Dating multiple girls (62580)

[Dragon Lady]

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I have to say, I was a little surprised at the answers. Well, except the snake whisperer's, assuming you know werf (is tsw's gender common knowledge?) is a sarcastic nym. I don't see anything wrong with a guy asking several girls out at the same time, trying to get to know them all and deciding which he'd fit best with to pursue more seriously, so long as he doesn't lead them to believe that he is dating them and only them. I went through a couple of periods in my life when I had all sorts of guys asking me out and I would go for several weeks dating several boys at the same time, then having to choose one and "break it off" with the others. Really, I feel more pity for the guy who is going into dating 4 girls knowing he's gonna have to stop dating (at least) 3 of them. As romantic as it sounds to date multiple people who are interested in you at the same time, it actually stinks. But I see nothing morally wrong with it.

I'm kind of surprised Laser Jock didn't answer this. He's usually the one who steps in and says something about not wanting to date someone seriously until he knows her really well, and is perfectly ok with going on dates with other girls until he knows if he wants to be serious or not.

[wired]

I agree with you. After reading the question, I thought, "Oh, must be because I'm a guy that I don't see a problem with this." Good to know my gender hasn't made me totally oblivious.

I think it would be different if the questioner were looking for affirmation that making out with each of these girls was perfectly acceptable or if he was giving any of them a false sense that things were progressing faster then he actually wanted. But simply taking multiple girls on separate dates doesn't seem all that despicable to me.

I also thought Azriel's answer was a little impractical. Most girls I knew in undergrad were more than willing to go on dates with different guys in a short time span, some on multiple dates. Should a girl be expected to turn down a guy if another guy has asked her out on two consecutive dates? Should a guy only ask out one girl consecutively? I think the best answer is to just let everyone be risk-averse and have them all date whoever they want until they're ready for a committed relationship.

When I found out that a girl I had been on multiple dates with had been on multiple dates with another guy, I just figured she was as uncertain as I was about whether we'd be a good couple. I asked her out on another date (our fourth), had a good time, but decided we wouldn't fit that well together in the long haul.

[thebigcheese]

Yeah, I was really surprised at the answers too. Until your relationship is "defined" as boyfriend/girlfriend, I think you're free to date whoever you want, as many times as you want. Then, once that relationship is established, cut ties with everyone else. It's really not that complicated.

I mean, you probably don't want to have the reputation of being the type of guy who only takes girls out on first dates. And you probably don't want have the reputation of being the type of guy who takes out every single girl on the planet (don't consecutively ask out every roommate, duh). But that's a far cry from simply dating around. Dating around is perfectly acceptable and a great way to get to know people. With that said, holding hands, cuddling, and kissing are different. If you're holding hands, cuddling, or kissing lots of different girls at the same time, you're bound to have a problem.

[SMP]

I agree. I can't see how there is anything wrong with what he is doing.

Are girls really offended by the thought that guys who ask them out might have backup options? Even if we don't think of them as backup options, I'm sure it's quite common for guys to have a couple other girls in mind who they might be interested in.

And do girls really expect to be wooed? I feel like it really doesn't matter. How often has wooing a girl who doesn't like you done accomplished anything other than creeping out and annoying her? If after a first date the girl doesn't seem to have any more interest in dating you, then you should probably move on. Wooing her is not going to change her mind.

I also think that when you ask a girl out for a second date, if she says she doesn't have time, then it almost certainly means she isn't interested, and you should move on. At the very least, you are free to go on a date with someone else without any worries. But I guess you should use your own judgment and not generalize completely. I think you can tell if she genuinely wants to go out with you but really is too busy.

Anyway, I'm definitely not a dating expert, but those are some of my thoughts. I'm sure there are exceptions to these points, but I think they are generally applicable.

[thebigcheese]

And do girls really expect to be wooed? I feel like it really doesn't matter. How often has wooing a girl who doesn't like you done accomplished anything other than creeping out and annoying her? If after a first date the girl doesn't seem to have any more interest in dating you, then you should probably move on. Wooing her is not going to change her mind.

I agree with this too. I had a roommate who got asked out to Stadium of Fire one year, and she was totally intimidated by the fact that he bought $50 seats for them. She felt like he was going WAY beyond what was necessary for that date, which I'm pretty sure was a first date. His intentions were probably harmless and he really just wanted to attend the event, but it doesn't change the fact that he spent 50 bucks on her ticket. Trying to "woo" the girl too early in the dating process is more likely to make you come across too strongly and the girl will get scared. She will think that you're REALLY interested when she's still in the "not quite so interested" phase. Imbalance is always bad for relationships, in that regard.

Personally, I was always more interested in meeting a guy who I could be comfortable around. In fact, that's one of the first things I noticed about my husband -- I was so comfortable talking to him. Conversation flowed easily. That will go much further with a girl than doing something fancy to impress her.

[Laser Jock]

I'm kind of surprised Laser Jock didn't answer this. He's usually the one who steps in and says something about not wanting to date someone seriously until he knows her really well, and is perfectly ok with going on dates with other girls until he knows if he wants to be serious or not.

I was totally going to, but I forgot to come back to it. Dang it.

I was also going to chastise him for the rather large chip he seems to have on his shoulder ("when she beings her feminine bs," etc.), but oh well. I'm actually rather surprised no one else did so...

[mic0]

I don't think the problem was that he was dating multiple girls. It was that he sounds like a jerk!

Okay, let me try to rephrase. He makes it sound like it is okay for him to do this but not for girls to do so. Furthermore, he just made a lot of comments that made it sound like he doesn't really respect them as people (see the part that LJ quoted for one example). To me, anyway, the wording of his whole question rubbed me the wrong way.

[TheAnswerIs42]

I say it's fine. My husband did this a lot when he was dating - he tried to have a date for every Friday and Saturday night that he could. They were simple dates, either with friends or to whatever was going on, etc. And I am glad. I didn't get asked out . . . like ever . . . and I knew a lot of other girls who didn't either, since many guys get too nervous about the whole process. My husband honestly cited that as a reason he asked different girls out as often as he could. He felt like there were lots of girls who would be fun to be with, and he felt bad that they weren't getting asked out.

Since the questioner specifically mentioned he wasn't planning on multiple major commitments with girls, or make out sessions, I say he's okay. I see no reason why this should go with one gender and not the other, either. As long as you aren't technically bf/gf, date as many people as often as you want.

I'll agree he sounded a bit bitter, but . . . that doesn't change the answer to the question, in my book.

[thebigcheese]

Heh, this reminds me of a guy I used to work with. He would always talk about his "bad streak" when he got turned down by 26 girls in a row. I don't know if that was part of some dating spree or what, but if that were me, I don't think I'd say ANYTHING about it. Especially around a bunch of single girls at work. Maybe he was desperate for pity?

[Dragon Lady]

Ok, so his wording was strange. But mostly it sounded, to me, like he's nerdy and trying to understand social aspects through his nerdy glasses. But I guess that doesn't really phase me too much because I'm married to a nerd who sees things through nerdy glasses. (I'm serious. It's part of the prescription. ) I'm guessing his frustration over various types of girls has come from experience with those types of girls. He's saying, "I know these girls exist and I'm sick of investing all of my time into them, only to find out that they're playing stupid mind games." I know many people, guys and girls alike, that have showed frustration over that type of thing. I went through an, "All boys are stupid jerks" phase for quite awhile myself. But he's not that bad. He knows there are girls out there that aren't like that. But he, apparently, doesn't have the gift to discern which is which until several dates in. So instead of going through one at a time, can't he multi-task and sift the wheat from the chaff early? Can't he streamline his search for a girl that is compatible with his mentality?

C'mon. Tell me you've never been frustrated with dating.

[Whistler]

I think this comes down to the snipers vs machine guns styles of dating. I've always been a sniper, myself.

[Tao]

I believe my opinion on this has already been aired on this forum before; so I'll just add a tidbit from a discussion I had yesterday on this same topic. My friend postulated two similar but distinct emotions: love (as I understand it: "I want you to be happy") and emotional attachment ("I want you with me"). Neither one presupposes the other; and different relationships and different individuals tend to have different degrees of each.

When I asked why the current social trend is towards exclusivity the conclusion we came to was the emphasis on emotional attachment and a lack of self-confidence or self-love.

[Katya]

I think this comes down to the snipers vs machine guns styles of dating. I've always been a sniper, myself.

I have an image of guys randomly falling in love with you and having no idea what hit them.

[thebigcheese]

love (as I understand it: "I want you to be happy") and emotional attachment ("I want you with me")

I don't want to shift the discussion too much, but this strikes me the wrong way. There are many categories of love -- in dating, we're dealing with romantic love. Now, you have stated two kinds of desires. One is selfless, the other is selfish. I would say that "romantic love" requires BOTH desires together and cannot be any other way. Sure, romantic love might exist temporarily with only one part, but it quickly dies without the other. There needs to be some degree of mutual benefit. Both parties need to seek each other's happiness (or else you end up with selfishness) AND both parties need to want to be together (or else you will start hating life and will probably end up separated).

[Tao]

There are many categories of love...

I'm not sure where I stand on this, but this was one idea that was challenged by my friend's view: there is only one type of love, and many degrees thereof and differing combinations with other emotions for different relationships.

I would say that "romantic love" requires BOTH desires together and cannot be any other way. Sure, romantic love might exist temporarily with only one part, but it quickly dies without the other. There needs to be some degree of mutual benefit. Both parties need to seek each other's happiness (or else you end up with selfishness) AND both parties need to want to be together (or else you will start hating life and will probably end up separated).

You may well be correct. I do not claim to be any sort of expert on the matter. But I do think if such were the case, I'd probably have to expect to never fulfill such requirements.

[Katya]

I would say that "romantic love" requires BOTH desires together and cannot be any other way. Sure, romantic love might exist temporarily with only one part, but it quickly dies without the other. There needs to be some degree of mutual benefit. Both parties need to seek each other's happiness (or else you end up with selfishness) AND both parties need to want to be together (or else you will start hating life and will probably end up separated).

You may well be correct. I do not claim to be any sort of expert on the matter. But I do think if such were the case, I'd probably have to expect to never fulfill such requirements.

Why?

[Katya]

love (as I understand it: "I want you to be happy") and emotional attachment ("I want you with me")

I don't want to shift the discussion too much, but this strikes me the wrong way. There are many categories of love -- in dating, we're dealing with romantic love. Now, you have stated two kinds of desires. One is selfless, the other is selfish. I would say that "romantic love" requires BOTH desires together and cannot be any other way. Sure, romantic love might exist temporarily with only one part, but it quickly dies without the other. There needs to be some degree of mutual benefit. Both parties need to seek each other's happiness (or else you end up with selfishness) AND both parties need to want to be together (or else you will start hating life and will probably end up separated).

I wouldn't say that "I want you to be with me" is selfish, necessarily. In its ideal form, I'd call it . . . a hopeful hypothesis.

So, I want you to be happy (and I want to be happy, myself) and I hope that this will be best accomplished by our being together, because I have a bit of a crush on you, so let's spend some time together to test the hypothesis.

Obviously, if a relationship isn't working and one party gets obsessed and prioritizes "being together" over "being happy," that's selfish, but that doesn't have to be the case in a good relationship.

(You could also argue that the "I want to be happy, myself" part of the above argument is selfish, but I'd disagree with that, as well.)

[Marduk]

... there is only one type of love, and many degrees thereof and differing combinations with other emotions for different relationships.

This has been my perspective as well, one which has gotten me into trouble on this forum.

[Tao]

Why?

My current views lend themselves to one much moreso than the other. While I know that such philosophies are very likely to change with time, to live with them as temporary would be illogical at best.

As per the selfishness, the word carries much connotative weight. Finding a synonym or somehow assuring that the term need not always be negative could be useful.

[Quiet Lamb]

Ok, so his wording was strange. But mostly it sounded, to me, like he's nerdy and trying to understand social aspects through his nerdy glasses. ... I'm guessing his frustration over various types of girls has come from experience with those types of girls. He's saying, "I know these girls exist and I'm sick of investing all of my time into them, only to find out that they're playing stupid mind games." I know many people, guys and girls alike, that have showed frustration over that type of thing. I went through an, "All boys are stupid jerks" phase for quite awhile myself. But he's not that bad. He knows there are girls out there that aren't like that. But he, apparently, doesn't have the gift to discern which is which until several dates in. So instead of going through one at a time, can't he multi-task and sift the wheat from the chaff early? Can't he streamline his search for a girl that is compatible with his mentality?

C'mon. Tell me you've never been frustrated with dating.

I whole-heartedly agree. I kind of laughed at his question, because I saw many of my friends and others that I know in him. I can just imagine, "Let's see if we can figure out the perfect formula to apply to our dating lives!" His heart might be a little hardened at the moment and thus has a few skewed views, but I see nothing wrong with going on dates with different girls.

How often has wooing a girl who doesn't like you done accomplished anything other than creeping out and annoying her? If after a first date the girl doesn't seem to have any more interest in dating you, then you should probably move on. Wooing her is not going to change her mind.

Definitely. Wooing should be used for when you have already DTRed and you want to do something special because you care for them. (I guess that would be the "I want you to be happy, and that makes me happy" part of love.)