Interesting blog post by a woman who's tired of people who talk about how smart their kids are. What do you think? Regardless, there are some good quotes in there.
Joyce Slaton wrote: I prayed for better than normal. I wanted the Amazing Super Child who was going to prove to the world how 5-star my DNA is.
Joyce Slaton wrote:I’ll smile and nod if you really need to tell me how Joshua’s solving math facts on a sixth grade level, but are you sure you wouldn’t rather call Grandma?
Also, Violet has been sweeping the floor for us after dinner, and she’s been doing a fine job. She sweeps on a fourth grade level, y’all.
sometimes Moms do brag about their kids... and I feel really uncomfortable when they brag about one kid more than any of the others (I've seen this in at least two moms, and I'm hoping that I don't ever do that).
Honestly, it's hard being a mom. So when your kids do something amazing, you want to brag. It's like, the reward for putting up with all the bad stuff. Yes, my 4-year old still has accidents on a regular basis, but she can almost count to 100 on her own and can read like crazy and thinks math problems are the best game ever! But when I brag, it's not like I'm saying, "My child is better than yours and will be the most amazing person on the planet!" I'm saying, "Hooray! I'm not actually a bad mom after all! I must have done something right because there are silver linings! See! See!"
(And yes, Whistler, I do brag about Dragon Baby more than Niffler Baby. But, well, that's because she's older. And does more stuff. I figure that'll change as NB grows and develops more skills as well. But for you....)
And my almost-2 year old has no patience and can scream like a pterodactyl and throw things and grab things (like your jugular) with her baby-sharp fingernails when she's mad, but she adapted to a toddler bed in just 2 days! And doesn't fight naps or bedtime! And begs to brush her teeth. And cries if we don't let her.
I guess what I'm saying is that when moms brag, congratulate them. Feel free to brag back. Or not. But there are so many things moms aren't "supposed" to do these days. Let's stop with the mommy badgering already. I feel bad enough as it is about all the things I'm doing wrong. Let me ride on cloud 9 every once in awhile. I'll repay the favor. And maybe brag for you, too. "Yellow! Did I tell you that So-and-so recognizes all of her letters already!? Dang, she's only 2! That's incredible!" Because I will. Because all moms deserve a little warm glow in their hearts because of their offspring.
Ok. I read it. And I think she's bitter. Because she even says something like, "Maybe if my kid were smart I'd be doing the same thing, too!" So it sounds like she's bitter that her kid isn't smart and all she hears is that everyone else's is. But maybe she only hears those things because that's what she's sensitive to. She wants to hear moms brag about their kids' kindness? Start. Don't whine that it isn't happening. Start it.
Maybe it's just where I live. Or maybe it's because DB is in Joy School where things like kindness and sharing and goal-setting is praised and strived for. But I often brag and hear bragging about, "DB has been asking me daily for weeks, 'Mommy, what can I do to help?'" (True story!) Just Thursday I bragged to a mom about her daughter choosing to learn to sweep the floor for her Joy School goal, even though she had previously decided to learn her mom's phone number. And then she swept my floor for me! Willingly! And felt great inside about it. One of my best friends gets excited to tell me how far her daughter is on her chore chart and how well she does her chores without complaining (most of the time). So... maybe I'm in a special niche. But I think bragging about sweeping on a 4th-grade level is AWESOME. Bragging about how your 3-year old can do their own laundry is fantastic. Bragging about how your 2-year old wants to brush her teeth? Brilliant. I don't care what your kid is good at. Be excited about it and share it.
And don't get discouraged because someone else's child excels in a different area than yours. Even if theirs is more visible. Having a kind and caring heart is just as valuable, if not more so, than being able to count to 100 by age 4.
I was thinking of my aunt who brags about her oldest getting into state choirs and the music program at BYU and being excited about all her performances, but doesn't post as much about her other daughters' achievements on her blog (even though they're in high school/college-aged these days). It makes me uncomfortable because it seems a little like favoritism, but I guess the most important thing is how her kids feel.
DL, it sounds like this blogger is triggering some pretty defensive emotions for you. ("Let's stop with the mommy badgering already.") But at the same time, it also sounds like she's writing from a position of defensiveness in reaction to the behaviors of other. So, what do you think is the best way to address this vicious cycle?
I don't think she's bitter, or right. I think she's just tired. And wanting to be acknowledged. I thought the writer's frustration was that all these parents bragged about things their kids did as a way of saying "Look at what a good parent I am!" and she didn't have any sort of comparable way to validate herself. Good parents crank out kind, dish-putting away kids, but the best parents have smart kids who are better than yours. That's how you know you're doing a good job as a parent.
I'm telling you, when you are in the throes of raising kids, you don't get a lot of validation. Not from your kids. Not from society. Not from patronizing conference talks that tell you how raising kids today is so much easier than it used to be. Not even from other women who do the same thing, and probably want the same thing.
Devil's advocate: I think this certainly is one of the most favorable times in human history to be a mother. Previously a crapshoot whether you would survive childbirth, with modern medicine, your chance of croaking is essentially nil. With vaccines and antibiotics, childhood mortality has never been lower. With birth control, you can largely decide when and whether to have kids and how to space them. Educated women have more and more flexible career options... This considering that women were routinely let go from even gendered occupations like that of schoolteacher upon marrying. Cultural changes in the past 25 years mean that more and more fathers are involved parents. Social media allow mothers to keep in touch.
In every developed country except the U.S., maternal leave and childcare is a given.
Being am uncouth braggart and engaging in petty oneupswomanship is a sign of too much leisure time and the relatively good conditions parents have.
I did sound bitter, too. Sorry. I'm not. Maybe a little defensive because my daughter is really smart academically. (She gets it from her dad.) And the thought that she's making all these leaps and bounds and this lady is saying I should only tell grandma about it. I ... can't tell my other friends? I can't celebrate with people I care about?
But I'm at the same conclusion as thatonemom. She wants validation. So do I. And all of our kids excel in different ways. We should all be allowed to brag about whatever awesome thing our kid is doing. Because they all excel in *something*. And if that be academics or sweeping the floor or being kind, so be it.
Also, I don't believe that bragging = one-upmanship. It can, but it doesn't have to.
I think if you can find people who share a common interest and joy in the child--or simply in your joy--then that's "bragging" at its most acceptable. For example, one of my best friends has cute kids, but I don't necessarily care about many of their developmental milestones--but he is such a good friend that if he (or his wife) posts something bragging-ish on Facebook, I am sometimes happy simply because they are happy. Occasionally apathetic, it's true, but I usually have some sort of positive reaction.
I also think it's acceptable to say random things to people you are less intimately connected with occasionally, as long as it's not a common thing with the same person over and over. For example, my youngest sister will probably get her mission call in the mail tomorrow, and I am EXCITED!
Portia wrote:Being am uncouth braggart and engaging in petty oneupswomanship is a sign of too much leisure time and the relatively good conditions parents have.
thatonemom wrote:I don't think she's bitter, or right. I think she's just tired. And wanting to be acknowledged. I thought the writer's frustration was that all these parents bragged about things their kids did as a way of saying "Look at what a good parent I am!" and she didn't have any sort of comparable way to validate herself. Good parents crank out kind, dish-putting away kids, but the best parents have smart kids who are better than yours. That's how you know you're doing a good job as a parent.
I'm telling you, when you are in the throes of raising kids, you don't get a lot of validation. Not from your kids. Not from society. Not from patronizing conference talks that tell you how raising kids today is so much easier than it used to be. Not even from other women who do the same thing, and probably want the same thing.
Right. I agree with you that it sounds like she's very worn out (and in a long term kind of way) and then she and some other mother (who is probably also worn out) get together and the bragging (or what is perceived as bragging) begins and probably neither of them comes away with the validation they need. I think that's an unfortunate dynamic, and I wonder what can be done to move it in a better direction.
Dragon Lady wrote:I did sound bitter, too. Sorry. I'm not.
Well, no, I didn't think you sounded bitter. ("Bitter," in my mind, is more of a long-term emotion.) Just defensive. And I don't think it's anything to apologize for, I just think it's interesting that you and this blogger seemed to be coming from the same place, in some ways.
Some of those improvements Portia mentioned I think play a factor in parents' desires to have the best! kids! ever! If you have more control over when/where/how you have kids, you want to wait to have them until they'll have access to everything good. Education and sports and manners and culture and diversity and... on and on. I wonder if parents today feel more pressure on their parenting than previous generations. I know couples who don't want kids because they don't think they'll be good parents. (And I totally support them in that). Kids aren't an inevitability in marriage or adult relationships anymore, and half-booty-cheeked parenting is less and less acceptable. There's more research into child development, parenting techniques, etc. which is good. But also overwhelming sometimes. I think there's a lot of pressure to be a "good parent" without a solid idea of exactly what a "good" parent looks like.
(Because kids and parents are obviously different and have different strengths and needs. But still. I don't know any mom who doesn't wonder regularly if she's doing a good enough job)
Katya wrote:I think that's an unfortunate dynamic, and I wonder what can be done to move it in a better direction.
I don't have a lot of ideas there. But I wonder why it is that these types of interactions happen. Is it parenting insecurities? Is it the weird sort of "women aren't allowed to talk about their own accomplishments?" dynamic so they try to shift the focus to their kids? Or is it women who feel like they don't have any personal accomplishments in the young child rearing years and so they have a sort of vicarious sense of accomplishment through their kids?
I don't know. I'd love to look at research on this type of thing. Someday... maybe when my kids are older and I have more time but it's less relevant.
thatonemom wrote:Some of those improvements Portia mentioned I think play a factor in parents' desires to have the best! kids! ever! If you have more control over when/where/how you have kids, you want to wait to have them until they'll have access to everything good. Education and sports and manners and culture and diversity and... on and on. I wonder if parents today feel more pressure on their parenting than previous generations. I know couples who don't want kids because they don't think they'll be good parents. (And I totally support them in that). Kids aren't an inevitability in marriage or adult relationships anymore, and half-booty-cheeked parenting is less and less acceptable. There's more research into child development, parenting techniques, etc. which is good. But also overwhelming sometimes. I think there's a lot of pressure to be a "good parent" without a solid idea of exactly what a "good" parent looks like.
(Because kids and parents are obviously different and have different strengths and needs. But still. I don't know any mom who doesn't wonder regularly if she's doing a good enough job)
It took me an unreasonably long time to get the euphemism. Ha!
This is a really good insight, and I don't think the two thoughts are incompatible at all. Compared to the 1950s and 1960s, parents spend a LOT more time with their kids, and the pressure to have a solid roster of extra-curriculars has gone through the roof.
Count me among that group. I certainly don't think I have the emotional capacity and requisite savings to handle kids now, possibly ever, but certainly not before age 30. Hurrah birth control!
