Picky eaters

[Dragon Lady]

Specifically in children.

I'm babysitting two of the pickiest children in the world. They refuse to eat meat. And only eat white bread, pasta, chicken nuggets (you know the type, right?) and random other foods. Like watermelon. Heck, the oldest is even picky with her desserts. And it drives me nuts to feed them, because I'm not going to cater to them. But I still want them to eat. (If for no other reason than to keep them from being cranky because they're hungry.)

I finally resorted to near-bribery. "You can choose to eat your sandwich or not. That's up to you. But only people who finish their lunch get watermelon afterwards." It took probably an hour to finish (well, finish to my satisfaction. Not actually finish. I let them skip the crusts. Gotta pick your battles, right?) but they did it. And I managed to remain calm through all of it.

But it makes me even more determined to never let my kids get into the slippery slope of only eating white bread, pasta, chicken nuggets, etc. I have no problem with them eating those things (we have noodles all the time and Dragon Baby loves them), but not at every meal and not that and only that. We eat whole wheat noodles and bread and brown rice. We eat variety and DB eats what we eat. We don't cater to her. So far so good. [crosses fingers]

[Eirene]

Sounds frustrating. I don't have direct experience with feeding picky eaters, but I've read a lot of stuff by Ellyn Satter, a moderately well-known dietitian, and I really agree with a lot of her philosophies for feeding kids. She has tons of articles on her website. Some of her stuff isn't helpful for situations like the one you described, because you can't provide much long-term consistency when you're baby-sitting, but there are still some pretty good reads there.

[Digit]

Something interesting from the Wikipedia article on negotiation:

“Just make them wait.” Everyone else in the world knows that no negotiation tactic is more useful with Americans, because no one places more value on time, no one has less patience when things slow down, and no one looks at their wristwatches more than Americans do. Edward T. Hall in his seminal writing is best at explaining how the passage of time is viewed differently across cultures and how these differences most often hurt Americans.

Not saying that's a good answer in your particular situation, but it's interesting.

[TheAnswerIs42]

I thought I was doing good when my son did very well, eating basically anything you put in front of him. And then my daughter came along, and I found that if they won't eat it, they won't eat it. I always do the "you don't get x unless you eat z" technique, and occasionally she takes the required bite, chews for as long as she can stand it, and then asks for a napkin to spit it out. Sometimes she just decides that the food she wants just isn't worth it. But she never gets other food afterward, so I'm hoping that she will slowly figure out that eating what you have is worth it. (By the way, her hated foods are pasta and rice. And sometimes red meat. She eats chicken and veggies as long as I didn't make them into a casserole with "strange looking" sauces. And she would eat fruit all day if I let her. So, I figure it isn't all bad. But plain chicken is boring every night, so . . . yeah.)

[Dragon Lady]

Our current plan is to put it in front of them, and if they eat it, great, if they don't oh well. But they don't get to eat anything else until breakfast. We might try to encourage her periodically, but we'll never force. We're also going to not try to do "You can't have X unless you eat Y" because then it just shows X as desirable and Y as not. (We did today because I wasn't trying to build a long-term habit. I just wanted to get something semi-healthy in them.) It'll come to the same thing because if we have dessert, they won't get to eat it. It'll fall under, "You can't eat anything until breakfast unless you finish your meal." Then we just have to worry about portion sizes to make sure we're not trying to get them to eat food after they're legitimately full.

I'm a little nervous because I was a ridiculously picky eater as a kid (sorry Mom!) and part of me doesn't understand how a kid can actually not be picky. But I have hope because Yellow's family all grew up not being picky. So hopefully at least half of our kids won't be picky. And so far Dragon Baby is acting a lot like Yellow in a lot of respects. She's our perfect child as was Yellow to his parents. Which means we're probably gonna get a devil-child next.

[Marduk]

This, this, is a VERY important topic to me.

The main thing I've noticed in children is that they pick up cues from their parents. The best predictor for whether or not a child will be picky is if the parents are picky. They will observe how you react to certain foods. In other words, if mom freaks out about a certain food, that means it is ok for kid to as well. Children are much more observant in this regard than we give them credit for.

Also, as you've pointed out, it isn't your job to cater to them. As long as you are feeding them something that is actually edible, and they aren't allergic to or something, you're under no other obligation. Hunger is the best seasoning, and when they are hungry enough, they will eat.

Lastly, cook a wide variety of things. The more individuals try different foods, the easier it is for them to try any specific food. In other words, the more they have tried foods they have never eaten, the more they see trying things isn't the end of the world and will be willing to try things.

[TheAnswerIs42]

We're also going to not try to do "You can't have X unless you eat Y" because then it just shows X as desirable and Y as not.

I've heard this before, but to be honest, I disagree to a certain extent. We talk to our kids a lot (with foods they like and don't like) about foods that are "good for my tummy" and "grow me bigger", as my three year old puts it. That goes for the carrots and strawberries that she devours, and the meat she doesn't care for that day. But the foods that was say she can have if she eats enough good things are things like ice cream. We tell her she can have some "fun" foods - ice cream, chocolate she got from party - if her tummy got lots of good foods first. Sometimes eats her whole plate because she loved it, and sometimes because she decided the "fun" food was worth it, but the end result is the same. And that lesson is good for adults too. So . . . I really don't see that argument. Obviously some of it comes down to presentation. When she's being picky, we tell her she is missing out because all of us are really enjoying it, and "my tummy is really going to like this food, I'm so glad I'm eating it", etc.

I've found that one of the hardest things is restuarants. I serve them a variety at home, because I don't care if they eat it or not. I can also make sure that there are two or three things on the plate, and at least one of those works for everybody. But when we are out an about, especially on vacation where we are running about all day and don't have a kitchen, we are stuck. And I can either pay a lot of money (stupid expensive kid meals) for something they may or may not decide to eat, or order the pizza that works without fail.

And Marduk, you are right to a certain extent. Parents always have to watch the cues they are sending. But there have certainly been times when we have all been happily eating dinner, and my daughter and her personal taste just doesn't want to. My husband and I have maybe two or three foods that we don't care for in the universe, but everyone comes with some pre-programming.

[Dragon Lady]

Ok, 42, I can agree with that. But your wording is good. You're teaching her that she can only have fun food after she has filled her tummy with good food. Most parents that that advice is geared towards don't. I can't tell you the number of times I've heard (and have said), "I don't care if you don't like it, you still have to eat it. You don't get any dessert unless you eat it." And then there is arguing over it, and the parent really just using the dessert as a bribe. And doing anything they possibly can to just GET THAT FOOD DOWN THAT THROAT. Including threats, bribes, and pressure. And half the time giving it to the child anyway, even if they don't eat their food.

I guess it's all in presentation. I like your way. I might adopt it.

[krebscout]

Hunger is the best seasoning, and when they are hungry enough, they will eat.

I agree for the most part, but sometimes this is not true. Sometimes kids are just crazy stubborn. My son and I had a showdown on Sunday. He'd been eating poorly all week. He was sick for most of that time, so whatever. By Sunday he had some medicine and was feeling noticeably better, but he still ate nothing for breakfast and a couple of bites for lunch. So understandably, he was cranky in the afternoon. But this was beyond normal crankiness. He was screaming for over an hour and would not stop. Not even for a tv show, not for an iPod touch, and certainly not for food...he even refused chocolate chips. I pay a lot of attention to what he eats, and I knew it was hunger.

So I put him in his highchair, where he continued screaming, and I put a banana and piece of wheat toast with cream cheese (which he usually loves...and he needs the calories. He's underweight). And for twenty minutes he screamed and I just did the dishes and told him that he couldn't get out until he ate something.

Finally he said, "Help ba'a'a?" So I helped him eat a few bites of banana, and with each bite I made a big celebration. And after he ate his food, he was the sweetest kid in the world.

Sometimes parents of two year olds have to resort to crazy things. Don't judge me : P

[Dragon Lady]

lol. I don't judge. In cases like that, I usually cave. Especially while they're this little. But those times are few and far between and I'll let DB get away with that a lot less as she gets older. If it happens often, though, I'd draw the line. A kid can go many days before starvation (and I'd never let it get to that point, obviously). If it becomes a problem, I'd be willing to go a coupla days before they realize they've got to eat. (Once they have the reasoning skills to do so.)

[NerdGirl]

I baby sat a little girl regularly from the time she was born until she was 6 (she's now 16, which makes me feel very old!), and she went through a picky eating/not eating phase for about 2 years, from age 2 to about 4. She had a sister who was a year younger who ate anything you put in front of her. Their mom was a nurse who had worked in pediatrics quite a bit, and her philosophy was that she had rarely seen an otherwise healthy child who was picky eater whose picky eating actually harmed them, so she just wasn't going to worry about it as long as her daughter was still gaining weight at a healthy rate and wasn't sick. The strategy was to just offer food at meal and snack times, making sure there was at least one thing at a meal that was something she "liked" and if she didn't eat, that was fine. Sometimes she'd only eat one meal a day. But she never actually went an entire day without eating, and she wasn't really tiny or anything and she kept growing. They weren't really a dessert eating family, but the parents liked to offer a snack an hour or so before bedtime that was usually something like sliced apples or yogurt or crackers and cheese, and there was no rule that she couldn't have a snack if she hadn't eaten dinner. Sometimes she'd eat the snack, sometimes she wouldn't. If they were ever having treats, she was allowed to have them regardless of what else she had eaten that day. They didn't specially cater to her and they didn't fight with her or bargain with her. And slowly she just got over it. By the time she was 4, she was eating at least something, and usually a little bit of everything at every meal. I realize that things might need to work a bit differently if you have a child with medical problems or special needs, but I think this is the strategy I plan to adopt if I ever have a kid who's a picky eater.

My brother was a picky eater (and still is), and I honestly think he got it from my mom. She's not as picky as he is, but it's no secret that she's not a huge fan of vegetables and we only had them because my dad and I liked them and because you're "supposed" to have vegetables with your supper every night. My brother was actually a pretty small kid and was probably not gaining weight like he was supposed to and had to take iron pills because he was anemic and he had asthma and chronic ear infections and was sick all the time, so I think my mom worried a lot about him not eating vegetables. And in that case you probably do have to do a bit more than waiting and letting it work yourself out. It probably was affecting his health. I can remember one night when she told him she'd give him $5 (that was a lot of money to a three-year-old in 1988) if he would eat one pea. And he still wouldn't do it. It's pretty hard to convince a kid to eat something when they can tell that you think it's gross. Ultimately she just started giving him carrots every night because he would actually eat them and giving him vitamins and iron pills every day.

[Katya]

DL, you may find this article interesting:

http://www.npr.org/2011/02/14/133629227 ... r-approach

[TheAnswerIs42]

If anyone is actually interested, I have a packet of handouts from the "food group" at Kids on the Move (a local group for kids with disabilities of all kinds 0-3 years old). It is a class my son and I went through, since a lot of kiddos with disabilities have a hard time with food. But the packet isn't specific to struggling kids - just picky ones. They talk about why the "they'll eat when they are hungry" approach doesn't work (some kids with autism would actually starve themselves rather than face foods with the wrong texture cold turkey), and details out 32 levels they work through to get a kid to eat new types of food. (The bottom are levels like being in the same room with it, or allowing it on their plate without panic, moving through touching it or playing with it, eventually "kissing" it, then biting it, and eventually swallowing it too.) Some kids have to spend time at each level before maybe moving forward the next day. That's why I'm okay with my daughter spitting it out - she might need to get used to it, but the effort was there. That's also why I put it on their plate even when I know they don't like it - I'm testing out the early levels of tolerating the food. Some of the kiddos in the class would panic at the sight of it and try to throw it far away from them, so letting it stay on their plate is a good sign for further progress.

[TheBlackSheep]

I guess it's all in presentation. I like your way. I might adopt it.

Sometimes all you have to do to change something that was a bribe into an un-bribe is rephrase. Instead of, "You won't get X until you eat Y," you could say, "I'll know you're ready for X when you eat Y." It also doesn't sound so negative, so the kid has a better chance of responding positively. Since you were going to give them the dessert anyway, it isn't a bribe, but the kiddo gets the message that whether or not they get dessert is in their control and they know what they have to do to get it.

I don't know how old the kids are or how angsty they are, but you could also try giving some choices. With younger kids often all you have to do is give a simple choice, such as, "Before you get down from the table, would you like to eat five bites or six bites?" or some other easy choice where you are happy with either choice they make. ("Do you want my help or do you want to do it yourself?")

I too struggle with the picky eaters. And krebscout, what's to judge? Two-year-olds are hard.

[Dragon Lady]

DL, you may find this article interesting:

http://www.npr.org/2011/02/14/133629227 ... r-approach

I did! I've read several things similar to that, in fact. Which is probably the reason why I think the way I do about it.

TBS, I did something similar. Sort of. I just told her, "You don't have to eat it. I don't want to make you eat something you don't like." "Can I eat watermelon, then?" "Watermelon is for anyone who eats their lunch." When I had her eat four more bites (with me counting) she ate it with gusto and even seemed to like it. (Which makes sense, since I know she loves cheese sandwiches.) So I'm sure it really is just a power struggle. And a block in her head saying, "I don't want to like this, thus I don't like it."

[thebigcheese]

When I was a kid, I think my main reason for refusing food was because it looked and/or smelled funny (chicken tetrazzini...what the heck is THAT?). I also refused certain foods (mostly vegetables) because my brothers and sisters didn't like them. And for a while, I got really tired of hamburgers because my mom would make them so freaking often...so I would ask for hot dogs instead. It would be interesting to probe the mind of a child and find out what they're thinking. I think sometimes, they really don't have a solid reason for refusing the food. They're just moody or something.

But I've heard that it's easier to get kids to eat using peer pressure -- if the other kids around them are eating something, they'll be more likely to eat it too. Anybody got experience with that?

[bobtheenchantedone]

I do, tbc. Everyone in my family is a picky eater, and it is especially noticeable in my 12-year-old and 7-year-old sisters. They will do just about anything to eat what they don't want to eat. My 12-year-old sister frequently makes herself pb&j sandwiches so she can avoid dinner or heat up a can of green beans so she won't have to eat the mixed veggies.

My youngest sister (who just turned three), is a different story. I've seen her refuse some food I made, just as her older sisters were doing. However, when I sat her down after her sisters had run off, she happily finished the plate. Also, when she's out with me and Marduk, she will eat anything we put in front of her, including monster sandwiches with all sorts of stuff on them (Marduk's idea of a good sandwich is of the "everything and the kitchen sink" variety).

[Seb]

I would like to note that it is perfectly appropriate and quite beneficial to offer some choice in the matter--for example, allow your child to choose which vegetable to eat for dinner. This does not work for every age or particular child, but it has been stressed repeatedly in most of my classes. Research and practical applications support this majorly.

I also want to explain from the perspective of a picky eater...
1) Many kids can only handle bland food. Note that I didn't say they only want bland food, but that that's all they can handle. While it's not exactly the same, this can be likened to only being served food that is far too spicy for you to physically handle. This isn't the majority of kids, just thought I'd throw it out there.
2) Another thing that isn't necessarily a problem for the majority of kids, but is important--food allergies and/or sensitivities. Food makes me sick. All the time. As a kid I was being forced to eat food that my body literally couldn't digest, or that was literally harming me. Like I said, this isn't the majority of picky-eater cases, but if your child is gluten-sensitive (not even necessarily allergic)...oh man, that stuff is in absolutely everything. If your child is lactose-intolerant (the majority of humans are), milk is also in a surprising amount of food!

For the most part it's a matter of parenting and simply waiting it out. I totally agree with TBS's choice of wording, that is absolutely the way to go. I just want to make sure that y'all are aware of other possibilities, just in case

[Rifka]

I loved Seb's response. Did you know that kids actually have more tastebuds than adults? That may explain some of the reason they are so picky. However, they are always changing, so it's good to periodically go back and try foods they wouldn't eat a few months/weeks/years before. You never know what will happen.

Also, I know this was mentioned before, but presentation really is key. Oftentimes if food is cut into bite-size pieces or arranged in fun arrangements, kids will be more likely to eat it. You can use cookie-cutters to cut sandwiches into fun shapes. Kids love that. Mini muffins are also always a big hit. And, fun designs like arranging the food on their plate in a smiley face or fun shape can get them really excited to eat something they normally wouldn't touch.

I hope a few of those help. I'm not a parent yet, but I have worked in daycares and preschools and taken many of the child development/parenting classes (back when I was planning on majoring in ECE). Kids can be super variable and I'm sure you parents out there are doing your best. Good luck (and definitely let us parents-in-preparation know if you find any great ways to get picky kids to eat)!

[NerdGirl]

By sheer coincidence, I came across something yesterday that referred to this:
http://www.sheknows.com/food-and-recipe ... adaptation
which talks about picky eating as possibly an evolutionary adaptation that led toddlers to avoid foods that were potentially harmful. Very interesting.