Dear John?

[Defy V]

(This is about Question 65094 http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/65094/)

I am surprised by how few of the writers know of successful waiting stories. It definitely seems to be more common if they dated in high school (I think of my close high school friends H&L, M&M, R&B, J&M, and K&N, to name a few), but I know a few who met at college (even knowing each other just one semester) and then waiting (J&D, C&R, H&D, B&L, some people in my older sister's freshman ward). Am I just hanging around a different group than the Board writers?

And to be fair, only 2 writers responded, and the responses to the question referred to in this question (http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/64996/) were not serious, so my sample size is skewed. But still.

[Dragon Lady]

My story was not a success story. (But with a twist for the ending. I was still around when he got back, but then he broke up with me at his homecoming. Joke's on him, though. I'm married and he's not. Bahaha.)

My brother has 3 (semi-related) unsuccessful stories. The girl that didn't wait for him on his mission, the girl who had a missionary and he couldn't pull her away from waiting (they got married, if your curious, but later divorced), and the girl who went on a mission and he was mad at her for it (he would have married her, but she was determined to go on a mission) but forgave her by the end, but nothing happened when she got home.

My cousin pretended to be my brother's girl back home and had some amazing Dear John-esque letters between them. That was hilarious. But that doesn't count, since they were really cousins.

I'm trying to think of other people I know that waited for missionaries, but I'm coming up short. There's Waldorf and Sauron, but they've been mentioned already. I keep getting vague memories of other people who waited and it worked, but I can't grasp onto them. So sorry, I'm adding to the list of didn't work stories.

[mic0]

I had an unsuccessful waiting story. My grandparents, on the other hand, had a successful one! And my cousin is currently on a mission and so far (3 months) her boyfriend is still waiting. One of my brothers was broken up with by his girlfriend like three weeks before he went to the MTC.

Anyway, I'm kind of surprised that neither of the writers who answered mentioned Cognoscente. He waited for his girlfriend and now they are married.

[TheAnswerIs42]

Mine was not successful. Well, actually, I'm sure it turned out the best for all people involved. Missionary broke up with me before he went and said I wasn't supposed to wait for him. I had zero dating prospects for a year, so I kept writing to him a lot. And then I noticed in his letters that he called me his girlfriend a couple of times. When questioned, he said that one of his companions kept egging him on that "she's still your girlfriend, look at how much she writes you!" etc, so it slipped out.

That was right about when I started dating my husband. Poor hubby and I went through a lot of breakups because neither of us wanted to do the "Dear John" thing - he said he hated girls that he saw do that when he was out - but in the end, we didn't want to stay away from each other either. And technically, Missionary broke up with me before he left, so technically he didn't have room to complain. As if that counts.

Missionary is now married with three kids though, so I don't feel so bad. His wife is really cute, and from what little I have heard they seem happy.

I have no stories of people who waited and then got married. But I do have a few of people who met on their mission and started writing/courting once they got off their mission.

[Dragon Lady]

Anyway, I'm kind of surprised that neither of the writers who answered mentioned Cognoscente. He waited for his girlfriend and now they are married.

Well, neither of the writers that answered really knew him, I don't think.

[Sky Bones]

Mico, you could've mentioned him.

[C is for]

I kind of wanted to start this thread, because like Deefy I can think of more success stories than seems usual. Not as many as she can, though. Something about her group of friends, I guess.

There is the one going on right now, where the couple dated in high school, then he went on a mission, she successfully did not marry anyone else, but went on a mission before he got home, and he's waiting for her now. 's sweet. I actually thought for a while that their family would make a habit of waiting for missionaries; their oldest son got married to a girl who waited for him, now the next son is waiting for a girl...but the next daughter broke up with her high school boyfriend before he even went on a mission. She's dating someone that looks just like him, though! Does that count?

My life is riddled with mission-waiting successes. Well, failures. There's the one from freshman year who came home after 7 months and let me dump him over the phone instead of in a letter. There's the one I never dated but figured it might be nice to when he got home, so I wrote very faithfully (and so did he!) but so far hasn't gone anywhere so isn't likely to. Then there's the one I dated seriously for the summer before he went on his mission and wrote pretty well for a while, until I got tired of writing him (his grammar was poor, okay? When all I've got is letters I start being all judgy if he can't write). We went on a couple dates after he got back but I just was not into the idea of a relationship with him. And it's fine because there's probably been about 2 months total since he's gotten back that he hasn't had some girlfriend or another, so I didn't wreck him for life like I did my first boyfriend.

They're successes because I waited for all of them! Or at least wasn't married when they got home! Mostly failures, though.

[C is for]

Ooh, I thought of another story.

There was a girl in my ward, and she liked this boy a lot. He was really cute so I understood what she saw in him. She got along pretty well with his family, too. She was dead set on waiting for him, even though they never kissed. Did they even hold hands? I don't know. There was something weird about the relationship and lack thereof.

Anyway, so she wrote him faithfully and I often got to hear about how excited she was for him to get home, how hard it was for him to be on a mission, etc., so forth. Counting down the days...

A week or so after he got back I chatted with her and she said it was over with him. He had no interest in a relationship with her and was not the sweet, cute guy she knew before his mission. So she had to try to get over him after those years of devotion (I could so sympathize!!).

But here's the thing though: He never wrote her. Not once, his entire mission. If that was the kind of treatment I'd been getting from a missionary I would have to question it. And I'm surprised she didn't. Anyway, when I found that out I wasn't as surprised the relationship didn't work out.

That's my story!

[mic0]

@SkyBones - clearly I'm not SO surprised to actually do something about it.

[Tao]

...she successfully did not marry anyone else...

Success is so oddly defined in many of these stories, no?

I've a story to tell; a good friend of my family was high school sweethearts with his wife, served his mission, she dated around and didn't find anyone who seemed to fit better than him, so he got back rip rarin' to get married, and she shot him down and went on a mission herself. I get the impression that he waited a bit more than she did, but still dated some, also finding no one else that fit better.

Their kids grew up listening to the stories of their relationship, so when their eldest dated the same guy pretty seriously throughout all four years of high school, I wondered if something similar wouldn't happen again. As it turns out, he just didn't go on a mission and they got hitched not long after graduation. I still have a hard time trying not to question their decision.... it has shown me a side of myself I was previously unaware of.

[Dead Cat]

My grandma sent a boy out on his mission. She met my grandpa at a stake dance a week later. You can guess what happened.

[krebscout]

Anyway, I'm kind of surprised that neither of the writers who answered mentioned Cognoscente. He waited for his girlfriend and now they are married.

Well, neither of the writers that answered really knew him, I don't think.

Not that this matters really, but both of them know him. I am an eye witness of the fact.

Yeah, Sauron and I are a success story. I didn't "wait" for him (I dated a little while he was gone) but I was rather transparent about my attachment to him. His parents are another success story. As for my parents, my dad didn't serve a mission - they got married before my mom even graduated high school. Yeah, Tao, it doesn't sound good, but for some people it can work out just fine.

[Dragon Lady]

"Didn't really know him" = "Didn't know him well" I know Cognoscente. I follow him on Facebook. I say hi when I see him. He used to work at the same place as Yellow. But I don't know him well. So his story didn't even cross my mind, even when I was searching my memories for stories, until Mico mentioned him. That's all I'm saying. Not that they never met him, but that I don't think they were buddy-buddy with him.

[Portia]

[Edited for length and some measure of privacy.] When I was an RA, I was an avid reader of the Daily Universe, and there was a hi-lar-i-ous letter to the editor which was less a response to world problems and more a rant to "leave us girls who are truEly waiting for our missionaries alone and stop being such downers, whine whine." It was a chef d'oeuvre of the form of ridiculous letter to the DU. I knew her "missionary," and he was a very decent, cool guy who shared the bus with me. I had a good laugh and predicted that that relationship would be toast in four months, tops. A few months later, I started dating a guy who had very recently returned from his mission (a mistake I am not likely to repeat!).

I was obsessed with my conquest of this man, who was thin, good-looking, bright, ambitious, and probably seriously emotionally stunted (as any reader of Jane Austen can tell you, the perfect man!!). Within a fortnight, I became the dumpee and he had fallen prey to . . .

DAILY UNIVERSE GIRL!!!!

!

Spurning the affections of her missionary, she decided that she would rather shamelessly throw herself at my boyfriend. The strategy worked, and within a year, after a hiatus, they were engaged and promptly wed.

[Defy V]

Wow . . . I guess I'm hanging around different people than the rest of you! Granted, for all 10 of those couples I listed who did work out, I know like 30 who didn't work out, so most people don't wait.

And Portia . . . wow. I wonder how their marriage is going.

[Katya]

I still have a hard time trying not to question their decision.... it has shown me a side of myself I was previously unaware of.

? (What's the side of yourself it's shown you?)

[Katya]

Am I the only one who thinks it's significantly different if a guy waits for a missionary than if a girl waits for one?

[mic0]

Different in what way? (Yes, I think it is a lot different. I'm just curious why you think so. )

[Katya]

Different in what way? (Yes, I think it is a lot different. I'm just curious why you think so. )

1. Age difference.

People change a lot in their late teens and early 20s and being just 2 or 3 years older can make a big difference in personality and maturity.

2. Flipped gender norms.

The idea of a girl waiting for a missionary plays into some gender stereotypes of girls passively waiting for Prince Charming to show up. Those norms don't apply to guys, which brings different cultural motivations into play.

3. LDS cultural norms.

Guys are expected to go on a mission, which I think can make it easier to put off thinking about some hard relationship issues. I.e., if a freshman guy knows he's going on a mission, he doesn't have to worry about marriage, because he knows he's going to be leaving soon. And if he's dating some girl when he leaves and they really like each other, then it's not a huge deal if she decides to wait for him because, again, he doesn't actually have to make any decisions about this for another two years. And then he gets back and suddenly there's nothing standing in the way but he realizes this actually isn't what he wanted. (I've seen this same situation play out with people who were dating before one of them went on study abroad, actually.)

Girls, on the other hand, aren't expected to go on a mission (particularly not if they're dating someone seriously), which means that the choice to serve is more active than passive, and I think that affects the entire relationships. (Of course, one could argue that if the girl was really that interested in the guy, then she wouldn't go on a mission at all. I think there is some truth to that, but I've also seen a number of counterexamples.)

[Tao]

I still have a hard time trying not to question their decision.... it has shown me a side of myself I was previously unaware of.

? (What's the side of yourself it's shown you?)

While I'm fully aware that many can do just fine getting married just out of high school and/or without serving missions for various reasons. I doubt I could ever find a better match for my sister than her husband, who chose not to serve a mission. Yet for some reason this particular marriage I had a very hard time accepting. (To those reading who don't know me, I'm a very laid-back accepting-type guy. In some cases frustratingly so, I am told.) Maybe being the youngest in my family and being very close to this family has allowed me the adopted emotional ties of an older brother role without any of the clout that usually goes with; I don't know. All I do know is that I got more hung up over that particular engagement than I have on anything else in recent memory, up to and including my own marriage.

Weird.