Zedability wrote:It's weird because not being able to feel things is actually so much worse than it would sound.
Yuuuuuup.
Whistler wrote:so, if you have the energy for it (no one's under any obligation to explain themselves, I'm just curious), what's a good way to support someone with suicidal thoughts? Figure out how detailed the plans are to see how serious it is? Talk about something else? Say validating things?
So, I have a lot of experience in this, professionally and personally, so I get that not everyone is going to feel comfortable making the judgment calls I make. If in doubt, call 911. However, unless I hear 1. an imminent plan, 2. intent, and 3. means, I don't feel the need to pry or alert anybody, whether it's the authorities or whatever. Means is less important, I guess, but unless someone tells me, "I'm going to kill myself," or something similar (especially with a timeline) I don't freak out or do anything really. I don't even necessarily validate. I just sit quietly and listen with an engaged, calm manner and show I am actively listening once and again. I think that's what most people need (and what I want, when I'm in the same room with someone). That and physical closeness if they are okay with it. Stuff that shows they are neither scary nor all that crazy. During the conversation and at the end of the conversation I will ask that person if they are safe and that's it. No, "PROMISE TO CALL ME IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT EVER HURTING YOURSELF EVAAAAAAAAAR" because that's overwhelming. Again, use your best judgment. Me, I'd tell you if I wasn't safe if you asked because I have rules about my suicidality. Others maybe you don't trust so much. YMMV.
Of course it goes without saying that I'd always encourage these people to get help, including meds and psychotherapy. I would probably be more interested in doing more digging or calling 911 if the person did not have a therapist they were seeing at least every week. That's just because someone else (a clinical professional) has eyes on the situation at least every seven days, which is actually a lot in actual suicide planning.
If you really know someone you can try and point out where their thinking errors are, gently. The problem is that wanting to die is rarely rational (at least how non-depressed people would see it... seems rational to me a lot of the time), so trying out out-rational someone often just feels condescending and like the person isn't listening to the problem. Done right, though, it can be immensely helpful. Also heaping praise upon a person (you are so special! you are so smart! you have so much going for you! everyone loves you so much!) very rarely helps. It always just makes me feel worse or like I'm not being listened to. Platitudes like "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" are right out. So is telling the person that they would hurt other people if they killed themselves. They know that, they probably already feel guilty about it even if they have no real intent, and nobody would tell that to a cancer patient whose possible symptoms would eventually include death. It's completely unhelpful and unempathetic. It's true, we know it, we get it, we feel awful about it, etc., but the pain is incredibly real and we get to own the solutions, whatever they are. A guilt trip at such a critical moment is so unhelpful.
Things that do seem to help me when I'm suicidal:
1. physical touch (when appropriate... I am not a touchy person in general)
2. quiet companionship and calm validation
3. gentle encouragement to call my shrink, take my meds, eat, etc.
4. encouragement to change up my surroundings (sometimes that really does help snap my brain out of it a little bit) -- road trips, visiting the right friends, or even just changing the room where I've made my current nest
5. intense physical sensation in appropriate ways -- hard back rubs, hot showers, etc.
6. sparse verbal affirmations of what I'm doing right -- "You haven't self harmed" or "You are letting me share this experience with you"
I'll probably think of more I wanted to say about it, but I think the most important thing is to not freak out. Even if you decide you have to call 911, be calm about it. Tell the person that you love them but that you think there needs to be additional help. Keep an even tone. If you don't decide to call 911, stay calm anyway. We know we sound crazy. We probably secretly fear that we are REALLY crazy. The truth is we're not all that crazy for being suicidal. It's not unreasonable to feel you aren't up to surviving intense psychological pain forever. Treat us like it makes sense. That doesn't mean thinking it's a good decision, but treating us like we are ticking time bombs doesn't help. You absolutely get to have your feelings about it (I know I have) but that moment is not the right time to express them to the suicidal person. Wait until after and talk to someone else, or wait until much after and talk to the person when they are doing better. Use your own coping skills on your own time. Worst case, tell the person that this is a lot and you need to help them call someone else to help to back you up so they can be supported, and then leave if you need to. The truth is that I have been suicidal more times than I remember, and I remember lots and lots and lots of times. I have attempted suicide exactly once out of all of those times. Your loved one needs help if they feel that way, and they need to know they are loved. If they have a therapist, have at least considered/tried meds, and are doing other things to address their mental illness and if they do not have an imminent plan and intent, this is probably just one hell of a terrifically bad day. (I don't say that to minimize it. Their feelings are very real. All I mean is that you are probably not the only thing between them and death.) Don't freak out and make it even worse.
That was ramble-y. Sorry about that, heh. I'm leaving on self-care road trip the second I submit this, and so you can probably guess that this is all a little fresh to me right now.
