Divorced #81441

[Shrinky Dink]

https://theboard.byu.edu/questions/81441/

Awkward dating story coming up:

It was my first semester at school and in one of my classes, there were these two guys that I would talk to about random stuff. They were both older and I knew one was married. One day, well into the semester, the non-married guy asked me if I would like to come over for dinner. I said sure because I wasn't going to pass up free food. Then he let it drop that it was his "divorce-aversary" and that three other girls had already bailed on him. I suddenly remembered a relief society activity that would be happening that night, but I couldn't bail now (and it's not like I went to activities anyway). Turned out that this guy was not only divorced, but was over a decade older than me and had a 4 year old kid! He had full custody, but I later found out that this guy intentionally went after 18-19 year old girls (that was a funny car ride) and he eventually married a girl a year younger than me. I hope that it worked out for her sake....

Nicer story about divorce... ish. (Can a story about divorce be nice?)

So, I know a girl who was in a similar situation as the question asker. She was young and recently divorced because her husband was a jerk. It sucked, partly because it made it's way around as the ward gossip, but we all knew that it wasn't her decision at all. About this time last year, she got married again. So, it has a happy ending.

[Concorde]

but I later found out that this guy intentionally went after 18-19 year old girls

Despite being totally legal...that's more than mildly distasteful to me given his circumstances.

Anyone know the divorce rate for Mormons? Like a substantiated number? GA's say that it's under 2%, but I have a sneaking suspicion that that's temple cancellations, not divorces. I know far too many people who have been divorced to believe that that's the correct number.

[Whistler]

" A 1999 study by Barna Research of nearly 4,000 U.S. adults showed that 24% of Mormon marriages end in divorce -- a number statistically equal to the divorce rate among all Americans." the source is secondary though, and says that 13% of LDS couple marriages (both LDS) end in divorce http://www.religioustolerance.org/lds_divo.htm

[Portia]

I tried to do some digging, but accurate reporting on real divorce rates in this country is hard enough, let alone of a tiny religious minority.

Suffice it to say, if you look at states in the Mormon corridor, their marriage AND divorce rates are high. Not all—not most!—marriages between Mormons are in the temple, with two upper-middle-class educated individuals who are active in their congregations. There is a huge gap between who is on the rolls and who is counted as LDS. If you restricted yourself to married in the temple/went to BYU/non-shotgun marriages, sure, the rates would be low.

But only ten percent of couples with college degrees who marry after age 25 who got married in the 90s or later divorce!! That's pretty low as it is!

So if you want to avoid divorce, wait til your mid-twenties, and get your degree. Those are the two biggest factors, and they're both in your control.

I personally don't think divorce is the tragedy it always is painted as—it's often better than the alternative if it's gotten to that point—but I think if we focused on what makes for good relationships, then we'd see a lot lower divorce rates.

A relation of mine had a marriage last about one Kardashian Unit. He no longer bought into the Mormon church; nor did he want children—I hesitate to call him a "jerk," though. They simply weren't well-matched and clearly too young and foolish to communicate what mattered to them.

[Katya]

" A 1999 study by Barna Research of nearly 4,000 U.S. adults showed that 24% of Mormon marriages end in divorce -- a number statistically equal to the divorce rate among all Americans." the source is secondary though, and says that 13% of LDS couple marriages (both LDS) end in divorce http://www.religioustolerance.org/lds_divo.htm

I'd be curious to know how they count couples who were both active when they married, but then one person went through a faith transition. (I.e., do they still count as "both LDS" or do they now count as an interfaith relationship?)

Also, it's worth noting that couples who are matched in religiosity have low divorce rates, regardless of the denomination.

[Portia]

I'd be curious to know how they count couples who were both active when they married, but then one person went through a faith transition. (I.e., do they still count as "both LDS" or do they now count as an interfaith relationship?)

Also, it's worth noting that couples who are matched in religiosity have low divorce rates, regardless of the denomination.

My anecdotal evidence suggests that divorce spikes when one spouse goes through a faith transition. According to Internet forums, this seems to be especially common among LDS couples in their late twenties and thirties with young children when the husband stops believing. I don't know if this is entwined with notions of having a "priesthood leader" in the home: if the mother disaffiliates, is it seen as a phase? Is she likely to lose custody and have her ex-husband find a "better mother" for their children?

Me and my excellent tact, when I met one of these blokes at a Meetup, I was like, "WELL then!" when he said he was married at 21 up in Rexburg. (His ex had the house. I wonder if she is employed now? If she was the one asking for the divorce ...) I feel like it's difficult to know yourself much before 24, so I find it a shame all around when families are torn asunder in this manner.

Divorce seemed vanishingly rare among the upper classes I attended school with, regardless of denomination. Divorce was really quite common in my lower-middle class neighborhood. We even had a bishop who seemed to downright encourage it for a few years, there.