Howdy + relationship question

[ahem.]

Hey everyone! It's been a while!

I kind of just stopped in to see how the Board's possibly-impending-doom turned out. Glad to see we dodged the bullet. I figured I'd check in with everybody while I am here.

Life's changed a lot in the last six months. I got engaged. I moved to a new apartment. I went through the temple. I just got offered a brand new job.

And, actually... if anybody wants to play psychologist, I have been trying to figure something out about my relationship with my fiance. I love him. If I don't see him for a long time, I miss him. I enjoy spending time with him and doing things together. We spend a lot of time and evenings together, which is normal for an engaged couple.

When it comes to the end of the night (however early or late that may be), I am ALWAYS the one kicking him out. If I gave him the chance, he would basically never leave me.

But sometimes I find myself wishing we were apart very early in the evenings. Some evenings I'll start thinking, "Okay, when is the earliest possible time I can convince him to let me go home? 8:30? Maybe 8? Man, I really wanna finish reading that book/take a long bath/watch that show/do my laundry. Think I can push it to 7:30?"

Other evenings I don't really think that far ahead, but somehow we'll come to a point where I'm thinking (or saying), "So... what's the plan here? Are we just gonna keep cuddling forever, or...? Maybe you should go?"

It's not as pronounced when we have a planned activity that goes later in the evening. But if our date ends early, I'm just not a huge fan of hanging out not doing anything afterward. If I'm not doing anything, I want to be by myself. And he never wants to be by himself. Sometimes he comes over in the mornings before he works, again on his lunch break, and then as soon as classes are over, we usually have something planned to do together.

So. Is he clingy? Or am I too private/independent/standoffish? Or both? We've talked about it several times, and can't really figure it out. Half the time I don't know why I want him to leave. And I feel bad always kicking him out, but he has a really hard time being the one to initiate the farewell sequence.

We're also concerned about how this will change when we are married and living together. Will it get easier? Harder? The same, but with different challenges?

It's just so frustrating because I don't know why I am feeling the way I do, and while he understands I want space, he always makes me ASK for it because he hates being apart that much. And asking makes me feel guilty.

Who has some advice or observations to make me feel better? I am eager to hear them.

[NerdGirl]

I have no experience with marriage, but I do enjoy playing psychologist. Here are my thoughts.

-You probably need a lot of private time, and while that may be uncommon, I don't think it's pathological. I am much the same (which is probably why I think it's not abnormal).
-It will probably be different once you are living together because living together is different from visiting. When someone comes over, you feel an obligation to entertain them, no matter how close the relationship is. When you live together, you're both at home, so you can do your own thing without feeling like you want the other person to go away. And he seems really into you, which is awesome but maybe less awesome for you than for him because you enjoy alone time, but once you've lived together for awhile the novelty will wear off a bit and he might start to want some alone time too and then you can go take a bath without feeling like you're abandoning him.

And congratulations on your many life changes!!!!

[Dragon Lady]

Yellow and I were somewhat similar. Except I was the cuddly/needy one. And he liked to cuddle, but it bored him after hours of it. He'd often end up pulling out his laptop and doing nerdy programming things. First, I would suggest planning more things. Have little things you can suggest doing when you just get sick of cuddling. Going on a walk, baking cookies, watching a movie, etc. Or even just talk stuff. Get one of those books that are just a list of questions to talk about before you get married. Whenever you get bored of cuddling, pull it out and answer questions. Perhaps if you add more doing-something activities, you'll feel less of just wanting to be alone. Not that wanting to be alone is bad at all. But it's something you can do if you WANT to spend more time with him without being bored with the cuddling.

Second, from the married perspective, your relationship changes. Once you spend all of your evenings together for long enough, you stop needing to be cuddly/touching all the time. Heck, You don't even need to be in the same room. It might start by you reading your book while he does homework while on the same couch with your feet on his lap or something. Then in a month or two, he'll stay up watching TV while you read your book in your room. If you get pregnant, that'll change things dramatically, too. For one point with Dragon Baby 2.0, I couldn't stand the smell of him towards evening. So cuddling was out unless he showered twice a day. Also, kissing made me nauseous. Our physical relationship changed a lot that first trimester. Our evening activities changed, too, when I started going to bed early and sleeping in late because I was just so stinking exhausted. After a few months of getting into a different physical relationship, it changed our long-term physical relationship. I mean, not in a bad way. It just transitioned us from honeymoon stage to married stage. Right now we're in the same room, but both of us are on our computers and our backs are to each other. (Just because of the way our desks are currently set up.)

So, as long as you two keep talking about it, I'd say it isn't much to worry about.

[bobtheenchantedone]

This sounds somewhat like me. Marduk and I spend a lot of time together (I mean a LOT of time together) and sometimes I look forward to my Thursdays and Fridays, when I have a day and a half away from him. (Other times I spend a good 5-10 minutes whining about missing him.)

Usually I look forward to my free days because of work. I can get most of my work done while with him, since I have a laptop and carry my current orders/projects with me at all times, but I do often get less work done while with him. I get distracted by what he's playing, we stop to have a conversation, we spend an hour at a restaurant instead of my usual 15 minutes for lunch, etc. Also, there are some things that I can only get done at my house, where I have space and leisure to pull out my hundreds of threads and design new bracelets. Or the privacy to warm up and sing full volume.

[Whistler]

My husband is very clingy sometimes! Once I whined that I missed having my own room, and that made him sad :-/. But since we're apart all day I can have my alone time in the afternoon, and we usually do separate things part of the evening too. Of course there is the problem of getting sick of clinginess, and then not wanting to cuddle makes the other party want to cuddle even more... a vicious cycle! But yeah... I guess my advice would be to be clear about what you want to do ("I want to watch an episode of "Pushing Daisies" tonight"), and maybe try to work him in to your plans?

[Marduk]

A few points on clinginess vs. solitude:

A lot of how we perceive this has to do with the habits we've developed, and they aren't really set in stone. I'm guessing that based on your description, you are used to living alone or with very few people, and generally not being around people. When you are, it is with small groups and for set periods of time? I'm guessing that fiance is used to living with others and/or large gatherings that are less definite and structured? Am I getting anywhere close?

The short answer to doing anything about it revolves around changing social habits, which will, in a manner of speaking, increase clinginess or decrease it in his case. If you spend more and more time around groups of people, especially in a living environment (and I'm talking directly involved, not reading a book in your room while the other person watches t.v. in the living room) that will increase the desire for and tolerance of close situations.

I'm not dismissing personal proclivities here, but I think they are less influential than we give them credit for.