marriage

[Portia]

I think I'm somewhat fast-moving in relationships. Weigh in, whether you're bound in holy matrimony or not.

[C is for]

My last two relationships it came up (on his part) when I'd known him three weeks, been dating him two.

That sounds like it was the same guy both times. It wasn't.

My other two relationships were with pre-mis, so. They gave it at least a couple months.

[Zedability]

I think it was a week after we started dating. He asked me where I saw the relationship going, and my first thought was "I want to marry you" (which had pretty much been my thought since the second time we talked), but I didn't want to say that because who the heck says that to a pre-mi after a week? So I panicked and said something along the lines of "well, I want to spend tomorrow with you, and tomorrow I'll spend the next day with you...and, um, proof by induction, that's infinity." hahahaha

Fortunately, he is just as nerdy as I am AND he felt the same way, so he got what I meant and wasn't freaked out by it.

[Marduk]

You know, I don't recall for certain, as it happened quite organically, but I feel like it was about six months or so after I'd been dating bob.

[yayfulness]

I think it was a week after we started dating. He asked me where I saw the relationship going, and my first thought was "I want to marry you" (which had pretty much been my thought since the second time we talked), but I didn't want to say that because who the heck says that to a pre-mi after a week? So I panicked and said something along the lines of "well, I want to spend tomorrow with you, and tomorrow I'll spend the next day with you...and, um, proof by induction, that's infinity." hahahaha

Fortunately, he is just as nerdy as I am AND he felt the same way, so he got what I meant and wasn't freaked out by it.

Aww. Twue wuv.

[Marduk]

Hrmm, I was gonna say something like, "aww. Stupid teenagers."

[Yog in Neverland]

Hrmm, I was gonna say something like, "aww. Stupid teenagers."

I have never laughed so hard.

[Zedability]

Hrmm, I was gonna say something like, "aww. Stupid teenagers."

I have never laughed so hard.

I enjoyed that too, hahaha

[yayfulness]

Hrmm, I was gonna say something like, "aww. Stupid teenagers."

But everyone knows that only teenagers know the meaning of twue wuv!

[TheAnswerIs42]

Since no one who is actually married has chimed in yet, I just want to say that the reason is probably because we don't remember. Or at least I don't. Goodness, I think I've tried to block most of the memories of dating shenanigans, and if I hadn't it was ten years ago. Knowing me, I probably tried to avoid the conversation as long as possible, but I have no idea when the topic came up. And I'm not a fan of "love at first sight" because it sounds like stupid chick flicks. Never happened to me, personally.

Now I sound like an old grouch. Actually, I think that what I have with my husband is ten times better than the "twue wuv" stuff in movies. I love that I'm not trying to impress him with fake pretenses or spend hours trying to figure out what he meant by anything. From here, the initial stage seems annoying and tricky. Good luck with that, ya'll.

[mic0]

Since no one who is actually married has chimed in yet, I just want to say that the reason is probably because we don't remember.

Yeeeeeah. I know that when dating I was very upfront about my feelings about marriage, be them positive or negative, but I don't remember when it first came up. I did tell him after about ~8 months of dating that I was definitely not ready for marriage, and then we didn't talk seriously about it again for quite some time.

My first two boyfriends I was too young to say much about marriage. My first serious boyfriend we talked about it when he went on his mission, because we were quite lovey-dovey and hopeful. That was after dating for a bit less than a year. This stuff seems like so long ago, though! Good luck! Just be honest about your feelings/hopes/thoughts but not pushy.

[S.A.M.]

Hmm, I am in the fast moving category. Not saying you have to or even should be engaged in two months, but not even talking about marriage and future goals after six or more months of dating would be odd to me. I wouldn't want to invest much time and effort into a relationship that both people weren't seeing as having the potential for a long term commitment.

[mic0]

Hmm, I am in the fast moving category. Not saying you have to or even should be engaged in two months, but not even talking about marriage and future goals after six or more months of dating would be odd to me. I wouldn't want to invest much time and effort into a relationship that both people weren't seeing as having the potential for a long term commitment.

I voted for the 7-12 months, but I meant that is when I started talking about the m-word seriously as in "are we going to get married? What would us being married be like?" I definitely talked about the generalities of marriage before then (e.g., where I'd like to live, are we both interested in marriage in general, how do we feel about children, etc.).

[bobtheenchantedone]

Now that I think about it, I brought up marriage on our fourth date. Only I was bringing it up as in "I'm not one of those girls who wants to rush through a relationship to marriage." And that was all we needed for a few months. And even though we have now discussed marriage both in general and as may relate to the two of us, we're still just dating after two and a half years. I definitely like a slow relationship.

[Emiliana]

Boyfriend #1: It was middle school. I was too awkward and shy to talk to him about ANYTHING.
Boyfriend #2: Dated 2 1/2 months; never talked about marriage.
Boyfriend #3: Dated 3 months. He brought up marriage after about two weeks, in sort of a "if everything goes well, that's kinda where we'd like for this to be headed" kind of way.
Marx: The first time we mentioned it explicitly was at about 4 months. (We were on our way to an out-of-state wedding and I told him I'd dreamed that he proposed.) But before that, we'd had a number of conversations about goals, kids, even thoughts about changing names when you marry.

[wired]

I'm married. It never came up with anyone other than my wife. With my wife, it came up when I proposed. It was pretty obvious from other discussion topics that we were ready for marriage (we had talked about what each other expected in terms of kids, career, etc.)

I think it's going to be very different for each relationship and in different cultures. Even in Mormon dating culture, I think anything less than three weeks is moving pretty fast. Outside Mormon culture, I think anything less than a few months would seem quick. In Russian culture, marriage brings up you.

[Emiliana]

I think it's going to be very different for each relationship and in different cultures. Even in Mormon dating culture, I think anything less than three weeks is moving pretty fast. Outside Mormon culture, I think anything less than a few months would seem quick. In Russian culture, marriage brings up you.

I think Mormon culture moves faster than just about any other American sub-culture that I know of, but there are still a wide range. In the Christian culture I grew up in, for instance, it's expected that the goal of a dating relationship is to find out if you'd like to marry each other, so it's still going to come up fairly quickly. But in secular American cultures, there's not necessarily the expectation that both parties have a desire to marry at all. When Marx and I went to Ohio (where he grew up) over Christmas, we hung out with a bunch of his friends who'd been with their significant others a LOT longer than we had, but had no particular inclination to get married.

[wired]

I think Mormon culture moves faster than just about any other American sub-culture that I know of, but there are still a wide range.

Agreed on both points. I'd wager to say that going narrower, young adults at BYU and BYU-Idaho have the shortest courtship period of any American group. There might be some sub-culture I'm not familiar enough with - the amish? - but of all the ones I know, Mormons move the fastest. Globally, I'd say a lot of South Asian cultures trump us. Arranged marriages make us look moderate on the issue.

Now, contrary to a lot of people at BYU, I don't look at being relatively faster as a negative. I do think that some courtships would benefit from a longer period. (When couples calculate the time from dating to marriage based on single-digit weeks, I think there's a problem.) But I can't say I'm privy to some insight or anything other than just my gut feeling about it.

[Portia]

Well I've now hit the three-month mark in a relatively normal, healthy relationship with someone to whom I'm attracted both physically and otherwise. The "l" word hasn't come up yet, much less the "m," though I have to admit I hope it does.