuming that the problem lies somewhere in yourself is a recipe for self-hatred and depression, and is a great way to enable abusers. I'm all for taking responsibility for your own life and focusing on the well-being of others, but it has its limits.

I know next to nothing about Luciana's life, and I can't make any prediction from her rather short question as to whether the core of the problem lies within her or within others. It's possible that you're right, and that her perspective on others is being skewed by her own attitudes. I posit that it is equally possible that you are wrong.

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vorpal blade
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Re: How we view relationships #90953

Post by vorpal blade » Sat Mar 24, 2018 7:07 pm

The “philosophy I suggest” is nothing more than the teachings of Jesus Christ. I found this General Conference talk given by the apostle Dallin H. Oaks to be pertinent to the subject. It’s entitled “Unselfish Service” and was given April, 2009. I’m selecting some quotes from it.
Our Savior gave Himself in unselfish service. He taught that each of us should follow Him by denying ourselves of selfish interests in order to serve others.
“If any man will come after me [He said], let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
“For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it”  Matthew 16:24–25 see also  Matthew 10:39
....

The values of the world wrongly teach that “it’s all about me.” That corrupting attitude produces no change and no growth. It is contrary to eternal progress toward the destiny God has identified in His great plan for His children. The plan of the gospel of Jesus Christ lifts us above our selfish desires and teaches us that this life is all about what we can become.

A great example of unselfish service is the late Mother Teresa of Calcutta, whose vow committed herself and her fellow workers to “wholehearted free service to the poorest of the poor.”9 [The Joy in Loving: A Guide to Daily Living with Mother Teresa, comp. Jaya Chaliha and Edward Le Joly (1996), 15.] She taught that “one thing will always secure heaven for us—the acts of charity and kindness with which we have filled our lives.”10 [Life in the Spirit, ed. Kathryn Spink (1983), 42.] “We can do no great things,” Mother Teresa maintained, “only small things with great love.”11 [Life in the Spirit, 45.] When this wonderful Catholic servant died, the First Presidency’s message of condolence declared, “Her life of unselfish service is an inspiration to all the world, and her acts of Christian goodness will stand as a memorial for generations to come.”12 [“News of the Church,” Ensign, Nov. 1997, 110.] That is what the Savior called losing our lives in service to others.

Each of us should apply that principle to our attitudes in attending church. Some say “I didn’t learn anything today” or “No one was friendly to me” or “I was offended” or “The Church is not filling my needs.” All those answers are self-centered, and all retard spiritual growth.

In contrast, a wise friend wrote:
“Years ago, I changed my attitude about going to church. No longer do I go to church for my sake, but to think of others. I make a point of saying hello to people who sit alone, to welcome visitors, … to volunteer for an assignment. …
“In short, I go to church each week with the intent of being active, not passive, and making a positive difference in people’s lives. Consequently, my attendance at Church meetings is so much more enjoyable and fulfilling.”13 [Mark Skousen to Dallin H. Oaks, Feb. 15, 2009.]

All of this illustrates the eternal principle that we are happier and more fulfilled when we act and serve for what we give, not for what we get.

Our Savior teaches us to follow Him by making the sacrifices necessary to lose ourselves in unselfish service to others. If we do, He promises us eternal life, “the greatest of all the gifts of God”  D&C 14:7 the glory and joy of living in the presence of God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. I testify of Them and of Their great plan for the salvation of Their children, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
I think it is important to realize that forgetting yourself and serving others does not mean letting those we serve dictate how we are to serve them. An example of losing ourselves in the service of others is the sacrifice parents make for their children. Yet a wise parent gives service only in ways that truly benefit the child, which are not always the ways the child wants to be served. To know how to best serve you must be guided by the Holy Spirit. If the practical, day-to-day “how” of your service comes from God then it will always ultimately turn out best for everyone.

Unselfish service, when done right, does NOT enable anyone to do that which is wrong, because it is directed by what is truly best for that person. In unselfish service you forget about yourself and your own problems. It is thinking about the problems and needs of others that you can help to alleviate. It makes no assumption that “the problem lies somewhere within yourself.”

When you forget yourself you aren’t even thinking about what people owe you, or what you are entitled to.