Opting out of visiting teaching?

[NerdGirl]

Okay, I need help. This is going to be pretty stream of consciousness probably because I need to go to bed soon. But basically, I really haven't been able to do my visiting teaching or even have my visiting teachers come (except one time) since I started med school. Let me tell you about what my life looks like right now for a minute. I go to school at 8 every weekday morning and get back between sometime between 6 and 11 at night, depending on the day. Frequently I'm there on Saturdays too. I don't have a car (and I am starting to accept the fact that I may never be able to actually drive because of problems with my vision), so that means that when I do actually have time to run errands like going to the grocery store it takes an entire evening or half a Saturday because I have to take the bus. I have to keep my household running, which takes time even thought I live alone - I still have to do laundry, I have to keep stuff clean, and I have to cook. I can't buy food at school because I can't risk stuff being contaminated with gluten and getting sick from it, so I have to make lunch at home. I do eat at restaurants on weekends occasionally if I'm going out, but only at safe places and only when I don't have to be somewhere the next day in case I end up in emerg with a GI bleed (which happened once). Cooking actually takes a fair chunk of time because my only options are to make stuff from scratch or to eat pre-packaged gluten free stuff, but I can't do the processed stuff anymore because I was 115 pounds overweight doing that (and I've lost 15 pounds since I started weight watchers 6 weeks ago and quit eating that stuff, so I'm not about to go back to eating that junk, especially if I have to start using massive amounts of prednisone for my uveitis again). I have several chronic health conditions in addition to celiac disease and I need to fit various specialist appointments into my schedule (sometimes quite frequently if I have a bad flare up of my uveitis or something like that). And I can't sacrifice sleep for any of this because I'm anemic and my thyroid doesn't work and I fall asleep in class as it is (I'm actually starting to suspect that I might have narcolepsy, but I haven't mentioned that to my family doctor yet because I'm a bit terrified of the implications of that). And I'm not trying to have a pity party here, this is just a list of what I do with my time. I actually have very low stress levels most of the time because I'm very proactive about managing all of this stuff. So basically I feel like I'm keeping on top of this delicate balance of stuff, but it requires the ability to say no to things fairly frequently. The only major problem I have is with visiting teaching.

Basically, I can't fit it in because it depends on other people's schedules. I'm not in a YSA ward, and my visiting teachers are two older ladies who came once on a Saturday but said that they don't want to do that again and can't seem to understand that I can't ever take a weekday morning off for them to come. They really, really don't get it and they get upset and act like I'm being difficult. A couple of months ago they called and left a message on a Thursday night saying they were coming the next morning at 10, and I didn't even get their message until after midnight, so I couldn't exactly call them back, but I had a mandatory thing the next morning that started really early. And they don't do email. So they came, I wasn't there, and they were mad. I also can't seem to manage to schedule my own visiting teaching because my companion has a 6 month old baby and she's pretty much in for the night by the time I get home on weeknights, and the people we're supposed to visit can't do weekends. It's just not working and I don't have a solution. It's not fair to the people I'm supposed to visit, and I can't deal with the guilt trips from my own visiting teachers. So I'm thinking about telling the RS president that I can't do it anymore.

My mom opted out of visiting teaching about 15 years ago for similar reasons, and I just talked to her about it, and she said she just talked to the RS president and the bishop and they were fine and no one has pressured her about it since then. But I'm worried, because this is a different ward, and people don't know me well at all, and people in the church are already suspicious of you when you're an older, single, career woman, and I don't want people deciding I'm "an apostate" or making me into their project (if they knew me well, neither of those things would happen, but I've only been here for 8 months and I never go to non Sunday activities because I can't, so they don't really know much about me except what they've seen when I teach RS). So I am not sure what to do. Does anyone have any thoughts/advice, or does anyone have any experiences with opting out of visiting teaching?

[NerdGirl]

Also, I don't really want to tell the RS president or the bishop all of that stuff I just laid out in the opening post because I just think it makes me sound like a complete basket case and having other people worry about me really stresses me out. I have lots of social support from my family (who are only three hours away now instead of on the other side of the country) and my close friends, and I don't like people that I don't know super well being involved in all of my personal medical drama because they start expecting frequent updates and assuming something horrible happened if they don't hear from me in a while!

[Whistler]

Yes, I think you should talk to your RS president or VT supervisor person. You don't need to explain everything you've explained to us; you could just say that you're in an exceptionally busy time of your life right now, and you feel bad that your visiting teachers and companions having schedules that conflict with yours.

I think ideally they would find a visiting teacher for you who could like, e-mail or text you or something... sometimes I just think it's nice to have someone you can count on to be friendly to you. Unfortunately it sounds like your visiting teachers don't really understand your situation. :-/ I guess reading through your post, it sounds like it would be nice to have a friend in the ward, but I feel sad that instead of being something nice it's become a huge stressor for everyone. We, at least, can be internet friends. Is this even making sense? It's past my bedtime.

[Fredjikrang]

I still think that you should talk to your bishop. You obviously don't have to go into detail, but just explain that you can't find a way to fit the visits in right now. I'm sure he'll understand.

Also, it honestly seems like you need the help of someone, and so it might not be a bad idea to talk to your VT and/or HT to see if they can help you out. It could be that, assuming that your VT are good people, they feel kind of helpless in that they can't figure out a way to help you. So, you could mention to them that you could use some help. Could be with cleaning the house, cooking, laundry, whatever. I think that this is a good opportunity for you to really get to know the people that are there to help you, and give them an opportunity to serve. I know that I, as a HTer, would love it if one of the people that I home teach asked me for help.

Anyway, those are just my thoughts. Take them as you will.

[Katya]

My mom opted out of visiting teaching about 15 years ago for similar reasons, and I just talked to her about it, and she said she just talked to the RS president and the bishop and they were fine and no one has pressured her about it since then. But I'm worried, because this is a different ward, and people don't know me well at all, and people in the church are already suspicious of you when you're an older, single, career woman, and I don't want people deciding I'm "an apostate" or making me into their project (if they knew me well, neither of those things would happen, but I've only been here for 8 months and I never go to non Sunday activities because I can't, so they don't really know much about me except what they've seen when I teach RS). So I am not sure what to do. Does anyone have any thoughts/advice, or does anyone have any experiences with opting out of visiting teaching?

It's possible that the average ward member is more suspicious of an older, single career woman, but I actually suspect that your RS President and Bishop would be less suspicious and more invested in trying to work with you, simply because they're working on the "front lines" of trying to keep people active, and you lose a lot of your preconceptions when you're actually in the trenches dealing with real problems.

I would just tell them that you're incredibly busy and that you either need visiting teachers who can work around your schedule or you need to have VTs who write you letters or email you instead of coming in person. (Letter-writing VT routes are absolutely possible, by the way, although I don't know if email routes exist. And above all, what you don't need are VTs who make appointments when they know you're busy and chew you out for not being there. This is what happens when VTs think perfect stats are more important than people.)

[Dragon Lady]

A lady in my last ward requested that her VTers text her and promised to tell them if something was wrong (and then followed through). She also asks her VTees how they prefer to be visited. In person? Email? Text? And she's sure to talk to VTers and VTees alike at church and is on friendly terms with all. It's definitely possible.

Perhaps you could request VTers that would take you grocery shopping once a month on Saturdays with them. You could visit in the car and then you don't have to take the bus.

[TheAnswerIs42]

I feel bad that you are nervous people will think less of you - especially feeling judged as "an older, single, career woman". Obviously the church is filled with humans, and sometimes people who judge others when they shouldn't, but there should be no problem with you explaining this to your RS president. I did that once before, and it was a huge weight off my shoulders. In my case, it was just a stressful time, and my companion was a "if you set it up and do the lesson and call me a couple of times to remind me, I'll go" sort of girl. I told the RS president that I just wasn't up to being "Senior Companion" right then, and they were more than happy to find a situation that would work for me. I know many other people that have asked for some adjustments - taken off entirely, only had one person, teamed up with other "weekend" people, etc. The goal is to make everyone benefit from the VT program. Not make perfect numbers, not force everyone to make huge sacrifices - to help everyone look out for their fellow sisters. I'm sure there are other people who work and would be happy to see you on the weekends.

And DL has a great idea. I know I would be happy to do the grocery trip if I was your VT. Service, a VT visit, and someone to chat with at the grocery store, all in one!

As everyone said, you don't have to go into all that detail, and you don't have to defend yourself. Just say that you like the VT program but you just have a full schedule right now, and IF you were to be visit taught or go visiting teaching, you could only make appointments on weekends. If they say that there isn't anyone else in the "weekend only" camp, just say that you have a good family support system, so it is okay if you are off the grid for a little while.

[Katya]

Perhaps you could request VTers that would take you grocery shopping once a month on Saturdays with them. You could visit in the car and then you don't have to take the bus.

Oh, that is all kinds of brilliant. (Especially since it gives your VTs something they can actually do for you, which is something good VTs always want.)

[Fredjikrang]

Agreed on that one!

[Craig Jessop]

I think you're perfectly justified in opting out of Visiting Teaching. However, this post at By Common Consent was life changing for me -- my ward this year has gone so much better than my ward last year because of it. Make sure you use velvet gloves!

http://bycommonconsent.com/2011/08/02/h ... at-church/

[C is for]

I think you're perfectly justified in opting out of Visiting Teaching. However, this post at By Common Consent was life changing for me -- my ward this year has gone so much better than my ward last year because of it. Make sure you use velvet gloves!

http://bycommonconsent.com/2011/08/02/h ... at-church/

I haven't made it through the first few sentences of that article yet and I'm already reminded of the kid that wore a kilt to sacrament meeting last week. I was completely appalled.

[C is for]

As far as being on topic goes, your ward might have a different policy, but the general policy is that phone calls and notes count -- even text notes or email notes. Your RSP shouldn't have a problem with that.

I dunno.

[Katya]

As far as being on topic goes, your ward might have a different policy, but the general policy is that phone calls and notes count -- even text notes or email notes. Your RSP shouldn't have a problem with that.

Oh, I agree. I was thinking more in terms of generational comfort levels—if she gets new VTs who are the same age as her old ones, they might not be big on texting or emails.

[Dragon Lady]

As far as being on topic goes, your ward might have a different policy, but the general policy is that phone calls and notes count -- even text notes or email notes. Your RSP shouldn't have a problem with that.

Oh, I agree. I was thinking more in terms of generational comfort levels—if she gets new VTs who are the same age as her old ones, they might not be big on texting or emails.

But they might be ok with notes or phone calls.

[NerdGirl]

Wow, you guys are awesome (which I already knew!). Thanks! That BCC post was awesome. You guys have lots of good ideas. I think I am going to talk to my RS pres and/or bishop tomorrow (depending on who's there). I'll let you know how it goes. I agree that it would be nice to have some kind of friend in the ward, and I kind of do, there's a guy in my class and his wife that I get rides to church with, but this VT arrangement is just not working and I'm feeling okay now about actually telling the people the charge that.

[Portia]

My bishop asked me if he could send visiting teachers over, and I politely (I hope!) declined. I appreciated him at least asking first. Visiting teachers were made for the woman, and not the woman for the visiting teachers. If you don't want near-strangers giving you a monthly visit, I don't think you should guilt-trip yourself for opting out; if you enjoy the companionship & carbs (I love me some carbs myself, but I have severe pet allergies, so visits to friends or family with dogs is always an ordeal!), then opt in.