Friends and Gender

[yayfulness]

My best friend's boyfriend gets back from his mission in a week and a half. (Yes, I'm a guy whose best friend is a girl who has a boyfriend. Don't judge.) I'm really happy and excited for them, but I also keep remembering John 3:29-30. I know our friendship can't be the same once he's home, and that's only right and appropriate. I'm glad this isn't happening until I'm about to go back to Provo.

[Unit of Energy]

It always sucks when my best friend is dating someone. Not that I'm not happy for him, but that I haven't yet found my best friend that I get to keep.

[yayfulness]

Yep. That's a good way of putting it.

[Fredjikrang]

Agreed. Also, I am no good at becoming friends with guys. They are just so. . . not interesting.

[Unit of Energy]

I feel bad for my friend. I'm pretty sure that he broke up with his gf this week. But him being out of state and not really one to talk to me about his relationships I don't know for sure. We are close, but I am so glad that he doesn't discuss his relationships with me, given our somewhat odd past.

And seriously, why do I always have best friends that are guys? Well, except for my one roommate.

[yayfulness]

Agreed. Also, I am no good at becoming friends with guys. They are just so. . . not interesting.

And seriously, why do I always have best friends that are guys? Well, except for my one roommate.

I've actually thought about this a lot. With the exception of two friends from high school, a couple mission companions, and a couple roommates, I don't really have any close guy friends. And even then, I feel a lot more comfortable talking to girls, whether I'm mildly interested in them (which is the strongest I've felt in a long time) or not interested at all, particularly if the topic is anything weighty or serious. Guys are more like business partners. (Even if that business happens to be video games.) And with the exception of guys who are a central part of your everyday life, guy friends are easily replaceable, whereas there's more meaning attached to even platonic friendships with girls. I'm guessing the inverse is more or less true for girls.

[Marduk]

No, generally speaking, it isn't. There are exceptions, as there will be exceptions to any rule, but we're aculturated as males to only seek meaningful relationships with females, whereas women seek meaningful relationships out of both genders. Without getting too in-depth, it has to do with the ways we are taught to communicate, and the way we are taught to percieve the male psyche. Tangentially, this is also why divorce, as a general rule, is much more emotionally damaging to men than it is to women.

[yayfulness]

Interesting.

And the more I think about it, the more sense it makes.

[Fredjikrang]

I'd like to hear some opinions of the ladies of the boardboard on the subject.

[UffishThought]

Though I initially find guys more interesting and connect more easily with them (partly because I'd rather talk about bugs and rock climbing than about dresses and nail polish, and partly because my biological clock won't shut up), once I get to know both men and women better it evens out. Turns out not all women (or even most of them) are all about fashion and beauty. Plus, I've learned that many women have the same insecurities I have, and sometimes our incompetence about stereotypically "girly" things can be a bonding point. For me, this quote by C.S. Lewis that says that "friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one" is very true. I don't feel excessively feminine, and that makes me uncomfortable, but when I find other women who feel the same way, I feel closer to them. And the more I get to know women, the more it's true. There are a few wonder-women out there, but I'd guess most of Pinterest just WANTS to be fitter and more feminine looking and better homemakers, but doesn't actually feel like they've achieved those things.

In a similar vein, I'm not sure how much of this is nature and how much is culture, but I expect to be more comfortable talking about cooking and housework and crushes and children with other women, because I think they'll be more interested since those are things that a higher percentage of women have experience with. There are always exceptions to the rule (and I might have more guy confidants than most women do) but I also do feel like there's something missing from my life when I don't have a few close girlfriends. Though I sometimes hate the execution, I think this is what Relief Society is trying to accomplish. Most women ultimately need other women in their lives. For friendship, for validation, for inspiration, for confidences, for social support, and so on. Women can be great friends.

But men, as I've said, are more immediately interesting to me. Especially if they have (good) beards. Mmm.

[Zedability]

I find it's usually easier to be friends with guys. I always seem to stick my foot in my mouth around girls and they never let me forget it.

Also, beards are gross.

[UffishThought]

Also, beards are gross.

My instinct is to fight you on this, but I think it's in my best interest to let your delusions stand, so that I can take your share of well-bearded men.

[Zedability]

Good point. You hear that everyone? Beards are attractive. You don't want the clean-shaven men. Leave them all for me!

[bobtheenchantedone]

Also, beards are gross.

False.

And if you won't take my word that beards are not gross, then know this: I'd rather kiss a bearded man than one who, clean-shaven, looks like my brother. No thank you. (Seriously, Marduk, never shave again.)

[bobtheenchantedone]

I'd like to hear some opinions of the ladies of the boardboard on the subject.

Not only is it that men are only allowed to make meaningful relationships with women, but a man is apparently supposed to have only one of those relationships at a time. That's why Marduk said that divorce is harder on men - they only had that one woman, and once she's gone what can he do? And I'm not just parroting what he says. He's been catching a lot of heat lately for being friends with my sister, and has before gotten in some trouble for having other close lady friends, because apparently that threatens our relationship somehow. My family even finds it a little strange that he's so close to his sisters.

[Fredjikrang]

But how do you feel? Are you better at being friends with guys or girls?

[TheAnswerIs42]

For me, the answer has changed over time. I grew up with 5 brothers, and so living in the dorms my freshman year was a shock to the system. I preferred guy friends, when I could find them, because they made more sense to me than the hormonal, drama queen mess I saw around me. Since I got married and now have a male best friend at all times, I find myself looking for friendship in other young mothers like me. Being friends with a guy right now would be not only weird to me, but unnecessary.

[Whistler]

I have some friends that are guys and I'm usually friends with their wives too, or we knew each other when we were single.

[bobtheenchantedone]

But how do you feel? Are you better at being friends with guys or girls?

Honestly? I'm not currently good at being friends with anyone. As terrible as this may sound, I currently have more female friends simply because Marduk and I hang out with females more often, and the friends I do have are either mutual with him or his friends that I have also become friends with (yes, I'm making a distinction between the two).

[Genuine Article]

I don't have many close friends, but they're almost exclusively girls. That said I'm always a bit wary of making friends with girls, if only because they can be needy and irrational, which I don't know how to handle. I need friends who are low maintenance.

Like 42, living with girls in college was a shock to my system, but not because I hadn't been exposed to girls. I grew up with six sisters, but I never bonded with them over girly things, so I feel like I still don't quite know how to speak "girl." I guess you could say I have a hard time connecting to people on an emotional level.

I've always envied guys, who seem to have an endless supply of buddies, and can be best friends with someone they've just met. It takes me years to get to a point where I can be good enough friends with someone to confide in them. I'm currently in a position where I ought to make new friends, but I don't want to because it's just too much work.