Humor will not be tolerated!! -Portia

breaking up is hard enough without depression! my thoughts are with you.

Thanks all for your thoughts!

TBS, that sucks. Good luck, and *hug*.

After justifying binge-reading The Bell Jar as "research," I decided that it'd be worth scheduling my first appointment with my psychologist in a couple of months. That book really shook me up. Sigh.

So my mom's cousin has been sleuthing in our genealogy. I knew my family was crazy, but and how! Abandoned kids raised by their grandparents, full-blown alcoholism (yay Irish genes), tabloid-worthy deathbed revelations of who exactly was sleeping with which maid. (My people.)

Rather than disturbing or depressing me, seeing these characteristics, as much as their physical ones (they were all stunning, which was encouraging), made me realize that a lot of these conditions have a high degree of heritability, which means that I am better equipped, with a college education and access to services, than they could have hoped for. So I'm sure my life will be on the crazy side, but I hope it to be a long one, with no illegitimate or abandoned children in my wake!

Headaches and depression are very similar. They can attack without warning, or have symptoms that signal their arrival. They can physically impair you, keeping you from going about daily life. And, unlike most maladies, they essentially invisible to all but the one experiencing the pain.

Having suffered from both, I think what frustrates me the most is that not only do I seem to other people like I can live normally when afflicted, but I'm just as hard on myself, feeling like I should just be able to "grin and bear it."

Tally M. wrote:Headaches and depression are very similar. They can attack without warning, or have symptoms that signal their arrival. They can physically impair you, keeping you from going about daily life. And, unlike most maladies, they essentially invisible to all but the one experiencing the pain.

Having suffered from both, I think what frustrates me the most is that not only do I seem to other people like I can live normally when afflicted, but I'm just as hard on myself, feeling like I should just be able to "grin and bear it."

I hope you can find some reprieve from both.

Portia wrote:

Tally M. wrote:Headaches and depression are very similar. They can attack without warning, or have symptoms that signal their arrival. They can physically impair you, keeping you from going about daily life. And, unlike most maladies, they essentially invisible to all but the one experiencing the pain.

Having suffered from both, I think what frustrates me the most is that not only do I seem to other people like I can live normally when afflicted, but I'm just as hard on myself, feeling like I should just be able to "grin and bear it."

I hope you can find some reprieve from both.

My depression is bearable enough, and I've learned how to deal with it much better. Headaches are a different story, and I'll be going to see a neurologist in August about them.

Nightmares in which my subconscious tries to off myself have been by far the most troubling symptom of this charming “adventure.” Even doing research as to the cause and prevalence of these nightmares doesn’t actually make me feel better.

And I sort of envy people who “merely” have depression or some other more socially acceptable problem. When people at the coffeeshop or work (that’s the interesting thing, I actually can make it to work and rehearsal just fine, I just feel like I am having a nervous breakdown the whole time, LOL) ask how are you, I have a hunch that saying, “oh, you know, trying to not let my nightmares escalate into suicidal ideation, because, y’know, I like this whole living business. You?” would be weird. Basically, I probably am “crazy” and much like freak cancers I don’t think there’s much I can do. I can’t just quit my job, or become a hermit, or run away. But it’d be nice to not be terrified to sleep, haha.

Time to queue up the classical music and try to artificially stimulate my mood with caffeine. ^_^ I guess I will try to do something more relaxing before bed tonight, hmm ...

Portia, if you aren't completely against meds, there are great non-habit forming meds specifically for interrupted sleep and nightmares these days. Many of my clients have started taking them in the past year. Some can be pretty pricey, but others aren't. Also, a good ol' SSRI could potentially help tone that down. I'm not a doctor, blah blah blah.

Also, depressed people (or at least this depressed person) have that exact same feeling about not knowing how to talk to people. I'd caution you against comparing the different mental illness and which are better or worse. They all suck. BPD is hard because, you're right, it's less socially acceptable than some other mental illnesses, mostly because fewer people know about it, I'd wager. But hey, I have suicidal ideation practically every single day, even when I'm at my healthiest. When I'm not at my healthiest, the suicidal ideation alone gets so disturbing that I have even more suicidal ideation. But I don't have the same types of relationship struggles that you do, for which I'm very grateful, and I don't have to deal with as many symptoms of BPD as you do. I'm glad I don't have BPD, it's true. But depression? Oh man, it'll kick our collective ass.

And Portia, in case this didn't come across... I'm so sorry this has been happening to you. There's nothing good or redeeming about it, it's hard, and I'm sorry. I hope it ends soon.

Yeah, I don't know, it's like comparing having testicular cancer and, I don't know, tuberculosis. Not really comparable, both could kill you, and hey, you could get both!

I am a secret doctor (now you all know; send me payments via Square) and I strongly suspect that there has to be something at play besides Unipolar Depression. But I never really understood simple depression that well, to be frank. (That Allie Brosh comic where she's laughing hysterically at the pea under the refrigerator ... I just kept thinking, "But why? How can there not be a precipitating cause to you feeling that way?")

Yeah, if we're playing Problems Olympics I think that your brain trying to kill you for no reason whatsoever is "worse" than being highly reactive to both the problems and triumphs of life.

I don't have the medical coverage to even think about medication or even continuing in therapy right now. It's just too expensive. I'm more concerned about meeting rent right now, and although I think the psychologist I was seeing was plenty qualified, I didn't really notice any changes in either how I thought or behaved. I guess relationships are to me what bread is to celiacs and although bread tastes great, not worth the fallout, probably ...

Anyway I've been sleeping at my grandma's because of my show and the nightmares went away. In addition to any "issues" I have I am just a tightly wound person with a neurotic temperament, so maybe having a schedule and not being alone will help.

Anyway, I already regret going "personal." No one cares. ^_^ Good luck, TBS. I hate when people are like, "you're a strong person!" but I actually think you are.

Portia wrote:Yeah, I don't know, it's like comparing having testicular cancer and, I don't know, tuberculosis. Not really comparable, both could kill you, and hey, you could get both!

Yup.

Portia wrote:I strongly suspect that there has to be something at play besides Unipolar Depression. But I never really understood simple depression that well, to be frank. (That Allie Brosh comic where she's laughing hysterically at the pea under the refrigerator ... I just kept thinking, "But why? How can there not be a precipitating cause to you feeling that way?")

Well, see, depression isn't just Eeyore disease, at least not just. In opening my DSM V, I see that major depressive disorder is diagnosable if more than five of the following criteria are met:

A. Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks.
B. Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all or almost all activities most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks.
C. Significant weight gain or weight loss or decrease/increase in appetite nearly every day for at least two weeks.
D. Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day for at least two weeks.
E. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day for at least two weeks.
F. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day for at least two weeks.
G. Feelings of worthlesness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day for at least two weeks.
H. Diminished ability to think or concentrate or indecisiveness, nearly every day for at least two weeks.
I. Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation, or a suicide attempt.

And I've got... every one of those. They come and go and get worse and better, but I get every one of those. That's why I get the severe recurrent label. Hooray!

Depression isn't just sadness. And I totally get that Hyperbole and a Half comic. I made The Black Ram read it when we were dating seriously. I think eventually your brain just gets so taxed by the depression that something cracks. Does the pea under the fridge fix it forever? Not even close. But does it make you forget that you want to die for a while? Sure. And it's a great break. And you should use that break to learn some coping skills.

Portia wrote:Yeah, if we're playing Problems Olympics I think that your brain trying to kill you for no reason whatsoever is "worse" than being highly reactive to both the problems and triumphs of life.

No use in comparing. All mental illness stinks. All life kind of stinks, if I may be so bold.

Portia wrote:I don't have the medical coverage to even think about medication or even continuing in therapy right now.

The only reason I go to Walmart is to fill my fluoxetine prescription, which I can fill for $4/month or $10/90 days. It's done wonders for me, though not as many wonders as my busprione prescription ($10/month).

Portia wrote:Anyway I've been sleeping at my grandma's because of my show and the nightmares went away. In addition to any "issues" I have I am just a tightly wound person with a neurotic temperament, so maybe having a schedule and not being alone will help.

I'm really glad it's going better.

Portia wrote:Good luck, TBS. I hate when people are like, "you're a strong person!" but I actually think you are.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with depression when it makes obtaining food, whether buying or preparing, seem too hard to do? I've missed a few meals in the past couple of days because even making a bowl of oatmeal seems nearly impossible. Oddly enough, I can keep up with school work and get to class every day, but food is a major challenge. I've got no family nearby, I'm single, and my schedule doesn't match up terribly well with my roommates' schedules, so I don't really have the option of asking someone else to nag me into it or do food prep for me.

I've done frozen foods before, as well as protein bars. Mostly the latter. Trying to find healthy snack food is usually easiest for me, because I'm less likely to want to eat a whole meal. But even then, a microwave meal or easy mac one serving things are good. I used to not want to get stuff like that because I knew I could make something better myself, but I figure spending a little extra money is better than me not eating at all.

Frozen foods for sure. There is nothing quite like desiring a food and having it ready in minutes (or if you're fancy and use the oven, an hour ). When depressed I sometimes crave frozen lasagna, mac & cheese, or those skillet dinners like chicken alfredo (which even have broccoli so look a vegetable). The key of course is making sure you already have these things on hand for that time when you don't want to cook.

I have been trying out a DIY soylent recipe called "people chow," which is supposed to be something a person could subsist off of for years. It's something I can make myself eat if I'm feeling lazy (and if I pre-mixed the ingredients it would be even easier). However, it gives me little pleasure to eat it. When I was in college I would microwave a potato and eat it with butter and ketchup (cheap and easy). If you have the money for frozen meals those help me enormously when I'm feeling blah.

But if even oatmeal feels like too much effort... hmm... maybe you could buy one of those smoothie drinks so you'd just have to pour yourself a glass? It's hard because sometimes not having enough energy to eat anything is a self-perpetuating cycle (i.e., eating something would help you feel better but if you don't have the energy to eat anything... how will it end??).

Whistler wrote:It's hard because sometimes not having enough energy to eat anything is a self-perpetuating cycle (i.e., eating something would help you feel better but if you don't have the energy to eat anything... how will it end??).

Story of my life.

I give myself permission to eat whatever I want during these times. That helps motivate me. Otherwise, yes to the frozen food.

I too know of this struggle; just last night I went to bed hungry because it was easier than dumping a can of stew into a pot and waiting two minutes for it to heat up. Cereal, dry or with milk, can be a lifesaver in those times.