#80419 - friends with benefits, and drawbacks

[Portia]

Although this question sounds like it could be penned by me, it wasn't I promise. (Cat-sitting? Um, no.)

My entire year was very much dominated, emotionally, by a very similar situation. Friends, then more than friends, then the dreaded Talk, then the shattered self-esteem.

My advice boils down to: just don't. As someone who's been there, why not prioritize your own happiness? As women, we're so very socialized to be agreeable, to think that making someone else happy is the peak of happiness. Your feelings are just as valid as his.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't want to date you, but he still wants the benefits of your attention, even your physical affection. You don't have to subscribe to religious notions of purity and propriety to think, hey, being a cad is wrong, and not nice, and I won't put up with it, thankyouverymuch.

Once you've crossed the Maginot line of kissing (or more), I don't think you can go back to being "just friends," not when your feelings are obviously this strong. Let him watch his own freaking cat, and get your own solid friend group and date around. Someone will be happy with all of you, I know it. There are a lot more men out of the Church than in it, so simple math is on your side here. :-)

A ton of books I read this year dealt with women's feelings being trampled and ignored by men: Ferrante's Neapolitan Trilogy, The Love Affairs of Nathaniel P., Mansfield Park ... if there's anything I've concluded from a year of reading, it's that men shouldn't be rewarded for being cads, and women should look to themselves for their own happiness.

I'm hesitant to condemn all "no-strings" arrangements, but when one party has feelings for the other, DO NOT PASS GO. It's a weird culture out there that rewards a lack of commitment, a lack of real risk-taking. You took the risk, by dating, so I feel like he should give you the closure of a break-up. This is actually why I DON'T date friends. It's just better. (For me.)

I haven't seen this guy since what, August? And I'm a lot happier, I really am. Save yourself a lot of trouble, and when people show you their true colors, believe them.

[mic0]

This year was the first year I realized that you can find actual professional cat sitters! It is just like paying That Kid Down the Street to come watch your cat, but a pro adult who takes it seriously. It was a dumb realizaiton (of *course* that's a thing people do), but it was great to realize I don't need to try and coerce some person I barely know to watch my cat. Just saying. This girl can totally tell the guy to find a real cat sitter instead of mooching off his FWB (B here = cat sitting, obvs just as important as the kissing thing).

[Imogen]

http://misstnking.com/2014/12/29/the-ne ... i-was-her/

This article describes it well. And I'm in that situation currently, and it's SO HARD to break things off. I like having someone to cuddle with at night and just chill with that isn't a girl.

I'm gonna get burned in the end. I am living a Taylor Swift song (I Knew You Were Trouble).