Stepfamilies

[Emiliana]

https://theboard.byu.edu/questions/78724/

(I submitted this as a comment but I'm not sure it will be approved.)

I don't know of any specific studies on this, but I can tell you from experience that it is very difficult to blend two families with existing children. No two single parents are going to have identical parenting rules or philosophies. The children in each part of the family are already used to the way things go in their own household. When you combine households, you must either change the rules and expectations, or deal with the consequences of having a separate set of expectations for each part of the now-combined household.

For example, suppose Parent A's children are allowed to watch PG movies, but Parent B's children are not. Does Parent B compromise and allow PG movies? Or does Parent A disallow them? Or can Child A watch them but Child B (of approximately the same age) not watch them? And this is a fairly straightforward example...it gets more complicated as you deal with more complex issues, and it's easy for resentment to develop between stepfamilies over these things.

On the other hand, if a single parent marries someone without children, the stepparent can more gradually ease into the parenting role--going along with the biological parent's established ways of doing things for as long as needed to build the relationship before taking a more active role.

Emiliana, product of a semi-dysfunctional, oil-and-water blended family

[vorpal blade]

You make some very good points, Emiliana. For these and other reasons some experts are adamant that parents of minor children should not remarry. What do you think, would it have been better if your parents had not remarried? Would you have been better off with just a single parent in the home, rather than having a step-father or step-mother?

I understand that bringing in step-brothers and step-sisters makes things more complicated and troublesome. But even without them is remarriage worth it?

I've been told that the "correct" solution is where the new parent has no say at all in how his or her step-children are to be raised. Only the biological parent gets to say what the rules are and how the children are to be disciplined. It would be hard to imagine a worse situation then to be remarried and have children in your home that you have absolutely no authority over.

[Emiliana]

You make some very good points, Emiliana. For these and other reasons some experts are adamant that parents of minor children should not remarry. What do you think, would it have been better if your parents had not remarried? Would you have been better off with just a single parent in the home, rather than having a step-father or step-mother?

I understand that bringing in step-brothers and step-sisters makes things more complicated and troublesome. But even without them is remarriage worth it?

I've been told that the "correct" solution is where the new parent has no say at all in how his or her step-children are to be raised. Only the biological parent gets to say what the rules are and how the children are to be disciplined. It would be hard to imagine a worse situation then to be remarried and have children in your home that you have absolutely no authority over.

I'm not comfortable with absolute statements that single parents should NEVER remarry while their kids are young or that stepparents should NEVER have a role in raising the children. I know plenty of people who have good relationships with their stepparents. For some of them, the stepparent was able to become a true parent figure and help fill the void left by the dead or absent parent--often this seems to occur when the parent remarried when the child was still very young. In a different sort of dynamic, one friend of mine calls her stepdad her "Bonus Dad." She was in college, I think, when they remarried. He isn't really a father figure to her in the fullest sense, but he's a pretty cool guy who makes her mom really happy and they respect each other.

As far as what sort of parenting role a stepparent should have, I think it depends on the circumstances. My therapist explained that it's often good for the stepparent should build the relationship with the child first, and then gradually take on more authority. I think I agree with that.

[Katya]

I'm not comfortable with absolute statements that single parents should NEVER remarry while their kids are young or that stepparents should NEVER have a role in raising the children. I know plenty of people who have good relationships with their stepparents. For some of them, the stepparent was able to become a true parent figure and help fill the void left by the dead or absent parent--often this seems to occur when the parent remarried when the child was still very young. In a different sort of dynamic, one friend of mine calls her stepdad her "Bonus Dad." She was in college, I think, when they remarried. He isn't really a father figure to her in the fullest sense, but he's a pretty cool guy who makes her mom really happy and they respect each other.

As far as what sort of parenting role a stepparent should have, I think it depends on the circumstances. My therapist explained that it's often good for the stepparent should build the relationship with the child first, and then gradually take on more authority. I think I agree with that.

I have a friend who became a stepmother to 6 children, ages 4-18, after their mother died, and she has mentioned that she has a very different relationship with the older kids than she does with the younger kids. I think you've also got some wise observations on the best way to approach this sort of situation, since I think that even people who are well-intentioned can do harm by going about things in the wrong way.