estranged great-uncle

[Portia]

Both my fiancé and I have 60-something uncles who are gay and live on the West Coast.

His uncle isn't out of the closet but we're pretty darn sure he's gay and that this has been somewhat hidden from the WWII veteran father. But he is still very much part of the family and was instrumental in caring for his mother even if he has his own life. The siblings call each other and send birthday cards and attend funerals and so forth.

Now contrast this with my gay great-uncle. He has straight-up ignored us all for 12 years. I went to visit/stalk him four years ago and had a wonderful time with him and his husband in all but name. It was pretty clear that I wasn't a "TBM" and that I in no way brought any kind of opprobrium to his relationship.

But after I came home, no followup email, call, couldn't even bother to show up to his niece's funeral (my mom). Not going to lie, that really hurt. It seemed like he wanted to prioritize some vague feud rather than building a decent family connection.

He has two older half-siblings (one is my grandma) and one younger sister. They were all raised together by that same generation (WWII vet father and my great-grandma who was an awesome, kind woman). His younger sister hasn't even stepped foot in a Mormon church for like 50 years. I know the two older siblings are more "old-fashioned" but I'm pretty sure he's in the wrong here.

Their birthday cards to him were returned to sender, so now we have no idea if he's moved, dead, actively trying to shut them out, or some combination of the above. I'd like to check up on him and his partner to see if he's doing well, but am feeling quite a bit miffed that he has to be so over-the-top in making clear that he's not interested.

I can understand where he's coming from more than some members of my family, but I think he is being deliberately difficult and immature, and he just turned 60.

Any advice?

[Rainbow_connection]

He sounds a lot like my husband's biological father. He has skipped the weddings of all three of his married children (two Mormon weddings, two non-religious weddings) with outrageous excuses. He never answers his phone and has gone off the grid completely for months and sometimes years at a time. At a certain point we just had to accept that he isn't going to change, he isn't going to keep in touch, and he isn't going to be a good family member. We drove to southern New Mexico to see him when our daughter was born so he could meet her (first time he'd seen any of his children in five years), and we probably won't see him again unless we go out again. If you want a relationship with your great uncle, I think you should accept that it won't be a give-and-take relationship. Sorry that's not more optimistic, but I don't think you can change people like that.

[Portia]

He sounds a lot like my husband's biological father. He has skipped the weddings of all three of his married children (two Mormon weddings, two non-religious weddings) with outrageous excuses. He never answers his phone and has gone off the grid completely for months and sometimes years at a time. At a certain point we just had to accept that he isn't going to change, he isn't going to keep in touch, and he isn't going to be a good family member. We drove to southern New Mexico to see him when our daughter was born so he could meet her (first time he'd seen any of his children in five years), and we probably won't see him again unless we go out again. If you want a relationship with your great uncle, I think you should accept that it won't be a give-and-take relationship. Sorry that's not more optimistic, but I don't think you can change people like that.

Yeah, after my own bio dad having no interest in a relationship, I'm gun-shy.

Was your husband raised by his stepfather, or by his mom solo?

[Rainbow_connection]

Mostly by his mom until she remarried in his mid-teens.