yellow m&m wrote:TheAnswerIs42 wrote:Dead Cat's example is mostly what I meant by my statement. Engaged means planning to get married. If you are planning to get married, call it engaged. Get over whatever problems you have with the name, call it what it is, and act accordingly. I knew people who were planning the wedding, but told me they weren't "engaged" because they hadn't found the right ring yet so he hadn't done an "official" proposal. If you have both agreed to be married some day in the future, calling that situation something else isn't going to change what it is.
I agree with kresbscout in that calling it something different does change how you view it. Hence, if you are planning to get married, you should be in the "engaged" mindset and not pretending to yourself that you are still "dating". That reminds me of a mother treating her teenager like he is 4 years old. You relationship has grown up, and you should treat it that way, not pretend it is something it isn't just to satisfy other people.
Well then, I guess I was engaged when snay broke up with me. sigh.
Aye, this brings up a good counterpoint. One reason to argue for an 'engagement only after the ring' mindset is the outward declaration that an engagement ring has come to mean. Without that explicit declaration, and going off of the thought that engagement is simply planning on getting married, many couples could well be considered engaged before they ever contrive to get out on a date. Using this definition, my own list of engagements would only fall short of the number of dates I've been on by a very small number.
When considering wedding & engagement rings, I had been under the assumption that the wedding ring was the big one, with the engagement ring being more of a glorified promise ring. I was then informed that an engagement ring was (supposedly) at one time a form of insurance against the woman's virginity. As it was presumed that the assurance of marriage that is an engagement would increase the likelihood of pre-marital coupling, the expensive ring was to stand collateral if the engagement were to be called off after the woman's virginity was lost.
Whether or not the explanation is true, it does establish the same mentality as the querent's father: engagements increase likelihood of 'physical trouble'.
I'm not sure how I would respond to the querent. I think my advice would lean away from Sky Bones' as I can perhaps too readily see myself as the boy in question (my life plans once mirrored his situation closely). A soldier serving in a military academy cannot get married and indeed, I'm not sure how much time one would have to build a solid relationship under those conditions.
Building a rough timeline shows my thoughts. Age 17 boy and girl meet presumably he is a senior in HS, having already applied and been accepted into a military academy. They require you complete your second year prior to serving a mission, so say his plebe summer is immediately after graduation, and he jumps in. That plebe year is as full-time as a mission, you have no leave permitted under normal cirumstances. Second year would see a break for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and perhaps a week before shipping out for summer dutys if I recall correctly. That'd put him at 19-20 when his second year ends, bringing him to the mission. 21-22 upon coming home from a full-term mission, with 2 more years until graduation and the earliest option for marriage being age 23-24.
So, total time with girl: HS senior year + perhaps upwards of 4 weeks prior to the mission. I don't believe much time is allotted between missions and returning to class, call it generous and give the boy a month. He is now starting his third year of class, with more leave time, but only on the order of a week or two more per year. So. In the ~5 years these two have been acquainted, I would guess they've been in each others' presence no more than 10 weeks max since high school graduation. Perhaps another month post-mish, and now they (or at least she) is planning a wedding in 2 years.
Understanding a bit more about their situation still doesn't grant enough info to come to a solid conclusion, other than it'd take a very good couple to make it work. A marriage after 6 years of long distance relationship-ping, tempered by visits measured in the single digit weeks-per-year at most requires utmost honesty and superior communication skills. Not knowing either party involved, I'd defer to someone who does, and say following parent's advice would be... advisable.
