I feel like this should start "Dear Sky Bones," because she is my main audience for empathy here.
For those who don't have a MIL they struggle with, the background is that mine is very controlling and opinionated. She firmly believes that the only purpose of a marriage is to produce children, and the only thing a woman should ever do is have as many kids as possible and never do anything for herself. Things like hobbies, working out, dressing nice or having friends are sins to her. And because her kids were/are her entire life, she wants them as close as possible. If her kids moved away for jobs, she commented on how much they needed to move back home every single time she spoke to them. If local sons mention a tool they are going to buy, she will buy a nice one and say they just need to come and borrow hers, no need to have your own.
My current problem is that she is winning. And the more she wins, the more I want to move out of state and never have another kid just because I hate watching everyone follow her like ducklings. <deep breath> Okay, I'm not actually going to do that just to spite her, but it makes me want to.
Basically, she has guilted them all enough that the last of the seven children is moving "home" next week. She will now have all of her kids in Salt Lake and Utah valleys. And I just found out that two more of my sister-in-laws are pregnant, making three at the moment, and more importantly making us the only couple not to have a child born within one year of marriage. Obviously, their family planning is none of my business as much as mine is not theirs, but I have some rather large concerns with some of them. One of the sister-in-laws is the only income (she is a phsychologist) while husband is aimlessly in school. The other family lives in an apartment that my lazy brother-in-law decided to renovate, demolished, and has yet to reconstruct a single thing or pick up any of the broken pieces, last I was there. I'm never been one to say you need to have all your wants taken care of first, but I was honestly scared to have my toddlers in that apartment, and have no idea how they are going to have a place for the baby to crawl in time.
But I digress. That topic goes in the Pauper Babies thread.
Here's my real problem: watching someone whose values are so opposite of mine become giddy over family members making what I see as mistakes (turning down better jobs because they want to move "home", having kids as close together as possible despite any obstacles in the way) makes the independant soul inside of me want to rebel in every way. But unfortunately, our lives are lining up with her plan no matter how much I hate it. We have a really good job in Utah county, so it's not like I can leave. And, as mentioned months back in another thread, we're probably going to have another kid soon, no matter how much I really don't want to. I feel like I have as much choice here as a box of crackers on a conveyer belt at the grocery store.
I know this post sounds really angry, and I am not generally an angry person. This has just been something that I try to keep tucked away and try to not let it bother me, but it just really upset me to hear about two more pregnancies this week. And knowing that I could be pregnant anytime and make her even MORE happy is really, really upsetting me. There is just a part of me that wants her to learn that people can still be good if they don't live 3 minutes from your house or have a child every 14 months. And whether because they want to on their own, or because she has brainwashed them slowly over their entire lives, none of her other children are going to demonstrate that for her.
I have no idea what advice I am even looking for, but . . . help?
Mother-in-law rant
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TheAnswerIs42
- Posts: 962
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Re: Mother-in-law rant
Man, that sounds like a tough situation! I don't have problems with my mother-in-law, but I do know what it's like to be frustrated with a manipulative person. It's not fun at all.
Since it looks like you'll have to live with her, try to think of one thing you can admire about your mother-in-law. I guess I'm having a hard time believing that she has absolutely no hobbies... maybe her hobby is shopping for clothes or tools her kids need? How well do you know her? If you're not absolutely certain that you hate everything about her, try to get to know her better (maybe go grocery shopping with her). Maybe she actually does have a sense of humor, or maybe she grew up in a household where she couldn't rely on her parents being there for her. Finding some explanation for her behavior might make it easier to understand (even if it's as frustrating as ever). It's also possible that even if you get to know her better, you still won't like her or understand her any better.
Confide in your husband (though I'm guessing he already knows about your feelings). It sounds like you could use his support.
Finally, I would suggest praying for guidance and reading the scriptures until you find something that applies, as trite as it sounds. I really think it will help.
Since it looks like you'll have to live with her, try to think of one thing you can admire about your mother-in-law. I guess I'm having a hard time believing that she has absolutely no hobbies... maybe her hobby is shopping for clothes or tools her kids need? How well do you know her? If you're not absolutely certain that you hate everything about her, try to get to know her better (maybe go grocery shopping with her). Maybe she actually does have a sense of humor, or maybe she grew up in a household where she couldn't rely on her parents being there for her. Finding some explanation for her behavior might make it easier to understand (even if it's as frustrating as ever). It's also possible that even if you get to know her better, you still won't like her or understand her any better.
Confide in your husband (though I'm guessing he already knows about your feelings). It sounds like you could use his support.
Finally, I would suggest praying for guidance and reading the scriptures until you find something that applies, as trite as it sounds. I really think it will help.
Re: Mother-in-law rant
I don't suppose you've ever talked to her about any of these things? I'm not recommending it; you're a far better judge than I am of whether your relationship can take that kind of thing.
I'm guessing you've prayed for guidance? I definitely know the feeling of wanting to go against the plan...even if you agree with the plan...just for the sake of...rebellion, I guess. Asserting your independence. I think that my husband and I both went through a milder form of that when we lived with his parents for a few months. And this is the pot telling the kettle not to be black here, but I think those feelings just have to...be let go. And you seem to think so, too, though I know it's hard. There's a lot of ego and pride wrapped up in all this on both sides. You've got to live your life the best way you know how, and if that happens to overlap with her plan for you in an irritating way, well, there's not much you can do about it, right?
Now for a completely personal and optional question: maybe I missed it, but why are you having a baby if you don't want to?
I'm guessing you've prayed for guidance? I definitely know the feeling of wanting to go against the plan...even if you agree with the plan...just for the sake of...rebellion, I guess. Asserting your independence. I think that my husband and I both went through a milder form of that when we lived with his parents for a few months. And this is the pot telling the kettle not to be black here, but I think those feelings just have to...be let go. And you seem to think so, too, though I know it's hard. There's a lot of ego and pride wrapped up in all this on both sides. You've got to live your life the best way you know how, and if that happens to overlap with her plan for you in an irritating way, well, there's not much you can do about it, right?
Now for a completely personal and optional question: maybe I missed it, but why are you having a baby if you don't want to?
Re: Mother-in-law rant
One thing I can see in this rant (and it's something that I have a hard time with, myself) is that you're looking at things in a very all-or-nothing / black-and-white kind of way.
For example, you say that she's "winning" because she got all her kids to move back to the Wasatch Front, but, by your own admission, the reason you live in Utah County is that you have a good job, here, not because your MIL wants you to. So, instead of thinking of the situation as she's "winning" if you live near her, but "losing" if you move away, remember that your choices are based on other factors, entirely, such as living close to where you have a good job. And if you can tell yourself, over and over again, "I live in Provo (?) because we have a good job here. I live in Provo because we have a good job here. I live in Provo because we have a good job here," then you can give yourself a secure foundation for decision-making that has nothing to do with her.
Another thing my mom taught me when dealing with people who were being cruel or manipulative is to have a good response and become a broken record with it. So, when my mom was taking a lot of crap from people about not having more kids (for reasons that were none of their business), she used to tell herself "I don't have children to please other people. I don't have children to please other people. I don't have children to please other people." She was ready to use that line as a response to anyone who gave her a hard time, but as soon as she started saying it to herself, people actually stopped bothering her about it. (I don't know if saying it to herself affected her poise or bearing or the fabric of the universe or just gave her a steely "don't mess with me" glint in her eye, but it's an interesting effect.) The other thing about becoming a broken record is that it helps you avoid getting pulled into an argument (if you do end up having to use the line), because you're giving the same response, over and over again, instead of letting yourself be baited.
So, think of some of the things she says or does that drive you nuts and come up with things you can say to yourself (and potentially to her) that would clearly stake out your position as making your own choices for your own reasons and not based on what she wants. (Be warned, she's likely to get very angry if you start calmly telling her that you're going to make your own decisions for your own reasons, but it will be good for her and good for the rest of the family to have to face the idea that the kids don't have to do what she wants all the time.)
For example, you say that she's "winning" because she got all her kids to move back to the Wasatch Front, but, by your own admission, the reason you live in Utah County is that you have a good job, here, not because your MIL wants you to. So, instead of thinking of the situation as she's "winning" if you live near her, but "losing" if you move away, remember that your choices are based on other factors, entirely, such as living close to where you have a good job. And if you can tell yourself, over and over again, "I live in Provo (?) because we have a good job here. I live in Provo because we have a good job here. I live in Provo because we have a good job here," then you can give yourself a secure foundation for decision-making that has nothing to do with her.
Another thing my mom taught me when dealing with people who were being cruel or manipulative is to have a good response and become a broken record with it. So, when my mom was taking a lot of crap from people about not having more kids (for reasons that were none of their business), she used to tell herself "I don't have children to please other people. I don't have children to please other people. I don't have children to please other people." She was ready to use that line as a response to anyone who gave her a hard time, but as soon as she started saying it to herself, people actually stopped bothering her about it. (I don't know if saying it to herself affected her poise or bearing or the fabric of the universe or just gave her a steely "don't mess with me" glint in her eye, but it's an interesting effect.) The other thing about becoming a broken record is that it helps you avoid getting pulled into an argument (if you do end up having to use the line), because you're giving the same response, over and over again, instead of letting yourself be baited.
So, think of some of the things she says or does that drive you nuts and come up with things you can say to yourself (and potentially to her) that would clearly stake out your position as making your own choices for your own reasons and not based on what she wants. (Be warned, she's likely to get very angry if you start calmly telling her that you're going to make your own decisions for your own reasons, but it will be good for her and good for the rest of the family to have to face the idea that the kids don't have to do what she wants all the time.)
Re: Mother-in-law rant
Seconded. (I remember some discussion about this previously, but I don't remember the details.)krebscout wrote:Now for a completely personal and optional question: maybe I missed it, but why are you having a baby if you don't want to?
Re: Mother-in-law rant
Ah, I think I found the post you referred to: http://www.theboardboard.org/viewtopic. ... 563#p17563
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TheAnswerIs42
- Posts: 962
- Joined: Mon Apr 02, 2007 1:13 pm
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Re: Mother-in-law rant
Thank you for all the reponses, guys! I appreciate that you took the time to read through my rant.
I'm an in-law, and therefore one of the evil people that stole he child, so - no. But I have watched her own children, including her favorites, talk to her about this a few times, and they didn't get anywhere. She absolutely believes in those values to her core.
I have a sinking feeling that is the only answer out there. My husband agrees with me on all of this - he thinks his mom is nuts, and shares my family planning views - but he just doesn't let it bug him. To him, he just doesn't care what she thinks. And while I'm trying to let it go, I really do care.
Katya probably has a good point with the broken-record. While I don't think it will chance my core problem, since the family that believes I am currently sinning because my kids are so far apart will be happy that I have "repented" when I get pregnant no matter what I say to them, maybe it will help remind me about what is important.
And yes, that is the thread I was talking about. To re-cap, we are having another child because every time I thought about chucking the baby storage stuff I got really anxious about it, and only finally relaxed when I told my husband I was willing to try again. If I had a testimony right now, I guess I would call that a prompting. But when I believe that God is behind that decision, it makes me angry enough to not want to pray about it or anything else. I prayed about it before, and no matter how I fasted about it I never got the actual desire for a kid. The fact that I am expected to do this with no desire is rather infuriating.
So, that might be a bigger core problem, to be honest. I'm not really going to pray for guidance in this instance because I don't want to be told that having a kid is the right thing to do. It will only make me more upset at the church, so I am trying to just ignore it for now, so I don't lose what shred of a testimony I have over it.
Maybe I am mad at God and my Mother-in-law, since I feel like they are on the same team on this issue. Huh. MIL is certainly easier to get mad at. I guess that is an epiphany, but I don't know what to do about that. I just don't like feeling pressured to turn into some Molly-Mormon, pregnant with a zoo of little one screaming around her mom when that isn't what I want out of life. Some people love little toddlers and preschool games and crafts and everything, and I just don't. They are cute, and I'll do the best I can with the ones I have, but it isn't my personal interest. It is something I force myself to do the best I can with.
There are things I like about her. I don't mean to make it sound like she is a terrible human being. While I think she takes it too far, I do wish I was more selfless with my kids sometimes like she is. So even the thing I hate is something I admire, because I really do appreciate things that she does for me and our family. I just don't agree with her values.Whistler wrote:try to think of one thing you can admire about your mother-in-law.
You'd be amazed. She honestly believes that enjoying something for herself is a sin. But the key to anything getting better in that family was that a few years ago, after many horrible depression cycles when her kids "abandoned her" to go on missions and get married, she discovered family history. That is now her one and only hobby, and it has saved all of us. It aligns with her values - devoting time to family - but doesn't involve us.Whistler wrote: I guess I'm having a hard time believing that she has absolutely no hobbies...
krebscout wrote: I don't suppose you've ever talked to her about any of these things?
I'm an in-law, and therefore one of the evil people that stole he child, so - no. But I have watched her own children, including her favorites, talk to her about this a few times, and they didn't get anywhere. She absolutely believes in those values to her core.
krebscout wrote: I think those feelings just have to...be let go.
I have a sinking feeling that is the only answer out there. My husband agrees with me on all of this - he thinks his mom is nuts, and shares my family planning views - but he just doesn't let it bug him. To him, he just doesn't care what she thinks. And while I'm trying to let it go, I really do care.
Katya probably has a good point with the broken-record. While I don't think it will chance my core problem, since the family that believes I am currently sinning because my kids are so far apart will be happy that I have "repented" when I get pregnant no matter what I say to them, maybe it will help remind me about what is important.
And yes, that is the thread I was talking about. To re-cap, we are having another child because every time I thought about chucking the baby storage stuff I got really anxious about it, and only finally relaxed when I told my husband I was willing to try again. If I had a testimony right now, I guess I would call that a prompting. But when I believe that God is behind that decision, it makes me angry enough to not want to pray about it or anything else. I prayed about it before, and no matter how I fasted about it I never got the actual desire for a kid. The fact that I am expected to do this with no desire is rather infuriating.
So, that might be a bigger core problem, to be honest. I'm not really going to pray for guidance in this instance because I don't want to be told that having a kid is the right thing to do. It will only make me more upset at the church, so I am trying to just ignore it for now, so I don't lose what shred of a testimony I have over it.
Maybe I am mad at God and my Mother-in-law, since I feel like they are on the same team on this issue. Huh. MIL is certainly easier to get mad at. I guess that is an epiphany, but I don't know what to do about that. I just don't like feeling pressured to turn into some Molly-Mormon, pregnant with a zoo of little one screaming around her mom when that isn't what I want out of life. Some people love little toddlers and preschool games and crafts and everything, and I just don't. They are cute, and I'll do the best I can with the ones I have, but it isn't my personal interest. It is something I force myself to do the best I can with.
Re: Mother-in-law rant
For the record, I'm not on anyone's side, but I am absolutely positive God isn't declaredly on one person's side here. Almost certainly both of you have room to move toward the center; it sounds like your mother has some attachment issues (from the way you describe them, I would say they're serious attachment issues.) The hardest part is not letting it effect you personally and recognizing that you're both wrong and both right sometimes makes that a bit easier.
Re: Mother-in-law rant
Dear TheAnswer,
I have much I want to talk with you about, but not time to do so now. I'm afraid it will come across all unsolicited-advicey, while really you're the one who's older, wiser, and more experienced. A lot of it is pretty personal, too. Wanna email? Maybe we can help each other.
krebstar.twothousand@gmail.com, if you'd like.
I have much I want to talk with you about, but not time to do so now. I'm afraid it will come across all unsolicited-advicey, while really you're the one who's older, wiser, and more experienced. A lot of it is pretty personal, too. Wanna email? Maybe we can help each other.
krebstar.twothousand@gmail.com, if you'd like.
Re: Mother-in-law rant
Oh, also, my greatest respect for you for being a mom even when it's hard. I'm positive it will be something you look back at as an enormous blessing. I know that does little to help right now, but just know that you have one internet fan rooting for you.
Re: Mother-in-law rant
Have you thought about asking her to help you with your family history? It might be a good, non-threatening way to establish a connection with her.TheAnswerIs42 wrote:You'd be amazed. She honestly believes that enjoying something for herself is a sin. But the key to anything getting better in that family was that a few years ago, after many horrible depression cycles when her kids "abandoned her" to go on missions and get married, she discovered family history. That is now her one and only hobby, and it has saved all of us. It aligns with her values - devoting time to family - but doesn't involve us.Whistler wrote: I guess I'm having a hard time believing that she has absolutely no hobbies...
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NerdGirl
- President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club
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Re: Mother-in-law rant
I wish I had something helpful for you, but all I can say is that I really hope things get better! My brother's mother-in-law can be pretty bad, but in the last couple of years she's had a new husband so she's been pretty absorbed with that instead of telling my brother and SIL how every single thing they do is completely wrong (if hearing other people's horror stories makes you feel better, let me know and I'll be happy to share some). Maybe your MIL will get really obsessed with family history and take the focus off of you a bit. Or maybe she could become a temple work and work a lot of shifts. Or maybe she and your FIL should go on a mission. And I also have great respect for you for being a mother even though it's really hard for you and not necessarily what you want.
Re: Mother-in-law rant
42! Sorry I am only getting to this now. I just got in from Utah yesterday and life has been a little hectic. I am also pleased to say that I managed to be in Utah for five days without my in-laws even knowing. 
(I know almost all of you are going to think I'm a horrible person for saying such a thing... but I know 42 truly understands my pain here, so back off. 
Thanks.)
Really, we ought to get our MILs together so they can be best friends because it honestly sounds like they're the same exact person. I guess the biggest difference would be that while all five of her other sons (she doesn't have any daughters) live within minutes of her home, they are all also single (and inactive), and most of them dealing with some pretty serious "mom" issues. (Almost like Oedipus, but not as extreme... well, not yet anyway.) The oldest son in the family used to be married but he was divorced two years ago pretty much because of my MIL. His wife desperately needed to get out of Utah and away from her MIL, while he couldn't stand the thought of doing that to his mom because of how much it would depress her. I really wish I was making this up as a way to scare someone... but I'm not. It's what really happened. (And I would know, my former sister-in-law is one of my best friends.)
I will admit that my MIL is the one topic that my husband and I have actually, literally argued about. It was around our two year anniversary and I was just starting to drown. I was pregnant, about to graduate and move to Japan, and I just couldn't take it anymore. She was so manipulative and bitter. He just didn't understand why I would think his mom was such an "evil" person. Don't worry-- we never argue about this topic anymore. Once he moved away from Utah, his entire perspective changed. My husband didn't understand how stifling and, well, obsessive his mom was until he had distanced himself from her. It was seriously one of the happiest moments of my life when he finally said, "I understand now and I completely agree with you, [Sky Bones]." Really, it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
Of course, their (meaning both my MIL and FIL, but don't get me started on him...) way of "dealing" with me now, this awful, terrible person that took their son and granddaughter so far away from them, is to pretend like I don't exist. I'm not sure how to explain it, but whenever my husband has any contact with them, skype, e-mail, etc., they simply don't acknowledge my existence at all. And if my husband ever brings me up in conversation with them, they just silently wait till he's done and then completely change the topic. It's really... bizarre.
Okay, this turned into my own personal in-law rant, and I apologize. I just have so much more to say. 42, shoot me an e-mail or PM and I will set you up with my "real life" e-mail address/gchat and/or phone number. I wish we had had more time to talk at the reader party. I feel like we could just spend hours talking about this topic since our MILs really seem like they're the same person. I just keep trying to tell myself that she's doing what she thinks is best and she really is trying to be a good person, her ways just clash with mine... but she still just makes me want to scream and pull my hair out sometimes.
I know you said this isn't much of an option for you, but getting out of Utah was the best thing for our marriage. It just released so much tension to not have her constantly hovering over us anymore, judging our every decision and action. Seriously, message me and we will discuss. Please.
(I know almost all of you are going to think I'm a horrible person for saying such a thing... but I know 42 truly understands my pain here, so back off. Thanks.)Really, we ought to get our MILs together so they can be best friends because it honestly sounds like they're the same exact person. I guess the biggest difference would be that while all five of her other sons (she doesn't have any daughters) live within minutes of her home, they are all also single (and inactive), and most of them dealing with some pretty serious "mom" issues. (Almost like Oedipus, but not as extreme... well, not yet anyway.) The oldest son in the family used to be married but he was divorced two years ago pretty much because of my MIL. His wife desperately needed to get out of Utah and away from her MIL, while he couldn't stand the thought of doing that to his mom because of how much it would depress her. I really wish I was making this up as a way to scare someone... but I'm not. It's what really happened. (And I would know, my former sister-in-law is one of my best friends.)
I will admit that my MIL is the one topic that my husband and I have actually, literally argued about. It was around our two year anniversary and I was just starting to drown. I was pregnant, about to graduate and move to Japan, and I just couldn't take it anymore. She was so manipulative and bitter. He just didn't understand why I would think his mom was such an "evil" person. Don't worry-- we never argue about this topic anymore. Once he moved away from Utah, his entire perspective changed. My husband didn't understand how stifling and, well, obsessive his mom was until he had distanced himself from her. It was seriously one of the happiest moments of my life when he finally said, "I understand now and I completely agree with you, [Sky Bones]." Really, it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
Of course, their (meaning both my MIL and FIL, but don't get me started on him...) way of "dealing" with me now, this awful, terrible person that took their son and granddaughter so far away from them, is to pretend like I don't exist. I'm not sure how to explain it, but whenever my husband has any contact with them, skype, e-mail, etc., they simply don't acknowledge my existence at all. And if my husband ever brings me up in conversation with them, they just silently wait till he's done and then completely change the topic. It's really... bizarre.
Okay, this turned into my own personal in-law rant, and I apologize. I just have so much more to say. 42, shoot me an e-mail or PM and I will set you up with my "real life" e-mail address/gchat and/or phone number. I wish we had had more time to talk at the reader party. I feel like we could just spend hours talking about this topic since our MILs really seem like they're the same person. I just keep trying to tell myself that she's doing what she thinks is best and she really is trying to be a good person, her ways just clash with mine... but she still just makes me want to scream and pull my hair out sometimes.
I know you said this isn't much of an option for you, but getting out of Utah was the best thing for our marriage. It just released so much tension to not have her constantly hovering over us anymore, judging our every decision and action. Seriously, message me and we will discuss. Please.
Re: Mother-in-law rant
One thing I've learned from being in the position of feeling betrayed by God is that even angry contact with him is better than no contact. So, when I've been in the position of feeling that I couldn't trust God enough to ask for inspiration (because I was scared that following his guidance would screw my life up in completely new ways), I have sometimes still prayed by telling him how upset and angry I was with him and how alone I felt because I couldn't trust him.TheAnswerIs42 wrote:To re-cap, we are having another child because every time I thought about chucking the baby storage stuff I got really anxious about it, and only finally relaxed when I told my husband I was willing to try again. If I had a testimony right now, I guess I would call that a prompting. But when I believe that God is behind that decision, it makes me angry enough to not want to pray about it or anything else. I prayed about it before, and no matter how I fasted about it I never got the actual desire for a kid. The fact that I am expected to do this with no desire is rather infuriating.
So, that might be a bigger core problem, to be honest. I'm not really going to pray for guidance in this instance because I don't want to be told that having a kid is the right thing to do. It will only make me more upset at the church, so I am trying to just ignore it for now, so I don't lose what shred of a testimony I have over it.
Angry prayers have never solved the things I was angry about (the ramifications of which I'm still dealing with, many years later), but they've let me keep in touch enough to have some very comforting experiences which let me know that God was still mindful of me in other ways. (Culturally, we're raised with the idea that it's wrong to be angry at God, but, like I said, I've found that angry communication is still better than no communication. As my mother is fond of saying: "It's OK to be mad at God. He can take it.")
If you feel like your MIL, with her incredibly dysfunctional personality, somehow has Right on her side, or if you feel like God cares as little about your happiness as your MIL does, I can easily see why you'd be twisted up in knots over your current situation.TheAnswerIs42 wrote:Maybe I am mad at God and my Mother-in-law, since I feel like they are on the same team on this issue. Huh. MIL is certainly easier to get mad at. I guess that is an epiphany, but I don't know what to do about that.
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NerdGirl
- President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club
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Re: Mother-in-law rant
I completely agree with this.Katya wrote: One thing I've learned from being in the position of feeling betrayed by God is that even angry contact with him is better than no contact. So, when I've been in the position of feeling that I couldn't trust God enough to ask for inspiration (because I was scared that following his guidance would screw my life up in completely new ways), I have sometimes still prayed by telling him how upset and angry I was with him and how alone I felt because I couldn't trust him.
Angry prayers have never solved the things I was angry about (the ramifications of which I'm still dealing with, many years later), but they've let me keep in touch enough to have some very comforting experiences which let me know that God was still mindful of me in other ways. (Culturally, we're raised with the idea that it's wrong to be angry at God, but, like I said, I've found that angry communication is still better than no communication. As my mother is fond of saying: "It's OK to be mad at God. He can take it.")
Re: Mother-in-law rant
On behalf of the Association of People without Heinous In-Laws Who Are Nonetheless Reading This Thread, I think I can safely say that no one here thinks you're a horrible person.Sky Bones wrote:I am also pleased to say that I managed to be in Utah for five days without my in-laws even knowing.
Sheesh. Although a similar thing happened to my cousin, actually (except that is was his wife's mom, not his mom).Sky Bones wrote:The oldest son in the family used to be married but he was divorced two years ago pretty much because of my MIL. His wife desperately needed to get out of Utah and away from her MIL, while he couldn't stand the thought of doing that to his mom because of how much it would depress her. I really wish I was making this up as a way to scare someone... but I'm not. It's what really happened. (And I would know, my former sister-in-law is one of my best friends.)
I don't know the details of your specific situation, 42, but I agree that it may be worth it to look for another job so that you can move, even if the new job isn't as good as the old one. (Of course, given the current economic climate, finding any sort of new job may simply not be an option.)Sky Bones wrote:I know you said this isn't much of an option for you, but getting out of Utah was the best thing for our marriage. It just released so much tension to not have her constantly hovering over us anymore, judging our every decision and action.
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NerdGirl
- President of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club
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Re: Mother-in-law rant
Yeah, when my bro's MIL moved, so many things got better. For one thing, she could no longer come over all the time and go around their house looking for dust and telling them how filthy they were and listing off all of the things that they were doing wrong. Even if moving isn't an option for you right now 42, maybe you can at hold out hope that some time in the future either you guys or the MIL will move somewhere else and take some comfort in that.Sky Bones wrote: I know you said this isn't much of an option for you, but getting out of Utah was the best thing for our marriage. It just released so much tension to not have her constantly hovering over us anymore, judging our every decision and action.
And Sky Bones, I know what it's like to have people that it's best to avoid, so I can only say excellent job on managing to spend 5 days in Utah without your in-laws finding out. That sounds like a major accomplishment to me!
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TheAnswerIs42
- Posts: 962
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Re: Mother-in-law rant
Sorry for the delay on my replies, but I have wanted to make sure I address all of your wonderful comments, and don't always have the time to do so.
First of all, I will probably take krebscout and Sky Bones up on their offers soon, so thank you for that.
Wired, thank you for being my internet fan. You're probably right, that God isn't on one side or the other here. I guess I just feel like I'm being told what path He wants for me, and it isn't one I wanted for myself. That makes me feel like we're on opposing sides, even if it probably is for my own good in the end. I guess I would rather swim over the scary part than listen to someone I don't trust and swim through it? (Okay, I have officially watch Nemo far too many times now.)
Nerdgirl and Sky Bones, thank you for the MIL horror stories. Mine doesn't look quite as bad in that light, actually. She is opinionated and controlling, but not usually mean to our faces, thank heavens. And while she has a habit of not caring about in-laws blatently (the differences in the way she treats us makes me laugh), she's never pretended that I don't exist. That is terrible.
Katya, maybe I should try angry prayer. It might be better than none at all, I guess. I think I just stopped wanted to open that conversation when I got an answer I didn't care for. I don't feel any need to keep that dialogue going - He knows what I asked for, He told me what I need to do instead, I don't like it, but I'm doing it anyway. But that doesn't make like it. But I haven't felt like pushing the issue would change anything. I'm not sure what I would be hoping to acheive by praying about it more, or what I would ask for. Does that make sense?
As for moving away, I'm not sure that would solve so much. It really isn't a smart move, in any event - we LOVE my husband's job, love our project house that is nowhere near sellable yet, and there just isn't a big enough problem to make it worth it, most days. I am SOOO grateful that my husband feels the same way about his mother that I do. As Sky Bones said, that makes all the difference in the world. He stays in contact enough that she doesn't come looking for us, but lets her focus on her other kids and keeps our lives as private from her as we can. Between all the recent marriages in the family, her temple work days, family history work, RS calling, and especially the family of toddlers that lives in her house, she really stays out of our life for the most part. I would feel much, much worse about this if I was married to one of the ones she insists on talking to every single day. In fact, the day that this collapse happened - when she gleefully told me about the two other pregnancies in the family and I panicked- I had stopped by because I was in the area and had an hour to kill, so I brought my daughter over to play with her cousins. On my own! By my own choice! So, while things there will never be a good relationship, things could be so much worse. Not worth moving over.
I think one of the great things about this thread - not only in hearing your answers, but taking the time to type out things and decide how to condense it all to put on here - is that it has really helped me think about what is ACTUALLY bugging me here. My MIL is, and always will be, a source of stress in my life, but maybe that isn't the real problem here. Perhaps it really does come down to me accepting another pregnancy, whenever it comes, and ALL of the consequences that come with it - the sleepless nights, the hectic schedule, AND my MIL being proud of us "repenting". I tried to focus on something I thought would be a positive consequence this week and go car shopping. (Three kids in car seats means the Escort has got to go.) But even after my husband negotiated a good deal on one we really liked, I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't let go of my little car and the idea of my little family. I told him we just have to wait until the stick has two lines before I am ready to commit to it. He swears I am already pregnant, but I'm going to wait a few more days before I take the test. We'll see.
Anyway, thank you all for your help - I do appreciate it. It is really odd how the process of typing out your feelings to strangers can be cathartic, but it really has helped. Maybe what I really need to focus on is how to accept feeling like Heavenly Father wants me to be someone I don't want to be. Let me know if you guys have any more thoughts!
First of all, I will probably take krebscout and Sky Bones up on their offers soon, so thank you for that.
Wired, thank you for being my internet fan
. You're probably right, that God isn't on one side or the other here. I guess I just feel like I'm being told what path He wants for me, and it isn't one I wanted for myself. That makes me feel like we're on opposing sides, even if it probably is for my own good in the end. I guess I would rather swim over the scary part than listen to someone I don't trust and swim through it? (Okay, I have officially watch Nemo far too many times now.)Nerdgirl and Sky Bones, thank you for the MIL horror stories. Mine doesn't look quite as bad in that light, actually. She is opinionated and controlling, but not usually mean to our faces, thank heavens. And while she has a habit of not caring about in-laws blatently (the differences in the way she treats us makes me laugh), she's never pretended that I don't exist. That is terrible.
Katya, maybe I should try angry prayer. It might be better than none at all, I guess. I think I just stopped wanted to open that conversation when I got an answer I didn't care for. I don't feel any need to keep that dialogue going - He knows what I asked for, He told me what I need to do instead, I don't like it, but I'm doing it anyway. But that doesn't make like it. But I haven't felt like pushing the issue would change anything. I'm not sure what I would be hoping to acheive by praying about it more, or what I would ask for. Does that make sense?
As for moving away, I'm not sure that would solve so much. It really isn't a smart move, in any event - we LOVE my husband's job, love our project house that is nowhere near sellable yet, and there just isn't a big enough problem to make it worth it, most days. I am SOOO grateful that my husband feels the same way about his mother that I do. As Sky Bones said, that makes all the difference in the world. He stays in contact enough that she doesn't come looking for us, but lets her focus on her other kids and keeps our lives as private from her as we can. Between all the recent marriages in the family, her temple work days, family history work, RS calling, and especially the family of toddlers that lives in her house, she really stays out of our life for the most part. I would feel much, much worse about this if I was married to one of the ones she insists on talking to every single day. In fact, the day that this collapse happened - when she gleefully told me about the two other pregnancies in the family and I panicked- I had stopped by because I was in the area and had an hour to kill, so I brought my daughter over to play with her cousins. On my own! By my own choice! So, while things there will never be a good relationship, things could be so much worse. Not worth moving over.
I think one of the great things about this thread - not only in hearing your answers, but taking the time to type out things and decide how to condense it all to put on here - is that it has really helped me think about what is ACTUALLY bugging me here. My MIL is, and always will be, a source of stress in my life, but maybe that isn't the real problem here. Perhaps it really does come down to me accepting another pregnancy, whenever it comes, and ALL of the consequences that come with it - the sleepless nights, the hectic schedule, AND my MIL being proud of us "repenting". I tried to focus on something I thought would be a positive consequence this week and go car shopping. (Three kids in car seats means the Escort has got to go.) But even after my husband negotiated a good deal on one we really liked, I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't let go of my little car and the idea of my little family. I told him we just have to wait until the stick has two lines before I am ready to commit to it. He swears I am already pregnant, but I'm going to wait a few more days before I take the test. We'll see.
Anyway, thank you all for your help - I do appreciate it. It is really odd how the process of typing out your feelings to strangers can be cathartic, but it really has helped. Maybe what I really need to focus on is how to accept feeling like Heavenly Father wants me to be someone I don't want to be. Let me know if you guys have any more thoughts!
Re: Mother-in-law rant
speaking of pregnancy tests... you can buy them in bulk really cheaply on amazon. Just so everyone knows!
Also, I'm happy that you've been able to sort out your feelings about the whole thing, even if some of those feelings are ambiguous.
Also, I'm happy that you've been able to sort out your feelings about the whole thing, even if some of those feelings are ambiguous.
Re: Mother-in-law rant
You know, one of my favorite bits from the book 'The Alchemist' was in the foreward, where the basic idea is that it's the small, chronic pains, annoyances, and problems in life that end up sapping more enjoyment and pleasure than the big things, because we tend to address the big things more directly because they're big, while the small things we tend to shrug off and say, "I can deal with it. It's not a big deal." So I guess my point with that is that if it's something that's causing you stress, 42, it's a big enough deal to be addressed, regardless of how your problems stack up against anyone else's.
Also, have you looked into doing any kind of therapy or counseling? When you started talking about being mad at God, a light went off in my head as it reminded me quite a bit of a conversation I had with my therapist a few months ago. Or would you trust your bishop to be able to give you unbiased counseling? I'm sure some bishops might see things more like your MIL, ie, if you don't want to have kids you're sinning, but I suspect that the majority of them are aware that every person in their ward is an individual with individual feelings, experiences, and concerns.
Lastly, Sky Bones, I've come to realize that judging anyone off of a single statement they make without any background on the statement, mostly just ends up pointing back at me as being ignorant and judgmental. How would it be if everyone who leaves comments on web news stories could realize that?
Also, have you looked into doing any kind of therapy or counseling? When you started talking about being mad at God, a light went off in my head as it reminded me quite a bit of a conversation I had with my therapist a few months ago. Or would you trust your bishop to be able to give you unbiased counseling? I'm sure some bishops might see things more like your MIL, ie, if you don't want to have kids you're sinning, but I suspect that the majority of them are aware that every person in their ward is an individual with individual feelings, experiences, and concerns.
Lastly, Sky Bones, I've come to realize that judging anyone off of a single statement they make without any background on the statement, mostly just ends up pointing back at me as being ignorant and judgmental. How would it be if everyone who leaves comments on web news stories could realize that?