Most Outrageously False Thing You've Ever Heard in Church

krebscout · Post by **krebscout** » Sun Oct 04, 2009 9:59 pm

Fine. I'll accept cash.

Giovanni Schwartz · Post by **Giovanni Schwartz** » Sun Oct 04, 2009 11:24 pm

krebscout wrote:Fine. I'll accept cash.

Let's see... $2.00? That's how much it costs to make a cheesecake from scratch, right?

Waldorf and Sauron · Post by **Waldorf and Sauron** » Mon Oct 05, 2009 12:54 am

Just send 4 cents, that's how much it costs to make two $1 bills from scratch.

Giovanni Schwartz · Post by **Giovanni Schwartz** » Mon Oct 05, 2009 9:56 am

Oh, so now we're talking counterfeit money?

Nanti-SARRMM · Post by **Nanti-SARRMM** » Mon Oct 05, 2009 1:15 pm

Giovanni Schwartz wrote:Oh, so now we're talking counterfeit money?

If that's the case, I'll give you 6 cents, Krebscout, to make me a dollar, and you can keep the rest for your services.

Damasta · Post by **Damasta** » Mon Oct 05, 2009 2:18 pm

Mad Max? Or Gallipoli?

Cognoscente · Post by **Cognoscente** » Mon Oct 05, 2009 2:28 pm

Mad Max makes me feel the spirit.

Giovanni Schwartz · Post by **Giovanni Schwartz** » Mon Oct 05, 2009 3:14 pm

Haha... No, it was Signs. True story, like I said.

727 · Post by **727** » Wed Oct 07, 2009 10:56 am

Cognoscente wrote:Mad Max makes me feel the spirit.

Gallipoli made me feel the spirit. No foolin'.

Giovanni Schwartz · Post by **Giovanni Schwartz** » Wed Oct 07, 2009 1:17 pm

First Coggers, and now 727? My day is complete.

Portia · Post by **Portia** » Thu Oct 08, 2009 3:16 am

Most of my experiences had to do with people being extremely insensitive/off-topic/dumb.

Examples:

-women should turn around/cover up magazines in the check out stand to protect their husbands', um, virgin eyes? And this also had to do with becoming "good enough" to be a Seventy, or something.
-somehow we got from Peter walking on water to Mitt Romney
-someone went on and on and ON about how if you have sex and get pregnant too early, you're DOOMED. It was just incredibly inconsiderate to anyone in the room who might have had to deal with such problems
-an Institute class where he made snide remarks about other Christians not understanding the Atonement at all. I think that's an exaggeration. They're not pagans.

For a non-LDS example, that was just sort of goofy:

A distant relative's wedding had a rather . . . um, interesting (read:drunk) rendition of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" on the guitar. This was in a Lutheran church.

The first was by far the most ridiculous, though. I usually up and leave. I think this has also been discussed a year or two back, actually, and I shared some of these. Someone should fact-check me. I think it was on the Board itself.

Portia · Post by **Portia** » Thu Oct 08, 2009 3:22 am

I love TAMN and her "tender mercies," with everything from pedis to her mother-in-law always watching her kids to losing 5 more pounds. But Signs as a transcendental experience is a new one. I might forgive her if it was Roman Holiday or To Kill a Mockingbird or An Affair to Remember or something.

"I'd like to bear my testimony, I know Gregory Peck is ho- I mean true . . ."

NerdGirl · Post by **NerdGirl** » Thu Oct 08, 2009 4:49 am

Portia, your non-LDS example reminds me of a wedding I once went to. The groom was from Africa, so they had him walk down the aisle (yes, that's the groom walking down the aisle) to music from The Lion King.

Naazju · Post by **Naazju** » Fri Nov 13, 2009 2:33 pm

During Seminary (Old Testament year) my teacher taught us that the world had shrunk three times. Once right at the beginning (separation of waters), the second time when The Flood happened, and I don't even remember the third example because by that point my jaw was on the floor and I was wondering what this had to do with what we were supposed to be learning.

Giovanni Schwartz · Post by **Giovanni Schwartz** » Fri Nov 13, 2009 4:25 pm

Naazju wrote:During Seminary (Old Testament year) my teacher taught us that the world had shrunk three times. Once right at the beginning (separation of waters), the second time when The Flood happened, and I don't even remember the third example because by that point my jaw was on the floor and I was wondering what this had to do with what we were supposed to be learning.

It's good to see you, love.

Damasta · Post by **Damasta** » Tue Nov 17, 2009 10:07 am

Naazju wrote:During Seminary (Old Testament year) my teacher taught us that the world had shrunk three times. Once right at the beginning (separation of waters), the second time when The Flood happened, and I don't even remember the third example because by that point my jaw was on the floor and I was wondering what this had to do with what we were supposed to be learning.

Oh my gosh! This reminded me of one of the crazy things I'd been taught. I had a teacher who told us that Mars wasn't created as part of the Solar System. It just came crashing in, picked up some ice moons from Neptune, and did several near-passes to the Earth. On the first, it lost its ice moons to Earth--they melted and caused Noah's flood. Another time it triggered the volcano that was responsible for the Plagues of Egypt. Another time it altered the rotation of the Earth so that Elijah had more daylight for fighting. This is why so many cultures talk about the Earth "reeling to and fro like a drunken man". And this is why early calendars aren't accurate--Mars kept changing the revolution and rotation of the Earth! Eventually Mars' orbit stabilized where it is today.

This man also believed (sincerely) that the Lost Tribes are in the center of the Earth, that it is accessible through a secret cave in the Arctic, and that when the U.S. and the C.C.C.P. started testing nuclear weapons in the 1950s, they sent out little saucer-shaped flying ships to investigate.

I also had a seminary teacher who (angrily) insisted that "black people, yellow people, white people, &c., will still be black people, yellow people, white people, &c., in the Celestial Kingdom". Perhaps that's a little more controversial. But it seems to me that race (and racial diversity) will be irrelevant in the eternities. We'll go back to being whatever we were before the Creation, before the races existed. I'm not sure what we looked like in the Preexistence, but I have trouble believing that mutations which are used to define modern races, such as blue eyes, blonde hair, epicanthic folds, melanin overproduction, etc., existed then. And I see no reason why they would need to exist after. We'll all go back to being God's race, whatever that is. It was also hard to take this seminary teacher seriously since he didn't know at what age deacons, teachers, and priests were ordained (he was a convert).

Nanti-SARRMM · Post by **Nanti-SARRMM** » Tue Nov 17, 2009 10:45 am

This Sunday during Sacrament meeting, one of the speakers asked everyone in the congregation to stand and place their hands on their heart. He then had had us sit down and said, "Officially, if you get nothing else out of this, you have been raised a little higher and your hearts have been touched."

Whistler · Post by **Whistler** » Tue Nov 17, 2009 2:01 pm

wow, some youth fireside speaker did that exact same thing in a talk... the weird things people do to get our attention.

habiba · Post by **habiba** » Tue Nov 17, 2009 8:53 pm

A few weeks ago a lady shared a story in Relief Society about how she had a dream where she was sitting on an boulder talking to Joseph Smith, and he gave her his phone number so she could call him when she was having a hard time. She was happy to share his number with anyone else who was truly suffering.

Post by **Marduk** » Tue Nov 17, 2009 9:06 pm

Okay, didn't want to share this, as it seems almost unbelievable, but I saw it with my own two eyes...

When I was visiting my cousins in Houston, we went to their ward. It was fast and testimony meeting. A guy gets up in t-shirt and jeans, and begins to tell everyone how he has received revelation from a rock, and he is supposed to be the next bishop. The bishop gets up and puts his arm around him, and tries to help him away from the mic. The man becomes belligerent, refusing to leave the podium. He reaches into his back pocket for something. The first councilor thinks it is a weapon or something, and tackles him. Turns out, he was just reaching for his comb, for some reason. The man gets back up, the bishop and first councilor looking bewildered and not knowing what to do, the man steps back to the mic and says, "it is just like the rock told me, this ward may not be ready for the true gospel." He then exits the building. The bishop then goes to the podium, and says, "we will now continue with the bearing of testimonies."

Wierdest thing I've ever seen in sacrament meeting in my life.