Wedding Registries in Inviations

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NovemberEast
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Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by NovemberEast »

I have the feeling I'm about to be really unpopular here and get hated on...but this topic fires me up.

This Board Question: #80175

Before I begin....if you put registry info in your invitations and just thought it was the norm or whatever then I forgive you...not that you need my forgiveness. But I really don't hate you, I'm more concerned with the future. Can we please stop doing this as normal mormon wedding culture?

I am a professional stationer and like EastCoaster (the commenter to the post) said, it is largely a Utah (maybe surrounding states) Mormon thing. It is rude because it is considered asking guests for "presents" instead of their "presence." The point of an invitation is to invite someone to an event, not to invite them to give you stuff. This rule applies to all social stationary, not just to weddings. When you had birthday parties as a child, did you mom include a list of acceptable gifts or favorite toy stores?! The exception includes stationary for showers because the point of a shower is to “shower” the bride (or a new mom) with gifts.

The perceived laziness of your guests is not an excuse to include it. All guests have to do is a simple google search of "Jane Smith and John Brown Wedding." That will easily reveal the registry information for the happy couple. If guests don’t have the technology, one may ask anyone in the wedding party or family (they should all be made aware of the registry). So there is really no reason not to follow the etiquette of social stationary. A wedding website is also the perfect place for registry information. Just make sure it is linked up with theknot.com or another similar site because they publish registries for easy guest access through search engine queries.

Leaving registry information out does not mean people will ignore your registry and get you 15 toasters. That could happen regardless of your actions. I did not include registry information anywhere inside the invitation envelope (it’s really not supposed to be an insert either) for my wedding and I still fulfilled most of my registry and received some other thoughtful non-registry items.

That being said, once again, can we please stop doing this as a mormon culture? Seeing as how mormons are so traditional and stuff why are we so against traditional social stationary rules for weddings? WHYYYYYYY?????? Some say including registry is "practical" but we mormons stick to plenty of traditional things that are not practical so why the registries in invites? The logic of the etiquette dismissal just doesn't stand. And yes people can do what they want because "it's their own dang wedding." But why ignore easy rules that exist for the sake of politeness?

Ok you can all hate me and think i'm a total snothead now. And no one is going to change their mind. I'll just go hide in my cave now so you can throw stones at me through the opening.
Katya
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by Katya »

NovemberEast wrote:That being said, once again, can we please stop doing this as a mormon culture? Seeing as how mormons are so traditional and stuff why are we so against traditional social stationary rules for weddings?
We're not traditional when it comes to weddings, though. We have very short engagements, we put photographs in our wedding announcements, we spend comparatively little money on our weddings, we don't allow everyone to come to our weddings, our wedding ceremony is very different from traditional Western wedding ceremonies, our wedding clothing is different from traditional Western wedding clothing, etc., etc. I'm not taking a position on the issue you bring up, just pointing out that we're not at all traditional when it comes to weddings, so it's not that surprising to me that we would have different habits with regards to wedding stationary (regardless of whether or not you approve of those habits).
Rainbow_connection
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by Rainbow_connection »

Maybe being against it is an east coast thing? My husband is from California and converted to the church as a teenager and he had never heard of it being rude to include wedding registry information in the invitation.
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by Rainbow_connection »

Also we've gone to several weddings for his non-Mormon friends who still live in California and they've all included registry info in the invitation.
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mic0
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by mic0 »

Could it be that people in different parts of the country have both different traditions and different ideas about what is "polite"? :o (We didn't include registry info in our invites, my dad (who grew up in Utah, Mormon all his life) thought we should but I thought it was too... presumptuous. This is before I knew anything about weddings.)
NovemberEast
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by NovemberEast »

We're not traditional when it comes to weddings, though.
I could argue that we are actually more traditional about marriage than "the world" (who would call us "old fashioned"). Long engagements and extravagence at the wedding, although certainly not new things, have actually become increasingly popular and commonplace through the years. With this reasoning, we could still be considered traditional, as could our values surrounding the religious nature of marriage.
Maybe being against it is an east coast thing?
It would also have to be a southern thing, since that's where I'm from. Also three of my friends from Texas are big on this rule. And my maid of honor was from California followed it as well. But I consider it just an ettiquette thing. Although I would say that certain regions take more stock in propriety. As far as geography goes, it would make more sense that the further west in the states you go, the less things like that would matter. After all, I can't imagine the frontiersmen who traveled west thinking that having his kids go to a cotillion ball was really a necessity in the western front.
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mic0
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by mic0 »

NovemberEast wrote:After all, I can't imagine the frontiersmen who traveled west thinking that having his kids go to a cotillion ball was really a necessity in the western front.
:lol:
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Whistler
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by Whistler »

my mother-in-law, who is from South Africa, politely insisted that we not include registry information in our wedding invites. I didn't feel strongly about it and was happy to oblige. I believe white South African culture is much like England's in that politeness and etiquette is very important to them. I've picked up saying "I beg your pardon?" instead of "what?" from them. :-)
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Owlet
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by Owlet »

What I want to know is, where do you put the website information? On the invite itself, or is that supposed to go in an insert too?

I didn't realize including pictures was a Mormon thing. Is that something that is also considered rude, or just different?
Edit: ohhhh people do pictures in their "Save the Date" thing, so they're unnecessary in the invite. With the short engagement of Mormon couples, you kind of combine the two. Also, I really like the typography of the non-Mormon invites I've been Googling. It feels like all my friends use the same three fonts.

Also, *stationery.
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Indefinite Integral
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by Indefinite Integral »

NovemberEast wrote: The perceived laziness of your guests is not an excuse to include it. All guests have to do is a simple google search of "Jane Smith and John Brown Wedding." That will easily reveal the registry information for the happy couple. If guests don’t have the technology, one may ask anyone in the wedding party or family (they should all be made aware of the registry). So there is really no reason not to follow the etiquette of social stationary. A wedding website is also the perfect place for registry information. Just make sure it is linked up with theknot.com or another similar site because they publish registries for easy guest access through search engine queries.
I consider myself to be quite tech savvy and I never once thought of googling a couple's names to find their wedding registries. Am I just completely out of the loop, or are other people on board with me?

When people don't include their registry on the invite I sometimes will check the actual website of the more popular registry stores (like bed bath and beyond) to see if they are registered there. Personally, I'm not offended by someone putting their registry information on the invite. For me it just seems like a way to make it less annoying for those who want to give gifts, not a demand for everyone to give the couple a gift. Then again, I was raised in Utah, so what do I know....
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Cindy
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by Cindy »

Indefinite Integral wrote: I consider myself to be quite tech savvy and I never once thought of googling a couple's names to find their wedding registries. Am I just completely out of the loop, or are other people on board with me?
I never would have thought to use Google to find a wedding registry either.

I find the inclusion of wedding registry information with the invitation helpful rather than offensive. If a couple doesn't include their registry information in the invitation, I don't feel any less pressure to bring a gift, but I tend to feel somewhat annoyed that the couple is making me go to extra work to find something that is supposed to make life easier for gift-givers. A secret registry is a pointless registry.

The idea that guests can ask the couple's family for their registry information probably made sense back when this etiquette rule was first formulated, but it's rather unrealistic for many Americans today. Most of the wedding receptions I go to are for friends from my singles' ward, whose families I've never met. I've tried asking roommates, but the roommates usually don't know and are irritated to be asked about it. And that's a big part of the reason why I mostly just give gift cards or cash nowadays.

I grew up in California, so you can chalk this up to the Western preference for practicality over etiquette again.
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Portia
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by Portia »

If Mormons believed in traditional weddings there'd be a whole hell of a lot more champagne and no basketball hoops in sight. And anyone who was close family could attend.
Emiliana
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by Emiliana »

I'm from Texas and it's definitely considered a breach of etiquette here. I don't care, personally, but plenty of people would. The traditional alternative is that everyone invited to the wedding is also invited to the shower. The shower is hosted by someone outside the family and it is therefore acceptable for THAT person to disseminate information about the registries. Kind of round about and ridiculous, but that's the acceptable way to do things 'round here.
M.O.D.A.Q.
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by M.O.D.A.Q. »

This is slightly off-topic but one of my sister's friends received a deep fryer at her wedding reception and the couple decided that they wouldn't use it and so returned it.

WHO COULDN'T FIND A USE FOR A DEEP FRYER?
NovemberEast
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by NovemberEast »

What I want to know is, where do you put the website information? On the invite itself, or is that supposed to go in an insert too?
You can do either. Not everyone does inserts because they can get pricey. If you put it on the invitation, it usually goes in the lower left corner. Why the left corner? Not sure. It's just the traditional RSVP spot. But no one is going to get offended if you put it on the right side.

If you put it as an enclosure, it can be as simple as a business card type thing with just the url. Or you can put some wording with it:
"For directions and more information please visit http://www.website.com"
"For more information please visit http://www.website.com"

If you're doing a paperless rsvp, you can include the website with the RSVP info.
"Please rsvp at http://www.website.com" So that's like two birds with one stone.
This is another thing some people find tacky, but it's usually done to save money on stamps and printing. Its appropriateness is usually related to the formality of your event since invitations set the tone of the event for the guest.
I didn't realize including pictures was a Mormon thing. Is that something that is also considered rude, or just different?
Edit: ohhhh people do pictures in their "Save the Date" thing, so they're unnecessary in the invite. With the short engagement of Mormon couples, you kind of combine the two. Also, I really like the typography of the non-Mormon invites I've been Googling. It feels like all my friends use the same three fonts.
You're definitely right about pictures being redundant if there are save the dates. I have had non members do photos in their invitation because they have shorter engagements. Pictures aren't just a mormon thing. I wondered if they would get less popular with social media sharing of engagements, but I think people just like to show off their pictures. I don't blame them. Plus aunt betty or grandma elizabeth usually want to see them.

That being said, putting 18 tiny pictures around your invitation text kind of is stereotypically mormon. Also, no one can see them all. But some people just really like themselves?
NovemberEast
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by NovemberEast »

If Mormons believed in traditional weddings there'd be a whole hell of a lot more champagne and no basketball hoops in sight. And anyone who was close family could attend.
In the bible belt you get a lot of non member church receptions...and basketball hoops. They all seem to have carpet floors though, with no basketball lines. That boggles my mind.
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Shrinky Dink
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by Shrinky Dink »

M.O.D.A.Q. wrote:This is slightly off-topic but one of my sister's friends received a deep fryer at her wedding reception and the couple decided that they wouldn't use it and so returned it.

WHO COULDN'T FIND A USE FOR A DEEP FRYER?
We got a deep fryer, we haven't used it yet, but we definitely aren't returning it!
*Insert Evil Laughter Here*
NerdGirl
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by NerdGirl »

I got a wedding invitation from an LDS couple a few years ago that said, "In accordance with Chinese tradition, we are requesting that guests give us money in red envelopes." The bride and the groom were both white Canadians and neither of them had any connections at all to China.
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Portia
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by Portia »

I refuse to have a shower. After Google searching a bit, it looks like they're no longer mandatory. Which is a relief, since my grandma is a frugal introvert, my closest female friend lives in California and is broke with two kids, and the thought of my dad's wife getting involved ... @_@

I feel like bourgeois life is so STUFF-centric. I'm not some kind of mystic who never buys potato mashers, but I'm closer to 30 than 20. I just hope that my friends and remaining family can invest in their education and be happy I'm happy.

It reminds me of these ongoing minibattles which become so emblematic ... The in-law's in-law's hideous mug set I don't need but feel awkward saying no to (D.I.ed), my brother's art being plundered for the home that's not our home anymoooore, our Fancy Nice Dishes my mom picked out being the everyday dishes for this woman. I guess I see the psychic value of a cleansing brand new espresso maker unsullied by childhood disappointment.

Then the new family has its own adventurous ravines to navigate. My boyfriend's parents don't want to be addressed by their Christian names; like genderfluid trans* folks or something I now have a set of proper names to keep straight or risk offense. They want to be addressed as "Mom" and "Dad" or hey, you. I was proud of myself for not freaking out and glad that the boyfriend understood this is the opposite of my preference. No socially acceptable way to state, "um, this is like that book 'Wild,' but no, without the heroin or rampant marital infidelity. Let's never speak of parents again." I certainly don't wish to alienate the persons who raised someone I love and care about deeply, but it's a level of familiarity that makes me uncomfortable.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I may have walked into a field littered with the hand grenades of Tradition, Religion, Generation Clash, and Hurt Feelings. Will the TBM brother-in-law's impending affiancement and nuptials take the heat off me, or will it sharpen the beam of attention with laserlike focus into a sort of middle-aged NIMBYism and false accusations of leading their grown-@$$ son down the garden path a full year before we were a gleam in the other's eye?

As to the far more compelling question of the Facebook purges, a blanket "rule" like this bothers me. However in my case, I wonder what good ground rules are for establishing trust in an engagement or marriage. I already severed the FB connection with any problematic ex-flames, but I still text one, fairly frequently. It's not a secret, but I see how having that sort of sexually charged undertone to a platonic relationship could lead not just to weird flirtation ships but possibly less trust from a hypothetical husband. I won't tell others what to do, but I feel like being 100% honest, and expecting your friends of the gender you're attracted to to respect your freaking boundaries can't be bad. I'm glad I do have meaningful nonsexual relationships with a couple of men, though. (My brother and BFF since I was 3 aren't going anywhere, and the latter is, to me, the model of a good spouse. He really does treat his wife's opinion as the most important.)

The most romantic wedding I've ever heard of was in Wodehouse, eloping to the courthouse, eating buns. No Facebook, no announcements, no KitchenAids. Looks more appealing every day.
NovemberEast
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Re: Wedding Registries in Inviations

Post by NovemberEast »

I got a wedding invitation from an LDS couple a few years ago that said, "In accordance with Chinese tradition, we are requesting that guests give us money in red envelopes." The bride and the groom were both white Canadians and neither of them had any connections at all to China.
I would have gotten them a deep fryer and a pack of wonton wrappers. You know...to get them started.
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