dad's girlfriend

[Portia]

I literally just can't even.

I know it's irrational, but I feel way more upset and confused than I expected to feel. My mom only died a year ago. It's taken me longer to get over casual boyfriends. (Again, I know this is irrational and unfair. That's why I'm saying it on an Internet forum and not to my family.)

He hasn't told my brother yet, and yeah, not looking forward to that.

I suppose it may be good for my sister to have a mother figure in her life and my dad to have love, but darn it, we barely put the gravestone on. >.<

He just doesn't even seem to have mixed feelings. How do I approach the Other Woman and not betray my anger and hurt? I really want to be an adult about this. But if she asks what my mom was like, I probably will have an absolute freaking meltdown.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.

[Giovanni Schwartz]

Just tell her how you feel. "My mom just recently passed away, and it was very hard for me. I am very happy that my dad has found you and likes you a lot, but I will probably find it difficult to accept. Please do not take this difficulty as personal dislike of you, but rather as difficulty in accepting someone that may appear to be replacing my mom in my dad's life, no matter how much it may not be so."

[Portia]

Just tell her how you feel. "My mom just recently passed away, and it was very hard for me. I am very happy that my dad has found you and likes you a lot, but I will probably find it difficult to accept. Please do not take this difficulty as personal dislike of you, but rather as difficulty in accepting someone that may appear to be replacing my mom in my dad's life, no matter how much it may not be so."

+1

[Portia]

What about all the other variables? Do I have to invite her to my wedding? Do I have to go to theirs? Does she just get to crash every Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner now? What about my childhood home (kind of hate it, but still)? What if she and my kid sister don't get along. (Or get along too well, and the Woman like erases our mother from the sister's brain.)

I especially want to hear Emiliana's viewpoint on all these questions.

[Giovanni Schwartz]

What about all the other variables? Do I have to invite her to my wedding? Do I have to go to theirs? Does she just get to crash every Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner now? What about my childhood home (kind of hate it, but still)? What if she and my kid sister don't get along. (Or get along too well, and the Woman like erases our mother from the sister's brain.)

I especially want to hear Emiliana's viewpoint on all these questions.

In my (mostly irrelevant) opinion, I would say try not to hate her. You know you shouldn't, but if you do things like not invite her to your wedding, then that's just asking to make it harder for yourself. If you're lucky, when you tell her how you feel, she'll understand, and try to find something in common to help you like her. You don't necessarily have to see her as anything other than a friend, either. You could just do things like go shopping together, etc.

All in all, it's up to you if you want to accept her or not. You DO NOT have to accept her as a replacement for your mother. But (I feel) that if you want to be happy, you need to be able to accept her as a friend.

[Marduk]

She isn't for you. She's for your dad. Be happy for him, assuming this makes him happy.

[Portia]

The best part? No, seriously, the part that's getting me some Manhattan book deal because each chapter in my life just gets stranger and stranger?

She is some relative of, and shares a last name with, the most consistently reactionary, homophobic, conservative member of the Quorum of the Twelve. (Guess who!)

Hahahahahahaha! Knowing my luck, he'll officiate the sealing (that I can't attend). It's so funny!!!

We won't hold it against her (yet), but it ain't promising, peeps.

[Whistler]

I tried to imagine how I would feel if my mom died and my dad started... dating someone. That is indeed a weird feeling. Have you met her yet? I feel like you should meet her before passing final judgement.

[Portia]

I tried to imagine how I would feel if my mom died and my dad started... dating someone. That is indeed a weird feeling. Have you met her yet? I feel like you should meet her before passing final judgement.

No, and in my fragile emotional condition, I'm not looking forward to it. I was already not-great at my job, and now I spend half my time crying about mother, and the other half about my boyfriend, who's "not ready to commit." Maybe I should die of cancer. That sure seems to speed up the process.

[Whistler]

awww, Portia! It'll be okay, but your life does sound kind of sad right now.

[thatonemom]

That's really tough, Portia. I have a couple of thoughts, just in general.

It might be easier to focus more on your dad than this mysterious new woman. My parents are divorced, and it was painfully awkward trying to negotiate the boundaries of what I wanted to know about their dating lives. (which was basically nothing). It is so bizarre to have to think about your parents that way. But maybe you can talk to your dad about how much, if anything, you'd like to know about who he's dating. Maybe you'd only like to be told about serious relationships? Although it sounds like this one (potentially) is? You've also got the added element of how to properly remember your mom in your family, especially as the dynamics change. That's another good topic for you, your siblings, and your dad.

If your dad does remarry, his second wife would need to understand that she's marrying into a family already in progress. My husband works with a woman who recently married a man whose wife died in childbirth. They had several kids, some nearly in college already, when she joined their family. And she's talked about having a different relationship with the younger kids vs. the ones who were basically adults already. (It sounds like it's more complicated with the older kids) It doesn't have to be the same for everyone, but no one should expect that you and your younger siblings interact with a new spouse the same way.

I have a couple of friends with more experience with this. One whose dad remarried after his first wife died. She's pretty open about the different ways her parents (the dad and the second wife) were able to remember and incorporate his first wife (and her parents) into their family. And another friend whose mom died last year from breast cancer, then a couple months later she was diagnosed with stage IV cancer herself. Her dad just remarried a month a two ago. I could see if they have any thoughts.

One last thing. If possible, I'd try to separate feelings about the girlfriend individually from feelings about the changing family dynamic. We all come from different backgrounds, regardless of who are relatives are, so maybe try to wait to know what she's like until you've had multiple chances to interact with her. I'm not saying you should meet her, or that you should even want to. Just that I wouldn't write her off yet.

[Portia]

My dad and I weren't super close to begin with. He's not my biological father (although he did raise me), and we don't have much in common. So I feel somewhat cut off from the family I do have and that I'm close to. (Mission rules are a great way to socially isolate family members!)

This sounds more common than I would have guessed. Some people just can't function single, I guess. >.<

[Dragon Lady]

Thinking about if my mom died, I think I would want my dad to get married again and soon. Mostly because I'm not sure that my dad could function well without my mom. They're very much a team in many ways. But I also have a *really* hard time picturing my dad dating. So my guess is that he'd just buy a motor home and drive around the country, spending his time at cemeteries, becoming the number one contributor to billiongraves.com. And visiting long lost family. Like, 6th cousins twice removed.

I don't know. It's a tough situation. Just take it a day at a time. I wouldn't worry about inviting her to your wedding or not until you're officially engaged and you see how serious they still are (or aren't). Things like that just seem like an unnecessary stress.

[Emiliana]

Eesh. Yeah. This sort of thing is definitely emotionally complicated.

My mom died nineteen years ago yesterday. My dad started dating again just under a year later, because... yeah, he wasn't so good at being single. He was one of six children, married my mom at eighteen, and had never been alone in his life. Ever. He'd never had his own room until he was 36, and then he was single and he was raising two daughters by himself and it basically sucked. He got married just under three years after she died.

Nineteen years later, it still kind of stings. I know he loved my mom, but part of me still doesn't understand how he can love someone else, much less loving someone else so soon after.

So no, your feelings aren't rational, but feelings rarely ARE rational, especially where grief is involved. If this woman has any sense at all, she will understand that this will take some getting used to.

As far as what the relationship between you and her should look like, I don't think there are any set guidelines. She is not, will not be, should not be, and CANNOT be a replacement for your mom, and hopefully she won't try to be. You might eventually end up liking her, maybe even being close to her, but that still won't make her your mom. I wouldn't borrow trouble about things like your wedding just yet until you have actually met her.

Also, Gio's advice is awesome. Do that.

[Portia]

Eesh. Yeah. This sort of thing is definitely emotionally complicated.

My mom died nineteen years ago yesterday. My dad started dating again just under a year later, because... yeah, he wasn't so good at being single. He was one of six children, married my mom at eighteen, and had never been alone in his life. Ever. He'd never had his own room until he was 36, and then he was single and he was raising two daughters by himself and it basically sucked. He got married just under three years after she died.

Nineteen years later, it still kind of stings. I know he loved my mom, but part of me still doesn't understand how he can love someone else, much less loving someone else so soon after.

So no, your feelings aren't rational, but feelings rarely ARE rational, especially where grief is involved. If this woman has any sense at all, she will understand that this will take some getting used to.

As far as what the relationship between you and her should look like, I don't think there are any set guidelines. She is not, will not be, should not be, and CANNOT be a replacement for your mom, and hopefully she won't try to be. You might eventually end up liking her, maybe even being close to her, but that still won't make her your mom. I wouldn't borrow trouble about things like your wedding just yet until you have actually met her.

Also, Gio's advice is awesome. Do that.

Thanks, Em. I think you're the only one who can truly "get" it.

Even if I move back to Zion, I'm going to need to keep my distance, physically and emotionally, for a while. I'm just too angry. I wish my brother were home. :-(

[NerdGirl]

Although it's not something I have experienced, when I try to imagine it, I think I would have an incredibly hard time with it. I don't think that what matters is whether your feelings are irrational or not - what matters are that your feelings are valid. And I think feeling the way you do is actually pretty common in a situation like this, and I hope that your dad and his girlfriend can understand how you feel, but even if they can't, you need to do whatever you need to do to deal with this emotionally and if that means keeping your distance for a while, don't feel guilty about that at all. And just figure out situations like your wedding or theirs or holidays as they come. I don't think you need to have all of that figured out yet.

[Portia]

Well, they're getting married the 5th, and I'm actually feeling good about it. :-) She and my kid sister get along well, which was my #1 concern; they're moving into her house (she's the one with a college degree -- LOL), my nemesis may be her great-uncle but he's not officiating the wedding, and my dad made it very clear to me that she's not trying to replace or be my mother, and is fine if I need to take it slow. (I have a hard time trusting people in general.)

But they're younger than it seems they are (Rivers Cuomo, after all is 43), and if they love each other and can be a good couple, I'm fine with that. I made it abundantly clear that I am not devout and don't care what they do with their sealing, whatnot, and probably won't attend the temple service (although I think I will fly home for the reception; I think it's the right thing to do) but that he better not go cancelling his sealing to my mom and that that is my mother, always and forever. He was cool with it, he gets where I'm coming from.

My brother is crushed; he, of course, is on a mission for a gospel he doesn't believe with. I really hope that he either gets to a place emotionally where he feels he can do it, or he can move home and get his own apartment and build a life. But being 20 sucks. Doesn't it suck?! I HATED that age. I'm just going to be really supportive and let him have a cow if he needs to and be the one he can vent to. :-)

[Marduk]

Well, I suppose that's one place where gender rules that aren't equivalent comes to benefit you: your father can be sealed to this woman and remain sealed to your mother.

[Portia]

Well, I suppose that's one place where gender rules that aren't equivalent comes to benefit you: your father can be sealed to this woman and remain sealed to your mother.

I don't think of my father as that involved in the relationship I have with my mother. I knew her first.

[Katya]

I made it abundantly clear that I am not devout and don't care what they do with their sealing, whatnot . . . but that he better not go cancelling his sealing to my mom and that that is my mother, always and forever.

Well, I suppose that's one place where gender rules that aren't equivalent comes to benefit you: your father can be sealed to this woman and remain sealed to your mother.

I don't think of my father as that involved in the relationship I have with my mother. I knew her first.

Marduk is responding to your own expressed concerns about your father cancelling his sealing to your mother. In light of that, I don't understand your response.