Humor will not be tolerated!! -Portia

UffishThought wrote:Well then, to show the other side, thatonemom, I cry ALL THE TIME, and it annoys me. The thing I would most like to be is invisible when that happens. I don't want to talk it out with a stranger, and I don't usually want to talk it out with a friend, either, because most of the time it's not a big deal. My tear ducts seem to kick in when I'm even thinking about emotion. Usually, what I need most is to be treated like nothing is wrong until I can show my brain "see? There's no emergency here!" and snap out of it. People paying attention to me generally make it worse, and actual sympathy can really bring out the waterworks.

I'm the exact same way. I hate being emotional, but I unfortunately have overactive tear-ducts. Usually the kindest thing someone can do is to ignore it and pretend there's nothing wrong, since that lets me convince myself of the same thing. (Strangers should just ignore me altogether; friends or family members should either ignore me or attempt to tell some funny jokes or unrelated stories that will distract me into cheering up.)

Of course, because I hate crying in public so much, I'll usually try to hide myself in a bathroom or somewhere else with a little more privacy. If someone's sitting out in a hallway crying, that might be a sign that they'd actually like a little attention and comfort. It may be more of a mixed bag if someone's crying at a public computer, but I'd leave them alone.

essgame wrote:I'm new to BYU and the Board. I'm inordinately pleased with myself to have asked a question that prompted a discussion on an intellectual forum. I don't have anything to contribute, but I love your stories about witnessing grief and providing/ receiving comfort.

Welcome to the Board and the BoardBoard! I'm glad you asked a question which has sparked so much interest. We hope you write more.

Just curious, most of the people who've said they would approach someone who was crying are women. What would be your reaction if a man were to do the same? (The approaching, that is, not the crying.) Do you think people (whether other men, or women, or teenagers or whatever) would appreciate the gesture, coming from a man, or just be weirded/creeped out?

mic0 wrote:Maybe I read through your replies too quickly, but I have to ask: have any of you seen an adult man crying in public? I honestly don't think I ever have. And I've only seen a handful of women, so I just assume men are able to hold it in a teeny bit longer in order to get somewhere private.

ETA: Or, have any of the men here cried in public as a teenager or adult?

I just saw an adult man crying in public as he gave a talk last Sunday. He didn't get all blubbery, but tears were coming down and he couldn't control his voice. I'd say that kind of crying happens a lot.

Or, go to a sad movie and watch the audience. You will see a lot of men crying, but trying not to be obvious about it.

I suppose that is different. I've cried at funerals--my mother's in particular. I cried at my brother's memorial service when I was 16, though I got the hiccups and everyone acted like that was funny. I've cried a few other times in public. Once I cried at BYU when someone gave me some bad news. I think I ruined her day.

At my mother's funeral her bishop and family tried to comfort me. For me that only makes it harder to control the tears. Like Cindy and UffishThought. But, if you think crying it out makes you feel better, than a little additional embarrassment might be worth it. Sometimes I do feel better after crying it out.

Vorpal, you've reminded me that I've definitely seen men crying in church (did we have a thread about this one time or was that somewhere else?) and at funerals. I wouldn't really count those, though, since they are emotionally charged situations (especially funerals) and people are kind of given a pass to cry, so to speak.

ETA: I'm so bad at not editing things, sorry. It is interesting you said you cried at BYU once after some bad news. Why do you think you ruined the other person's day? Were you crying as you walked around/sat somewhere else on campus? Did anyone approach you about it?

This all reminds me of one time when I was at BYU and I was having super super bad cramps, so bad that I started crying because I couldn't go to my class or work and realized I needed to just go home. Anyway, so I'm trying not to show the tears as I'm sad-angrily walking home when Gimgimno says hi to me! I have no idea if he realized I was crying, but I was very glad we just had a quick hello and then went our separate ways. I think I would have been even more mortified if he (or anyone) had asked what was wrong.

This whole thread makes me think it is very hard to know if a complete stranger would appreciate being approached. It definitely varies by person, though I guess there is no lasting harm in checking on someone just in case.

Well, mic0, the problem at BYU that one time was I made someone feel really bad, and it wasn't her fault. As I recall, and it has been a long time, was that I had missed a deadline to submit some paperwork related to my Master's thesis. I didn't know about the missed deadline until I had gone to some window and talked to some girl in the Administration Building, I think. She told me that I was too late and I wouldn't graduate when I had planned to. I was taken totally by surprise and I couldn't understand it. She was adamant that there was nothing she could do about my case. I was so disappointed I started to cry, right there in front of her and anyone else who happened to be around. I wasn't faking it, and I didn't cry to get her to change her mind. I could tell she was upset at my reaction. I'm sure she must have thought of going home and quitting her job. I think she wanted to cry also, but she had a job to do and she was going to do it. I thought the rule was totally unreasonable, but I understood how she was just doing her job. Yet, I just couldn't bring myself to say it. I'm pretty sure she left her window to cry in frustration just as I left her window. I walked away and saw my girlfriend (who later became my wife) and had a cry on her shoulder. No one approached me.

Sorry, not a particularly uplifting story.

mic0 wrote: This whole thread makes me think it is very hard to know if a complete stranger would appreciate being approached. It definitely varies by person, though I guess there is no lasting harm in checking on someone just in case.

I forgot to mention something. I try to live by the rule that the Church teaches us correct principles, but the Holy Ghost teaches us practices. We know we should love our neighbors and practice the Golden Rule. If we are prayerful and learn to follow the Spirit we can be guided into knowing how we should act in a particular situation.

Welcome to the BoardBoard!!

oh yes, we are so intellectual

UffishThought wrote:Usually, what I need most is to be treated like nothing is wrong until I can show my brain "see? There's no emergency here!" and snap out of it. People paying attention to me generally make it worse, and actual sympathy can really bring out the waterworks.

Same here! do you also start crying when you see others crying? 'Cause I do sometimes.

I try to comfort people I know when they're crying, and if they happen to be in the theater program then I count that as knowing them, even if I've only interacted with them by seeing a play they were in at one point, because that's just how theater kids roll.