Dating an Ex? (Board question #35233)

[Moxie]

The posted answers to the question seemed pretty strongly negative. What does everyone think? I have next to no experience in this arena, so I'm really curious to hear.

[TheAnswerIs42]

I might have had negative feelings about dating an ex, except for the fact that I can't even count the number of times that I dumped my husband. He just kept coming back . . . which probably had a lot to do with why I married him. But yeah, it can work just fine. We kept breaking up and getting back together until we finally fixed the reason we were breaking up, and then we never broke up again. Happy end.

So I guess that kinda makes a vote for "the reason you broke up needs to change".

[Briar Rose]

I spent one year of my life trying to make something work that just wouldn't; breaking up and getting back together, and having a fire and ice relationship.

From experience, I have learned that you may try to convince yourself that he has changed and is different, but you're just choosing to over look the faults that are still there.

Unless you were only dating for a very shrt time and had one of those "I'm just not feelin' it" breakups, I strongly advise against ex-dating.

Don't be a realtionship repeater.

[Lexi Khan]

I have to say, I couldn't help but write in on this one. I told myself when I quit the Board that I wasn't going to pretend I was still a writer and comment on everyone's questions, but I really couldn't help myself there. Holy cow.

People you date become exes for pretty much only one reason: at least one person feels that the relationship is expendable. That they could throw it away and either not care or else actually be happier. Do you really want to go back to spending your time with a person who took a look at the incredible amazing intelligent beautiful talented hotness that is you, looked long and hard and said "Wow, she's really not even that cool. Definitely not worth my time and effort."

Do you really want that? Holy cow.

[Laser Jock]

I think it depends. There was a girl I dated for a short while (about a month); we ended up stopping because relationships in general made her nervous (she had had a rough past relationship). In the meantime we became even better friends, and it became obvious that she trusted me a lot. Several months later we ended up trying dating again, hoping that this time the extra friendship would help things work better. Did it? A little, for a while. We did end up breaking up, this time for good. Still, though, I don't think it was a bad idea to try again in this case, nor do I feel like it was a waste of time. She's still one of my best friends.

[Avocado]

I think it very much depends on the reason that you broke up.

If the reason was, for example, "I'm moving out of the country for a year, and don't want you to be tied down to me while I'm gone," then I don't see any reason why you wouldn't be able to date again at another time, if both parties are still interested (provided that really WAS the reason, and not just an excuse.) Even a "I'm just not feeling it" breakup might be an okay relationship to resume at another time, if both are willing, interested, and honest with themselves.

On the other hand, if the reason was, "You are a scum bag who makes me feel horrible about myself," then I would strongly recommend against those people getting back together.

I think that reasons people break up are numerous and broad. In general, though, I would say that if I broke up with someone because his nature, company, or actions were damaging to my self-worth or future, I shouldn't get back together with him.

[A Mom, but not yours]

I'm going with the strong responses being colored by previous experiences. Contrast this with the question last week about divorce. Breakups happen for as many reasons, of varying intensity, as there are breakups. I don't think it's always a good thing or always a bad thing. However, there is always the caution that one definition of insanity is doing exactly the same thing and expecting a different result.

[Fredjikrang]

Considering my lack of experience in anything relationship related, I disqualify myself from having an opinion.