inquiries after mother's health

[Portia]

I feel rather out of civil but true answers to the eternal question, "how is your mom doing?" I've graduated from blurting out "bad!" to "as well as can be expected, thank you." Of COURSE everyone is just "trying to be nice," but honestly, there is no sugarcoating this (and my mom would least of all): the picture is bleak. I sometimes wish that my closest friends cared more, at least in terms of wanting to have heart-to-heart discussions, and sometimes, I am quite happy to discuss anything but the elephant in the room.

Also another thing I am sad (maybe even angry) about is that in a get-together with some of our closest family friends, my mom got very choked up and talked about how the Experience has been "the best thing that has ever happened to her" when all I can think is "!?! No! This entire Thing is an unmitigated disaster!"

Expecting me to make lemons out of lemonade is too tall an order right now. Although I fully intend to keep my lips zipped tight, but I refuse to maintain the faintest glimmer of hope. Because I'm an idealist, because I am so very optimistic and ill-adjusted to reality and its crapshootiness, I just . . . I can't pretend I'm happy, or that everything is okay, and fall into a deep dark hole of despair later.

Do I have to? Do I have to somehow convince myself that among the worst things to ever happen to me is somehow GOOD? Much less lie to my parents' contemporaries?

[Digit]

Some things in life are bad,
they can really make you mad,
other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
don't grumble, give a whistle!
and this'll help things turn out for the best, hey!
Always look on the bright side of life

[Fredjikrang]

I'm sorry that you feel that way, and I know how it is to not have someone to talk to about important things in our lives. I hope that you can find someone soon!

There was something that stuck out to me though.
This:

Also another thing I am sad (maybe even angry) about is that in a get-together with some of our closest family friends, my mom got very choked up and talked about how the Experience has been "the best thing that has ever happened to her" when all I can think is "!?! No! This entire Thing is an unmitigated disaster!"

Have you talked to your mother about why she feels that way?

It seems to me that you are looking for someone to share your burden, but it almost seems like your mother might be your best option right now. It seems obvious that you both have very different viewpoints on the current situation, and I think that it would probably help you, and probably her, if you two could sit down and talk for a while. Just mention what you quoted there and ask here why she feels that way, and then just talk honestly and from the heart with her.

[C is for]

Expecting me to make lemons out of lemonade is too tall an order right now.

I can see why you feel that way. I mean, unless someone kept the rinds when they made the lemonade it's not a fair thing to ask you to do. And what if they strained the pulp?!?

[Portia]

Expecting me to make lemons out of lemonade is too tall an order right now.

I can see why you feel that way. I mean, unless someone kept the rinds when they made the lemonade it's not a fair thing to ask you to do. And what if they strained the pulp?!?

Hardeehar. I guess I had a #desserttortoise moment

[Marduk]

Portia, please forgive the lateness of this reply. I was trying to gather my thoughts together, in a way that you could understand where I am coming from, and feel my empathy with you as well.

First off, I absolutely understand where you are coming from. My dad has had health problem after health problem in the past few years. I won't go into detail here (mostly for his sake) but I'll summarize with a scripture he has often quoted about this circumstance "surely your turning of things upside down shall be esteemed as potter's clay."

I understand not knowing what the hell to say when people ask about him. I understand the need for talking about it. I understand feeling like it is the last thing in the world I want to talk about. I understand not wanting to see any good in it. In short, I think that you and I have probably experienced much the same gamut of emotions that come from a situation like this. It seems like these are more recent issues in your case; correct me if I'm wrong, but a lot of these issues are still very new to you, it seems. For me, I've had years to mull over and modify my responses, to people who ask, to my friends, and to myself.

First, let me make this caveat clear: this is your mother's health issue, not yours. What I mean is, she has the right to decide how much is divulged and to whom. You say she wouldn't sugar coat it? Well, don't you go doing that either. Ask her who should be told what. I would often (and it still comes up, though less frequently) go to my dad and say "so and so asked about you." He would ask what they said, and afterwards, say something like "that's good. You can be honest with (so and so.)" Meaning, with certain people he was alright with a more direct and specific response. With others, something along the lines of "he has good days and bad" suffices, or your "as well as can be expected."

Second, finding the good in bad situations actually helps us take terrible things that happen a little easier. I think if you're being honest with yourself, you can see good things that have been the result of it. I can't say for your situation, but I know in my circumstance, this has helped draw family members closer together, and has helped him forge deeper bonds with each of his children. I've seen my father transition from a gruff and taciturn man with little use for emotion to a caring and warm-hearted individual in my lifetime, and these experiences have expedited that. I don't like to see him suffer like this; it breaks my heart. But I'd be lying if I said that this is the worst situation I can imagine. Difficulty can breed growth, and that's something that I've had to recognize has happened.

I think there is an opportunity to strengthen ties with your mother here, regardless of how strong or weak they may be right now. This can be an opportunity to exercise empathy towards her. What does she hate most about these terrible things that have happened? How has it helped her see things differently? What lessons has she learned from it? In my situation, my father, like me, values his intellectual capacity. Part of his illnesses have hindered his memory and mental endurance and prowess. I think this, for him, has been much harder than any physical limitations. Knowing this helps me to interact with him in ways that we both can value more.

Lastly, I just want to let you know that I care about this situation. That may sound odd coming from someone you've never met, but I empathize with you. If you ever need someone to talk with, or yell at, or cry to, or whatever you want, I am more than willing to be that person. I'm only one valley away.

[Portia]

Thanks everyone for the kind thoughts. Our closest, oldest family friends visited from Colorado, which was wonderfully meaningful: but also bittersweet I, suppose. It's hard to feel like people want to get their last goodbyes in, but . . . I can't begrudge that, either.