Girl who isn't thrilled to be pregnant

[Marduk]

Well, to go back up in the seriousness scale...

I identify with this, but for perhaps a very different reason. I look forward to being a father. Very much so. I would like nothing more than be a stay-at-home-dad. On the other hand, I really, really don't like the aspect of finding a career. I find the workplace very stressful. The concept of providing for a family for the next 50-60 years really scares me. I would be much more comfortable staying at home and raising children. I constantly hear about how I have the easy job, I just have to go to work, the woman is the one who has to do all the hard work. Frankly, I'd love to switch places. But such a thing would make me "worse than an infidel." I accept what my responsibility is, its just...

Anyway, I'm rambling, so I'll just hit submit now.

[UnluckyStuntman]

Well, to go back up in the seriousness scale...

I identify with this, but for perhaps a very different reason. I look forward to being a father. Very much so. I would like nothing more than be a stay-at-home-dad. On the other hand, I really, really don't like the aspect of finding a career. I find the workplace very stressful. The concept of providing for a family for the next 50-60 years really scares me. I would be much more comfortable staying at home and raising children. I constantly hear about how I have the easy job, I just have to go to work, the woman is the one who has to do all the hard work. Frankly, I'd love to switch places. But such a thing would make me "worse than an infidel." I accept what my responsibility is, its just...

Anyway, I'm rambling, so I'll just hit submit now.

Why would being a stay-at-home data make you an infidel, exactly? Bad Astronaut and I have an arrangement - whoever makes more money gets to work and the other will stay at home. And I'm pretty sure I'll end up making more money, so I get to be the suga' momma. And yes, I say get, because I really don't wan't to stay at home with kids.

[Tao]

Why would being a stay-at-home data make you an infidel, exactly?

Less an infidel and more an outlier, I'd say.

And Marduk, how big a role would you say that ethnicity plays in gender expectations, if any at all?

[C is for]

Why would being a stay-at-home data make you an infidel, exactly?

Less an infidel and more an outlier, I'd say.

lol, literally

Now, back to the serious discussion. I love reading it.

[Laser Jock]

Well, to go back up in the seriousness scale...

I identify with this, but for perhaps a very different reason. I look forward to being a father. Very much so. I would like nothing more than be a stay-at-home-dad. On the other hand, I really, really don't like the aspect of finding a career. I find the workplace very stressful. The concept of providing for a family for the next 50-60 years really scares me. I would be much more comfortable staying at home and raising children. I constantly hear about how I have the easy job, I just have to go to work, the woman is the one who has to do all the hard work. Frankly, I'd love to switch places. But such a thing would make me "worse than an infidel." I accept what my responsibility is, its just...

Anyway, I'm rambling, so I'll just hit submit now.

Why would being a stay-at-home data make you an infidel, exactly?

I assume he's referring to 1 Timothy 5:8:

But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

I think there's room for exceptions, however. I think modern counsel probably elaborates on them, though I haven't looked specifically to see what prophets and apostles more recently have said.

[Marduk]

And Marduk, how big a role would you say that ethnicity plays in gender expectations, if any at all?

In general, or in my case specifically?

[Tao]

And Marduk, how big a role would you say that ethnicity plays in gender expectations, if any at all?

In general, or in my case specifically?

Either, I just figured your case may lend you insight not available to many other readers here.

[exiledtoID]

Hi -

I'm actually the asker of this question...and I want to thank theansweris42 for getting in touch with me (I appreciated your email, and I'll email you back!), and letting me know this thread was up! It looks like it's been a few days since people have commented, but I'll throw this up anyway.

Sky Bones' answer wasn't exactly what I was looking for (since I mostly just wanted someone to tell me I wasn't abnormal, haha), but it definitely had a lot of practical points that were helpful and needed for someone who may or may not have been somewhat hormonal when she wrote the question.

I am so glad to see other people on this thread who feel the same way, and I'm really grateful for those who don't feel the same way but aren't acting totally repulsed. Haha.

It is a lonely feeling in the Church to be the only person in RS not oohing and aahing over a new baby. I am so tired of smiling and nodding when the millionth person asks me if I'm "so excited!!!!!!!" Interestingly enough, I was called to be in the RS presidency amidst my pretty severe morning sickness, and I have to say that has been a huge help...because if nothing else, those sisters that I spend so much time with each week have to love me and empathize with me despite my being a total anomaly. The others though (I am 25 in a much older, established ward) wouldn't understand at all, and I have avoided telling most of them (luckily I am 17 weeks and not really showing) in hopes that one day I will magically wake up and want to be a mom, and at that point I can handle the baby conversations.

Sky Bones asked what was so concerning. Unfortunately, I don't have an easy answer for that. It's not financial, my husband's a dentist. It's not that I'm afraid I won't be good at it, lots of women less intelligent than myself have had kids and raised them successfully. It really is, plain and simple, that I have no desire to have my own kids. I guess the inconvenience factor plays a part, but primarily I just really struggle with...why am I supposed to be doing this when it is not my talent, desire, or in my nature?

It would be so much easier if I loved kids. It would be so much easier if I didn't have the hopes of grad school hanging over my head, doing something I love each day and feeling accomplished, rather than a future of wiping snot and changing diapers. I wouldn't wish my attitude (which really, honestly, is inherent) on anyone. My one friend that I have somewhat confided in is also pregnant, with her second child. A few weeks ago she had to take some strong medication and was worried about miscarrying. She asking, jokingly, if she could have my baby if she did. I would be thrilled to provide someone who really wants to devote their life to a child with a baby. I cannot, CANNOT understand how in the world I am fertile when so many aren't.

I know there isn't any way out of this and I have somewhat come to terms. My only redeeming quality at this point is that I am somewhat of a perfectionist, ish, who has always excelled at everything I do. I will be the best parent I can, because I have to. Just like any other challenge/trial, I may not enjoy it. I imagine there will be many times I won't. It's just one of those things we have to do at a certain point in our lives and some people are blessed to enjoy it and others aren't.

I just wish it weren't so taboo to feel this way. I wish that the LDS culture of having enormous families hadn't permeated the Church so thoroughly. I have 6 sisters in law, and they have 4,7,3,5,5, and 1 kid (just got married last year) respectively. What am I supposed to do with that?

In the meantime, I am going to continue to pray that at some point I can feel bonded with this...THING...living inside me, and that I can feel at peace about it. I know myself enough that I will NEVER be that nurturing, baby obsessed person. My hope is that in my own way, with the Lord's help, I can find my place as a mother and be assured of His plan for me.

[exiledtoID]

[

For those of you that face these trials about not being "thrilled" with pregnancy, do you have any suggestions for those of us on the other side of the fence, as to how we can be more sensitive to your needs/wants in this regard?

Enough women here seem to share similar feelings that such must be more wide-spread than is commonly assumed. I would hate to inadvertently say something hurtful/demeaning simply because I am only aware of my own situation...but I can see how it might come up often in, say, Relief Society lessons...Do you think a teacher should try to point out "exceptions" like yours? Would you rather be left to your own devices and stick up for yourself if you felt it necessary? What would you like to see happen?

In addition to what I already wrote, I thought I would add some to this question. Like 42, I really don't ever get offended so it wouldn't be a matter of offending me. I'm the one who isn't mainstream; I wouldn't expect anyone in the Church (or anywhere else) to have to cater to me. All that I can say is that being pushy and doing the whole "don't you see that cute baby over there??? How could you not want a baby after seeing her???" gets REALLY old. Not offensive old, stupid old.

Asking when someone is going to have kids, or how many is kind of silly too. I think it just makes the question asker look silly. Even though that has become a standard question in the LDS church, that DOES NOT make it appropriate or anyone's business unless the conversation is kind of going that way. If I'm talking to someone about it, in a more-than-superficial conversation, I'm not afraid to talk about my plans or how I feel...to an extent. When it pops up in one of those "getting to know you" conversations, that's kind of pushing boundaries. It's just silly that because some people get married at 20 and have 4 kids by 30 we are all expected to follow that schedule.

I've never felt like RS lessons ever approached this topic, for us at least, it's always about responsible/good parenting instead of "why you should be a parent". It may be different in a student/married/younger ward.

I'll end by saying, however, I have been pleasantly surprised by many ladies in my ward. It is a little older, and affluent/educated, so I think more of the women have had careers at some point with kids, or had kids later. They aren't as pushy about it and definitely show tact instead of bombarding me with personal questions. This was definitely surprising having moved to Idaho where I expected the worst of LDS culture to be predominant.

[Dead Cat]

I remember my grandmother telling me once that she wasn't thrilled about kids either. If I remember correctly, this didn't really change until after she had grandchildren that she could give cookies to and then back to their parents later.

I think the thing to remember is that babies aren't just babies, they're people--albeit ones with awful social skills. They'll grow out of that. Everyone needs some love--and if cute wittle innocence isn't the reason for you to love them, find something else. Maybe it'll be the fact that they're considerate enough to not take off their diaper and spread that fragrant brownish goop all over the crib. Maybe it'll be the fact that they don't mind the way baby food tastes. Maybe it'll just be easier to think of a baby as a future friend rather than a needy thing. And remember that things will get better.

[thebigcheese]

I think the thing to remember is that babies aren't just babies, they're people.

Sometimes I wish we could just skip those first 5-10 years and get on with the rest of it. They don't really seem like people until they're older.

[Katya]

Asking when someone is going to have kids, or how many is kind of silly too. I think it just makes the question asker look silly. Even though that has become a standard question in the LDS church, that DOES NOT make it appropriate or anyone's business unless the conversation is kind of going that way. If I'm talking to someone about it, in a more-than-superficial conversation, I'm not afraid to talk about my plans or how I feel...to an extent. When it pops up in one of those "getting to know you" conversations, that's kind of pushing boundaries. It's just silly that because some people get married at 20 and have 4 kids by 30 we are all expected to follow that schedule.

I've known enough women with infertility issues to know that questions about having kids can be painful all across the LDS spectrum. And even women who do want kids and don't have fertility issues often seem to feel that they're not living up to some sort of idealized LDS standard.

I read a discussion about divorce in the LDS Church a few weeks ago, and one divorced woman wisely suggested that, when it comes to divorced friends and acquaintances, we should follow their lead in talking about the situation instead of assuming they do or don't want to talk about it. Maybe this is a wise approach to take when talking about having kids, as well.

[Dragon Lady]

[This was definitely surprising having moved to Idaho where I expected the worst of LDS culture to be predominant.

Y'know, I really should be offended by this and your nym.

But I am curious, why would LDS culture be worse in Idaho than, say, Utah?

[wired]

[This was definitely surprising having moved to Idaho where I expected the worst of LDS culture to be predominant.

Y'know, I really should be offended by this and your nym.

But I am curious, why would LDS culture be worse in Idaho than, say, Utah?

More and more I begin to think that people think that the aggravating parts of Mormon culture are only the parts that come from excessively-conservative people.

Which is why Idaho would be worse.

[thebigcheese]

I read a discussion about divorce in the LDS Church a few weeks ago, and one divorced woman wisely suggested that, when it comes to divorced friends and acquaintances, we should follow their lead in talking about the situation instead of assuming they do or don't want to talk about it. Maybe this is a wise approach to take when talking about having kids, as well.

I think that's a very wise and tactful thing to do. In fact, I think most people already do this with uncomfortable topics. "If she brings it up, we'll talk about it...but if she doesn't, I won't either."

[TheAnswerIs42]

why am I supposed to be doing this when it is not my talent, desire, or in my nature?

I think this has always been a qualm of mine as well. I think one of our greatest strengths, as a people, is our diversity. I loved my major, but met a lot of people who would have absolutely hated majoring in math. And that's a good thing. Those people are good at things I would hate. And one of the things I would have hated was elementary education. There's a reason for that - I don't enjoy interacting with that age group. I didn't really like it when I was that age. I was the nerd who tried to hang out with the teachers. I'm not a fan of my Primary calling now either. Thank heavens other people balance out my likes and dislikes, just as I balance out theirs.

The problem is that somehow, we (especially women) tend to think that we should all have the same qualities we see in others. We somehow expect ourselves to be kind, gentle, immaculate housekeepers who are exceptional mothers, profoundly religious, and any number of other things, all at the same time. But nobody is all of those things. Everyone is a combination of those things to a certain extent, but nobody is everything.

So why do we expect every woman to love the idea of staying home with babies and toddlers all day? I would guess because nobody used to have any choices. Men didn't have a lot of choices a few hundred years ago either. You want food, you better grow it. You have children, someone has to take care of them. But as civilization progresses, we become more and more diversified.

[Katya]

It would be so much easier if I didn't have the hopes of grad school hanging over my head, doing something I love each day and feeling accomplished, rather than a future of wiping snot and changing diapers.

Is there a reason you can't be going to grad school part time or working towards that goal while you have a young child? I realize that both are potentially more than full time pursuits, but I'm a strong believer in mothers not giving up everything they're passionate about while they're raising children. (Even if they really enjoy raising children, it's good for kids to see that Mom deserves some time for other interests, as well.)

[exiledtoID]

Is there a reason you can't be going to grad school part time or working towards that goal while you have a young child? I realize that both are potentially more than full time pursuits, but I'm a strong believer in mothers not giving up everything they're passionate about while they're raising children. (Even if they really enjoy raising children, it's good for kids to see that Mom deserves some time for other interests, as well.)

I completely agree. Unfortunately, Idaho is not a mecca for graduate programs. Believe me, I've scoured the schools within driving distance for ANYTHING that is even close to something I'd want to do, and there isn't really. I have applied to a distance program, but that will require 8 weeks on campus in another state next summer and the summer after...not sure if I could swing that or not.

Dragon Lady - I'm from the east coast, so moving to ID and knowing I would be here for the rest of my life caused serious freaking out. Haha. We've been here for almost 2 years now, and I will say that it has grown on me and I am definitely not miserable (other than the grad school thing). Having a really awesome sister in law nearby has helped.

However, part of the compromise in coming here was that we would travel a lot, and we do. That is one part of our lifestyle that I know will change dramatically with kids and we will have to figure it out somehow.

[Dragon Lady]

Dragon Lady - I'm from the east coast, so moving to ID and knowing I would be here for the rest of my life caused serious freaking out. Haha. We've been here for almost 2 years now, and I will say that it has grown on me and I am definitely not miserable (other than the grad school thing). Having a really awesome sister in law nearby has helped.

Well, that's fair. I guess I thought you were comparing Idaho to Utah or some other Mormon Mecca. And I didn't understand how Idaho was perceived as worse. But if you're comparing it to the East, that's totally understandable!

However, part of the compromise in coming here was that we would travel a lot, and we do. That is one part of our lifestyle that I know will change dramatically with kids and we will have to figure it out somehow.

We have a neighbor (who is also a teacher in my Primary) that travels ALL THE TIME. Like, she'll be gone for 3-5 weeks at a time, be home for a month, then be gone again. (Which really makes Primary fun times.) And she does it all with a baby. He's probably about 8-10 months old now, but she's been doing this since he was only a few months old. Some trips are only a few states away, some are international.

My point is, if you really want to keep traveling, you can still do it. Even with a baby.

[Katya]

Is there a reason you can't be going to grad school part time or working towards that goal while you have a young child? I realize that both are potentially more than full time pursuits, but I'm a strong believer in mothers not giving up everything they're passionate about while they're raising children. (Even if they really enjoy raising children, it's good for kids to see that Mom deserves some time for other interests, as well.)

I completely agree. Unfortunately, Idaho is not a mecca for graduate programs. Believe me, I've scoured the schools within driving distance for ANYTHING that is even close to something I'd want to do, and there isn't really. I have applied to a distance program, but that will require 8 weeks on campus in another state next summer and the summer after...not sure if I could swing that or not.

Aw, that stinks. I hope you can figure something out.