Parenthood

[krebscout]

The more time passes, the more I realize that parenthood is sacrifice. Not just of time, money, sleep, and spontaneous midnight trips for Frosties, but (to some degree and for at least some time) of your ambitions and hobbies and pursuits and...personality. Your whole pre-child self. I chose to be a mother and a housewife...but it's still kinda hard sometimes. And I have pretty easy kids, and I haven't even been a mom that long.

I miss being the smart kid. It's easy to forget that I was once quite gifted when I live with a man who is clearly my academic superior. I'm smarter in some ways, but he's smarter in most. And that gap is just widening now as he continues school and I stay home. It's not just that he's getting smarter; I'm regressing. I got pregnant twice and my brain went down the tubes. And I'm not just saying that in a middle-aged-lady-trying-to-make-a-joke kind of way - I literally watched myself grow less observant, less able to retain, and generally dimmer with each kid. Add onto that repetitive days that usually lack adult stimulation and a simultaneous absence of time for any self-education...or even time to read for fun...and I fear I'm becoming dull. My conversational fodder is still based on a book about the fourth dimension that I read in tenth grade. My comments on this forum are all flippant and stupid these days; it's all I have to contribute. My husband, though you may not agree with him, at least always has something meaty to say. I'm jealous of that.

I'm not saying that traditional motherhood is harder than traditional fatherhood. I may have to fight for my brain, but at least I don't have to fight for my soul in a 9-5 that I hate. Motherhood just happens to be the one I know.

For you more experienced parents out there: does it get better? Do you get your brains back? Does the cycle reset with each new kid? How did you keep your days varied and stimulating for both you and your kids? How did you find the right balance between caring for them and making sure you weren't "drawing from an empty well"?

The rewards of parenthood are certainly great, and I'd be happy to write about that in another thread if anyone is feeling like maybe they don't want kids some day...but there's definitely some sacrifice.

[ahem.]

*sigh* When I read this, I just immediately wanted to say the exact right thing to make it all better. But I am not a parent, and I do not know what to say. So instead, I offer you this, a response from my sister who has some experience with some of the things you are asking about. I know there are other parents here who will likely have some things to say too, but I wanted to help and I have no experience of my own. So. Here you go:


Oh, sacrifice. Yes. Definitely the watchword of parenthood.

Does it get better? Yes. And no.

You're in the trough right now, and I really know where you're coming from. I was a valedictorian in high school, and my most stimulating conversations often revolve around diapers and breastfeeding. A lot of what used to define me has been eclipsed by kids. When you're a mom, it overshadows a lot of what else you are. But you have to remember that you're still you. All those things that get overshadowed are still there. Right now, it's hard to tap the intellect and the creativity. It's like being out of shape. When you're driving everywhere and sitting behind a desk, you can't just go out and run a marathon. And when you're baby talking and explaining for the 57th time why in heaven's name you can NOT stand in the sink with the water running down the counter all day long, no, you probably can't whip out a discourse on John Donne or write a 15-page research paper like you used to. But the instincts, ability, and talent are still there. When the wheel turns, and you have a little more time, it will still be there ready to be honed. You're still the smart kid. Just not in training at the moment.

On the other hand, being a mom will also change you in many ways. You're not going to go back and be that pre-child self again. But life changes everyone. Even if you'd never had kids, you still wouldn't be that same person. You have to accept that and work with who you are at any given time. You probably wouldn't choose to go back anyway.

So, as far as practical advice. It will get better. Better, but different. You won't get your brains back because you never really lost them. The cycle does reset a bit with each child. That probably has a lot to do with sleep deprivation - even when you may not realize you're sleep deprived because you've been that way for so long. Although, as your older children get older, you may not relapse as much as you did initially. Kids are so naturally curious and have such strong personalities that it is incredibly fun to watch them develop. Their inventiveness will keep you on your toes, constantly reinventing your parenting strategies. You'll find yourself working bits of yourself into your parenting style. For me, it's marketing, organizational behavior, mediation, Shakespeare, etc. For you? Maybe game theory or politics or cellular structures. The kids will ask questions that really make you think and question your preconceptions about how the world works. Tell me that doesn't take brains.

So, keeping the day stimulating. For the kids, you don't really have to try. Their job is learning about the world through exploration and play. They'll do that on their own. They probably won't be any more stimulated going to a science museum with all the cool interactive displays that they will be just examining a bug in the back yard. However, if the science stuff is interesting to you, go for it! Teaching kids things that you think are cool is lots of fun and will keep you energized. Conversely, letting the kids stare at bugs and play on their own while you read a book is just fine too. Keeping yourself sane is almost as much of a job as taking care of the kids. It can require creativity. Sometimes it's plugging in to what the kids are doing - prompting an interesting pretend game, evaluating your child's personality type and how it relates to the family dynamic, following the 'why' game as far as you can stretch it without saying 'just because,' devising a new game to make toothbrushing fun. And sometimes it's checking out and doing something for yourself. TV is okay. Tuning out the monologue in the backseat is okay. Phoning in the tedious My Little Pony game while you daydream is okay.

It's always a balancing game. And sometimes there are trade offs. Some days I trade a mess in the kitchen for a shower. Sometimes I trade an exhausting day to stay up and read the night before. Sometimes I trade a year of preschool co-op to feel like a good mom. Find time here and there everyday. Or plow through the maddening days for an activity or day off. Or both. You do what you can. You work with what you have. You do what it takes. Take care of yourself and the kids will practically take care of themselves. (Developmentally. You should probably still get them down off the wet counter.)

(I have 4 kids: 8, 6, 4, and 8 months.)

[TheAnswerIs42]

Oh, Krebscout, it is like you took the words out of my mouth. I know you want to hear people tell you it gets better, but I just have to tell you- that, to me, is the hardest part of being a mom. I feel like I need to justify it to somebody - anybody: I used to be smart! I swear, I did! I used to have goals and acheive things in my life! And they related to me, and made me feel like I was an awesome person! And now I just change diapers and hide in my house. And it is made much harder by watching my husband keep on in what I wanted while I stagnate.

Things that help me: I used to love my job as a math teacher, so now I tutor in my house. There is always a need for a math tutor for high school age kids, and I can get business without even advertising. I can honestly say that, while the money is nice, I do it for my sanity. It is something that is just me, that has nothing to do with my kids, and that makes me feel . . . smart again. Maybe there is something like that in your previous major/career? If not, you can be eternally pathetic like me and re-read your old textbooks over breakfast.

Yikes, I thought there was at least more than one thing that saves my sanity, but I guess that is it, mostly. I mean, I have hobbies that I like, but most of them are the typical SAHM stuff, and that almost makes me feel worse about them. Crafts, photography, reading fiction books, etc. Otherwise, I just get sad when I see how much my husband loves his job and remember how much I loved mine.

Sigh.

[Whistler]

I am terrified of having children.

[TheAnswerIs42]

I don't think it is anything to be terrified of. It is a big change that takes over all aspects of your life, but so was going to college. And so is getting married. All good things, but all hard to get used to.

[bobtheenchantedone]

I know having children is difficult and frustrating and difficult, but right now, I am very looking forward to it. I'll gladly take my own frustrating children over my current situation - I see problems, I see that they are not addressed properly, I see the same failed techniques tried over and over, and I can't do anything because these are my parents' children, not mine. Everyone wants to run their families their own way, and it can be very hard to have to conform to someone else's way of doing things.

[mic0]

Hey Whistler, I'm terrified, too. And not excited. Which is why I'm glad I am young and can not think about it for a while.

[thebigcheese]

I'm terrified, too. And not excited. Which is why I'm glad I am young and can not think about it for a while.

You know, it will sneak up on you eventually. As a single person, I was in denial about it. I thought I could dodge the bullet for many years, but I recently graduated and got married. Guess what? I'm still terrified and not excited. Granted, we're not planning on having kids for a little while, but it's always getting closer...it's probably better to get used to the idea beforehand.

[OptimusPrime]

I have had similar feelings lately, albeit much more mild than yours, even as a GTWD (go-to-work dad). I know SAHMhood makes this to the Cleaning Lady feel like this as well. She's pretty good at maximizing her talents at home with sewing and piano lessons and she tries to do things like book club to get some intellectual stimulation, but it's hard.

Having kids is a sacrifice of your ability to develop yourself . It's not something I regret at all, but it is something you have to learn to balance correctly. Kids are so overwhelming that it's easy to give yourself completely to them. I love playing with my kids, and I don't want to miss a minute of their lives, so it's easy for me to go to work, come home, deal/play with kids, then go to bed. I get mental stimulation at work, and interact with smart adults, but there are lots of things I can't do at work that I want to do at home, but they're not an immediate in-your-face task like kids and by the time the kids are in bed my mind is blank and I just end up standing there not knowing what to do or without enough time to adequately even start what I want to do.

I realized I have to balance what I want to do with what my kids want to do, all within the scope of how sane my wife is by the end of the day. I try to keep a physical, or at least mental, list of things I'd like to do when I think of them, because with my mind on work all day, then frantic with kids when I get home, I honestly just can't think of what I want to do when I have or make time. This way I don't waste what little me time I have. I can read, or create, or puzzle, or do whatever it is that gets my brain going.

The other thing is to create time away from your kids. As they say, one kids takes up 100% of your time, two kids take up 100% of your time... etc. As much as I hate leaving them, it's good for all of us to have some time to ourselves. It's good for kids to learn to play on their own, or learn to be ok at somebody else's house, or frankly, to not always get everything they want. And of course it's good for you to do something besides wipe poop and be a horse.

How you find that time, and what that balance is, those are the hard things to figure out. You'll never be what you would be without kids, of course. I, too, feel that slow creep of dullness coming over my brain, and I wonder if it's because I don't do interesting things anymore, or if it's because I can't. But you do what you can, you start projects, you create things (sometimes I program for fun!), you read, you write (Cleaning Lady started some fiction the other day), you participate in obscure message boards, whatever it takes to get the brain pumping again. I play Scrabble on my phone. A lot. And NPR during the commute. Oh and blogs, lots of interesting blogs out there.

A few more thoughts. I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit, which is probably just a side effect of your current funk. Speaking of dullness of brain, I sat here for at least a minute trying to remember my last thought. We're at a pretty similar spot as far as kid ages, and I think it's one of the more difficult times. I'm starting to see some light at the end of this particular tunnel, where our girls are getting to the age where they can start entertaining each other, instead of relying on parents for entertainment. I am very much looking forward to this time. Once they get there, it's not a stretch to plop a youngster in with them and let him/her toddle around after the older siblings for a while, while you brush up on the 4th dimension.

[vorpal blade]

My mother had nine children, and there were times when I am sure she wondered if she had lost the capacity for adult thought. I heard about a time when she was riding in a car with a number of other Relief Society sisters. As my mother chanced to look outside the car she saw a train travelling down the tracks. Immediately she blurted out, "Oh lookee! A choo-choo train!"

When she realized how juvenile that must sound she was embarrassed. But the other ladies assured her that they understood perfectly. After working in Primary for many years she also sounded like she was addressing children when she gave a talk in Sacrament meeting. But everyone loved her. She was still smart, her smartness was manifested in new and different ways.

With two children I wouldn't expect you, krebscout, to have the time to post as much or in as much depth as you did before. I think you are as smart as Sauron. If you are worried about it you could do as my wife does to keep her mind agile. She does cross word puzzles and Sudoku, and she listens to stimulating conversations on the radio while she goes about her household chores. She reads up on current events. She is much faster than I am in cross word puzzles and Sudoku.

[Craig Jessop]

After working in Primary for many years she also sounded like she was addressing children when she gave a talk in Sacrament meeting. But everyone loved her. She was still smart, her smartness was manifested in new and different ways.

I think this explains the "Ann M. Dibb phenomenon." Seriously, while she was talking about those poor, stupid workers clinging for their lives to the underbelly of a bridge I thought from the look on her face that somebody had announced she had a new grandchild. This explains why it's like that a lot better. (It doesn't explain the uniform jewel tones, though.)

[Katya]

My conversational fodder is still based on a book about the fourth dimension that I read in tenth grade.

Flatland?

[krebscout]

My conversational fodder is still based on a book about the fourth dimension that I read in tenth grade.

Flatland?

Ha. I read that one in eighth grade, and several times since. No...I don't remember the name of the book, but it wasn't as much fun as Flatland.

Thank you for your helpful comments and suggestions, guys. ahem. - I've always loved the way you communicate, and your sister has the same honesty and clarity. Thank her for me? I've been watching my son with her "watching-a-bug-is-as-good-as-going-to-a-science-museum" example in mind, and that made me change the way I think about his interactions with our little world in this apartment. Good insight.

TheAnsweris42: I admire that you read your textbooks still. That's a great idea. As are the rest . How old are your kids?

Optimus: Sweet. I wanted to hear about a light at the end of the tunnel...and not too far away...and that makes sense about new little ones. Hopefully this first batch is the most intense. Also, of all the people who could write some awesome fiction, your wife is up there. I want to hear more about this.

Vorpal: I do that all the time, but mostly in my head. Every time I see an airplane my brain yells, "Airbane!!!" Our son seems to be a catch-phrase machine, and my husband and I have found his intonations and pronunciations overtaking our vocabulary.

I obviously started this thread in a moment of despair, but things have been so much better since then. It really is fun to get to play with kids all day. I was reading an article on the Happiness Project blog, and the author wrote that challenge and novelty are both requisite to happiness (I would probably choose the word "satisfaction"). It always surprises me how much newness can lift my mood - rearranging furniture, trying a new food, making a new friend, learning a new skill, whatever. Why is that, do you think? What do you do to keep your life fresh and new for you (and not just in terms of keeping kids stimulated)?

[krebscout]

This is almost totally unrelated, but I discovered why there are so many less photographs of second (and subsequent) children than firstborns: it's not that you're less excited about the kids, it's just impossible to ensure that both are awake, fed, clean, and clothed, and that the camera is charged all at the same time. Or if you want to take pictures of just one of them, both of them need your attention.

[TheAnswerIs42]

My kids are 4 and 2. And you know what I learned from my Mother in law recently? If you give toddlers cheap paint brushes, a bowl of water, and a large cement area, they will be just as happy as if they were painting with colors. Genius. My kids are rather happy right now!

Sorry, that's not entirely related, but . . . well, we are talking about keeping kids and moms happy. Things that entertain them and don't make messes for me make me happy.

krebscout has a point. Unless, like me, you get a fancy camera and start a photography hobby after the second one is born. Then that rule only applies to scrapbooks.

[OptimusPrime]

42: That's exactly what I did (fancy camera after #2) but now I'm finding that I have lots of pictures, but no videos.

[Wisteria]

From the other side of the fence, know what one of my biggest fears is right now? That I'll get so ingrained in the GTWS (go-to-work-single) life, eight hours of usually very mentally stimulating work, followed by several hours of whatever I want, be it socializing, reading, working on projects, etc., that I'm going to have a really hard time staying home with kids, even though that's what I want most. Also, that by the time I get married and have kids, I will be getting old enough that I won't be as energetic and resilient as necessary. It kind of makes me sad, realizing that I may not get to have the family I always wanted, because the opportunity to get married hasn't arrived yet.

But then I look at the things I typed first and think, what on earth am I complaining about? I get to do whatever I want! And then I feel a little better.