Me, Myself, and I

[mic0]

This question is about liking yourself, and Divya takes the question to a different level, asserting that "liking/loving yourself" is a moot point because to like or love two people must be involved and "you" are an individual. I don't know how to phrase my thoughts, but maybe one of you psychology-leaning folks will understand. I definitely feel like two people - the one who thinks and the one who feels (and maybe even the one who feels physical things as opposed to mental ones). I have needs that conflict, and opinions that conflict, and at times I hate myself as if I were watching myself from afar. Other times, especially when I literally see a picture or video of myself, I think I'm alright. This duality makes me believe (1) humans are complex, and (2) you can have a relationship with "yourself." Further, that "you" and "your self" are not always the same.

Does this make sense? Is there any notion in the psychology literature that might talk more about this? I'm sure I'm not the first one who has felt this way. Anyway, as for the actual Board question and answer... Divya's answer is certainly one fine way to look at the problem. Once I started behaving authentically and trying to do things to make myself happy instead of others (e.g., the easiest one to demonstrate would be no longer going to church), I did feel much more content. Not necessarily "happier" (a controversial word, apparently!), but more content. Interestingly, Divya does use the idea of "part of yourself" that says mean things at the end of her answer.

Sorry for the rambliness! Would love to hear your thoughts.

[Owlet]

I like the rambliness! That's really interesting. Yeah, I find myself thinking a lot like you described--having opinions that conflict, sometimes hating myself inside of my thoughts, but when I look at myself in videos or even in the mirror I seem perfectly likable--but I also like Divya's philosophy because life would be so much simpler if I just didn't think about whether I liked myself. But "being yourself" has always been a difficult phrase for me, because...well, which self is myself? Anyway, there's my rambliness.

At any rate, I LOVED this quote: "You deserve the chance to make mistakes, and to correct them; to navigate the sometimes confusing and treacherous waters of relationships; to make up your mind and then change your mind again." I have a hard time making decisions, especially with relationships (apparently), so it's nice to hear that it's kind of normal to be confused and to make mistakes.

[mic0]

Haha, glad you liked it! I like your rambliness, too. So fun.

But "being yourself" has always been a difficult phrase for me, because...well, which self is myself?

Exactly! At what point is some aspect of your personality your "true" self or not?

That is a good quote, definitely, thanks for pointing it out.

[Portia]

This reminded me of the philosophical idea of dualism.

I wonder if fragmentation of the Self will become increasingly prominent as social media and an ever-more connected web rise to the forefront of society. I am not denying the ability of past generations to examine their selfhood; rather, the near-ubiquitous necessity of presenting a Self to the world at large. I find that I spend a lot of time curating my image (to be wittier, more fashionable, and more urbane than the real Self feels), and I don't even consider myself a heavy user of media.

One thing that I used to experience a lot as a teenager was a type of dissociation, the uncanny feeling that I was observing myself from some neutral, third-party perspective. It was always really disturbing. That doesn't happen anymore.

[vorpal blade]

In a recent car trip I listened to the movie version of "An Ideal Husband," based on the play by Oscar Wilde. The question of loving yourself reminds me of the line "To love yourself is the beginning of a life long romance." That quote always makes me smile.

The greatest commandment is to love God. The second greatest commandment is "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself." That would seem to indicate that it is not only possible to love yourself, but love of self is the ideal of how much we should love others. Perhaps some of the confusion surrounding this subject has to do with our understanding of the meaning of love.

On one of the other points brought up I do not find it difficult to analyze myself, or think of myself from a detached point of view. And feeling like I am watching myself in a movie instead of actually living the part is not an uncommon experience. It is typically easier to do challenging and stressful things if you are somewhat dissociated from yourself.

[thatonemom]

This made me think of a quote I've seen going around tumblr, credited to Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. from “The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog”. Apparently it's a book. I haven't read it so I can't verify the quote. Anywho, it goes,

"For years mental health professionals taught people that they could be psychologically healthy without social support, that 'unless you love yourself, no one else will love you.'…The truth is, you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love cannot be built in isolation."

I think it's an interesting idea. So my vote is for the questioner to spend more time around people who love and build up werf. You really can't have too many supportive, loving people in your life.