My best friend

[melbabi]

My best friend of 10 years committed suicide on Sunday morning. I'm obviously struggling with this especially because he called me a few days before with severe suicidal ideation and I talked to him for an hour and a half but didn't do anything else about it. I was hoping that I would get closure by going to his viewing/funeral. However, the viewing is on Friday and the funeral is on Saturday and my flight to Prague for my study abroad leaves Friday morning. I would cancel it but it's for school so I'd fail my class if I did. I tried changing my ticket but it wasn't allowed because he isn't, 'immediate family.' Does anybody have any suggestions on how to find closure? Preferably non religious ways as my friend was atheist and I'm agnostic. Thanks.

[krebscout]

I don't have any suggestions for you, but I am so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for his pain. You couldn't have done "anything else about it." It was not in your hands.

[Marduk]

It depends on your personality. For me, I'd reflect on what we had done together, remember how we interacted, and perhaps make some little memento that reminded me of him. I'd also try to get my thoughts out on paper (or on computer screen, as may be applicable) not for someone to read, just for myself. My deepest condolences. I've known individuals who have commit suicide and it is never easy.

[NerdGirl]

Melbabi, I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been close to several people who have committed suicide (including an aunt and my brother's first girlfriend), and I wondered what warning signs I could have picked up on and what I could have done to prevent it, but I now realize that there was nothing I could have done. I'm sure you realize on an intellectual level that there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, but it's hard nonetheless. It's just such a helpless feeling.

But I want to share with you what we did when my uncle died unexpectedly a few years ago to get closure, and maybe you can get some ideas from that. He suffered for decades with depression and alcoholism, and when he died, he had been in the hospital with a bowel obstruction, but he checked himself out against medical device (and without telling any family or friends that he had even been hospitalized) because he needed to smoke and drink, and he couldn't do those things in the hospital. And then he died at home. He was non-religious and my mom was executor of his will, and she knew that he didn't want a funeral when he died. So she had him cremated, and then instead of having a funeral, his friends planned a celebration of his life. It wasn't immediately after his death. The waited a couple of months to give family members and friends who lived far away time to find flights and get time off work, and then everyone just had a huge party at his house, with his favorite music and his favorite drinks and his favorite foods. There were pictures of him everywhere and people just talked and shared memories of him. It was a party that he would have really enjoyed. We're planning to have a similar event when my grandmother dies (she's 95 and has been very sick for several years), because she isn't very religious and she doesn't want a funeral. Maybe you could plan a celebration of your friend's life after you get back from Prague with some of his other close friends, or if that's too far in the future you could have your own personal celebration of his life. Listen to his favorite music, eat his favorite foods, watch a movie he loved, etc. Do some things that he would have enjoyed in his honor. You could also plant a tree for him or donate to a cause he believed in in his name.

[UnluckyStuntman]

I'm so sorry, Melbabi. I don't have a lot to add, except that you may find it helpful to speak to someone who specializes in grief counseling. I hope you're doing okay. Hang in there.

Side note to NerdGirl, I really like the idea of celebrating someone's life, versus having a funeral. Thank you for sharing that story.

[Werf_Must]

I'm so sorry for your loss... he is at peace now, I hope you can find peace

[thebigcheese]

[krebscout]

I had an experience similar to NerdGirl's. When my cousin died, they did have a funeral, but they also had a party afterward at his favorite park (he was 19). There were pizza and glowsticks. And music was a big part of his life, so everyone brought their instruments and played music in his honor. Including lots of guitars, some violins, an oud, a didgeridoo, and singing. It was friends, family members, kids from church, his guitar teacher. His sister had written some songs for him. And one of my favorite parts was that everybody was wearing one of his old t-shirts. I sat in the corner and drew pictures of everybody (I was a young teenager at the time).

It seemed to be a wonderful, therapeutic experience for everybody. You could absolutely throw a party a few months after the funeral, if you so chose.

[melbabi]

Thanks for the idea. His birthday is in may, four days away from mine so I might talk to his friends and see if we want to do that. We did have a wake for him on Monday but that involved a lot of crying as we all miss him so very much. I think I'm also going to ask his mom or brother if I can see him before I go. I really want to say goodbye.

[TheBlackSheep]

Dear melbabi,

I'm sorry I only just saw this now. I have been on vacation all week and I won't get back until Sunday. I hope your study abroad goes well, and I send you all my sympathy.

Love,
Me

[Emiliana]

I'm so sorry, melbabi.