New Agey Priestess (Apostate?) Stepmom

[Portia]

Well, **** just got really, really weird in the Belmont home.

One of my best friends, whom I've known since I was 2, borrowed my dad's car because the clutch went out on his. Apparently, my friend told my dad he had a canker sore and asked for advice. When he shows up, there is Dad's Wife with a full slate of essential oils and prayer books and other nonsense. ?

Then she makes him make some sort of holistic gesturing motions. ??

THEN she starts telling him to chant. And let's just say that my friend, who would know, swears that she lifted whole phrases from the endowment ceremony wholesale, with very specific verbiage of blessings (about his canker sore, mind you) and motions. ?!!

Of course I get more and more panicky as this story goes on. "Where was [dad's name] this whole time?"

"Oh, he was standing right there."

SHE IS A CRAZY WOMAN. No one listens to me, noooo! From our perspective, of course it's just fantastical mumbo-jumbo, although really creepy.

But from a Mormon perspective, it's probably worse! I mean, I thought that this was the most super-secret code of omertà that you would never, ever repeat out of the highly controlled, ritualistic experience. (I think there are perfectly reasonable psychological explanations for why that might be.) Is she going to be performing "faith healings" on my sister? It's like the worst combination of the placebo affect, quasi-Mormonism, and touchy-feeliness possible.

Why does this crap happen to me? I hope they get divorced.

[Whistler]

I'm sorry. That sounds pretty bad.

[Tally M.]

I don't really understand the whole essential oils trend...

[SmurfBlueSnuggie]

Good heavens. Good luck Portia! I have no idea what to suggest, but I hope things work out without too many negative side effects.

[Portia]

Is this real life?

We've decided to make a movie. Look for us at Sundance in about 5 years.

[Portia]

Ooooh, and my boyfriend's insane brother-in-law does indeed support bringing back polygamy.

I can all but guarantee he'll get a "revelation" someday that he needs another wife.