Happy Days in Random Chatter 10

[C is for]

It was actually the summer I joined this place, 2009. Because C is for Cancer.

[S.A.M.]

Oh. I though your nym referred to C is for Cookie from Sesame Street, that's good enough for me!

[Emiliana]

It was actually the summer I joined this place, 2009. Because C is for Cancer.

Okay, so that was a year or so before I joined.

[Random]

I've finally started making my little sister's birthday present! Her birthday was well over a month ago... I'm a terrible sister.

[Portia]

A woman in my ward loudly asked my twelve-year-old sister (when she was waitressing for a Relief Society dinner) if their new(-ish) dog was a replacement for our mother. Then she went on to say that's how my mom would have felt. Again, in front of several neighborhood ladies.

What. The. Hell.

[Squirrel]

That's a terrible thing to say. Nobody can take your mom's place. It's true that a lot of people get a dog because they are lonely, but the dog fills its own purpose. Dogs can't be moms.

As they age and their world gets smaller, some women have nothing better to do with their lives than make trouble and gossip. I'm so sorry that happened to your sister. *hug*

[bobtheenchantedone]

Seriously?? That's ridiculous. I can't even.

This just supports my developing theory, though, that (some) women are at their bitchiest when they're being told they're special and Jesus loves them (Church events!). When I worked for BYU Events the worst event I ever staffed was the Women's Conference.

[Portia]

Thanks. I know that the best response to such transparently stupid behavior is to ignore it, and she took it well, considering, but still, must kids learn the world is cruel so young? What would possess someone to say such a thing? I'm still shocked. I don't want to blame the Church, but I don't know ... it's surprising she even wants to go back after being treated like that!

Emiliana, did anything like this ever happen to you?

Thanks for being non-psychos here. Apparently that's rarer than I thought.

[Emiliana]

Oh for crying out loud. No, I don't specifically remember anyone saying anything THAT STUPID after we lost our mom, but I was really young and have sort of suppressed a lot of memories from that time. I do remember people asking if I was excited to be getting a "new mom" when my dad remarried (I wasn't), but fortunately my dad had made clear to us that no one could ever replace Mom either to him or to us.

At my nephew's funeral, a woman spent a good five minutes telling me how this all just made her remember how glad she was that she hadn't lost HER premie son, who's now a teenager. That pissed me off pretty bad. People are just dumb when it comes to grief.

For what it's worth, I'm sure your mom would be thrilled that your sister has a new dog. Dogs are wonderful grief support.

[Emiliana]

A thought: Was this woman close to your mom at all? That wouldn't excuse it -- at ALL -- in some ways it would make it worse to say something hurtful to the daughter of someone she loved. But in another way it would make a little bit of sense because people sometimes act completely psycho when they're grieving (NOT THAT IT MAKES IT OKAY).

Here's a good article on how not to be a dumbass when someone is hurting: http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/com ... 4046.story

Basically, if the person is closer to the situation than you are, don't tell them how bad it makes you feel.

[Portia]

For what it's worth, I'm sure your mom would be thrilled that your sister has a new dog. Dogs are wonderful grief support.

A thought: Was this woman close to your mom at all? That wouldn't excuse it -- at ALL -- in some ways it would make it worse to say something hurtful to the daughter of someone she loved. But in another way it would make a little bit of sense because people sometimes act completely psycho when they're grieving (NOT THAT IT MAKES IT OKAY).

Exactly.

I'd say they were fairly close.

[Owlet]

I was thinking about something similar recently. I've never had a personal experience with grief; I don't know what to say to those who are going through a loss. I say "I'm sorry," but I'm not sure why or what else to add. Is it okay to say you'll pray for someone if you're not sure where they stand on religion? When her grandfather passed away, I told my friend I would pray for her family and she said she appreciated it, but some corner of my mind worried it would be offensive since they no longer are members of the church. I realized I was overthinking things, but still I feel so naive in these matters.

Although even I know there are some things you don't say. Oh, my.

[Portia]

I find the I'll pray for you stuff harmless but more for their benefit than mine. Really, a simple I'm sorry is the best thing to say.

[Emiliana]

I'm not offended by the "I'm praying for you" thing either, but you can also say something like "I'll be thinking of you."

"I'm so, so sorry" is always appropriate, and "I love you" might be depending on your relationship with the person. Really, there's not a whole lot to say in those situations, which is part of why people end up saying well intentioned but thoroughly stupid things like "God loved him/her so much that he just needed him/her in heaven" or "I know just how you feel because my cat died last year." Because they don't know when to shut their mouths. There's nothing wrong with just sitting in silence.

[Random]

I dunno, silence generally doesn't help me out when I'm grieving (silence makes me feel suuuper awkward), but I'd consider myself an exception rather than a rule in this case.

[Emiliana]

So do you like to talk through the grief itself a lot, or do you just like to talk about anything so you don't wallow? Or something else entirely?

[Indefinite Integral]

I'm AB positive and use it as a way to justify not donating. I mean, my fear of needles and blood and anything that combines the two. We're the universal receivers! And no one can use that blood except for other AB positive people. And there aren't that many of us. At least, that's what I tell myself.

Donating is on my bucket list, though.

You should have them check your platelet count. You're a universal platelet donor! (Sorry to jump in this conversation a little late, I spent most of this weekend offline)

[Portia]

Writing a short story set in 1929, and it's fun researching word usage and etymology. "A tad" and "at any rate" are a go, but "specs" (as in specifications) is not, since it didn't appear til 1956.

[Tally M.]

Writing a short story set in 1929, and it's fun researching word usage and etymology. "A tad" and "at any rate" are a go, but "specs" (as in specifications) is not, since it didn't appear til 1956.

Another thing to remember to incorporate into authenticity...I'm definitely gonna keep that in mind!

[Portia]

Writing a short story set in 1929, and it's fun researching word usage and etymology. "A tad" and "at any rate" are a go, but "specs" (as in specifications) is not, since it didn't appear til 1956.

Another thing to remember to incorporate into authenticity...I'm definitely gonna keep that in mind!

The Online Etymology Dictionary and Google's Ngram Viewerare your friends! I've found some terms I can use, but with alterations to how we'd present them today (with a hyphen, say, or scare quotes.)