Having kids and mental illness

[mic0]

Thanks for asking this one, Portia, it is something I think about often. Any other perspectives from people here? I sometimes want to ask my mom why they decided to have me, seeing as I was born 7 years after my brother, well into the time when they knew my mom had severe depression and anxiety, and far before it was mostly helped (just a few years ago). I worry about having kids and that, even if they have no mental illness of their own, maybe I will have the same issues my own mother had. It is certainly something to consider, but not really something people talk about openly. Even in my family where we talk about mental illness a lot, we don't ask "well, should you be having kids then?" Having kids, even without any religious perspective, is a pretty human, instinctive thing, so it doesn't seem right to tell anyone they "shouldn't" have kids, but that doesn't mean we don't have opinions about it.

[Portia]

Thanks for asking this one, Portia, it is something I think about often. Any other perspectives from people here? I sometimes want to ask my mom why they decided to have me, seeing as I was born 7 years after my brother, well into the time when they knew my mom had severe depression and anxiety, and far before it was mostly helped (just a few years ago). I worry about having kids and that, even if they have no mental illness of their own, maybe I will have the same issues my own mother had. It is certainly something to consider, but not really something people talk about openly. Even in my family where we talk about mental illness a lot, we don't ask "well, should you be having kids then?" Having kids, even without any religious perspective, is a pretty human, instinctive thing, so it doesn't seem right to tell anyone they "shouldn't" have kids, but that doesn't mean we don't have opinions about it. :P

No problem. The older I get, the more I'm convinced that my mother had to have had a lot of the same issues I deal with. Reading some of the literature about proactive measures you can take has been vaguely reassuring, so maybe there is something out there for anxiety/depression. (Which I feel like still has less of a stigma than some of the personality disorders.)

OCD Postpartum Lady with Car Crash Husband certainly hasn't made me feel better about it. Sounds miserable.

[Portia]

Oh and another thing is that people with my personality profile are pretty much perfectly cut out to be the ice-cold Betty Draper type moms. Haha. "Go bang your head against a wall!" I don't really think I'm very empathetic even judged by a man's standards, much less a nurturing womanly type.

[vorpal blade]

There's a world of difference between feeling compassion for your own children and someone elses.

[Genuine Article]

I sometimes want to ask my mom why they decided to have me, seeing as I was born 7 years after my brother, well into the time when they knew my mom had severe depression and anxiety, and far before it was mostly helped (just a few years ago).

Sounds to me like you're an oops baby.

[mic0]

I sometimes want to ask my mom why they decided to have me, seeing as I was born 7 years after my brother, well into the time when they knew my mom had severe depression and anxiety, and far before it was mostly helped (just a few years ago).

Sounds to me like you're an oops baby.

Yeah, it does, doesn't it? I feel like there is also the possibility that they, being fairly religious, thought they should have another child for some reason. Only they know, and I don't think I'll ask.

[Katya]

Thanks for asking this one, Portia, it is something I think about often. Any other perspectives from people here? I sometimes want to ask my mom why they decided to have me, seeing as I was born 7 years after my brother, well into the time when they knew my mom had severe depression and anxiety, and far before it was mostly helped (just a few years ago). I worry about having kids and that, even if they have no mental illness of their own, maybe I will have the same issues my own mother had. It is certainly something to consider, but not really something people talk about openly. Even in my family where we talk about mental illness a lot, we don't ask "well, should you be having kids then?" Having kids, even without any religious perspective, is a pretty human, instinctive thing, so it doesn't seem right to tell anyone they "shouldn't" have kids, but that doesn't mean we don't have opinions about it.

Robison Wells is a local (to Utah) YA author who's also been pretty open about his serious mental health problems. His wife once blogged about how they had decided not to have more kids, largely because of his health issues. (They already have three, but they were born before his problems became serious.)

[Portia]

I've decided that it'd be a much better option for me to adopt. (I know Whistler has mentioned that school-aged children and teenagers in foster care often need supportive homes.) I have a strong aversion to pregnancy, I dislike young children, and maybe I could do a good turn to those who are unable to be parents due to death, illness, or major demons they're battling.

As someone who was adopted myself, I think that I would be able to understand the kid/s on some level. And not contribute to the population problem! Of course kids who are up for adoption often have their own struggles but I'd like to think in fifteen years I'd be able to have the resources to get them medical or mental professional help.

[bobtheenchantedone]

I personally plan on having at least one or two of my own kids and just hope to high heaven that I've learned enough to help them through any mental issues that may arise. Of course, I may be in a slightly different situation since most of my issues can be attributed to nurture rather than nature.

[Violet]

Yeah, my family history isn't favorable for any future children, but it also seems to have skipped my parents' generation. That, or they're really good at hiding it—which, given my mom's family would not be a surprise. But it's also very manageable. My great aunt had a rough few years, but she was still able to create great things during that time. My cousins and I have figured out ways to take care of ourselves pretty young and function pretty well.

I think I'd rather be there for a hypothetical child with mental illness than not have them at all. I know it would be hard, but it's something I've experienced and it doesn't scare me.

All of that being said, I've always wanted to have children, so not having kids doesn't appeal to me. I'd still consider adoption, but it's expensive and time consuming.

[Portia]

Adopting from the foster care system isn't expensive! :-) I know a lot of people are put off, thinking that they'll all suffer from horrible PTSD or something, but I think like anything in life, there's a huge range. And if you're like me and don't like babies, it seems that there are children and teens available.

If I do it and someone bugs me about the status of my ovaries, I'll tell them I simply have never tested the null hypothesis that I'm fertile. :P

[Whistler]

I've decided that it'd be a much better option for me to adopt. (I know Whistler has mentioned that school-aged children and teenagers in foster care often need supportive homes.) I have a strong aversion to pregnancy, I dislike young children, and maybe I could do a good turn to those who are unable to be parents due to death, illness, or major demons they're battling.

Somewhat related: I read about a study that found that gay/lesbian couples had better outcomes with adoption than upper-class hetero couples. The LGBT couples tended to focus on acceptance and love, while the hetero couples often felt disappointed that their adopted child didn't meet their high-achieving expectations (not that adopted children can't be high achieving, but).

[Portia]

I've decided that it'd be a much better option for me to adopt. (I know Whistler has mentioned that school-aged children and teenagers in foster care often need supportive homes.) I have a strong aversion to pregnancy, I dislike young children, and maybe I could do a good turn to those who are unable to be parents due to death, illness, or major demons they're battling.

Somewhat related: I read about a study that found that gay/lesbian couples had better outcomes with adoption than upper-class hetero couples. The LGBT couples tended to focus on acceptance and love, while the hetero couples often felt disappointed that their adopted child didn't meet their high-achieving expectations (not that adopted children can't be high achieving, but).

Huh. Do you have the link, by any chance?

[Whistler]

okay, looking at the study again, it was looking at older adoptees and those with developmental disabilities: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/ar ... 0905000174

I read about it in Parenting with Reasoning, which is research-focused.

[Portia]

okay, looking at the study again, it was looking at older adoptees and those with developmental disabilities: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/ar ... 0905000174

I read about it in Parenting with Reasoning, which is research-focused.

I have a difficult time sussing out all the variables there, but it's interesting. I don't know what the line between special needs and not is, but I would not consider myself a prime candidate for such an adoption.

I am interested if people who are not necessarily looking to adopt are always a priori opposed to it. What if you fall in love with someone who already has children? (As happened in my father's case.) What if your brother or sister becomes unable to care for their own children? For those who are religious, what if you had a strong feeling that that was what God required of you, in addition or instead of having bio kids? What if you're infertile, or your partner is?

[Portia]

As a corollary, I have some acquaintances who did sperm donation, and opted to do selective abortion of a multiples pregnancy. (They have a daughter, whose nickname happens to be my real name, but pronounced à la française.) :-| I have no evidence I'm infertile, but if I were, it's stories like this that would make me opposed to infertility treatments. I couldn't handle it, emotionally, this feeling of success/failure, and these tough ethical decisions.

[Katya]

I am interested if people who are not necessarily looking to adopt are always a priori opposed to it. What if you fall in love with someone who already has children? (As happened in my father's case.) What if your brother or sister becomes unable to care for their own children? For those who are religious, what if you had a strong feeling that that was what God required of you, in addition or instead of having bio kids? What if you're infertile, or your partner is?

I think most people have some sort of mental image for how their future life or family is going to look, and any deviation from that requires some sort of mental or emotional adjustment. Since most people don't plan on adopting (because that's not the prototypical/stereotypical/most common way of forming a family), it takes some sort of outside influence to nudge them in that direction (be it infertility, marrying someone with children from a previous relationship, wanting to adopt a special needs child, etc.). But I wouldn't characterize most people as necessarily opposed to it, unless they've had some sort of previous bad experience with adoption.

[Portia]

I am interested if people who are not necessarily looking to adopt are always a priori opposed to it. What if you fall in love with someone who already has children? (As happened in my father's case.) What if your brother or sister becomes unable to care for their own children? For those who are religious, what if you had a strong feeling that that was what God required of you, in addition or instead of having bio kids? What if you're infertile, or your partner is?

I think most people have some sort of mental image for how their future life or family is going to look, and any deviation from that requires some sort of mental or emotional adjustment. Since most people don't plan on adopting (because that's not the prototypical/stereotypical/most common way of forming a family), it takes some sort of outside influence to nudge them in that direction (be it infertility, marrying someone with children from a previous relationship, wanting to adopt a special needs child, etc.). But I wouldn't characterize most people as necessarily opposed to it, unless they've had some sort of previous bad experience with adoption.

I'm most interested in the cost argument. It's far less than IVF, unless you do an international adoption, I suppose. I am not sure what the cost profile is for adopting the children of knocked-up teens, which seems to be the most common scenario locally. I have seen both happen in my family. One of my mom's cousins had 3 bio kids young, and then became obsessed with the idea of adopting a baby from China. Her husband was initially unsure, but then they got a son, and he's by her own admission the smartest of her kids. He has a burned, mangled hand from what is clearly a case of gross neglect or abuse, and I think he was in an orphanage. He's Asian, but his phenotype points to Southeast Asian more than Chinese. So it worked out fine for them and they're not rich.

My mom's other cousin got pregnant in her late teens and had an open adoption. He would be about my age. His status in the family is very tenuous, and the whole thing seems like it was tough for all parties. She's very protective with her other two bio kids from a subsequent (good) relationship.

I think the hardest part of adoption is the sense of insecurity or unwantedness. In the case of my Asian second cousin, I'm not sure how he will feel as an adult, but it's obvious that he's not related to his siblings. That was not the case in my family (we're all varying degrees of blond-haired and blue-eyed, and we're half-siblings raised in the same household, after all). I'll never, ever forget when my brother was 2 or 3 and I was 8 or 9. "Real kids get candy, adopted kids get rocks!!" Cue the wailing, the parents yelling at how could you say such a thing, my brother looking kind of pleased with himself but also not realizing why his status as a "real" child isn't better.

Maybe that's why gay and lesbian couples can relate to their adopted kids so well, they know so acutely what the status as an outsider is. If you're interested in semi-cheesy chick lit on the topic, I found Where We Belong by the prolific Emily Giffin to be a sort of wish-fulfillment form of crack cocaine for me.

[Katya]

I think the hardest part of adoption is the sense of insecurity or unwantedness. In the case of my Asian second cousin, I'm not sure how he will feel as an adult, but it's obvious that he's not related to his siblings. That was not the case in my family (we're all varying degrees of blond-haired and blue-eyed, and we're half-siblings raised in the same household, after all).

This is an interesting point and I've also seen it play out the opposite way, with a half-sibling who is presumed to be adopted because they have a parent from a different race. (I suppose this also crops up in mixed-race marriages, where a white parent may be presumed to not be the biological parent of their mixed-race children.)

I also remember a situation in my home ward where a (white) woman had a daughter from a relationship with a Polynesian man and then she later ended up marrying another Polynesian man, who legally adopted her daughter. I'm sure that he would have loved her daughter regardless of either of their ethnicities, but I can't help thinking that having an adoptive father who looks like her will probably smooth over some aspects of her life, in the future. (At a minimum, people will be unlikely to question their relationship and probably won't know that he isn't her biological father, unless she tells them.)

[Portia]

I think the hardest part of adoption is the sense of insecurity or unwantedness. In the case of my Asian second cousin, I'm not sure how he will feel as an adult, but it's obvious that he's not related to his siblings. That was not the case in my family (we're all varying degrees of blond-haired and blue-eyed, and we're half-siblings raised in the same household, after all).

This is an interesting point and I've also seen it play out the opposite way, with a half-sibling who is presumed to be adopted because they have a parent from a different race. (I suppose this also crops up in mixed-race marriages, where a white parent may be presumed to not be the biological parent of their mixed-race children.)

I also remember a situation in my home ward where a (white) woman had a daughter from a relationship with a Polynesian man and then she later ended up marrying another Polynesian man, who legally adopted her daughter. I'm sure that he would have loved her daughter regardless of either of their ethnicities, but I can't help thinking that having an adoptive father who looks like her will probably smooth over some aspects of her life, in the future. (At a minimum, people will be unlikely to question their relationship and probably won't know that he isn't her biological father, unless she tells them.)

I've also heard of black women with half-white children being presumed to be the nanny of their own kids.

It's funny what people presume. I'm a full foot shorter than my father and the minimal age difference (20 years) throws people off, but they still don't connect the dots because of race and complexion, I guess.