Mental illness is dumber

[Portia]

THIRDED.

Oh that's cool Imogen you have to wait til my birthday. Wut. Welcome to 'merica.

[bobtheenchantedone]

Anxiety has me too. The other night I couldn't stop moving or even shut my eyes; thankfully, Marduk is just down the hall. I crawled into his bed, dozed a bit while he finished his video game, and then he talked me through breathing exercises until I was at least calm enough for exhaustion to take over.

[Imogen]

Turns out i'm not going until the 21st of january. i can't sleep. i wake up daily feeling like my chest is pressing into my body. i can't focus. i am MISERABLE. i called a crisis hotline the other night just to talk to someone. i may need to do that again soon.

it's a long wait to my doctor's appointment.

[TheBlackSheep]

I'm so sorry, everyone whose anxiety is currently rearing its ugly head. Imogen, if there is anything I can do please let me know, day or night.

I hate Christmas. I hate it. This year it graduated from a distaste to full blown hatred. I feigned being sick all day yesterday to get out of family things because I just could not, and today I'm in deep depression land when there's a pretty girl I'd rather be kissing and a trip to see Unlucky Stuntman to get ready for.

I'm tired of depression and of feeling my feelings. I'm tired of trauma and grief and being patient. I'm tired of allowing myself to be in relationship dynamics that led me to propose last Christmas, tired of being grateful for being rejected when I proposed, and tired of feeling like I'm over all of that only for it to jump out and bite me when I least expect it. I'm tired tired tired.

[Emiliana]

So last week was Hella long and a greater than average amount of stressful, then I had a meet with my kids on Saturday, then last night I had a full on panic attack because I was too tired to finish my lesson plans. Blech. So I took xanax, but since I was right smack in the middle of panicking I took more than I normally would and then I was like.....crap. cause now I'm still super tired. My husband suggested taking the day off today but an unexpected day off usually just means more stress. :\

[Portia]

So last week was Hella long and a greater than average amount of stressful, then I had a meet with my kids on Saturday, then last night I had a full on panic attack because I was too tired to finish my lesson plans. Blech. So I took xanax, but since I was right smack in the middle of panicking I took more than I normally would and then I was like.....crap. cause now I'm still super tired. My husband suggested taking the day off today but an unexpected day off usually just means more stress. :\

So my favorite TV show at present is Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and this reminds me of the "hunting for the pills I totally flushed down the sink" episode. Finding some humor in the situation has helped me. :-) Feel better soon! And I said the same thing about taking an unexpected Monday off (more about bronchial problems for me -- SAVE ME FROM OUR AIR)

[TheBlackSheep]

I had been off meds and stable for over nine weeks... until earlier today. So there's that.

Sometimes it's easier to be okay with having to be on meds to not be miserable than other times.

[bobtheenchantedone]

Yesterday was the four-week anniversary of the beginning of this hypomanic episode. I celebrated in the usual way; by not getting much sleep Tuesday night, bouncing off the walls all day, and crashing as evening wore on (including, this time, crying in the bathroom and having all my coworkers be concerned for me which is just embarrassing).

I had to start taking serotonin so I would eat. I'm now taking melatonin so I'll sleep. I've injured myself several times because I'm increasingly clumsy and careless. My right eye has been twitching for days now. I keep having little moments where reality and I go our separate ways, such as swerving while driving to avoid patches of light on the road my brain told me I couldn't run over. I want it to stoooooooooooooop.

[Portia]

I've been coping all right. (woohoo!) However, guess the following mental disorder. A close male friend of mine mentioned offhandedly that he'd been diagnosed with it as a kid.

I guess I'd have to have a professional diagnosis, but maybe this or something similar could be explanatory for my fantastic flameouts once I hit college? Maybe I should rule it out when I go back to school so I can perform better? (Whatever the root cause, my short attention span is kind of killing me at work at the moment.)

"She may have a low tolerance for stress, feel extremely sensitive to criticism, and work hard to conform to adult expectations in hopes of gaining approval from others. She may have a hard time saying “no” to others, over committing to responsibilities that she cannot fulfill. It may be difficult for her to make firm decisions on even simple tasks, so that she seems wishy-washy and indecisive. Problem solving situations can become overwhelming and she may often find herself stuck, experiencing a sense of paralysis, unable to move forward at all. Managing her time can be quite a challenge, as well, and “running late” may be her norm. She may also be hypersensitive to her environment – the noise, the sights, even touch – and quickly become overloaded, “shutting down” and unable to function. She may feel and incredible sense of shame, berating herself for not “living up to her potential”.

If she does have more of the hyperactive/impulsive symptoms of [x], she may be hypertalkative and hypersocial, extroverted — a social butterfly. She may often find herself “with her foot in her mouth”, blurting out and saying things without thinking and regretting it later. She may have intense emotional reactions, seem moody, impatient, and stubborn or argumentative. She may have poor self-restraint, making decisions impulsively, in addition to having have a hard time getting herself motivated, being more productive, planning, prioritizing, and organizing her life."

[Cognoscente]

Seems like those describe the Predominantly Inattentive and Predominately Hyperactive presentations of ADHD.

/ADHD-PI

[Portia]

Seems like those describe the Predominantly Inattentive and Predominately Hyperactive presentations of ADHD.

/ADHD-PI

That they do. I'm considering getting tested.

[Portia]

Cogs, do you have personal experience?

[Cognoscente]

Uh, yeah, you could say that.

From a neurologist last year:
"The patient’s noted history of substantial academic issues in high school and college despite his intellectual strengths, his endorsement of current symptoms, his performance on testing, and his pattern of behaviors in daily life are all consistent with a diagnosis of Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Inattentive Type (DSM-5 314.00)."

[Portia]

Uh, yeah, you could say that.

From a neurologist last year:
"The patient’s noted history of substantial academic issues in high school and college despite his intellectual strengths, his endorsement of current symptoms, his performance on testing, and his pattern of behaviors in daily life are all consistent with a diagnosis of Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Inattentive Type (DSM-5 314.00)."

Interesting. Did you feel that visiting a neurologist was helpful? Were you prescribed stimulants? Do you think it affects your interpersonal relationships?

ADHD seems to present somewhat differently in women* than in men. :-) I had amazing focus in high school, and performed very well on standardized tests, so I think the prevailing assumption in college was that I was lazy. (BYU is a weird atmosphere anyway since I tended to turn what attentional abilities I had on dating and that's considered normal.)

What made me think about this was looking at some of my DNA results. I have a genetic variant correlated with "increased susceptibility to novelty seeking changes in dopamine D4 receptor levels, associated with ADHD, increased susceptibility to novelty seeking."

So when I Googled "ADHD in adult women" I was like ... huh.

*I was telling Zed that there was a study about a different genetic variant which was HIGHLY correlated with suicidal ideation after taking SSRIs ... but they only had men in the sample. (And I'm homozygous for this variant. And definitely had that symptom, myself. Fun!)

[Cognoscente]

I had amazing focus in high school

You probably don't have ADHD.

If you see a lot of "increased susceptibility to novelty seeking changes" I would ask a neurologist about BPD or some other disorder related to executive functioning instead. There are some overlapping symptoms and comorbidites with ADHD.

[Portia]

I had amazing focus in high school

You probably don't have ADHD.

If you see a lot of "increased susceptibility to novelty seeking changes" I would ask a neurologist about BPD or some other disorder related to executive functioning instead. There are some overlapping symptoms and comorbidites with ADHD.

Huh. I didn't know that. (I think the stigma of BPD is pretty damn bad, though, and I've never heard it treated as a learning disorder for scholastic/job purposes, when it comes to that.) Do you think there's a pro/con to seeing a neurologist as opposed to some other specialist? It sounds like a large expense ...

Did you attention improve after childhood or get worse? I read that puberty can actually make it worse for women, and that was pretty much the end of high school for me. But obviously a lot of other anxiety-type disorders only really manifest then, too.

FWIW, some other moms thought I had ADHD as a child but my mom was offended. :P So I was hyperactive and even disruptive, although skipping a grade helped.

Was there a reason you weren't diagnosed til your 30s, per se? Or did I misunderstand that part?

[Cognoscente]

Talk to a doctor or a psychiatrist. If they think it's a good idea they'll probably refer you to a neurologist. Mine was mostly covered, thank goodness–co-pay of only a few hundred dollars, and I think the full price of the psychoanalysis was more than $5K.

From what I've heard, most ADHD manifests in childhood, and can either go away or persist as adult ADHD. I've had it my whole life, but I was intellectually gifted enough that I could compensate in childhood. Once schoolwork started requiring study, my grades sank and it's been that way ever since. Even though I had it as a kid, my parents didn't believe in it, which is why I didn't get checked until adulthood. I got diagnosed in BYU, but had to get re-diagnosed recently because the U of U health system "couldn't find" BYU's medical records. When will this terrible rivalry end!

ADHD isn't a "learning" disorder so much as a "developmental" disorder. (Though there can be a co-morbidity.) My intellect isn't impaired, but my executive function is: I have poor organizational, time-management, and prioritization skills. Often, processing information takes longer. Responsibilities that include extended periods of uninterrupted focus can be intimidating and anxiety-producing, which leads to procrastination, which leads to results that are very similar to having a learning disability, but for different reasons.

Which is why despite

INTELLECTUAL ABILITY: Observed verbal intellectual functioning was in the superior range for his age and education, and general fund of knowledge was in the very superior range. An index of overall intellectual ability (WAIS-IV), which is a composite of verbal comprehension, perceptual reasoning, working memory, and processing speed indices (with a mean of 100 and a standard deviation of 15), was very superior (FSIQ = 122).

I still feel hopelessly unqualified and dim-witted sometimes.

[Portia]

Five grand?! I'm in the wrong field, guys!

Thank for sharing. I think talking about these sorts of issues can be difficult, but I've always liked that about the Board, that we don't have to be perfect.

Are you pursuing grad school at the U, then?

[Cognoscente]

lol, grad school. Dare to dream. I haven't even finished my associates yet. Thank god I'm in a lucrative field where education is secondary to on-the-job ability.

[Portia]

lol, grad school. Dare to dream. I haven't even finished my associates yet. Thank god I'm in a lucrative field where education is secondary to on-the-job ability.

Woohoo! You're a developer, right?