Doesn't want a roommate

[mic0]

Question in question.

Preface to the writers who answered this question: I promise I am not getting down on you. Your answers were just fine. I just wanted to add something else.

I completely understand how this question asker feels. I hated sharing a room with someone my freshman year and so I made a point from then on to have my own room and (thankfully) no other circumstances made it so I had to room with anyone else. It was great. Over those threeish years I got really used to having my own room and I loved it. I also had my own room growing up. Sounds fine, right? But apparently that isn't how marriage works, and it is something I struggle with a lot. The fact that "my" room is actually "our" room bothers me. I got so used to having my own space, that nowadays I'm having a hard time accepting that I will probably not have my own room for quite some time (I'm trying to get Mr. Mico used to the idea that when we have a house, I will have a room that is just mine and he can have one, too).

So, the point is, this reader definitely should try to accept her roommate. Start today in making compromises and finding ways to accept each other. The roommate also likes to be at home a lot? Well, maybe the two of you can agree to have the room to yourselves for X amount of time, Y times a week. Maybe you can attend different FHEs or something (blasphemous, I know) so that you are guaranteed an hour of alone time. Maybe you can make the living area "your" space (or her space) so that you both have one room. Maybe you can invest in some high quality headphones and a folding screen room divider to have the illusion of your own room.

Anyway, I guess the point is it can be hard to live with someone especially when you appreciate your alone time. I hope the reader is able to find a way to get her alone time without being rude to the roommate. But, also, learning to live with someone and communicate and make compromises is also very important in life.

[Zedability]

See Mico, this is why you shouldn't have retired!

[Whistler]

I love having my own quiet time

[Digit]

Reminds me of the Twilight Zone episode A Little Peace and Quiet. It'd be nice to be able to freeze the rest of the world in time whenever you wanted.

[Portia]

Maybe I shouldn't get married.

[mic0]

Haha, thanks Zedability! ^_-

Yes, freezing the world would be so nice. And, Portia, this probably isn't the best reason not to get married, but it is something to consider when figuring out living arrangements!

[S.A.M.]

One of my older co-workers just retired. He is moving his wife into a house in Florida, he is moving into a cabin in Alaska. They are happily married, she just wants to live somewhere warm, and he wants to be in Alaska. So he will come down and visit her once a month. Everybody's happy and gets some space!

[bobtheenchantedone]

My aunt says that she doesn't know what she'll do if she marries again, because she'd gotten very used to "my room" and "my stuff" and doesn't see that changing.

As someone who, until recently, had basically never had a room to herself, I have to say it is pretty great. I love being able to do whatever I want, have whatever messes, etc. However, it is also a good idea to be able to get along with someone else in your room, especially if you plan to get married. However however, I totally support the idea of having at least two rooms so that spouses can sleep separately if they so desire.

[mic0]

S.A.M., that sounds like my parents! They have a condo in SLC now and a house in TX and they sometimes travel together and sometimes do their own things. Sounds like some things get easier after the kids move out.

bob, word. Although I personally meant different rooms for everyday officey things, that makes sense, too.

[Genuine Article]

We each have our own side of the bed, and separate dressers, and sides of the room to decorate as we please. I like a lot of stuff tacked on the walls and have piles of books everywhere, whereas his side of the room is a bit tidier. And downstairs we each have our own offices, with our own computers, which I love.

[bobtheenchantedone]

bob, word. Although I personally meant different rooms for everyday officey things, that makes sense, too.

I assumed you meant officey things. : ) For me, not only is same office and different bedrooms (houses, even! Boy, I'll be glad when that's over) my current situation, but if I do end up marrying Marduk we have wildly different sleep schedules. I don't want him waking me by coming to bed at one, and he doesn't want to be woken up by my alarm at seven.

[chillygator]

My aunt and uncle have houses next door to each other. She decides what the kids do half the time and he decides the other half and they can come and go as they please. They seem to like it. My whole family sort of judges them, but now that I've been single for a long time and am set in my ways, I can certainly see the appeal.

[NerdGirl]

I hate sharing a room with people. I did it for a while in the dorms, and I did it the first year I lived off campus, and I decided I was never doing it again. And I was pretty poor in undergrad. Living on $300-500 a month that I made working as a physics TA with my mom borrowing money from my grandma to pay my tuition. But me and two friends who felt the same way about sharing rooms did a lot of looking for housing and found a place with three single rooms that was about the same price as the shared rooms in the crappy ghetto place we had been in before. I think my rent was $200 for the single room, and my rent for the shared room the year before had been $190. Something on that order. And, you guys, we had our own washer and dryer! And 2 bathrooms for 3 people! It was pretty unbelievable as far as BYU student housing goes. It was about a 40 minute walk from campus (but there were buses pretty close by), and I didn't have a car because I could never have afforded it (plus I can't drive), but not sharing a room was my number one priority. I know the housing market in Provo has probably changed a lot since then (and these are like 2004 numbers, so adjust for inflation if you want), but I bet if the questioner keeps looking, they can find a single room that's affordable. If it's too late for this year, then maybe for next year. It may require giving up other things like having a car or eating out, but it is possibly doable. Don't give up the search! And actually the year after that, I started grad school and no longer had to live in BYU approved housing and found a studio apartment really close to campus for $545 a month (which I know most poor starving undergrads can't afford, but I was a rich grad student making $15000 a year then! So much money!!! For real, that's still a lot of money to me). So anyway, my point is that cheap-ish housing with with single rooms can be found if you are willing (and able) to make a few sacrifices and look in weird places. Both of the places I just mentioned were in condo complexes with a landlord who only owned one unit and was for some reason charging way less rent than the landlords of neighboring units.

And I totally, completely, understand the not wanting to have roommates thing.

[Emiliana]

Mico, are you and your husband from different cultural backgrounds? (I might be mixing you up with another writer.) I can imagine that messing with the dynamics a bit.

[Giovanni Schwartz]

Yes! I believe he's... Russian? Right, Mico?

[mic0]

Yeeeeees. He sure is! So, I thought about it and not only is he Russian but he grew up in a city in an apartment whereas I grew up in the suburbs in a two-story house. I asked him if he thought he liked being around each other more because he grew up in tight quarters where he, his parents, and often his grandparents were always either in the same room or just one away. He responded that that could be a factor, but he actually spent a lot of time by himself in his bedroom. Still, when I spent time alone in my bedroom, it was many rooms away from my family and I couldn't hear what was going on. So, the ways we were brought up is probably relevant to a degree! Maybe not the Russianness itself, but being in a smaller living space, perhaps. It is definitely interesting to consider.

[Laser Jock]

For me, not only is same office and different bedrooms (houses, even! Boy, I'll be glad when that's over) my current situation, but if I do end up marrying Marduk we have wildly different sleep schedules. I don't want him waking me by coming to bed at one, and he doesn't want to be woken up by my alarm at seven.

For what it's worth, there are times when Eirene and I have very different schedules, and it still seems to work out just fine. (Usually I'm the one going to bed late, and she doesn't really wake up when I come in; I never notice her getting up in the morning when I'm still asleep, even when she uses an alarm.) I would bet even people who are lighter sleepers would still just get used to filtering out certain things and staying asleep.

[Portia]

Resurrecting this to post a Savage Love (the content should be fine for readers here, can't vouch for the ads) on the subject I found interesting.