#78972 - low libido

[Portia]

If a friend of mine successfully crowdsourced the name for a character in her book today, I'm sure we can tackle the social good and address the problem of this young woman's lack of eros. (I'll do my best to keep it PG-13 rated, folks.)

Thoughts:

• Half of baseball is 90 percent mental, or something. Is she more likely in the mood in the morning, right after work, or at night?
  If his doing the dishes isn't sexy (I don't blame her), what is? Romantic gestures? Rousing calisthenics? Cuddling and foreplay?
  Are there unaddressed negative thoughts about sexuality that a therapist or self-guided study could help with? I'd ditch the Deseret Book books which have a vested interest, here, and look for an outside perspective.
  At a neutral time, discuss the issue of initiation. Would she like her husband to be more dominant in this vein? Would this make her feel desirable or more anxious?
  Most controversial, I anticipate: ditch the garments. I lurk enough on TBM fora to know that while they represent many things for many people, no doubt good, "arousing" is not really one of them. Think of lingerie as occupational clothing if that helps ...
  Want some of mine? I have a ton of libido all pent up doing absolutely no good to anyone just looking for an outlet. ARGH.

[Shrinky Dink]

(Portia, I know you mentioned to avoid Deseret Book, but that's what I've had access to lately, do that's what I'm going to go with. I also agree to ditch the garments every once in a while to prep for sex and get something from Victoria's Secret or somewhere similar.)

I'm getting married on Friday (yay!) so, I've been reading "And They Were Not Ashamed" Anyway, chapter 3 mentions that female arousal is very different from male arousal and usually best happens in the order of 1)Warm Up/ Preparation 2)Foreplay/ Arousal 3)Desire 4)Orgasm/ Climax/ Intercourse 5)Afterglow.

Basically, female arousal happens best after some very serious preparation (e.g. taking a warm bath, lighting some candles, putting on lingerie) and some decent foreplay. Desire is part 3!! Don't expect it to be part 1.

I was listening to a talk called "Expressions of Love - Intimacy in Marriage" by Dr John Lund. It suggested something so daring as to schedule sex! Yep, twice a week. Pick two days a week and take turns instigating it. Have the wife instigate on Tuesday, and the husband instigate on Saturday. Schedule it. Seriously, just do it. I don't like doing homework, but I do it because it assists in my learning. Basically, you don't have to want sex in order to have sex. Spend some time walking around the apt in lingerie (or less) and send him a flirty text. Just make the decision to do it and do it. (And make sure the blinds are closed)

[Portia]

Twice a week? I wouldn't last. :-|

Maybe I'm secretly a dude. I do have a strong jawline ..

That's good that you've been doing some self-education before your marriage. Congrats!

[A Mom, but not yours]

Oh, and don't ever forget that the hormones released from having sex also tend to increase the desire for more sex. To increase your desire for sex, have it more often.

I still remember a class I took eons ago for young married couples and we had an OB/GYN come talk to us and answer questions. He asked one couple to stay after and talk to him because it became clear during the discussion that neither of them had any idea what foreplay was. GET EDUCATED!

[Shrinky Dink]

Twice a week isn't a lot, but it sure is a lot more than what they're currently doing, so I think it's a step in the right direction

[Portia]

Oh, and don't ever forget that the hormones released from having sex also tend to increase the desire for more sex. To increase your desire for sex, have it more often.

I still remember a class I took eons ago for young married couples and we had an OB/GYN come talk to us and answer questions. He asked one couple to stay after and talk to him because it became clear during the discussion that neither of them had any idea what foreplay was. GET EDUCATED!

Wait what, how ... So confused ...

[Cognoscente]

Maybe my experience is anomalous, but whenever I come across discussions like this, I feel like Hal from Malcolm In The Middle.

[mic0]

Cognoscente, you managed to make this thread EVEN MORE AWKWARD. Anyway, everyone's libidos are different, blah blah blah, good to know yourself and your needs, blah blah blah. One time I was talking to my doctor and he asked if my husband and I have sex a "normal" amount and I asked him what he meant, and he just sort of shrugged and said if it was regular and enough since "normal" varies so much from person to person. It was funny.

[Cognoscente]

[Portia]

I challenged my extremely shy, buttoned-up, virginal ex-Mormon roommate to get a vibrator. Her reaction was great. We'll see if she takes me up on my advice. :P

Also, Bryan Cranston? The best. (Even though I'm not watching Breaking Bad. Too scary.)