engagement length

[Portia]

Most my friends fall into two groups: about 3 months, and about 12 months. I think my own preference would be between these two extremes, but I'm interested to hear what everyone else thinks. I'm not engaged, but you know, planning.

(Assume the people in question aren't virgins, if that changes your vote.)

[mic0]

I chose six because I was engaged for six months and it was just long enough that we were able to get everything planned in plenty of time and not so long that we were overly exhausted (but almost were). I think it really depends what kind of wedding you're planning, though, and on the couple and on what time of year you want to get married (or if you care about that).

[Dragon Lady]

I think it's unfair to ask a bunch of Mormons to plan for an engagement of non-virgins.

[Portia]

I chose six because I was engaged for six months and it was just long enough that we were able to get everything planned in plenty of time and not so long that we were overly exhausted (but almost were). I think it really depends what kind of wedding you're planning, though, and on the couple and on what time of year you want to get married (or if you care about that).

+1. I think six sounds marvelous. I don't understand how people buy, at minimum, plane tickets home, a honeymoon package, and sign a lease on an apartment together in 3 or fewer months! And a year is just too much stress, unless you're de facto married anyway. (I have no desire to live with a man unless we're married. I like my space.)

That's true about time of year. I know you and Mr. Mico dated longer than I am likely to (2 to 3 years, right?), and I remember during the Board reunion you were like "hey, not ready to talk about the M word" after a few months and I was like, "um, date 3?" Haha.

A lot of Mormons, of course, don't even take a honeymoon, which to me is just very, very sad. Pretty sure the honeymoon period can help you get over a lot of rough bumps down the road. My parents were dirt poor but at least went to Colorado or something.

[Portia]

I think it's unfair to ask a bunch of Mormons to plan for an engagement of non-virgins.

How so? Do you know any non-Mormons, or inactive Mormons? Have you been to a non-temple wedding? I grew up in Salt Lake, and know plenty.

[Dragon Lady]

I can count the number of Mormons I know on one hand. They are all married and have been for a long time. I did go to my inactive uncle's 2nd wedding, but that was probably 6-9 years ago. And now I just don't have many single friends, active or not, so engagement length is completely a moot point to me. The only info I have to draw from is my own and my friends from BYU.

[Portia]

I can count the number of Mormons I know on one hand.

Oh, really? Haha. ;-)

[Dragon Lady]

… [shame] non-Mormons!

[Portia]

And, assuming you mean the reverse ... that's astounding.

[Dragon Lady]

SLC has a far higher percentage of non-members than Ririe, Idaho, BYU, and BYU-I. And I tend to make friends based on who I am put together with (i.e., classes, work, church), and don't often reach out to anyone else. Which means LDS schools, LDS church meetings, I even worked for the LDS church! Even now I know there are non-members who live near me, but since they don't go to church and I don't normally go out of my way to meet anyone, I know they're there (embarrassingly one family lives two doors down from me. I met the dad once.) but I don't know their names or anything really about them. (She's a chaplain. And they like outdoors stuff. That's about it.) So I don't count them in my list.

And to be fair, I didn't know who lived across the street from me (I've been here almost 2 years) until a couple of months ago. And they're active in the church. I just never really talked with them (being in YW and Primary for most of that time helped), and they didn't spend much time outside. So I never was able to put faces together. So it's not just that I'm non-neighborly to my non-member neighbors. It's just that I'm non-neighborly, I guess. I chalk it up to shyness.

Honestly, I don't think that's such a rare occurrence.

[Portia]

SLC has a far higher percentage of non-members than Ririe, Idaho, BYU, and BYU-I. And I tend to make friends based on who I am put together with (i.e., classes, work, church), and don't often reach out to anyone else. Which means LDS schools, LDS church meetings, I even worked for the LDS church! Even now I know there are non-members who live near me, but since they don't go to church and I don't normally go out of my way to meet anyone, I know they're there (embarrassingly one family lives two doors down from me. I met the dad once.) but I don't know their names or anything really about them. (She's a chaplain. And they like outdoors stuff. That's about it.) So I don't count them in my list.

And to be fair, I didn't know who lived across the street from me (I've been here almost 2 years) until a couple of months ago. And they're active in the church. I just never really talked with them (being in YW and Primary for most of that time helped), and they didn't spend much time outside. So I never was able to put faces together. So it's not just that I'm non-neighborly to my non-member neighbors. It's just that I'm non-neighborly, I guess. I chalk it up to shyness.

Honestly, I don't think that's such a rare occurrence.

I do ... but have a fairly different upbringing and personality, I suppose. I'd say only oh, 5 percent of the people I interact with frequently are active LDS. I still don't think that it's so difficult to weigh in, engagements are pretty much the same wherever you go in US culture ... maybe I need more diverse Internet friends ... ;-)

[Marduk]

I think the numbers come a little closer when you realize that DL is talking about any sort of LDS, including inactive, and Portia is talking only about currently active LDS.

Still, I grew up in Orem, and even in high school, more of my friends were not LDS than LDS.

[Portia]

I think the numbers come a little closer when you realize that DL is talking about any sort of LDS, including inactive, and Portia is talking only about currently active LDS.

Still, I grew up in Orem, and even in high school, more of my friends were not LDS than LDS.

Is she? My impression was that DL's friends and family are exclusively active. Which yes, must be an Idaho thing.

[Dragon Lady]

Well, I guess not. The vast majority of my current friends/acquaintances are active LDS, but I could definitely name dozens of non-active LDS that, say, I'm friends with on Facebook. But I'm not really involved in their dating/engagement lives.

I suppose one of my cousins is engaged and she's waiting until she finishes school to get married, so it will be at least a year. Now that I think about it. But I see her maybe 1-2 times per year and get most of my info off Facebook. Even my non-active Board friends I rarely see or talk to anymore. I don't know if that's because they're not active (I hope not), or because they're single and don't live near me (most likely). I tend to have hermit-esque qualities. My current set of friends really does usually come from whatever I am actively involved with at the moment. Right now that consists of Stake Primary, my ward, Joy School, freezer dinners (which does include one non-member that I'm becoming better friends with, but is married with two kids)… and that's about it. And the last two are all people in my ward/neighboring ward. Or neighbors of those people.

Ironically, I just gave a talk in Stake Conference about how despite my limited circle, I still have a plethora of missionary opportunities. I know full well that it's my own fault because I don't go out of my comfort zone.

[thatonemom]

I was engaged for just under 10 weeks, which is pretty short. We got married right before Christmas (on the last day of finals, actually) so there were some school related constraints that wouldn't apply here. My sister was engaged for 6 and a half months and felt like that was longer than necessary. My (not LDS) brother was engaged for four-ish months, but they never had a date set and ended up basically eloping in Vegas.

Really, I think the optimal length depends on how long it takes to get everything together. Getting housing, arranging for family to get to wherever the wedding is going to be/organizing time off work, planning all the wedding and reception details... all that is going to vary by couple. 10 weeks was ok for me because I didn't care about most wedding-y details. (no bridesmaids, cultural hall reception, clearance dress, Costco cake, you get the idea). My only regret is that we didn't go on a honeymoon. We were going to, but my husband was in charge of that and he just never planned anything. (It was a tough semester for him) And then he nearly broke his leg a couple days before the wedding and was on crutches anyway. So it sort of worked out? (he still feels bad about it. Maybe for our 10 year. Also, they'll bring in a chair for you at the temple if you cant kneel)

Anyway, you know yourself and your guy (and your decision making process as a couple) so you can probably guestimate how long it would take you to get everything that matters to you done. There are lots of little schedule-y, check listy type things online that I found helpful. They have planners for just about any length of engagement.

[Portia]

What is Joy School? To put it delicately, it sounds made up.

[Portia]

(no bridesmaids, cultural hall reception, clearance dress, Costco cake, you get the idea).

HAHAHA

[Portia]

I think I'm going to look into honeymoons now. Then if it sours, hey, vacation! And if not, hey, good prices!

[S.A.M.]

Forget the engagement and wedding. Spend that cash on a long, fabulous honeymoon.

[Dragon Lady]

What is Joy School? To put it delicately, it sounds made up.

Heh. This could be a different topic and if you want to learn more than this, we probably should make it such. But Joy School has been around longer than you've probably been alive. It's the idea that kids have their whole lives to learn academics, and that's what schools focus on. But as young as preschool we should instead of focusing on shapes, colors, letters, numbers, etc., we should be teaching our kids to feel joy. It's generally a mother-run co-op that uses official Joy School curriculum. It's everything from Joy of the Body and Joy of the Earth to Joy in Honesty and Candor. It's a really awesome program, in my opinion. You can read more here: http://www.valuesparenting.com/joyschool/