a gift-giving dilemma

[Katya]

I usually give Christmas gifts to a very small group of people (mainly family and just a few friends). My old roommate in Maine used to give small Christmas presents (often homemade) to a couple dozen people.

When we were roommates, I always gave her a Christmas present, but now that we're not any more, I was just planning on giving her a birthday present (next spring). However, it recently occurred to me that she might still give me a present this year (because she always gave more Christmas presents than I did). So, if she gets me something, I'll feel bad for not getting her anything at all, but at the same time, I don't want to get her something that would be big enough to make her feel guilty if she doesn't get me anything. Also, because of some health issues, food is pretty much out.

Any thoughts as to what I could get her?

[Katya]

P.S. I have given her two very nice additional presents in the last six months. I had flowers delivered when she finished her master's degree in May, and I sent her a stoneware mug in the fall to congratulate her on her new job. So, maybe I don't owe that much gift "karma"? (On the other hand, we were roommates for over 5 years, so that's a friendship that should count for something.)

[Portia]

P.S. I have given her two very nice additional presents in the last six months. I had flowers delivered when she finished her master's degree in May, and I sent her a stoneware mug in the fall to congratulate her on her new job. So, maybe I don't owe that much gift "karma"? (On the other hand, we were roommates for over 5 years, so that's a friendship that should count for something.)

Wow, those are really nice presents. Are there any e-giftcards to local boutiques she could make use of? I got one and used it to buy a new dress I needed. Not very homemade-y, but much appreciated.

[Dragon Lady]

I often pull off gifts like that with something that really made me think of them. Like when I got my brother a Harry Potter Cookbook one year and he was like, "Wait, you don't have me for Christmas this year, do you?" and I replied with, "No. But I saw it and it screamed F-Stop, so I just had to get it." Then he didn't feel obligated to return the gift.

[Whistler]

send a very elaborate card that includes a paper doily. Or a really nice thank-you card for whatever she might give you? Or on the other hand, you could get her a cheap-ish gift that has personal meaning (like some hilarious book that is out of print, but was somewhat popular, so you basically just have to pay shipping).

[NerdGirl]

You could always wait and if she sends you something, then get her something. Or you get her something small that fits in a card - like maybe a couple of those single-use foot bath or face mask packets you can get at the drugstore. I send my mom cards with those sometimes. They're a nice treat, and definitely more than a card, but they don't convey any sort or obligation to get something in return. There's this Dr. Scholls foot bath stuff that I love that comes in a little packet that basically turns a basin of water into nice warm lavender-scented jello.

[Emiliana]

A flat Christmas ornament like a snowflake would also fit in a card. Do you crochet at all? I got super into these last year: http://crochet.about.com/od/motifs/tp/C ... tterns.htm

[UffishThought]

Write her a blackout poem! I've got a couple of books already partially destroyed for that very purpose, if you want to use Inferno or Jungle Book or Book of Three (I think) for a base. At any rate, it's small, simple, and thoughtful, and walks the border between small gift and normal communication.

[Portia]

I feel like we should dub this "Katya's Prisoner's Dilemma."

[Giovanni Schwartz]

Send her a nice card and maybe a 5 or 10 dollar gift card to her favorite fast food. If she's allowed to have fast food. Or a grocery store. Or something that is her kind of thing.

[Violet]

I second the nice card idea. I'm also a fan of chapstick-y or hand lotion-ygifts for the people you're friends with but don't know if exchanging gifts is expected.

[S.A.M.]

I'll feel bad for not getting her anything at all, but at the same time, I don't want to get her something that would be big enough to make her feel guilty if she doesn't get me anything.

Stick to your plan of not getting her something for Christmas. If she does send you something, great! Send her a note thanking her for it, but don't feel bad that your gift giving circle is different than hers.

[Katya]

Thank you all for your input. Since I posted, I actually happened to learn that she is getting me a Christmas gift (she asked for my address so that she could send me a birthday present, and then she mentioned that she was also sending my Christmas present in the same package). So, now at least I know she's getting me one.

Dragon Lady - I like that idea, but unfortunately she's hard to shop for in that way. (I used to knit her a scarf every Christmas, which was fun because I knew she'd like it because she picked out the yarn and pattern.)

Uffish - That's a cool idea, too, but I just don't think she'd appreciate it.

I think I'm going to go with a gift card. There's a local store in Maine that I'm going to call to see if they do gift cards or gift certificates. If they don't, I'll probably go with The Gap or maybe iTunes.

Thanks again!

[Digit]

A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund.

[mic0]

But really, the human fund gift card print out!!