70863 Dealbreakers

[UffishThought]

http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/70863/

I can't tell if Chryssie is joking or not. Her dealbreakers and "must-do's" are surprisingly specific and the "if it happens even once, he's out" attitude makes me think it might be parody. But then again, there are no other indications it's a joke: the tone seems very sincere.

[Giovanni Schwartz]

If a woman has a list of dealbreakers, that's a dealbreaker for me.

[Chrysanthemum]

Giovanni=friendzoned.

I was joking in a "I'm dead serious" kind of way.

[UffishThought]

So, not joking? Or you know those are unusual dealbreakers but you're sticking to them anyway?

[Zedability]

Only my first five or so are ones I'd thought about before the question was asked, and those were mainly instituted in a reaction to a terrible relationship I had, as kind of a "I am never getting involved with someone like that again" kind of thing.

ETA: The rest of them aren't things where I'd be like, oh, you have X quality, dealbreaker! But they're ones where I really just think the relationship wouldn't work well without them, and we would break up naturally, without me ever specifically saying, this is a dealbreaker for me.

[Chrysanthemum]

As I was writing that answer, yayfulness was like "What if he doesn't order dessert?"
Honestly, it had never occurred to me that those were unusual. The whole "woman" thing is a little extreme, I probably wouldn't dump him the first time he said it. But I definitely would if he did it often. But as for the other things, they always seemed pretty normal to me.

[Squirrel]

As I was writing that answer, yayfulness was like "What if he doesn't order dessert?"

I think it's common to not order dessert. I'm usually full by the time it's dessert time. Am I in the minority here? How many of you guys order dessert?

[Whistler]

I personally would explain to a guy I was dating why he should never call me "woman." Then if he didn't respect my reasoning and wishes, I would feel okay dumping him.

[Zedability]

As I was writing that answer, yayfulness was like "What if he doesn't order dessert?"

I think it's common to not order dessert. I'm usually full by the time it's dessert time. Am I in the minority here? How many of you guys order dessert?

My mom is a dental hygienist, and my family makes such good desserts that restaurants rarely compare, so my dad doesn't like spending money on them. So, we almost never do.

Once my mom, sister and I went out to dinner, and afterwards my mom said "I would really like a chocolate bar or something." My immediate thought was, "Wait, you like candy?!" I was 17.

/off-topicness

[Chrysanthemum]

I personally would explain to a guy I was dating why he should never call me "woman." Then if he didn't respect my reasoning and wishes, I would feel okay dumping him.

See that's what I meant. I wouldn't just randomly dump a guy for doing something he didn't know bothered me. I feel like I worded that answer really badly because it made me sound like a crazy person. I'm really a reasonable person, but I do have high standards. And basically what those random situations come down to is him being a gentleman.

[Squirrel]

I personally would explain to a guy I was dating why he should never call me "woman." Then if he didn't respect my reasoning and wishes, I would feel okay dumping him.

See that's what I meant. I wouldn't just randomly dump a guy for doing something he didn't know bothered me. I feel like I worded that answer really badly because it made me sound like a crazy person. I'm really a reasonable person, but I do have high standards. And basically what those random situations come down to is him being a gentleman.

Hence the friend-zoning of Gio.

[Chrysanthemum]

Haha well I don't date guys from Arizona anyways (I'm totally kidding, btw. I'm sure Gio is a very nice person.)

[Portia]

Yeah, not normal to me. In fact, I think it may be safe to say that I want the polar opposite of Chrys's man. Skeptical. Colored shirts. Struggling enough to be "hungry." Crazy family, keep things interesting. Would call me all sorts of ridiculous things and tease me all the time. No car door to open. Would protect the last bite of dessert to the death.

(Of course, I'm not many men's list-girl, at that. One ex said it best: "she was what he had always wanted, beautiful, intelligent, and [screwed] up.")

[Portia]

Haha well I don't date guys from Arizona anyways :P (I'm totally kidding, btw. I'm sure Gio is a very nice person.)

!

a. no, he's not, and that's why we love him
b. more grand canyon state guys for me (the last three guys I've been involved with had ties)

[Squirrel]

Haha well I don't date guys from Arizona anyways (I'm totally kidding, btw. I'm sure Gio is a very nice person.)

Yes, Gio, I guess you're nice. Although you did rain on my parade. But you did call me "Squirrel, dear". So I guess I do owe you an apology.

[UffishThought]

+1 to Whistler! M-Lite and I were just discussing this. The offensiveness of "woman" varies from person to person, but respect should be universal. If it offends YOU, the guy you're dating has the right to be told so before you break thing off, but then he should respect your wishes.

I guess a lot of my confusion stems from the fact that so many of the dealbreakers on the list are things that would never be on my list--they just don't matter to me.

Examples: color of shirt at church. In my eyes, some people see a white shirt as a symbol and a gesture of respect, but some people show their respect and find their symbols elsewhere, and that's fine with me. I'm not fashiony enough to give a second thought to socks.

As for dessert (which I have ordered, but only rarely), I can't help but see that the other way. If I offered a guy some of my dinner, he refused, and then he demanded the last bite (which I carefully arrange so that my last mouthful, the one that sticks with me, is exactly what I want), I would be a little put off. If I said "nope, you missed your chance!" and ate it anyway, and he pitched a fit, I would think he's manipulative and needy and think seriously about ever going out with him again.

The closest I come is that I do really listen to my parents' advice. They're level-headed and know me well, and have always given me good advice in the past. It would take a LOT for them to even insinuate that they didn't like a guy. But if everything else were perfect, and they weren't telling me things like "I happen to know this man is a murderer, so you shouldn't marry him," I don't know that their disapproval would be enough to stop me.


P.S. I'd love an AZ guy. It would mean we might settle closer to my family, yayyyyy!

[Chrysanthemum]

I was trying not to insult someone I don't know well.

Also, all of this discussion has made me think that perhaps I was just describing someone without realizing it (who, for the record, gave me the last bite of dessert without my asking for it)

[bobtheenchantedone]

So both of Chryssie's dealbreakers have occurred in my current relationship. Marduk does call me "woman" on occasion, and while it bothered me a little at first I roll with it now. Not only is he Mexican ("mujer!" = perfectly acceptable thing to call your wife/girlfriend) but, as he said recently on this board, he doesn't find any form of humor inappropriate. More importantly, my parents both dislike him, assume that he doesn't like them, enjoy trying to argue with him, and blame him for having "corrupted" me. And I don't think I could possibly care less about their opinion of him. All the things they hate about him are things that either I really like or that I actually share, and I'm so much a better person for having known him and so happy with him that what anyone else thinks of our relationship is pretty much irrelevant.

Also, not at all an attack on Zed, but man am I glad Marduk didn't have a list like hers when he first started dating me. I was pretty much inactive, didn't have much of a testimony, my emotional and mental health issues were out of control, despite owning my own business my motivation was pretty low, and I didn't know how to think and struggled to even try. It's only through my relationship with him that I've been able to work on and even overcome these issues.

Not that I would recommend all people to get into this kind of relationship. I don't think many people can be this mature. He's had to have the patience of a saint to not only stay with me despite my issues but to help me through them, and I've had to be very open-minded and accepting of both new ideas and all kinds of humor to stay with him, as well as loving him despite his problems when he felt comfortable enough to let them surface. However, though this route has been difficult, not at all what I would have expected, and almost certainly not what I would have chosen had I known from the beginning, I cannot express how grateful I am that this is the relationship I have.

[Zedability]

Further to the last bite of dessert thing, my mom always saves her favorite parts of the meal for last, whereas my dad eats his favorite parts first. So he always assumes the things my mom saves for last are things she doesn't want, and steals them off her plate. It bugs her, but in more of a funny way than an annoyed way.

And yeah, I wouldn't do the dessert thing the same way as Chryssie. I have a rather inflexible rule set for myself that if I say something, the guy I'm with is never going to get in trouble for taking me for my word, unless my tone was dripping in sarcasm or something. But I don't hold with the idea of "I'm going to say things, and I want to you read my mind and figure out when you're supposed to do what I say and when you're supposed to do the opposite of what I say." Relationships are complicated enough without adding communication things like that.

[bobtheenchantedone]

So Maduk wears a white shirt to church, but sometimes he's wearing a lava-lava and sandals. Is that a deal-breaker? : )