"Belonging" and "Fitting in"

[mic0]

Dear less than 100 hour board,

Do you feel like you fit in/belong/are a comfortable member of a group? What group? Did you always feel that way? If not, what changed (either in your own perspective or in the group)?

Sincerely,

Just joined a new group

[Whistler]

I think when I identify too much with Mormon feminists, sometimes I try to disassociate myself with "normal" Mormons, perhaps to a fault.

[bobtheenchantedone]

One of my quests in life (at times both conscious and unconscious) has been to belong to a group. As such, when joining a new group I tend to try too hard to fit in with them perfectly in an effort to truly "belong." So far I have not yet found a group that I really feel at home in, but that probably has more to do with my depression than the groups.

I have also experienced what Whistler said.

[Whistler]

I remember feeling like I really fit in with the other 100 Hour Board writers, and that I really liked that feeling. I feel like I fit in pretty well here too.

[Portia]

No.
None.
To some degree, but not as acutely.
That is an excellent question and one I am reluctant to examine in-depth.

It's a good question. But a tough one.

[mic0]

I think when I identify too much with Mormon feminists, sometimes I try to disassociate myself with "normal" Mormons, perhaps to a fault.

That definitely resonates with me and was something I struggled with during my faith crisis.

So far I have not yet found a group that I really feel at home in, but that probably has more to do with my depression than the groups.

I also agree with this. After going to this group today I really had a strong voice telling me "you didn't belong there, what were you doing," and I'm sure the voice and feeling were there before but I'm just now realizing that is a part of depression. So, definitely something to keep in mind.

Whistler, I feel good about the Board and theboardboard. Is part of it that we have all been chatting so long now in a weirdly open way? (At least for me, I'm much more open on this forum than anywhere else besides with my husband probably. And I hear many more opinions in a kind manner which facilitates learning about each other and perspectives well.) The only other group recently that I felt a part of was my linguistics group in grad school, but we had strong, forced, shared experiences. (Reminds me of this conversation everyone had recently.)

It's a good question. But a tough one.

That's why I asked! I have never really felt like I belonged in a group before (maybe when I was quite young, who can remember). It's like the old saying: "If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole." I've never considered it before, but if I never feel like I fit in then I have to ask myself is it because fitting in is hard or because I'm making it hard? Trying too hard, not trying enough, not giving myself credit? It's interesting to me that all of you who have responded so far also feel like you haven't fit in well in other groups, so maybe it is a personality by-product as well.

[Portia]

"If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole."

Hahaha. I think I felt I fit into the Board, and I'd like to, still, but it's not you, Board, it's me.

[Emiliana]

I've never been good at groups. In high school my three best friends couldn't stand each other--it made birthday parties very difficult. I had a group of friends in college, but then one of them dated or tried to date just about all the girls and that didn't go well. Then for two years I was part of a group of missionaries (non-LDS) that was supposed to be like family but it was in the process of disintegrating right about the time I got there, and again I was in a situation where I was close to two or more people who couldn't stand each other.

I guess I fit in well enough with the English teachers at school? I don't know.

[Katya]

Being a liberal Mormon has made it pretty much impossible to identify with most groups, since the Mormons think I'm evil and the liberals think I'm brainwashed. And then even liberal Mormon groups can feel echo chamber-y, or just overly combative. (Not that there's not a time and place for combativeness, but just because I'm a liberal Mormon doesn't mean I want to sit around being angry all the time.)

I did have an interesting experience last year, when I attended the Mormon History Association conference and then the American Dialect Society conference. I didn't feel like I fit in with the people at the first conference at all. (I'm not a professor, not a PhD candidate, and not a historian; I only attended because most of the work done in Mormon studies tends to have a historical bent.) When I went to the ADS conference, I still wasn't quite in the target demographic, since I only studied linguistics on the undergraduate level, but it was incredibly clear to me by the end of the conference that these were my people, based on everything from the jokes to the formal presentations, and that experience solidified my resolve to pursue linguistics-related research, instead of trying to turn myself into a historian.

[Portia]

Being a liberal Mormon has made it pretty much impossible to identify with most groups, since the Mormons think I'm evil and the liberals think I'm brainwashed. And then even liberal Mormon groups can feel echo chamber-y, or just overly combative. (Not that there's not a time and place for combativeness, but just because I'm a liberal Mormon doesn't mean I want to sit around being angry all the time.)

I did have an interesting experience last year, when I attended the Mormon History Association conference and then the American Dialect Society conference. I didn't feel like I fit in with the people at the first conference at all. (I'm not a professor, not a PhD candidate, and not a historian; I only attended because most of the work done in Mormon studies tends to have a historical bent.) When I went to the ADS conference, I still wasn't quite in the target demographic, since I only studied linguistics on the undergraduate level, but it was incredibly clear to me by the end of the conference that these were my people, based on everything from the jokes to the formal presentations, and that experience solidified my resolve to pursue linguistics-related research, instead of trying to turn myself into a historian.

Anyone who thinks you're brainwashed is foolish at best and a troll at worst. It is one of the glaringest faults of the orthodox to ex-Mormon blogosphere: ad hominem attacks and sweeping generalizations.

I'm glad you found a home among the philologists. I like the idea that personal growth doesn't just arbitrarily stop at 25.

[Portia]

I meant "unorthodox," but the Web can bring out the troll in the best of folks.