Humor will not be tolerated!! -Portia

So I just re-read every post in this thread and in the "therapy is dumb" thread. It was certainly something of an emotional roller coaster!

Thank you to everyone who provided their input: I know I got a lot of value out of hearing what helped people, what didn't help people, and knowing that even when things were looking particularly bleak, we're all here three years later.

When I first started suspecting a personality disorder two years ago, I assumed that I would never get better, never be happy, and most obviously, never find love or a committed partner or a stable job.

I don't want this to be cat-poster-y, I really don't, but I'm objectively better than I was when I was younger. I don't feel the same overwhelming emptiness daily, I don't go on the same sprees for shopping or sex, and I have a career I never thought would be manageable. Sometimes I don't know what the future holds, but I think that writing professionally is actually very attainable for me.

And I think what surprised me most was finding the personal validation I wanted so freaking badly. I am in a long-term, committed relationship with someone who is handsome and kind and my family loves him and he makes more money all the time. And he doesn't hightail it when I have a mental health crisis: he's said that proving I can trust him is a huge priority. (Of course, I had a crap ton of work to do on me, from not resorting to angry outbursts to not being irrationally possessive to curbing my flirtatiousness to getting a dang job. It was hard. But I did it, more or less.)

In a follow-up post, perhaps I'll share the lightbulb moment that made me go full No Contact with a narcissist ex (now that's the thing I have to actually stick to for the next year!). Best thing I've ever done for my mental health, probs.

I guess it just seems like this thread is mostly bad news. Things aren't perfect—what is?—but I sincerely hope that the right combination of therapy, meds, and social support can help at least alleviate y'all's symptoms, if not be a magic bullet "cure."

Annoying post-script: I always thought that having a boyfriend/fiancé/harem of hot lovers is what would fix me.

Surprise, surprise, it wasn't until I started to actually try to fix myself and become stable that I found what I was looking for. Take that for what you will.

TBS, thanks for your insights.

Portia, it's funny how cliches are often accurate....not always, but often.

So, my anxiety is 99% under control at this point in my life. (Yay!) But the one thing that I pretty much cannot deal with is large, noisy, overly enthusiastic crowds of people in tightly packed spaces. Rock concerts? Sporting events? Those are panic attacks waiting to happen, but fortunately rock concerts and sporting events are things that a person can not go to without any impairment to quality of life.

But what did my large urban school district decide to do this year? Host what basically amounts to a several-thousand-person PEP RALLY ("convocation") just before the start of school. So after dithering about it for several weeks, today I called my doctor to see if she would write me a note to get out of it. The nurse called me back awhile later, while I was having lunch with my coworkers, and basically said that she can't do that because my anxiety is not a documented disability, and if my medicine isn't working I need to come in for an appointment, but for the time being I should just take some Xanax and deal with it.

I then burst into tears in front of half my department AND my administrator, and in the process of trying to explain what was going on I had a little mini-panic attack right then and there just THINKING about having to go to this thing.

My administrator hadn't had any idea that I had panic attacks, because like I said, I'm pretty functional! Anyway, she was a bit freaked out. But she agreed that I don't think I should have to have a "disability" to be excused from one event that occurs every couple of years. I ended up printing off a page from my login at the hospital's website that shows that I have a diagnosis of anxiety, and she said that would be enough documentation for the time being.

tl;dr: today was stressful but it turned out okay.

Emiliana, that's good!

Portia, you're right, this thread and the other are filled with hard times. I guess that's natural; when things are good maybe we are more apt to share them in real life. I try to share my hard times in real life too because mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but it's just easier to spill when you don't have to look anyone in the eyes.

In the spirit of what's going right, though, there is this: https://anewvoiceslowlyrecognized.wordp ... -volume-8/ I've been trying to document what I'm doing that's working, and the process of doing that seems to be helping, too.

On Monday I was suicidal as hell, abruptly but not unpredictably due to some triggering events I knew were coming. I talked about it and on Tuesday I took off to Montana of all places. I just got back and it was the right thing to do. I feel better.

Also, Portia: I'm really glad you are doing what is good for you. I did a happy dance when I got your text earlier.

And Whistler, no sweat. My psych degree taught me none of that, or at least very little of it.

I would really like to spend my two weeks of vacation in the first time in forever NOT crying in my hotel room. But apparently my brain had other plans.

Zedability wrote:I would really like to spend my two weeks of vacation in the first time in forever NOT crying in my hotel room. But apparently my brain had other plans.

<3

So.......a senior at the school where I work took his life yesterday. I know this is kind of a "well, duh!" thing, but it just struck me how ... permanent ... death really is. One of my coworkers dug through her files and found an essay he'd written about, among other things, how he wanted to be an engineer because he loved building things and because he wanted to make enough money to provide a good life for his kids someday. And it's just horrible how he's not going to be able to do that because he decided he couldn't go on.

Emiliana wrote:So.......a senior at the school where I work took his life yesterday. I know this is kind of a "well, duh!" thing, but it just struck me how ... permanent ... death really is. One of my coworkers dug through her files and found an essay he'd written about, among other things, how he wanted to be an engineer because he loved building things and because he wanted to make enough money to provide a good life for his kids someday. And it's just horrible how he's not going to be able to do that because he decided he couldn't go on.

Wow.

Zedability, I'm so sorry. I hope you are able to enjoy the rest of your vacation.

Emiliana, I hope you, the other teachers, and the kids are managing. I don't mean to make it worse, but I hope there aren't any copycats in the student body. Once suicide is normalized to someone through close exposure, they are more likely to try it themselves. Also, I hope if you need extra support you get it. A couple of months ago I had a dream where I was killed. I won't go into detail, but I had an experience too where I "realized" the permanency of death, and I still haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I also had a cousin who committed suicide when he was 16 (I was 26). It is a hard experience.

Today is a Very Bad Day.

Then you get hugs.

Actually, you can have hugs every day, not just Bad ones.

Hugs.

Yesterday was a Very Bad Day. Today is a Very Strange Day (but much better!).

I have been suicidal almost constantly for days and days. It was wearing me very thin. In my entire extended, very large family, only one aunt left the church before I did. After her divorce she and her four kids stopped attending church. She has always been my favorite aunt from the time I was very small. She reassured me before I told my family I had stopped going to church, and I visited her across the country quite a few times in the past decade without making any similar trips to see any other aunts and uncles. She and I have talked at length about our journeys out of the church and how we feel our lives have improved.

Today she called me and she preached (admittedly very unorthodox) gospel to me and I feel... so much better. I am also confused. But I feel so much better. I feel halfway prepared to make a decision about my life.

Well here's a study that may make you feel better ... or not ... depending ...

lols. So this is why I was miserable freshman year. We'll pretend it was that. We'll pretend it also extends, in my case, to first-year middle schoolers.

*starts antidepressants*
Brain: "Let's stop eating"
Brain: "Is there really a point to being alive?"
Brain: "I have an idea, what if we stopped doing any school-related things"

I feel like my brain missed the "anti" in "antidepressants"

Had one of my first experiences with a panic attack that I actually identified as a panic attack (which makes me think I've had some in the past that I just didn't really register as a panic attack...) Not fun. Not fun at all.

Zedability wrote:I feel like my brain missed the "anti" in "antidepressants"

I laughed. :-)

I know I would definitely go off them if it were me. Hope you can figure it out either way.

And Tally, I had a full-blown panic attack two days ago in the work stairwell. I agree, not fun.