the bubble

[Portia]

So I hope I don't offend anyone, but this is in "Soapbox." I was recently seeking a roommate, and was hoping for one I meshed with better than my current one. She is very much a "party girl" and I am sure finds my nerdiness and indie music as annoying as I find her trashy reality TV and blaring Ke$ha. I respect her as a person but don't consider her a friend. I had five interested candidates, three of whom were LDS girls. And every one of them was extremely conflict-averse and indirect. If they were only looking for active LDS roommates living the letter of the Honor Code, just say! I try to be very respectful of other people and their choices (even my current roommate's choice to never do the dishes and leave the TV blaring and have a range of strange men over to have sex at inopportune times). Her possible binge drinking, for instance, does not take away my agency and as long as she pays her portion of the rent on time, she is a legal adult. I am not sure if it is a Mormon thing or a girl thing, but I just am very frustrated by indirectness and being led on. I thought that one of them, in particular, would be a very good friend and we could have a lot in common. Well, I ended up with a gay guy who says I remind him of Lindsay Sterling. Probably the best for everyone, but it is disappointing to think that perhaps some people think I am a "sinner" or a "bad influence" or something. This is why I get along with guys better: they're so much blunter!!! The weirdest one was a girl with an Idaho phone number who just disappeared without so much as a "thank you for the information, but I'm not interested." I don't think that differing "standards" is an excuse to be rude. (And I don't think the one girl was rude: she was actually very polite, which made it harder, because I had high hopes.) Maybe girls don't say what they really think.

[Portia]

Reading my post I definitely think my problem is not reading women well more than Mormons per se. I get along with Mormon guys just fine; and of course, they wouldn't be looking to live with me. (Unless I seduced them? j/k)

[Whistler]

I think you're completely right that lots of women in Utah use indirect methods of communication or are passive-aggressive. It might help to ask direct questions yourself, like "Are you okay with a roommate who doesn't live by the BYU honor code?" Although, probably a lot of girls haven't decided what they think, so they might feel caught off guard and not really take the time to think it through. I think if I were sharing a room with someone, I wouldn't want them to have tons of other people in our room, and definitely not sex in our room (just because I like having somewhere to retreat to). Wine/coffee and having people over after midnight I could handle. But since many women who might be used to certain kinds of roommates haven't considered what a non-honor-code-abiding roommate would be, they haven't thought of what their actual boundaries are and how to define them?

[Portia]

I think you're completely right that lots of women in Utah use indirect methods of communication or are passive-aggressive. It might help to ask direct questions yourself, like "Are you okay with a roommate who doesn't live by the BYU honor code?" Although, probably a lot of girls haven't decided what they think, so they might feel caught off guard and not really take the time to think it through. I think if I were sharing a room with someone, I wouldn't want them to have tons of other people in our room, and definitely not sex in our room (just because I like having somewhere to retreat to). Wine/coffee and having people over after midnight I could handle. But since many women who might be used to certain kinds of roommates haven't considered what a non-honor-code-abiding roommate would be, they haven't thought of what their actual boundaries are and how to define them?

These are really good points.

The apartment has separate bedrooms, and my roommate has an attached bathroom, so there's lots of privacy. This is why I don't feel that I have the right to say much about my current roommate's escapades. (And it's not like I've never had guys over.)

And yeah, I actually lived with my Mormon grandmother long enough to hide the wine/coffee thing, although it's nice to think I don't have to hide like it's illegal.

And yes, boundaries are just so super important and I think everyone should think about them. Clearly I need to be upfront with the gay guy about how I feel about dishes in the sink. :P Haha

[Whistler]

yeah, confrontation is hard, and I definitely had my share of passive-aggressive behaviors as a student/roommate, just because I felt overwhelmed with everything else

[Portia]

Gay guy fell through. Found a formerly Mormon woman on Reddit who seems cool, straightforward, and around whom I wouldn't have to stress about sleeves.