57537 - "Not everyone's a prophet's wife?" shocker

wired · Post by **wired** » Sat May 15, 2010 8:46 am

http://theboard.byu.edu/index.php?area=viewall&id=57537

I was absolutely shocked by this question. When I began reading it, I figured it had to be a troll. As I continued reading, the letter seemed more and more real until I realized this was no joke. Now, what follows could come across as judgmental. I hope it doesn't.

A lot of my friends and I have spoken about coming from high school to BYU only to find out you are no longer the smartest kid in your class. We all laughed because we realized it was a very immature, very naive perspective we had. The thing is, we all got over after the first semester. So while I can see where this girl is coming from, I cannot, in any way, fathom why it took her until the age of 23 to realize she is not the center of the academic, social, and spiritual universe. On top of that, she seems to disdain the idea of a "normal" life. I think she might not realize a "normal life" that she is talking about is probably in the top 1% of quality of life in the world (considering finances, education, and spiritual status). Her "normal" life will be viewed as incredibly blessed in retrospect.

My question for everyone is why does this happen. What causes a person to overlook all of the outstanding things in her life and be totally un-satisfied?

"I don't know, maybe I've just been lying to myself all these years. Maybe I've spent too much time inflating myself and my capabilities in my mind. Or maybe I just like to dream big."

I am going to go with the first two.

-wired, who agreed with Cognoscente's response, but still appreciated the self-restraint everyone showed on this question

Non Denominational Mormon · Sat May 15, 2010 9:18 am

I started laughing when I read her question. It totally reminded me of Seriously, So Blessed. (http://seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com/) And I agree, I was very impressed that the writers showed restraint (although I fully enjoyed Cognoscente's initial reaction). Well, now I'm going to go back to my totally boring and unappreciated normal life. How drab.

Katya · Post by **Katya** » Sat May 15, 2010 9:39 am

Words . . . fail me. (Fortunately, they did not fail Cognoscente.)

TheAnswerIs42 · Post by **TheAnswerIs42** » Sat May 15, 2010 9:50 am

Yeah, that was a funny post. The thing is, like wired said, I think we can all relate to the underlying issue, because most of us hit that at some point. But usually not that late. And usually not all at once- I was in high school when I realized I would never be some popular, bubbly person - BYU when I realized that being the smartest in high school meant nothing in college - and the early stages of dating when I realized I would not get a GQ model (or want one, for that matter) for a husband. And right now, I am really struggling with the idea that the rest of my life will consist of cleaning the same house over and over again and never accomplishing anything of note again. But that's life. I would never think to ask a question about it, because I know that's just how things are.

I don't know, I feel sorry for her. If she has been that deluded for that long, recognizing all of that at once must be hard.

Unit of Energy · Post by **Unit of Energy** » Sat May 15, 2010 12:58 pm

Fall semester was like that for me. Well, not completely. I knew that I wasn't the greatest student, the most spiritual person around, or what not. I was perfectly satisfied with Bs in my classes. And then all my freshman friends came back from missions or left on missions or got married. I'm not planning on a mission. I've never dated anyone. And I failed the semester. As in I passed one credit and got Es on all the rest. So yeah, life isn't what I was expecting. But it's still awesome. I rather enjoy not being perfect, because then I actually get to do what I want to do. I do things for me, not because that's what everyone else expects of me.

Avocado · Post by **Avocado** » Sat May 15, 2010 3:36 pm

Also loved Cognoscente's answer.

(edited because I decided I was too mean. I'm always saying it's not okay to be mean just because you're online, then I did it. Sorry.)

Post by **C is for** » Sat May 15, 2010 3:36 pm

I'm having a realization here, guys. I still think that I can be super awesome, have an awesome husband, have stellar kids, and live an awesome life. Does this mean that I, too, have been living in a fantasy world for the past 22 years?

Tao · Post by **Tao** » Sat May 15, 2010 3:51 pm

Unit of Energy wrote:Fall semester was like that for me. Well, not completely. I knew that I wasn't the greatest student, the most spiritual person around, or what not. I was perfectly satisfied with Bs in my classes. And then all my freshman friends came back from missions or left on missions or got married. I'm not planning on a mission. I've never dated anyone. And I failed the semester. As in I passed one credit and got Es on all the rest. So yeah, life isn't what I was expecting. But it's still awesome. I rather enjoy not being perfect, because then I actually get to do what I want to do. I do things for me, not because that's what everyone else expects of me.

I think this is the first statement I've agreed with fully.

To the rest of you: I say bullocks.

While I agree that entitlement is an annoying trait and its absence would serve the querent well, it seems to me that she's over that and asking what to do now. What I've picked up from many of the responses (both here and on the Board) are every bit as asinine as the attitude she's already shed.

***Forgive me for quoting individuals, I mean no personal offense, this is how I approach discussions.***

"the rest of my life will consist of cleaning the same house over and over again and never accomplishing anything of note again."

"Well, now I'm going to go back to my totally boring and unappreciated normal life. How drab."

What grants the right hand the privilege to criticize the left for being so far from middle?

Perhaps I have misread the majority of responses to this post, but I get the impression that everyone is disdaining this woman for having too high of dreams. While I'd agree that her timing is rather skewed. Most of what she mentioned could hardly be expected nor anticipated in the early twenties. On the other hand; very little of what she listed is impossible, and while struggling with the enormity of even trying, she gets "Get over yourself" as a Board response? Um, really? Completely called for in my opinion if she was still enamored of such immediate gratification and expectancy al la Seriously So Blessed, but since her question was how to handle coming down from that false plateau we tear her down further? Physician, heal thyself.

I probably won't be a celebrity. I probably won't cure cancer. I probably won't be the prophet's wife. I probably won't ever work for Nike. I probably won't ever have the hottest husband in the ward. I probably won't ever be the most talented or the most spiritual or the best teacher or whatever. And that realization kinda sucks.

I'm sure all of the above would be out of reach. Unless you become a celebrity advertiser for Nike who intelligently donates money to cancer research. But getting a couple of them? Not so far out of reach. What would JK Rowling have thought at 23 thinking she'd never really amount to much, then being told she needs to get over herself? Or how about some other celebrities? Sure curing cancer is a long-shot goal, but curing an individual of cancer wouldn't be out of reach for someone who made that their passion. Prophet's wife? Not sure why anyone would want that responsibility; perhaps serving as a bishop's wife, or even an active elders quorum president's wife would help assuage that particular desire. As for working for Nike, Google, Pixar, Apple, all the places with fun offices and on-site massage? Right out of college, no, your odds are slim there. But if that's your goal, it wouldn't be impossible in a couple years of hard work. In fact, that's what I'm looking at a couple years down the line, and it wasn't something I'd ever set my sights on. 'Hottest' is a very subjective term, and I would think that the person you are wed to would be the hottest person in the world (world, not just ward) to you. Sure, there will be mornings you'll wake up and wonder "what have I gotten myself into?" but that would happen even if you'd landed People's Most Eligible Bachelorâ„¢Â©Â®. And sadly if your wards end up anything like mine, if you actually enjoy teaching, and truly live up to the calling to concern yourself with the spiritual welfare of those in your stewardship, doing more than just reading out of the cookie cutter lessons, you'd stand a very good chance of being the best teacher some will see for a long time.

Other than the one none of those goals are so far out of reach to be impossible (Prophet's wife being contingent upon living worthily to be set apart in a calling received long ago). Some patience and a lot of hard work would be necessary to see it through, but in time, any are possible and some should even be expected.

While being possessed of vainglory or pride is a deadly sin, having them in your past isn't. And acedia or despair is just as 'deadly', you cannot cure the one with the other.

*Edit:

C is for wrote:I'm having a realization here, guys. I still think that I can be super awesome, have an awesome husband, have stellar kids, and live an awesome life. Does this mean that I, too, have been living in a fantasy world for the past 22 years?

I would think not, as long as you remain grounded. I'd call this healthy. And it'd probably serve you and those around you better to have too much hope than not enough.

Tao · Post by **Tao** » Sat May 15, 2010 4:05 pm

Avocado wrote:Also loved Cognoscente's answer.

Please, Idiot Girl, do not marry that poor man. One of the best reasons to marry someone is that you want to be married to them; one of the best reasons to NOT marry someone is that you DON'T want to be married to them. I'm grateful for shallow morons who were so absorbed with themselves and superfluous details that they passed up my husband before I met him - all the better for me. This guy's not what you want? Awesome. I'm sure someone else will take him while you're busy with your wild goose chase for Superprophetmanwhowantstomarryastuckupobliviousbozo. And good luck with that.

Wow, did we even read the same post? I guess I must be missing something, if the collected readers and writers feel that this poor girl is the scum of the earth. Perhaps I, too, prefer fantasy to such a damning reality.

wired · Post by **wired** » Sat May 15, 2010 4:16 pm

In response to Tao:

I agree, we are all probably being a bit harsh on her. The aspect of this question that I think strikes so many nerves is WHAT this girl considers to be a "normal" life and the obvious disappointment it is causing her. The very fact that she finds "a normal life" something with which she needs to cope seems to smack of ingratitude and lack of perspective. I do not think you can adequately answer her question without saying, "You shouldn't even ask this question."

As has been adequately commented on, it is also quite unfair of her to harbor such negative feelings about her status and HER FIANCE'S STATUS while simultaneously jumping into a marriage with him. The tone of the letter does not make it seem like she has had a heart to heart with her fiance about the fact that she is figuring out how to deal with the fact that he is not everything she ever dreamed he would be.

I also agree with Tao's response to C, but I think that feeling like your life is amazing does not come in working for Google, singing well, or being "the best" at anything. It comes at trying your hardest to be the best you can be. Our happiness should never be measured by horizontal evaluation, only vertical. The reader here essentially asks, "How do I deal with being 2nd place when I really wanted to be 1st?" That question alone indicates to me (albeit judgmentally) that she is completely concerned about how she does compared to other people.

Damasta · Post by **Damasta** » Sat May 15, 2010 4:33 pm

Tao wrote:To the rest of you: I say bullocks.

I think you mean "bollocks". Bullocks are young bulls (e.g. see Numbers 29).

I, also, don't think this young woman is despicable. I didn't even get out of her question that she was disappointed in her husband--only that she'd realized that reality wasn't matching up with the impossible ideals she'd imagined up many years ago. I could be wrong, though.

However, I see a lot of hope for this woman. She has realized that the ideal is impossible in this Fallen world. No matter how hard she tries, things usually won't work out perfectly for her. Many of her hopes and dreams must fall by the wayside. But this is only the first step. The second step is to accept that the only way she can, eventually, achieve perfection is through Jesus Christ. Then things like being "super-smart, super-famous, and super-cool", working at Nike or Google, or marrying a demi-god (whose feet even Nietzsche wouldn't dare kiss), cease to matter to her and are replaced by the only thing that does matter: becoming like Christ. So, with that in mind I have to say that Marzipan's and The Black Sheep's responses were spot-on. There are thousands of ways to fail at finding meaning in your life, but there's only one way to succeed: through the restored Gospel.

Non Denominational Mormon · Sat May 15, 2010 5:30 pm

To Tao:

For the record, my comment about my "drab" life was completely sarcastic. I phrased it that way because based on the criteria for a good life supplied by the reader (celebrity status, super cool, brilliant, etc.) I should be completely miserable, and I'm not. Life couldn't be better. So, I was sarcastic.

NDM

Avocado · Post by **Avocado** » Sat May 15, 2010 7:11 pm

And now, Tao, YOU are making snap judgments. The "damning reality" is that it is dumb to marry someone you're not excited about marrying, and enter into a life you find disappointing? That it's selfish to accept someone's offer of lifelong commitment to you when your heart is elsewhere? What fantasy would you prefer?

To her credit, this girl recognizes that she needs to change her heart. But I would sure not want to get married to someone while they felt that way about me and our future together.

TheAnswerIs42 · Post by **TheAnswerIs42** » Sat May 15, 2010 9:05 pm

Non Denominational might have been sarcastic, but I wasn't. I will fully admit that it is something I have struggled with lately, and that is why I can relate to this girl on that level. I. Hate. Cleaning. Some people just love a clean house, and many of my friends are OCD about not sleeping if there are dirty dishes or messes all around or something. But toddlers have taught me that I can't just maintain things every week or two anymore - if I don't spend time every single day cleaning, the house gets so bad that I can't go on a date with my husband because I don't want a babysitter to see the house. (True story.)

But you know what? That is my life. Complaining about it isn't going to change it. My husband and I were both raised that the wife does the cleaning because she is home all day to do it. In fact, my mother in law taught her children that mothers always clean after her kids because their job is going to school, and her job is to pick up after them. My husband literally does not know how to clean. And I have learned to be okay with that. He helps me when I need it, he does a fabulous job fixing up the house and providing for our family and loving me and my children, and I will teach my kids how to clean up after themselves. Once I learned to just get over it, my live is fantastic.

Maybe it the second part of my statement that bugs you? I am not going to accomplish anything of note. I'm going to raise two kids the best I can. I hope to go back to math teaching when the kids are older, because I truly loved that and felt like I made a difference there. But all those times that my parents put me in GT/Honors/AP classes and told me that I was going to be "amazing" because I was the only nerd in the family? My life was better when I got over that fantasy and realized that I can make a wonderful life doing what I love- teaching high school math for a puny salary. Not to mention realizing that the best thing I can do is at home, not in the career like my parents wanted.

Whistler · Post by **Whistler** » Sat May 15, 2010 10:12 pm

I have an opinion on this! Personally, getting rejected from PhD programs and then going to a Master's program in a different field from my Bachelor's has made me feel at times stupid or discouraged. Another problem is that I don't really love what I'm doing right now (I like it, just don't want to do it for the rest of my life). But it took a while for me to figure this out. I think a period of disillusionment is common and in some cases, necessary for creative change.

I think it's possible to reach one's goals, even silly ones like working for Google. Heck, I saw a non-programming position I qualified for on their hiring site once (I wasn't living in the area, so I didn't apply). I guess my point is: disillusionment is helpful sometimes, but it's okay to have a few ideals. If we don't have any dreams, what will we work towards? Anyway, I might just be agreeing with Tao because we're friends, or it might be because I've experienced a lot of "shattered" dreams and am trying to capture the eagerness and excitement I once had.

bismark · Post by **bismark** » Sat May 15, 2010 11:44 pm

My wife is a total babe and I am starting a job on Monday at a place with free lunches in downtown San Francisco (gonna have to check on the massages though..). So see? You all just need to try to be more like me!

Wisteria · Post by **Wisteria** » Sun May 16, 2010 11:40 am

The problem I see here is the definition of "amazing" or "doing things of note" that seems to be what everyone is operating from. Why on earth is raising two children to be honest, moral, intelligent, Christlike members of society not an amazing thing to do? Every single person has a specific contribution that they alone get to make in this world and just because one person ends up with ten talents and one person ends up with four, the answer from the Savior is still the same. So why should my answer to myself be any different? Comparisons between myself and the people around me are sometimes so deep that I don't realize that they're there for a long time. Expectations can also be dangerous things. As long as I'm learning from my life's experience, it doesn't matter quite so much what that experience is.
Tao, I'm mostly with you. What this girl described is not an uncommon thing at all among the "millennial generation." To me, it's wonderful that so many young people are taught that they are amazing and that they can do anything. The part that I find very sad is that the emphasis is put on exterior amazingness and being the "best." I'll be frank- I am amazing. But I'm amazing because I am a daughter of God, and I can do anything that He asks me to- it all comes from the inside and ripples out. If I go at it any other way, it stops working pretty fast.

Dragon Lady · Post by **Dragon Lady** » Sun May 16, 2010 8:03 pm

Really? Every single one of you that are upset with this girl because she had hoped to marry a CEO, then the guy she fell in love with doesn't want to be a CEO, can you honestly say that the person you married is every single thing you ever wanted? Can you honestly say that there isn't something that you had really, really hoped for that simply isn't there in your spouse? I sure can't. I love Yellow. A lot. A whole heck of a lot. But he isn't the perfect guy I dreamt up for myself. He isn't my "dream guy". Know why? Because my "dream guy" doesn't exist. No one is that perfect. I always knew that would be the case, that there would be something I'd have to give up in exchange for a whole lot more. But that sure didn't make giving stuff up any easier. We talked about it a lot while we were dating. [shrug] I don't think that admitting that your fiance isn't perfect and exactly what you had hoped for is a bad thing.

Yellow fits the majority of what I wanted. Honestly, he got the most important things without even trying. Everything with eternal significance he clears with flying colors. 98% of the worldly things he excels at. But there is one thing that I had assumed I would have. One thing that I never even imagined dating a guy without. And that one thing is simply not part of who he is. And by the time I realized that, I was already in love. So I did a lot of soul searching and praying and realized that I loved him enough to give up this one thing that was important to me. I was willing to sacrifice for the man I loved and wanted to be with for eternity. Yes, sometimes it's still hard. But do I ever regret my decision? Not for a second. I don't believe there is a person out there better suited for me than Yellow.

So go ahead, tell me I'm shallow and horrible because I married a person that didn't live up to something I had really hoped for. Apparently Yellow got a raw deal. Sorry, hon. Hope you'll forgive me.

Post by **Marduk** » Sun May 16, 2010 8:31 pm

I have tried to avoid chipping in on this thread, because I wasn't quite sure how to say what I wanted to say without sounding condescending. I still haven't figured that out, so I'm just going to say what I have to say, and let you all judge me as you will.

I don't identify with the girl in this thread. For me personally, my greatest hope and dream is to have a wife and kids that love me, and want to do good. If I can manage that, I don't care if we are rich or poor, what I do for a living, what kind of house I live in, if my wife is gorgeous in the eyes of the world (she will definitely be beautiful to me, because I will love her. And yes, I know how corny that sounds, but it is still the truth.) or any of the other things that people have as goals.

If I can have this, the only thing I hope for is to be a little better tomorrow than I was yesterday. I guess that's the advice I would give. Since everything else fades away, the only thing we can truly be happy doing is loving those around us and trying to be a little better each day. I know how condescending and trite this post must sound, but these are my honest opinions.

Post by **Marduk** » Sun May 16, 2010 8:36 pm

TheAnswerIs42 wrote: In fact, my mother in law taught her children that mothers always clean after her kids because their job is going to school, and her job is to pick up after them. My husband literally does not know how to clean.

Also, this is just awful. I hope that these sort of attitudes are dissappearing. I remember having cleaning assignments in my house as young as three. I love to cook, and so I have learned to tolerate cleaning as well. I fully expect to get married, go to work 50+ hours a week (because it seems like 40 hour work weeks have gone the way of the evening newspaper), come home dog-tired, and spend my evenings looking after kids/cleaning/working in the yard. That is how my dad spent his working life, and I hope one day to do as well as him.