Related to "When are you getting married?"

[bobtheenchantedone]

I'm working on a school project and feel like I could get some good feedback from this group.

As we all know, well-meaning members of the LDS church often feel comfortable asking (and even persistently asking) questions like "When are you getting married?" and "Why aren't you having kids?" and the like. If you've ever been on the receiving end of this, I'd like to know about your experiences. Note that this is specifically about acquaintances and strangers asking you, not your parents.

What have you been asked?

Who asked you? Where? When?

How frequently do you get this question?

How do you respond? How do you wish you could/would respond?

[Zedability]

This is somewhat related. In the second semester of my freshman year, I was hanging out in the multipurpose building and ran into my bishop. "Hi Zed! Are you dating anyone?" "Well I was, but we broke up." "Oh...[disappointed], well that's a start!"

A start on what, exactly? At 18, I didn't really feel the need to "start" on anything. (And that's exactly how I wished I'd responded.)

[vorpal blade]

Nothing like that ever happened to me.

[Marduk]

Me either, Vorpal. I think it is more common with women.

[Emiliana]

I'm actually really surprised that no one has asked us when we're going to have kids. My family does seem to take for granted that we will at some point, though, which is kind of annoying because that's actually NOT the plan.

[Shrinky Dink]

I've been married a little over two months and I only had one set of friends (in good spirit) ask if/when we were thinking of having kids. I said "Two years and nine months at the soonest." They were a little surprised that I was so specific. They forgot that I've been in remission (cancer) for three years and am not supposed to start trying to have kids until the five year mark. The cancer thing is actually kind of nice because it keeps the future grandparents from pestering us.

[Rainbow_connection]

I must either know an extremely nosy group of acquaintances or I invite personal questions somehow. About every few months a coworker or church acquaintance would ask when I was going to have kids. The answer was that we struggled with fertility and I had a miscarriage then tried for 13 months to get pregnant again. I didn't want to get into that with them, so I would just say something noncommittal like, "probably soon."

Now that I have a newborn the same people ask me if I'm breastfeeding and one acquaintance has asked when we're going to have another. So I'm leaning to think I somehow look open to personal questions.

[Portia]

Me either, Vorpal. I think it is more common with women.

I think this is part of why the concept of male privilege is often misunderstood. Though being pestered about one's personal life may not seem like a particularly egregious burden, when it is disproportionately borne by one half of the population, it does call into question the norms and mores of a society at large.

[vorpal blade]

Hmmm. As far as the question goes of "When are you getting married?" I would think that in our culture men should be more often asked this question. In the culture I'm most familiar with it is the man's responsibility to go out, date, and find a wife. And if he doesn't it means he either doesn't want to be married or he isn't making sufficient effort. That is really unfair and hard on men, because often they are trying hard to find the right person to marry. Sometimes they've been turned down harshly. Sometimes they've been snubbed. Sometimes people say that he must be gay because he isn't married yet, and I've known men devasted by that kind of remark.

I would think it is the men who are disproportionately burdened by this question.

[Zedability]

When my boyfriend got home from his mission everyone was like WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?!?!?! And he felt so much pressure that it nearly broke us up. Whereas when I got home people made a few subtle allusions and gave up when I wasn't forthcoming.

[Whistler]

I found the "when are you getting married?" question kind of tiring, but I didn't feel pressured by it. I dated one guy for over a year and some people were surprised that we weren't married, but I'd tell them honestly that I didn't want to get married right then. Similarly when people asked when I was having children after I got married, I'd answer honestly ("probably after I'm done with grad school" or "whenever God sees fit to bless me with one"). Some people have asked me how I feel about more kids and I'll say something like "one seems like enough work for now!" But I think if you're prepared, you can turn it into an interesting discussion of child spacing without it being all about you. I'm not sure why personal questions don't bother me... I mean, at least they're asking a question instead of assuming something wrong? On the other hand, my parents and in-laws are really sensitive about not pressuring me/other kids into things like marriage and children, so maybe it's just not a sore spot for me.

I think people who ask "When are you getting married?" want to start a conversation about dating, but don't know how to do it. So it's kind of a catch-all to get a romantic status update. But I think "are you still dating that one person?" is a less probing way of gaining access to the same information.

[Tally M.]

I think people who ask "When are you getting married?" want to start a conversation about dating, but don't know how to do it. So it's kind of a catch-all to get a romantic status update. But I think "are you still dating that one person?" is a less probing way of gaining access to the same information.

While less probing, it can still be frustrating. I met an acquaintance at a Y-Serve event last year when I was dating Spencer, and then when I ran into the acquaintance nearly a year later, he asked if I was "still dating that guy." Considering the fact that dating's kind of sucked since, it was hard to tell him that the two of us had broken up almost a year ago.

[Whistler]

yeah, there isn't really a polite way to ask about someone's romantic status, is there

[mic0]

The polite way is to only ask people you are close enough friends with that it is not awkward.

[Marduk]

mic0, are you still seeing that husband of yours?

[mic0]

WOW MARDUK, I think that is a little inappropriate of you to be asking!!

(Yes, I saw him this morning even. He made me get up even though it was only 11 a.m. It's rough.)

(P.S. To add to the discussion, I don't recall people asking me when I was getting married? Not sure why - I guess I was young, and dating a non-Mormon, so that could do it. My bishops definitely never asked, although they did ask why I wasn't showing up to church as often as I should.)

[Portia]

I got sprung with the ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE KIDS?!?! question over Christmas. By my boyfriend's brother's fiancée. It was freaking horrible.

Should have said "actually we plan on copulating as soon as we get back to Utah." Ha! (In reality, I said none immediately, probably 1 or 2 eventually.) I should have taken that "Normons" blog post on Arizona Mormons (unambitous cake decorator/nanny women, dudebro men, immediately return to Mesa to breed, makes Salt Lake look like Stockholm by comparison).

It was SO BIZARRE. I know she was put off by many aspects of my personality, but ... we're not even officially engaged. (The fact that we will be soon ensures that henceforth there shall be war between us.) Definitely didn't think that ish would start already.

If you want to ask someone this, DON'T.

</rant>

[Whistler]

I was kind of tempted to ask my brothers if they ever got married if they'd want to have kids.

[Portia]

I think that's pretty normal, they're your brothers, I just think it's best done in private, one-on-one. But I'm a relatively private person.

is it bad that I think your anti feminist brother probably wants at least half a dozen?

[Whistler]

yeah, sheesh, stereotypes! I don't actually know, I didn't get up the courage to ask! But he did say that if he were dating a woman and found out that she had seven kids from a previous marriage that would be a dealbreaker.