So, I'm starting to think I might be bipolar. I know there are a couple of y'all with that or similar diagnoses, and I'm wondering if you could help me sort out a few things--not necessarily a diagnosis, but some strategies for dealing with what I'm really starting to think are hypomanic phases.
Here's the way a phase generally goes: Something new happens. A new semester, a new job, a new relationship--and it is THE BEST THING EVER! It's just the thing I've always needed! From here on out my life is going to be perfect! Starting RIGHT NOW I am going to do all the things I need to do, starting with cleaning out my closet and walking the dogs two miles a day and counting calories and being sure I write the objectives on the board each day and posting more pictures on Facebook and reorganizing my filing cabinets and making parent phone calls and posting grades every Friday and memorizing students' names within 48 hours and calling all of my old college friends and cooking lots of healthy dinners over the weekend that I can eat for leftovers all week!
Two days later, I am exhausted and depressed and cry for a long time and have panic attacks.
That's an exaggeration, but a definite pattern. I had a really good second day of school today. I'm really enjoying my kids, I feel good about my lessons and I've set up some good organizational and relational habits that, if I can keep them up, are really setting me up well for the rest of the school year. I worked an hour later than I usually do, but I was still being productive and enjoying myself so I just stayed... But I know if I work those hours for very long, it's not going to be pretty.
And then tonight I was on the phone with my best friend/college roommate JoJo and mentioned, "You know, it's strange that I start to get slightly worried any time I have a good day." And she said, "Em, *I* get slightly worried any time you have a good day!" So apparently this has been going on for the 9+ years we've been best friends, even though I only figured it out a couple of years ago.
So, how do I cope with this? When I actually have the energy to be happy and productive, dangit, I want to be happy and productive! But on the other hand, I don't want to burn out within the first two weeks of school. Any great words of wisdom?
Hypomania
Re: Hypomania
Awwww. First off, I want to say you're doing great and we're really glad to have you on this board. You're always so kind and conciliatory (definitely not my greatest virtues) and I think it is very helpful to have a non-Mormon perspective.
A lot of my pathologies, if we want to call them that, have a similar roller coaster-ism, although I think I am much more environmentally reactive, and the swings are much, much faster. Like in just the past, say, 48 hours I have felt the full gamut of emotions from existential dread to pure elative relief. However the past week has been an unusual life-change transition period so maybe anyone would feel that way. In short, I can relate to what you say although I think any state I'm in rarely lasts quite as long. (Which I think may make people think my emotions are somewhat artificial, although I can assure you they're not.)
I think it's universally human to have high expectations only to have them dashed. Well you can lower your expectations or brace yourself for disappointment. My therapist said to set attainable goals to which the boyfriend (off/on but that's assumed with me) said, "let me guess, you said, 'f*** attainable.'" Which of these things is vital? Which is nice but optional? Which is silly? Maybe you'll decide parent phone calls are a must and Facebook can wait.
When I was going through a semi-manic (I don't think it'd qualify medically but in laywoman's terms) a couple weeks ago I crashed and burned hard and spent the two weeks after mostly catatonic in a daze. Then I hit a huge slump and guess what the sparkling clean room didn't last.
On the ex-Mormon reddit some mom said that she let her house go, didn't plan her kids' parties, didn't bake casseroles, and had the best year ever.
Maybe the idea of the BEST X EVER is a fallacy and requires some paradigm shifts.
Take time for self-care, know when good enough is good enough and when extra effort will pay off, and of course, talk to a counselor (TM). Everyone has "manic" phases and only a qualified therapist can say whether it seems bipolar.
(Bipolar is the scariest mental illness to me. Not the sufferers, but the illness itself. My grandma's stepson, not that she raised, though, killed himself and he had the diagnosis. A girl in my neighborhood had it and I am never sure if she is even alive. Next to Normal, anyone?! I know my stuff has a high suicide rate but what's scary about bipolar to me is the sometimes-attendant psychosis. @_@)
Maybe it will be beneficial for you to ponder if your highs come in reaction to events in your life (seems more characteristic of the personality disorders -- IANALATINLA), or if these periods come with seemingly little explanation (possible bipolar or MDD).
A lot of my pathologies, if we want to call them that, have a similar roller coaster-ism, although I think I am much more environmentally reactive, and the swings are much, much faster. Like in just the past, say, 48 hours I have felt the full gamut of emotions from existential dread to pure elative relief. However the past week has been an unusual life-change transition period so maybe anyone would feel that way. In short, I can relate to what you say although I think any state I'm in rarely lasts quite as long. (Which I think may make people think my emotions are somewhat artificial, although I can assure you they're not.)
I think it's universally human to have high expectations only to have them dashed. Well you can lower your expectations or brace yourself for disappointment. My therapist said to set attainable goals to which the boyfriend (off/on but that's assumed with me) said, "let me guess, you said, 'f*** attainable.'" Which of these things is vital? Which is nice but optional? Which is silly? Maybe you'll decide parent phone calls are a must and Facebook can wait.
When I was going through a semi-manic (I don't think it'd qualify medically but in laywoman's terms) a couple weeks ago I crashed and burned hard and spent the two weeks after mostly catatonic in a daze. Then I hit a huge slump and guess what the sparkling clean room didn't last.
On the ex-Mormon reddit some mom said that she let her house go, didn't plan her kids' parties, didn't bake casseroles, and had the best year ever.
Maybe the idea of the BEST X EVER is a fallacy and requires some paradigm shifts.
Take time for self-care, know when good enough is good enough and when extra effort will pay off, and of course, talk to a counselor (TM). Everyone has "manic" phases and only a qualified therapist can say whether it seems bipolar.
(Bipolar is the scariest mental illness to me. Not the sufferers, but the illness itself. My grandma's stepson, not that she raised, though, killed himself and he had the diagnosis. A girl in my neighborhood had it and I am never sure if she is even alive. Next to Normal, anyone?! I know my stuff has a high suicide rate but what's scary about bipolar to me is the sometimes-attendant psychosis. @_@)
Maybe it will be beneficial for you to ponder if your highs come in reaction to events in your life (seems more characteristic of the personality disorders -- IANALATINLA), or if these periods come with seemingly little explanation (possible bipolar or MDD).
Re: Hypomania
Also, I think people saying "OMG that person is so bipolar" could definitely lead people to underestimate the severity of this illness just like with casual use of "OCD" to describe people who are merely particular.
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bobtheenchantedone
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Re: Hypomania
I think the thing that's most helpful for me is having a checklist of daily things I need to get done (I use habitRPG). On days when I'm depressed, I try to get the bare minimum done. ("What's next on the list? Clean something? Well, I took my dishes to the sink, so check.") On days when I'm hypomanic, the list serves as a reminder that I have more things to get done than whatever project I'm obsessed with, and then after I've checked off all the dailies I have a longer-term to-do list that I can turn my energy toward.
I'll let myself get obsessed and work a lot if I'm enjoying it and I've finished my dailies, but then also remember that I won't always have this energy to keep myself from getting even more depressed with I eventually do wind down. I also try to make sure I still get proper sleep and food (I'll let myself get up early if I'm bored of sleeping, but I won't let myself stay up late no matter how alert I am).
One of my biggest breakthroughs came during one of my first recognized hypomanic episodes. I had left the garage door open as Marduk and I left his parent's house, so he asked me to go back to shut it. As I did, it occurred to me that had I been depressed right then I would have interpreted his tone as angry, would have felt like leaving the door open was a huge mistake, and would have been sad and withdrawn for the next 30-60 minutes (or more if I really tried) over a freaking door. Similar epiphanies continued to happen during other hypomanic episodes, so now when I'm depressed and about to spiral I am frequently able to pull from those memories to stabilize myself. In return, when I'm hypomanic and start trying to conquer the world, memories of breakdowns and panic attacks remind me to use my energy productively and not bite off more than depressed me can chew.
Finally, when the crash happens I try to not only let it but welcome it. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and so wandering around on Facebook all day and so feeling even more sorry for myself, I take a personal day and play computer games for hours as a treat. Not only does it prevent self-pity spirals but can sometimes even keep me stable for a few days - no depression or hypomania.
I'll let myself get obsessed and work a lot if I'm enjoying it and I've finished my dailies, but then also remember that I won't always have this energy to keep myself from getting even more depressed with I eventually do wind down. I also try to make sure I still get proper sleep and food (I'll let myself get up early if I'm bored of sleeping, but I won't let myself stay up late no matter how alert I am).
One of my biggest breakthroughs came during one of my first recognized hypomanic episodes. I had left the garage door open as Marduk and I left his parent's house, so he asked me to go back to shut it. As I did, it occurred to me that had I been depressed right then I would have interpreted his tone as angry, would have felt like leaving the door open was a huge mistake, and would have been sad and withdrawn for the next 30-60 minutes (or more if I really tried) over a freaking door. Similar epiphanies continued to happen during other hypomanic episodes, so now when I'm depressed and about to spiral I am frequently able to pull from those memories to stabilize myself. In return, when I'm hypomanic and start trying to conquer the world, memories of breakdowns and panic attacks remind me to use my energy productively and not bite off more than depressed me can chew.
Finally, when the crash happens I try to not only let it but welcome it. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and so wandering around on Facebook all day and so feeling even more sorry for myself, I take a personal day and play computer games for hours as a treat. Not only does it prevent self-pity spirals but can sometimes even keep me stable for a few days - no depression or hypomania.
The Epistler was quite honestly knocked on her ethereal behind by the sheer logic of this.
Re: Hypomania
I think I interpret pretty much all criticism as angry all the time, which in my household was actually true ...
Re: Hypomania
Yeah, Bob's too. Coming into a healthier environment from that can be a bit shocking. I remember once when we were at my sister's house for a family gathering (so about 25-30 people there) and my 7 year old niece dropped a snowglobe and broke it. A snowglobe she had been asked not to play with already. Bob was completely taken aback when no one yelled or screamed at her.
Deus ab veritas
Re: Hypomania
Thanks for the input, guys, that's really helpful. I think I was overreacting when I diagnosed myself as bipolar, but I am definitely prone to moodiness, etc. I have so far managed to avoid the crash that so often comes after a few good days, which I think if I were truly bipolar I wouldn't have as much control over it as I seem to. Anyway, a nice bubble bath, an occasional crumb of Xanax (I take half of a .25mg pill...), and coming home early the rest of the week have kept me in a more sustainable mood, hopefully.