My brother is the bomb. Mathlete, artist, chemist, mission to Paris. We both played piano, rocked spelling bees and science fairs, love French, read voraciously, did debate, and can be quite blunt and sarcastic.
My sister is-a-driving-me a-crazy! She's developed this attitude problem. If I like something, I swear she has to do the polar opposite. Hates spelling, science, competition, pushing herself. A list of things she apparently has no interest in:
Nutcracker, although she takes ballet
Tap dancing (my brother is a Fred Astaire)
Calendars/keeping her room in some semblance of order
BYU (LOL, fine by me, kid)
a mission (ditto)
piano
getting good grades
not being a hypochondriac and skipping school
starting Young Women's/girls' camp
returning defective items BEFORE wearing them to parties???
the one that freaks me out - going beyond Utah's $hi##y language requirements and mastering some foreign language, any language! (habla español if you must be different!)
I just don't know how to be a good role model to someone who is starting to drive me nuts with her brattiness, her constant need for attention (she resembles Rapunzel and I don't think the constant attention on her looks has done her any favors), her chip on her shoulder that my brother and I like school. I was an angel at her age. I was also very pre-pubescent. Is puberty really this bad?! Is it bad that I just LIKE my brother and late mother more than I like my (step-) dad and sister??
PS - a couple of days ago, my brother started teasing her, saying she looked just fine bouncing away on the trampoline after being "sick" earlier in the day. I agreed, and she spat out that she hated us. I was surprised how much it hurt. I had gotten her the perfect Christmas gift, a signed copy of the book that was on the top of her list. My brother never treated me that way even when I annoyed him plenty (he still shudders thinking of the Monopoly gulag I would put him through, ha).
aren't sisters fun?
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bobtheenchantedone
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Re: aren't sisters fun?
I'm going to be blunt, but apparently you are yourself, so you can handle that, right?
You need to calm down. You freaking out about how your stepsister isn't exactly like you and your brother makes me feel sorry for her, not you. It seriously scares you that some pre-teen/early teenager doesn't want to learn another language? You can't fathom why someone who does ballet doesn't like every ballet ever written? You're shocked that someone that young isn't organized and thoughtful? You don't care that she doesn't want to go to BYU or on a mission and yet it bothers you that she isn't looking forward to YW's Camp? And worst of all, you want to dislike her because she isn't interested in tap dancing (but my brother is such a good dancer!!) or piano (but my brother and I both did it!!) or because she's acting, well, like a normal kid going through puberty (but I was such an angel at that age!!)
Even if she is liking/disliking things based on how you feel about those things (by the way, people who aren't you are totally allowed to like/dislike things that you dislike/like for no other reason than that they're not you), it's probably less to specifically annoy you and more because she is bothered by the chips on your shoulder.
You're the adult here. Try some unconditional love. Try thinking of things from her perspective - she's young, her body is going through all sorts of changes, she doesn't have much in common with older step siblings who appear to be very close to each other, her stepmother has passed away, and instead of getting support she's getting teasing (no matter how good-natured, at that age there's always a better option) and plain old disappointment for not being someone else. She probably doesn't like some of those things about herself (disorganization, struggling in school, etc.) but looking down on her for it isn't going to help.
Or if that was too harsh for you, let me just offer some perspective. My 22-year-old brother refuses to even accept an invitation to have lunch with me and is only polite to me at family gatherings by ignoring me. Two of my brothers, 20 and 17, are struggling to find a place in life and have contemplated suicide, and yet usually lash out when offered sincere advice or offers of help. My 14-year-old sister develops smothering relationships with animals and people outside the family because everyone else mostly yells at her, and due to her mother's obsession with exercise, eating, and weight may be developing an eating disorder. My 8-year-old sister is on ADHD medication but is probably autistic instead, but my mother is struggling with largely-untreated depression so it's easier to double my sister's medication dose to make her docile than consult doctors and therapists to work out lasting solutions. And instead of getting annoyed by all this, I've been trying to love and understand everyone (though I did have to move out of my parents' house to preserve my own sanity). You've got it easy - assuming there's a loving and understanding environment at home (including everyone realizing that she's allowed to not be a copy of you and your brother), your sister will eventually grow out of the attitude.
You need to calm down. You freaking out about how your stepsister isn't exactly like you and your brother makes me feel sorry for her, not you. It seriously scares you that some pre-teen/early teenager doesn't want to learn another language? You can't fathom why someone who does ballet doesn't like every ballet ever written? You're shocked that someone that young isn't organized and thoughtful? You don't care that she doesn't want to go to BYU or on a mission and yet it bothers you that she isn't looking forward to YW's Camp? And worst of all, you want to dislike her because she isn't interested in tap dancing (but my brother is such a good dancer!!) or piano (but my brother and I both did it!!) or because she's acting, well, like a normal kid going through puberty (but I was such an angel at that age!!)
Even if she is liking/disliking things based on how you feel about those things (by the way, people who aren't you are totally allowed to like/dislike things that you dislike/like for no other reason than that they're not you), it's probably less to specifically annoy you and more because she is bothered by the chips on your shoulder.
You're the adult here. Try some unconditional love. Try thinking of things from her perspective - she's young, her body is going through all sorts of changes, she doesn't have much in common with older step siblings who appear to be very close to each other, her stepmother has passed away, and instead of getting support she's getting teasing (no matter how good-natured, at that age there's always a better option) and plain old disappointment for not being someone else. She probably doesn't like some of those things about herself (disorganization, struggling in school, etc.) but looking down on her for it isn't going to help.
Or if that was too harsh for you, let me just offer some perspective. My 22-year-old brother refuses to even accept an invitation to have lunch with me and is only polite to me at family gatherings by ignoring me. Two of my brothers, 20 and 17, are struggling to find a place in life and have contemplated suicide, and yet usually lash out when offered sincere advice or offers of help. My 14-year-old sister develops smothering relationships with animals and people outside the family because everyone else mostly yells at her, and due to her mother's obsession with exercise, eating, and weight may be developing an eating disorder. My 8-year-old sister is on ADHD medication but is probably autistic instead, but my mother is struggling with largely-untreated depression so it's easier to double my sister's medication dose to make her docile than consult doctors and therapists to work out lasting solutions. And instead of getting annoyed by all this, I've been trying to love and understand everyone (though I did have to move out of my parents' house to preserve my own sanity). You've got it easy - assuming there's a loving and understanding environment at home (including everyone realizing that she's allowed to not be a copy of you and your brother), your sister will eventually grow out of the attitude.
The Epistler was quite honestly knocked on her ethereal behind by the sheer logic of this.
Re: aren't sisters fun?
They're my half-siblings. We all have the same mother; I had a different biological father but was raised by their father. It's true that my brother and I are very close - so close, in fact, we made no bones at 12 and 6 that we weren't particularly thrilled about our changing family dynamic. Everyone teases in my family; she's just going to have to develop a thick skin.
Yes, all of those things you said are true. I didn't claim they were the best (I'm not her parent, but an absentee sibling), but yes, that's exactly true. It is hard to fathom - she couldn't be more different from me. She makes no effot to hide her disdain for my interests. I try to love her and literally get hatred spat at me.
There is an overall positive home environment: she and my dad are pretty much the same person (minus the teen girl 'tude); she wasn't nearly as close to our mom. I don't really know what "normal" is - again, it's hard to overstate how amazing my brother is. He never was "normal," he always was fantastic. I not only like him and enjoy his company, I admire him. And I have since he was a kid.
I just feel like my dad lets her do whatever the hell she wants. I saw it with kids I tutored - when you're overindulged after a family upheaval (and believe me, I get it, I've lost not one but two biological parents now, it sucks!), and don't stick to the routine, then all these little things become big things. I just am a more strict person, and think she has a case of "princess syndrome." My brother was devastated, but you don't see him lashing out at people and skipping school. I guess I just don't know much about "typical" people that age. All I know is it drives me nuts, and maybe we'd be best served by just spending more time apart til she grows out of her brat phase. And yes, bob, I was an angel at that age; I had perfect grades, many talents, and was a whole hell of a lot nicer than she is. But yeah, I wasn't going through mourning or puberty. I never claimed to be a child psychologist. But seriously - we can't tease her? That's just part of being a child sibling of adults, dude, your siblings will share jokes and memories and experiences you don't even get. I liked her better when she was 3.
Yes, all of those things you said are true. I didn't claim they were the best (I'm not her parent, but an absentee sibling), but yes, that's exactly true. It is hard to fathom - she couldn't be more different from me. She makes no effot to hide her disdain for my interests. I try to love her and literally get hatred spat at me.
There is an overall positive home environment: she and my dad are pretty much the same person (minus the teen girl 'tude); she wasn't nearly as close to our mom. I don't really know what "normal" is - again, it's hard to overstate how amazing my brother is. He never was "normal," he always was fantastic. I not only like him and enjoy his company, I admire him. And I have since he was a kid.
I just feel like my dad lets her do whatever the hell she wants. I saw it with kids I tutored - when you're overindulged after a family upheaval (and believe me, I get it, I've lost not one but two biological parents now, it sucks!), and don't stick to the routine, then all these little things become big things. I just am a more strict person, and think she has a case of "princess syndrome." My brother was devastated, but you don't see him lashing out at people and skipping school. I guess I just don't know much about "typical" people that age. All I know is it drives me nuts, and maybe we'd be best served by just spending more time apart til she grows out of her brat phase. And yes, bob, I was an angel at that age; I had perfect grades, many talents, and was a whole hell of a lot nicer than she is. But yeah, I wasn't going through mourning or puberty. I never claimed to be a child psychologist. But seriously - we can't tease her? That's just part of being a child sibling of adults, dude, your siblings will share jokes and memories and experiences you don't even get. I liked her better when she was 3.
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bobtheenchantedone
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Re: aren't sisters fun?
You're free to do whatever you want including tease her, but realize that she's going to continue to respond in a hostile way so maybe you should try acting in a way that won't make her lash out. What you don't seem to be realizing, again, is that she's her own person and can respond in any way she likes. Also, your actions toward her have consequences. If you love the teasing and sarcasm too much to tone it down out of kindness or love toward her, then yes, you should get the heck away from her until you can both be more mature.
Please don't assume that her grief should be anything like your or your brother's grief, or that she isn't allowed to react the way she has been. Once again, she is not you, and she is a lot younger than you and your brother. So give her some time and space to grieve how she wants to. If she is being spoiled in some way, then oh well - you don't live there, and it's her father who will have to continue to deal with her if she forms bad habits.
Yes, she is acting fairly "normally" or perhaps a better why to say it is that she's acting stereotypically. Most kids don't like school. A lot of middle children/younger children specifically go the opposite of other siblings to try to find some identity, especially if the other siblings are "known" for something (one of my sisters did this a lot, which is one of the factors leading to her being one of the most well-adjusted of the eight of us). A lot of children in blended/unusual families struggle with each other (the fact that you and your half-brother get along so well is only going to make things worse for her, and in turn lead her to differentiate herself more). Going through puberty is tough and confusing and most kids are not mature beyond their years to deal with it in a better way.
I was a golden child at that age too, and it led to many of the problems I have now (anxiety, guilt complex, intense difficulty making decisions that are not what "they" would want me to do, etc.) Also, some of the things I should have learned to deal with during puberty I have to deal with now instead. Congrats if it's done well by you, but don't assume that everyone would be better served by acting angelic.
Bottom line: you're the adult here, and you should be able to make allowances for her, give her space, and continue to love her no matter how she acts. That brother I mentioned, who still can't stand the idea of hanging out with me? I still reach out to him whenever possible and show him love and kindness even when he responds in a hostile manner (this is the same brother I mentioned a while ago, who no longer threatens me when I hug him but has progressed all the way to pretending it isn't happening).
Please don't assume that her grief should be anything like your or your brother's grief, or that she isn't allowed to react the way she has been. Once again, she is not you, and she is a lot younger than you and your brother. So give her some time and space to grieve how she wants to. If she is being spoiled in some way, then oh well - you don't live there, and it's her father who will have to continue to deal with her if she forms bad habits.
Yes, she is acting fairly "normally" or perhaps a better why to say it is that she's acting stereotypically. Most kids don't like school. A lot of middle children/younger children specifically go the opposite of other siblings to try to find some identity, especially if the other siblings are "known" for something (one of my sisters did this a lot, which is one of the factors leading to her being one of the most well-adjusted of the eight of us). A lot of children in blended/unusual families struggle with each other (the fact that you and your half-brother get along so well is only going to make things worse for her, and in turn lead her to differentiate herself more). Going through puberty is tough and confusing and most kids are not mature beyond their years to deal with it in a better way.
I was a golden child at that age too, and it led to many of the problems I have now (anxiety, guilt complex, intense difficulty making decisions that are not what "they" would want me to do, etc.) Also, some of the things I should have learned to deal with during puberty I have to deal with now instead. Congrats if it's done well by you, but don't assume that everyone would be better served by acting angelic.
Bottom line: you're the adult here, and you should be able to make allowances for her, give her space, and continue to love her no matter how she acts. That brother I mentioned, who still can't stand the idea of hanging out with me? I still reach out to him whenever possible and show him love and kindness even when he responds in a hostile manner (this is the same brother I mentioned a while ago, who no longer threatens me when I hug him but has progressed all the way to pretending it isn't happening).
The Epistler was quite honestly knocked on her ethereal behind by the sheer logic of this.
Re: aren't sisters fun?
Thanks for the feedback, bob. It's true that my brother and I are very Type A. I will admit that I have perfectionism/anxiety issues, some of which stem no doubt from being criticized a fair amount growing up despite jumping when told to jump. It's a classic Amy Chua-style story of the oldest pliantly going along with a tyrannical regime, and the youngest rebelling.
I guess when she screams at me, I'll just have to ignore her. Damn, when I talked back, I got grounded SO fast. My grandma (I am sort of my grandma's pet, tbh) asked me if she had ever been punished. I said "no," quite truthfully.
She is a good girl at heart. But I know that if we were in the same grade, we would not be friends.
I guess when she screams at me, I'll just have to ignore her. Damn, when I talked back, I got grounded SO fast. My grandma (I am sort of my grandma's pet, tbh) asked me if she had ever been punished. I said "no," quite truthfully.
She is a good girl at heart. But I know that if we were in the same grade, we would not be friends.
Re: aren't sisters fun?
so... my little brother and I are 5 years apart. When I was in high school, he was incredibly annoying, and it seemed like he didn't appreciate any of my interests. But now that we're older, he told me that he admired my dedication to music (which I never would have guessed, since he took to liking a different kind of music, and didn't learn an instrument). And now that I'm older, I can appreciate his expertise and interest in plants and nature. I guess I'm trying to say that it might get better, and it's okay if you like different things. 
Last edited by Whistler on Mon Dec 31, 2012 1:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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yayfulness
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Re: aren't sisters fun?
Just to second Whistler, I guess... my sister and I never had a good relationship growing up (I just found everything about her annoying), and for a couple years before my mission, my brother and I didn't have a terribly good relationship either (I suspect he just found everything about me annoying). After some enforced time apart courtesy of my mission, though, things started looking up, and I can report that the answers I've used from this question have been a spectacular success, particularly eating dinner together. So... like Whistler said, things could very well get better with time.