Hypothetically Coming Out

[Integrating Editor]

Imagine that you are coming out as trans to orthodox Mormon, socially conservative parents. Further imagine that you're telling them that you will most likely be transitioning socially, hormonally, and legally. How would you go about breaking the news? Would you do it in person, via email, on the phone, or some other way? If you don't have a frame of reference for that dynamic, answering based on your own parents would be interesting too.

[Whistler]

here is a great video of a trans Mormon being pretty open about it: https://vimeo.com/82104871
this is another article from Modern Mormon Men: http://www.modernmormonmen.com/2014/12/ ... ch_14.html

I think I'd go about it slowly. I'd probably start wearing the clothes first, to introduce the idea and help them get used to it not being so weird, and possibly bring up the topic with media like the above. If they know any transpeople (IRL or the media), convince them to use the person's preferred pronouns. But I can see that some people would want to make a big change right away without "prepping" their family, and I think that would be harder for an orthodox family to accept.

[Shrinky Dink]

I agree with Whistler. Transitioning socially, hormonally, and legally takes a long time. I think it would be best to introduce the idea slowly.

I thought this article was an interesting perspective on men transitioning to women and possibly coming out to their families. http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/04/inside- ... ching.html While the article seems to feature older men, I still think it is a long, hard process for anyone.

I think I would do it in person and I'd start with the social changes. I'd probably start introducing the thought that my outside and inside didn't match. Then I'd probably start wearing different clothes. After that, I might start asking people to use a different name/pronoun when talking to or about me. If everything else had gone ok, then I think I would ask for support to make the full hormone and legal changes.

[TheBlackSheep]

I'm a rip-the-bandaid-off kind of person. They will be confused and in pain in the end anyway -- why let it go on and on?

I'd do it over the phone. Coming out as trans is much less socially acceptable as coming out as whatever-I-am, but that's how I came out to my parents. It felt authentic in that we were having a conversation, but it was also safe in that I could hang up if things got hairy.

I also adopted the advice of Dan Savage when coming out. Again, coming out as a sexual minority is much more socially acceptable than coming out as trans, but maybe the advice could carry over. What he recommends is to tell one's parents when coming out that they have a year to work their stuff out. They can be upset, they can cry, they can even be a little rude to the person who is coming out, they can throw whatever fits. But also let them know that after that year they need to be ready and willing to accept the person who is coming out exactly as they are with open, loving arms.

Coming out as trans and transitioning is so difficult in the best of times. I hope in this hypothetical, the person who is coming out would find lots of support and love before coming out to those difficult people. Sometimes that support and love can be found in surprising, far-flung places.

[The Happy Medium]

I've always wanted to ask my very conservative parents how they would react if I were to come out as gay or trans but I worry that they would think it wasn't actually hypothetical. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't react well so I'll just leave my curiosity unsatisfied. I can't imagine how hard it is for those for whom this isn't a hypothetical.

[Integrating Editor]

Thanks for responding and for the links. I was interested in how you guys would deal with your own parents more than simply in advice about my own position, which is why "hypothetically" is there in the title. But, yeah, very much not hypothetical for me. At this point, most of my siblings know, and not telling my parents is increasingly feeling like a lie of omission, repeated during every conversation. On some level, I've been prepping them for a long time. (Certain aspects of gender presentation, social activism, clear discomfort with being a woman.) But whether or not my parents have been connecting the dots is a different question. But it's nice to hear people's thoughts as I'm trying to hammer out a viable plan that works for both me and my parents.

[Portia]

Hmm, lies of omission is how my family semi-functions.

If you have a good relationship, aim to preserve it. If you don't, or it's distant anyway, I might be somewhat cautious about how much I let them into this aspect of my life.

How did your siblings react (if you feel comfortable answering to some extent)?

[Emiliana]

To me, Mormonism seems perfectly suited to accept transgender folks from a doctrinal perspective, even if not from a cultural perspective. Mormon doctrine says that gender is an immutable part of the soul, right? But human bodies aren't perfect. So someone's soul could be male even if his body was born with the wrong genitalia.

Unfortunately, our culture is such that being trans-friendly is seen as even more radical than being LGB-friendly, and Mormon culture isn't terribly accepting of things that are considered radical. :-/

I don't know if that would be a helpful line of reasoning with your parents or not. But if I had Mormon parents I think that's how I would approach it.

Not quite the same thing: I come from a religiously conservative family, but I'm now an atheist. I haven't really told any of them except my sister, who is also the only one in the family who knows that Marx and I lived together for a year before we got married. My sister didn't understand for the longest time why I wouldn't just tell them. But then she fell in love with her female best friend......and now I'm the only one in the family who knows about that.

All of that to say, lies of omission are incredibly common in most families, I think. But gender is such a huge part of your identity that I can see why you wouldn't want to keep on with that indefinitely. I hope that whatever ends up happening with them, your transition will help you find peace within yourself.

[Portia]

Not quite the same thing: I come from a religiously conservative family, but I'm now an atheist. I haven't really told any of them except my sister, who is also the only one in the family who knows that Marx and I lived together for a year before we got married. My sister didn't understand for the longest time why I wouldn't just tell them. But then she fell in love with her female best friend......and now I'm the only one in the family who knows about that.

All of that to say, lies of omission are incredibly common in most families, I think. But gender is such a huge part of your identity that I can see why you wouldn't want to keep on with that indefinitely. I hope that whatever ends up happening with them, your transition will help you find peace within yourself.

Slow clap. Brava.

[Integrating Editor]

Well, I've left the most-likely-to-be-unhappy sibling for the end (plan is this weekend, so wish me luck (he told me that he has "no respect for anyone in that [the LGBT] community" a couple months ago)), but the others have all been pretty great about it. There's been some concern expressed over whether or not transitioning will give me something worth the complications and potential fall out. Really, though, it's all been about what I need to have happen to be okay. A few of them have taken it as if it's a perfectly expected, totally normal announcement from a sibling. Questions have been mostly about understanding where I'm coming from, what to expect, and what I need from them.

So no matter what happens with the one brother and my parents, I'll still have a mostly supportive family. I'm very grateful for that. My relationship with my parents is pretty good, and I'd like to keep it that way, so hopefully they won't see my desire to transition as a hill to die on. I really am willing to work with my leaders on how far to go. The fact that I'm intentionally staying away from surgery because I'm hoping to stay in the Church ought to alleviate some concern. I could probably keep it from my parents and the brother for quite a while, but changing my name on Facebook and then proceeding to grow facial hair will make it public knowledge for lots and lots of friends and family. This way my immediate family members have some time to adjust and prepare for fielding the questions of those who know us both.

[Integrating Editor]

As an update: I was gloriously, happily surprised by how well coming out to the brother went. He was sort of expecting my announcement, and he's quite accepting and supportive. Thank goodness!

[Emiliana]

Yay! I'm glad it went well.

[Whistler]

thumbs up!

[Whistler]

so, I'm curious and you don't need to feel obligated to answer my question, but... are other BYU students rude about your transition? Or are most of them pretty cool with it?

[Integrating Editor]

Students' reactions have been reasonably good. People in my classes generally haven't noticed anything other than the hair cut since I'm still generally using my given name and female pronouns, so I don't know how BYU students would respond to me trying to fully transition. At this point, all but one of my current roommates is aware that I'm trans, and plenty of ward members know. Most of the time, the first reaction is that they don't judge me, but that they can't support me (and, yeah, that's frequently the exact language they use). It's clear that my "cross dressing" is regarded as a sin—but probably excusable under the circumstances. I've been told by a few people that I get altogether too much pleasure from being read as male in public (strangers frequently use he/him). Some people in my ward are aware that the LGBT community at BYU tends to use my (masculine) preferred name, and they're not terribly comfortable with that. Even though I didn't start people using that name, it's apparently not something I ought to allow. A lot of people have expressed sympathy, love, and concern, but many of those have also strongly suggested it would be sinful to do ANYTHING but wait for the Atonement (and death, presumably) to relieve me of these "temptations." So they're generally trying to be respectful and are expressing appreciation for what they feel I offer, but they tend to have a very narrow interpretation of what I'm experiencing and how I should move forward. Even though I am still living within those narrow constraints (case in point: I supplied only my given name at the party), it's still hard to feel pressured into a brutally difficult sacrifice.

[Zedability]

I'd be 100% fine with using your preferred name in future social situations, just so you know

[TheBlackSheep]

Ditto. I didn't want to make a big thing out of it then, but in the future if you'd rather use another name just let me know.

[Cognoscente]

Integrating, if you aren't familiar with the punk band Against Me!, you should check them out. Their lead singer/songwriter, Laura Jane Grace, was born Tom Gabel and struggled with gender dysphoria her whole life. She came out in 2012 as trans and put out an intensely personal record called Transgender Dysphoria Blues. One of the best albums of the year, I think. I recommend it to everyone.

[Integrating Editor]

I appreciate that, Zed and TBS. I keep using my given name by special request of my bishop and stake president. If I had more of a choice, I would definitely take you up on it. Maybe once I'm out of BYU. And, Cognoscente, I'll have to look into it.

[Portia]

I keep using my given name by special request of my bishop and stake president.

This pisses me off inordinately. I'm sorry that they feel the need to interfere.

(Especially ironic considering that straight married women's surnames are changed whether or not they want them to be, imo.)