Difference between "introverted" and "shy"

[wryness]

So, I will admit to being the asker of question 75255. I appreciated the responses, especially the infographic/comic about introverts, but I am still at my wit's end. I am just not used to living with someone who for all intents and purposes does not acknowledge my existence. In the rare moments where I actually see my roommate, he is zipping from the bathroom to his room or leaving quickly from the house. I usually have a window of about two seconds to say anything to him, and when I do it feels like I am throwing a truck in front of him because of the speed with which he seems to be trying to make an escape.

The weird thing is that until recently I thought I understood introverts, because I thought I was one. When I was younger I was the kid who was too timid to ask the guy at the restaurant counter for an extra ketchup packet. It is sometimes emotionally exhausting for me to make phone calls or do one-on-one confrontations. I have purposefully tried to grow out of this and I can usually summon the chutzpah when I need it, even if I sometimes feel like I am "faking it until I make it."

But apparently I am not an introvert. I guess I am just "shy." What is the difference?

[S.A.M.]

Seems to me that an introvert wants and likes to be alone. A shy person doesn't necessarily want or like to be alone, but simply has a hard time with interactions, especially initial ones.

Is your roommate very much different than you age wise? Is he weirded out by your religion? It sounds like you have graduated and are working, is he also working, or a student somewhere?

[Whistler]

hmm, it sounds like your roommate just doesn't want anything to do with you, or is tired of making friends?

As far as your own self-labels, I think you can take on whatever identity you feel most comfortable with.

[NerdGirl]

Yeah, being an introvert basically just means you need a certain amount of alone time and that spending too much time in large groups can be emotionally draining. I am introvert. I need a certain amount of alone time to feel ok and be able to function. But I am definitely not shy - I don't have any issues talking to strangers or public speaking and I have lots of friends and I do things with them. But living with roommates was difficult for me because no matter how much I liked the people I was living with, it made me feel crowded and suffocated to have them always be around. I need to be able to have a place where no one else is to escape to. There were definitely times when I acted like your roommate does, although I certainly wasn't like that all the time. And when I was actually sharing a room with someone, it was incredibly difficult. I ended up in a really bad place emotionally because I just couldn't ever be alone, not even in my own room.

[Giovanni Schwartz]

NerdGirl is right. I can't be around people too long, otherwise I start to get irritated and angry and, more than anything, cynical. My mom likes to throw big parties, but by the time they're over, I can't handle people anymore and have to escape to my room before I go nuts. People sometimes ask me what I'm doing when I go outside, and the only real answer is "being alone."

That may be part of the reason that I got frustrated sometimes on my mission, now that I think of it. Although I think that I found long bike rides to far off areas especially relaxing. I was able to follow all the rules, but still be able to have the semblance of "alone" time. That may also be why I was so cynical in my last area, that was one of the three smallest in the mission...

[Marduk]

Probably the easiest explanation (although it seems no explanation is without its flaws) of an introvert vs an extrovert is that an introvert gains energy by being alone, and expends it in groups, whereas an extrovert gains energy by being in groups, and expends it by being alone. An introvert who had to spend large amounts of time in large groups would feel incredibly drained, as would an extrovert who had to spend large amounts of time alone.

Shyness, on the other hand, just seems to be a measure of how comfortable a person is with someone they do not know. I'm an introvert, yet I can fairly easily engage a stranger in conversation or speak in front of a large group (make comments in class, etc.) Bob, on the other hand, is both very introverted and very shy. It is often difficult for her to even ask a waiter to bring her a drink refill, and any public speaking gives her a lot of anxiety.

[wryness]

I appreciate everyone's responses. Going by Marduk's helpful definitions, I guess I would classify myself as a shy extrovert. I like being alone sometimes and can usually keep myself content doing random stuff by myself, but sometimes I feel really sad if I don't have friends around to interact with. Hm. Maybe we need to have another term that fits in somewhere between "introvert" and "extrovert."

To answer S.A.M.'s question, I don't think it's a religious thing preventing interaction between me and my roommate, since we are both Mormon returned missionaries only 3-4 years of age apart. I have graduated, whereas it sounds like he is working to get ready for college, so I guess he could feel a bit awkward because of that, but I don't know. When I was moving in and had my mother with me, he was fairly chatty and stuck around while we were working to talk and help and whatnot--and I had a conversation with him a few days after I moved in that lasted almost an hour about ourselves and some of our common interests. But apart from one 20-minute conversation after that, basically nothing. It's weird that he/we would talk so much and then...nothing.

I have met some pretty introverted people before (I had a home teaching companion in a singles ward who knocked out a screen and escaped through the window in order to avoid going home teaching, and I promise I did nothing special to bring that on) but this behavior from someone who was initially so friendly flummoxes me.

[Marduk]

It could be that it has nothing to do with you, and he is just very stressed at this point in his life.

Or maybe you stole his girlfriend.

[Portia]

I'm an extrovert (shocking, I know) and moderately gregarious but extremely untrusting and extremely busy. I am exactly like your roommate. My friend plate is pretty much full, and I hate being at home. I will be cordial, but not much more. Are you messy or neat? Messy roommates are stressful.

[S.A.M.]

Huh.

maybe you stole his girlfriend

There is probably some girl that he has liked for a long time, and you show up and she likes you, so he's annoyed. Or he's actually an undercover ninja.

[mic0]

I agree with everyone saying it probably is not about you at all and is in fact entirely about him and his life and his personality. :/ Not every roommate pairing will end up in friendship (I'd guess most of them don't).

[wryness]

Haha, I promise I didn't steal his girlfriend. I'm not even sure if he has one--we don't talk, and I don't have one right now. Can you steal something and then not have it?

I think I agree with the last few commenters/commentators that this is probably just a "him" thing. I don't see how I could offend him, since we rarely see each other, have different rooms, and don't even use any of the same stuff in the kitchen except the fridge, which isn't even full.

He'll probably just remain a Mystery Man. Last night he had either his sister or his girlfriend over for the night. (Not sure; I know he has a sister living nearby. Honestly since there are no honor code residential standards here, unless said lady moves in, it's not quite my business and I doubt he'd have told me anyway.) I could hear them talking in his room as I went to bed, and they were still there in the morning when I was getting ready for the day. This is awkward for someone who's just come from BYU! I'm just glad the walls here are thicker than the ones in my Provo apartment complex were. So, yep, I'm just going to assume that I'll never figure out what's going on with him, and try to stop trying to make friends. Sad times.

On the plus side, I guess this means I don't have to try to offer him extra stuff when I have food or cookies or whatever left over...

[Portia]

Haha, I promise I didn't steal his girlfriend. I'm not even sure if he has one--we don't talk, and I don't have one right now. Can you steal something and then not have it? :)

I think I agree with the last few commenters/commentators that this is probably just a "him" thing. I don't see how I could offend him, since we rarely see each other, have different rooms, and don't even use any of the same stuff in the kitchen except the fridge, which isn't even full.

He'll probably just remain a Mystery Man. Last night he had either his sister or his girlfriend over for the night. (Not sure; I know he has a sister living nearby. Honestly since there are no honor code residential standards here, unless said lady moves in, it's not quite my business and I doubt he'd have told me anyway.) I could hear them talking in his room as I went to bed, and they were still there in the morning when I was getting ready for the day. This is awkward for someone who's just come from BYU! I'm just glad the walls here are thicker than the ones in my Provo apartment complex were. So, yep, I'm just going to assume that I'll never figure out what's going on with him, and try to stop trying to make friends. Sad times.

On the plus side, I guess this means I don't have to try to offer him extra stuff when I have food or cookies or whatever left over... ;)

It's his girlfriend, they're doing it, and yes, that means you're off cookie duty.

[Marduk]

Also, assuming that is a girlfriend, that may be why he avoids you. He's afraid you're judging him.

[Portia]

Also, assuming that is a girlfriend, that may be why he avoids you. He's afraid you're judging him.

This reminds me of one of my closest friends in Wisconsin. He is a fellow ex-BYU-er, and he is mostly ex-Mormon. He's LGBT-friendly, and maybe 80/20 bisexual himself. Still, he was very surprised when he walked in and his roommate was making out with a guy. "Is my gaydar that bad, Portia?!"

[S.A.M.]

Also, assuming that is a girlfriend, that may be why he avoids you. He's afraid you're judging him.

Especially if the girlfriend and the sister are the same person...

[wryness]

AUGH! SO WRONG!