Mental illness is dumber

[TheBlackSheep]

So, I am indeed taking a leave from absence from school and changing jobs. Actually, I'm quitting my job as of March 1 with no direct plans, but I've never looked for a job for longer than a week or so, so I think I will be fine. On March 1 I am flying to Las Vegas, where I will be for two weeks. The Black Ram will come for his spring break starting March 8. I've found some services to access while I'm there.

Leaving school means I'll have to start over with a therapist once I get back. It also means I'll have to find a doctor/psychiatrist to keep working with me on meds. I have final appointments with both on the Thursday before I skip town.

I just read a book called The Depression Book: Depression as an Opportunity for Spiritual Growth by Cheri Huber. I guess I had to get desperate enough to try a zen self-help book, but my god, I loved it. It's short, and I've read it three times in as many days. It was filled with all kinds of ground-breaking thoughts that I've somehow missed during the last 13.5 years I've spent with depression looking over my shoulder. (Example: I would never tell a friend [or a stranger!] who said they were depressed and just wanted to give up that they should give up, that there is nothing worth fighting for, and that maybe they should just end it. But I tell that to myself all the time. To a friend/acquaintance/stranger, I'd say, let's talk this out, what are your feelings and thoughts, let's process. I never, ever say that to myself. How on earth have I missed that one?) CBT is the standard treatment for depression, and it's successful in at least 80% of cases (some figures I've seen say as high as 90%), but I am a master over-intellectualizer when it comes to emotions. So a therapy format that is all about labeling cognitions as a mode of changing behaviors sometimes helps feed my pathology. CBT helped me get past my obvious self-hate years ago, and it was useful to me, but since then I've felt lost. My current therapist started encouraging mindfulness and recognizing that I do, in fact, have emotions (!) and that emotions can be messy (!) and that that is okay (!), but as soon as I stopped seeing her every week I fell apart. All of a sudden I feel encouraged by mindfulness-type treatments on a new level after reading this book.

Part of me fears I'm becoming a damn hippie, but I feel encouraged, and my emotions are okay. Ha!

[bobtheenchantedone]

Good luck, dear.

As a side note, I think I really must be bipolar. I was all empathizing with this thread last week because I nearly didn't get out of bed two or three days in a row, quit eating, had panic attacks, etc. etc., but on Friday I somehow pulled myself together for an audition and did super well and suddenly I'm on top of the world again! Just in time to get $200+ worth of rush orders. Excellent timing, hypomania.

(Also, I've been meaning to mention that I will be in SLC All Day on April 2nd. We should hang out if at all possible.)

[Portia]

I feel the fears of hippie-ness (especially from my vegetarian pseudo-Buddhist Unitarian ex-Mormon best friend) as well, but I think mindfulness is a useful tool outside "ohhhhmmm!"

It's discouraging that shit still happens even when I'm trying to improve things. But welcome to adulthood, I guess?

[Whistler]

All of a sudden I feel encouraged by mindfulness-type treatments on a new level after reading this book.

Part of me fears I'm becoming a damn hippie, but I feel encouraged, and my emotions are okay. Ha!

A friend of mine who suffers from depression has started saying "it was me who helped me through this depression." I think for some people, having a change of surroundings and something to hope on, like a new medication or new location, can help them out of a depressive episode, but sometimes it's empowering to think that you can do things to help yourself (I don't know if that even makes sense). Also, I have lots of love for mindfulness stuff, even if it is kinda trendy.

[Portia]

Narcissism happened.

So one of the most interesting academic articles I've read is one I fund while researching this topic, "Narcissicism and Romantic Attraction," by W. Keith Cambpell of UNC-Chapel Hill, published in '99 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Anyone who thinks they might be involved with or who is a narcissist might enjoy reading it.

[bobtheenchantedone]

I'm skipping all my classes today. I just can't deal. My panic attack this morning lasted about 45 minutes, and I still have an upset stomach and keep trying to go back to panicking. Plus my chest is hurting. Probably better ask the doctor about that. At least last night's panic attack was only a couple minutes long.

Also, I was on the phone with my mother about an order she's helping me with, and she asked if I'm bipolar how come I'm not all promiscuous? Also, remember that only people who have a piece of paper from the government before they have sex are good people! Also, she assumes that we found housing less than a mile from campus instead of moving back to our overcrowded parent's house which is a mile from the nearest bus stop and a good 20 minute drive away from UVU only because we don't like her. And then I, like the deer in the headlights I am, simply ended the conversation instead of setting boundaries.

I'm going to go take a nap. Maybe the world will look better then.

[Portia]

Oh, please, Mrs. Enchanted, we all know it's the other Type II disorders that are all slutty. I would know. ;-)

Best of luck in getting over this hump!

[Emiliana]

I'm skipping all my classes today. I just can't deal. My panic attack this morning lasted about 45 minutes, and I still have an upset stomach and keep trying to go back to panicking. Plus my chest is hurting. Probably better ask the doctor about that. At least last night's panic attack was only a couple minutes long.

Also, I was on the phone with my mother about an order she's helping me with, and she asked if I'm bipolar how come I'm not all promiscuous? Also, remember that only people who have a piece of paper from the government before they have sex are good people! Also, she assumes that we found housing less than a mile from campus instead of moving back to our overcrowded parent's house which is a mile from the nearest bus stop and a good 20 minute drive away from UVU only because we don't like her. And then I, like the deer in the headlights I am, simply ended the conversation instead of setting boundaries.

I'm going to go take a nap. Maybe the world will look better then.

Oy. That's no good.

Chest pain can go along with panic attacks, but of course it's not a bad idea to get it checked out anyway.

[TheBlackSheep]

I'm skipping all my classes today. I just can't deal. My panic attack this morning lasted about 45 minutes, and I still have an upset stomach and keep trying to go back to panicking. Plus my chest is hurting. Probably better ask the doctor about that. At least last night's panic attack was only a couple minutes long.

Also, I was on the phone with my mother about an order she's helping me with, and she asked if I'm bipolar how come I'm not all promiscuous? Also, remember that only people who have a piece of paper from the government before they have sex are good people! Also, she assumes that we found housing less than a mile from campus instead of moving back to our overcrowded parent's house which is a mile from the nearest bus stop and a good 20 minute drive away from UVU only because we don't like her. And then I, like the deer in the headlights I am, simply ended the conversation instead of setting boundaries.

I'm going to go take a nap. Maybe the world will look better then.

bob, none of that is easy stuff. You're great, you're doing great, just keep on slugging. I know how dumb that sounds and I hope you aren't insulted by the triteness because it also happens to be true. I hope the panic attacks have gotten easier to deal with since you posted this. Also, you mom clearly doesn't understand that there are several types of goal-oriented behavior that can manifest themselves with bipolar disorder other than sexually acting out. And hey if she wants to assume that, let her assume that. You don't have to be suddenly perfect at setting boundaries just because your mom likes to push them. That stuff is hard for you and you're allowed to develop at your own pace as long as you keep moving. It's like that running saying that makes me cringe whenever I see it on Pinterest... No matter how slow you're going, you're lapping everyone on the couch, or something like that. You, my dear, are running freaking laps around a great many people just by doing your best. And sometimes the best self care is to take an effing nap already.

Also, thanks for all the support on this thread and elsewhere. A trip home was just what the doctor ordered and I've been scarily emotionally stable for almost three whole weeks (!) which after the past few months sounds like a dream. I'm almost back into full-time work and blah blah. It gets better, depression lies, and all those embroidery-worthy statements.

[TheBlackSheep]

It's discouraging that shit still happens even when I'm trying to improve things. But welcome to adulthood, I guess?

DUDE. This. "Ish," as the ladies in rehab are wont to say, will always happen, maybe especially when you're trying to improve things. Some folks call that Satan, you call it adulthood, I call it one more reason why I sometimes struggle to function.

[Portia]

I think Don Draper is the poster child for what my issues look like in a man. That was a weird realization.

[Portia]

I had a really bad experience with a flowchart becoming a referendum on my marriageability. (I completely and totally lost it. Yay Fridays.) The lyrics from "King of Anything" made me feel a lot better. Trying to get approval from other people is not a good way to feel stable. Because you won't get it.

[TheBlackSheep]

You speak the truth.

[Portia]

So anyways I feel like since I recognized I had a problem that my reactions to setbacks have improved. It's not like I woke up one day with no abnormalities, and my romantic relationships still tend to the Katy Perry "Hot and Cold"* type, but I have been able to not overreact when I get angry (even justifiably!), think more realistically in terms of my long-term cost-benefit analysis in dating, and commit to a better schedule that won't leave too much time for brooding. I was super resistant to being labeled as anything, but now I just view it as a difficult thing to learn to manage, not a scarlet letter. Reading everything I could on the Board helped a lot, too. :D

*sorry those diagnosed with bi-polar ... Is that line more funny to you or offensive?

[mic0]

I'm starting escitalopram/lexapro for anxiety today. I just took it, I'm nervous, guys. Mr. Mico assures me I'll be fine but I made the huge mistake of reading the side effects!

[vorpal blade]

I'm starting escitalopram/lexapro for anxiety today. I just took it, I'm nervous, guys. Mr. Mico assures me I'll be fine but I made the huge mistake of reading the side effects!

Is one of the side effects nervous anxiety? Actually, I've seen that sort of thing before, where the possible side effect was what you were trying to fix in the first place.

[Violet]

I'm starting escitalopram/lexapro for anxiety today. I just took it, I'm nervous, guys. Mr. Mico assures me I'll be fine but I made the huge mistake of reading the side effects!

Lexapro has some of the lowest incidences of poor side effects of SSRIs and has been shown to be highly effective. You should be more than fine (but do pay attention to the way you feel after a week or two).

[Emiliana]

I was on Lexapro for a couple of years and had pretty good results. I know that doesn't guarantee anything for you, but after reading side effects sometimes it's nice to hear from someone who had a totally normal experience with something.

[TheBlackSheep]

I was also okay on Lexapro!

And my last terrible bout of depression pretty much laid waste to my relationship with the Black Ram. After trying to fix things for a couple of months, we broke up a week ago and I moved out. We have a date tomorrow to possibly POSSIBLY start the process of becoming close again. Anyway, the point of this is DEPRESSION IS DUMB.

[Portia]

Good luck, my friend.